momofkhm Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 This will be her third, that I know. She is very open about it so I wouldn't think there are more. She had one before her first child (20 mo). Since then she's had 2. She's having surgery tomorrow. I offered to watch her son and bring over dinner. I don't think I'm watch Stephen. Her dh will (at the hospital). I know I'll give her a big hug but what do I not say to her. If it matters, she tends toward depression anyway. I've learned so much from you ladies about what not to say to people. (big families for one thing!) Help me out here too, please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 "It was for the best or meant to be" "You are young, you can keep trying" "There was probably something wrong w/ the baby and this is God's way of shielding you from more pain later on" "I know how you feel" (unless you've btdt...you don't) "You'll get over it in time" Anything close to that...don't say it, but you probably wouldn't anyway! :) Things to say or do: Hug her, let HER talk while YOU listen. Tell her you are sorry. Tell her you are there for her if she wants to talk or just cry or scream or yell, etc. I've had 5 miscarriages. 1 before my first, one directly after and then 3 in a row before I conceived this baby. Nothing that anybody says really helps. There was one friend of mine who covered the top 10 things NEVER to say to a woman who has miscarried...all in a matter of 5 minutes! Really, just be there for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeOnTheRanch Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 :iagree: Everything Sue said. Oh, in the course of your conversation, don't mention what a hard time you're having with your own kids and that she is lucky she only has one. Yep, my DSIL said that to me right after my mc. She was 2000 miles away at the time, so she couldn't see my jaw hit the floor. The less you say, the better. Let her talk. Tell her you are sorry and listen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam H Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 All of the things that Sue said. I can add one more: "At least you have (your 20 mo) to comfort you." I've had 6 miscarriages. When I was pregnant with my 6th, I found out why. It's an hereditary blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden (FVL). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Things to say or do: Hug her, let HER talk while YOU listen. Tell her you are sorry. Tell her you are there for her if she wants to talk or just cry or scream or yell, etc. :iagree: Another thing NOT to say: Oh, well, it's just as well because I figured we'd both be pregnant at the same time." (Said by a friend who wasn't pregnant yet). I know this friend was well-meaning & that this statement came out totally wrong, but still...:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mo2 Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 "It was for the best or meant to be""You are young, you can keep trying" "There was probably something wrong w/ the baby and this is God's way of shielding you from more pain later on" "I know how you feel" (unless you've btdt...you don't) "You'll get over it in time" Ditto. Also don't mention how awful your kids are and that she's lucky she only has one. (Yes, my sil said this to me when I had a miscarriage.) Best just to hug and give a sincere, "I'm sorry. Let me know if I can help." She may be sore/crampy for a few days and might appreciate meals/help with the dc she has. Or maybe not. Let her lead, just make sure she knows you're there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readwithem Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Agreeing with the others. Another thing not to say "God must have needed an angel" Blech. Also just let her grieve and recover on her own timetable. A week later a friend asked me when I was going to get better. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2legomaniacs Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Agreeing with all the others. Someone said several of those things to me and it makes it worse. Best things: What can I do for you? I am so sorry. If she wants to talk about it, let her know that grieving and dealing with it in her own time and own way is just fine. There is not timetable for "snapping out of it". Hormones are active for quite some time and can be very difficult for some. Just being a great friend will help. No justifying or explaining the situation. Just pure love and sympathy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 The worst thing anyone ever said to me when I had a m/c was, "Just be thankful for the kids you already have!" as if I was somehow trying for a better model or something. That was the one comment that really hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leta Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 I just found out yesterday that, while I am still technically pregnant, I am just carrying a placenta- there's no baby in there. I don't know if a blighted ovum counts as miscarriage per se, but it feels like crap just the same. All I want someone to say to me is that it's okay to feel angry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RegularMom Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Leta, yes it counts. And it's okay to feel angry. Many hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 I just found out yesterday that, while I am still technically pregnant, I am just carrying a placenta- there's no baby in there. I don't know if a blighted ovum counts as