calling reformed "doormats" vent/pity party inside

[kwickimom]

Have you ever gone from a doormat to a regular person who doesnt let people walk all over you?

 

I am sick of being a doormat. Its like even to the point that strangers sense it in me and treat me like crap. My "friends" and DH use me as one and even though some dont realize it, they do it, but its because I allow it.

 

I need help. I dont really know how to change it because I dont want to be mean. I am a really good friend, wife, and mother. I always give 100% and people just expect that from me and never appreciate what I do. I have done so much for so many people and in return its either nothing, or I am used as a free babysitter or only called when they have on one else...etc etc

 

Now, I am not saying I need something in return for everything I do. I do these things because I want to. I am the type of person that would do anything for anyone, even strangers. But when I never get anything in return, I tend to wonder.....

 

Every friend I have made in the 7 years I have lived here has at one point treated me like human waste. I cannot get a decent friend to save my life. Cant talk about the DH...but its the same. Do I literally have to stop doing things for people?

 

I feel like its lonely old me here. Like I cant depend on a single person here. I just dont get what it is about me that people just dont care about :crying:

 

Yikes I reread this and it sounds so stinking whiny. I have had the HORRIBLE stomach flu at my house for 9 days and I am TIRED and IRRITABLE.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

You know what to do.

 

Now get some rest, kick back, drink some gingerale and go read a book. Having a house full of sickies is the worst for morale. Get yourself better, get them better, get the house back under control and then make one decision at a time as they come-don't forget to use the word no.

[Gratia271]

It doesn't sound whiny to me at all nor like you are a doormat. You are a giving person doing a wonderful job taking care of others, and they are taking that for granted. I am my family's support network, and I never feel as though I can voice any problems in my life. They don't perceive me as the family landfill, though I think that more and more every single day. From reading some other posts today, I can say quit doing it. Take care of yourself. I am to the point physically and emotionally where I am becoming no good to anyone because I cannot take any more horror in my family dynamics. Be good to yourself; they'll learn to manage for themselves if they have to.

 

And :grouphug: to you! I hope you feel better soon.

[Scarlett]

Have you ever gone from a doormat to a regular person who doesnt let people walk all over you?

 

I am sick of being a doormat. Its like even to the point that strangers sense it in me and treat me like crap. My "friends" and DH use me as one and even though some dont realize it, they do it, but its because I allow it.

 

I need help. I dont really know how to change it because I dont want to be mean. I am a really good friend, wife, and mother. I always give 100% and people just expect that from me and never appreciate what I do. I have done so much for so many people and in return its either nothing, or I am used as a free babysitter or only called when they have on one else...etc etc

 

Now, I am not saying I need something in return for everything I do. I do these things because I want to. I am the type of person that would do anything for anyone, even strangers. But when I never get anything in return, I tend to wonder.....

 

Every friend I have made in the 7 years I have lived here has at one point treated me like human waste. I cannot get a decent friend to save my life. Cant talk about the DH...but its the same. Do I literally have to stop doing things for people?

 

I feel like its lonely old me here. Like I cant depend on a single person here. I just dont get what it is about me that people just dont care about :crying:

 

Yikes I reread this and it sounds so stinking whiny. I have had the HORRIBLE stomach flu at my house for 9 days and I am TIRED and IRRITABLE.

 

Well, everything seems worse when there is sickness in the house....so I agree...go rest!

 

And then----learn about boundaries. There is a good book about boundaries...can someone help me with the name of it? Anyway, you have to learn when to say no and how to say no in kindness.

 

As far as getting back from relationships...do you ask for help? I have a hard time with that.....since my horrific divorce I've learned to lean on others more and it has been a revelation for me. People WANT to help. I heard a great quote the other day