miscarriage per se, but it feels like crap just the same. All I want someone to say to me is that it's okay to feel angry. Yes, feel angry. Take time to grieve your loss. I've had two miscarriages, and the best thing I did for myself was to grieve. The pain does lessen over time. (((HUGS)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendi Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 I just found out yesterday that, while I am still technically pregnant, I am just carrying a placenta- there's no baby in there. I don't know if a blighted ovum counts as miscarriage per se, but it feels like crap just the same. All I want someone to say to me is that it's okay to feel angry. My first miscarriage was a blighted ovum. Seeing that empty sac on the ultrasound was so sad. Hugs to you! Wendi:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted April 25, 2008 Author Share Posted April 25, 2008 All I want someone to say to me is that it's okay to feel angry. ((Leta)) It's ok to feel angry! It's ok to feel everything you are feeling! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeOnTheRanch Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Yes, it counts. (((Leta))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted April 25, 2008 Author Share Posted April 25, 2008 I knew I could count on you for advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeOnTheRanch Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Ditto. Also don't mention how awful your kids are and that she's lucky she only has one. (Yes, my sil said this to me when I had a miscarriage.) NO WAY!!! I thought I was the only one with such a SIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mo2 Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 NO WAY!!! I thought I was the only one with such a SIL. The thing is, she didn't even realize she was being insensitive! I think she really meant it. Leta, be ANGRY. I know. It feels like you've been cheated. Anger is a natural response. Go with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowWhite Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 I know everyone's different, but for me it was incredibly painful to hear the phrase "lost the baby". It wasn't something I *did*, it was something that *happened to me*. OTOH, I know other people believe it's important to recognize the pregnancy *was* a baby, not a condition. I liked hearing, "I'm sorry for your loss" and from those who had experienced it, "I know it is so hard," or "I know it must be hard" from those who hadn't. Little treats like hand lotion or candy were appreciated. Not so much the ceramic cherub sent by my employer (it gave me the shudders and felt like having a gravestone in my home). Flowers were nice though, and cards. Leta... yes, it's a real loss and yes you have the right to be angry. (((hugs))) to you and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 I just found out yesterday that, while I am still technically pregnant, I am just carrying a placenta- there's no baby in there. I don't know if a blighted ovum counts as miscarriage per se, but it feels like crap just the same. All I want someone to say to me is that it's okay to feel angry. Oh, Leta, I'm so very sorry. Of course it is okay to be angry. I've had a blighted ovum, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Leta :grouphug: Yes, be angry and grieve. I think anyone who's had such a loss or disappointment has felt angry and cheated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Agreeing with the others. Another thing not to say "God must have needed an angel" My MIL told me that it was God's way of protecting me since dh and I certainly didn't need any more children. We had only 3 at the time. You can imagine her displeasure when we announced our next pregnancy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peggy in Va Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 It's been a while since I have posted on this board but this caught my attention. LETA - my heart goes out to you. Yes, you have every right to feel a loss. I really don't think our Good Lord would expect you to feel any differently. MOMOFKHM: I agree with what the others said, and I'm only mentioning this because I haven't seen anyone else bring it up. I had 4 miscarriages in a row before my 11yo ds was born. Sometime after my 4th mis. I started looking into high risk preg. What I discovered was that even though my progesterone levels were in the normal range when the dr. checked them, they weren't high enough for my body to sustain the pregnancy. All of my miscarriages were happening at approx. 8 weeks even though with one it wasn't discovered until I was at 13 wks. When I mentioned this to my dr. he said it was possible and suggested giving progesterone shots. I carried to term and delivered a wonderful son. Dr. also gave shot when I got preg. again and I carried to term. I have had other friends that were having multiple mis. even after having other children. I mentioned this to them, they in turn mentioned it to their ob's and they too carried to term. I don't know how you would mention this to your friend. Obviously now is not the best time. But, perhaps it is something you might want to pass on to her at some point. My heart goes out to her. Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 All of the things that Sue said. I can add one more: "At least you have (your 20 mo) to comfort you." I've had 6 miscarriages. When I was pregnant with my 6th, I found out why. It's an hereditary blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden (FVL). ((Pam)) I can't imagine suffering through 6 miscarriages. I'm so very sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanga Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Don't say " Oh, well in that case can I borrow your baby things?" I am usually very calm and not prone to violence but I kicked a hole in the wall after I hung up the phone. My dh came in saw the hole and just said, "atleast it wasn't a wallpapered wall". Just give her the freedom to deal with this however she needs to and be there to help mend the walls ;) BTW, I found out that my miscarriages were caused by an underactive thyroid. Once it was treated I was able to carry a baby full term. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Agreeing with all the others. Someone said several of those things to me and it makes it worse. Best things: What can I do for you? I am so sorry. If she wants to talk about it, let her know that grieving and dealing with it in her own time and own way is just fine. There is not timetable for "snapping out of it". Hormones are active for quite some time and can be very difficult for some. Just being a great friend will help. No justifying or explaining the situation. Just pure love and sympathy. Well said! I know when I had mine I sometimes wanted to be alone and other times I wanted to be around friends doing things, being distracted. Everyone goes through it in their own way, and just being there for her will mean so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeOnTheRanch Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 The thing is, she didn't even realize she was being insensitive! I think she really meant it. Oh, mine, too. I don't think she had a clue since this was in another "part" of our conversation. It is the main reason I now refuse to tell family until after I've had an ultrasound or we've heard a heartbeat. I would much rather go through a mc alone than deal with the stupid and insensitive comments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 I liked hearing, "I'm sorry for your loss" and from those who had experienced it, "I know it is so hard," or "I know it must be hard" from those who hadn't. The most honoring, helpful thing that was said to me after my miscarriage was "I am so sorry your baby died". It was an *acknowledgement* of the fact of the baby, a death and the level of pain I felt. The second most helpful thing was a BTDT woman who shared "This might not be the case for you, but it was for me and I've learned also others. The months after my miscarriage were also a disconnect in my marriage. We grieved and processed differently and I felt distance from him, not closer. It turned out ok, later, but it was hard. If that's your experience, know that it's normal and common." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MountainViewMom Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 This will be her third, that I know. She is very open about it so I wouldn't think there are more. She had one before her first child (20 mo). Since then she's had 2. She's having surgery tomorrow. I offered to watch her son and bring over dinner. I don't think I'm watch Stephen. Her dh will (at the hospital). I know I'll give her a big hug but what do I not say to her. If it matters, she tends toward depression anyway. I've learned so much from you ladies about what not to say to people. (big families for one thing!) Help me out here too, please. What a wonderful friend you are! You have been given such great advice here. I thought I had heard them all, but the ladies here added to my list of what *not* to say! I can only add the recommendation of two books The Memories I Cherish and Morning Will Come and a website www.calebministries.org. The first book is a devotional journal, the second is a collection of stories dealing with infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth and early infant death. I read Morning Will Come after my miscarriage and although I cried all the way through it, it was very comforting. I have given these books to friends who have had a miscarriage. You may want to check out the website and see if you think it would be helpful to her. Just listening and being there for your friend will be such a comfort to her. Miscarrige is just not something we "get over". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam H Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 I just found out yesterday that, while I am still technically pregnant, I am just carrying a placenta- there's no baby in there. I don't know if a blighted ovum counts as miscarriage per se, but it feels like crap just the same. All I want someone to say to me is that it's okay to feel angry. It's okay to feel angry. (((Leta))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted April 26, 2008 Author Share Posted April 26, 2008 I took dinner yesterday. Her dh was getting an Rx filled and I stayed with her until he got back. I was planning to sit with her anyway. She said some of the things you said not to say. I just let her know I was there for her and let her talk. I let her lead the conversation and we talked about so much - her birthday earlier this month, how her family is already against them homeschooling, how wonderful her ds is. Thank you ladies! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakingScrapbooks Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 Having had one myself, I would suggest just making sure she knows you're there for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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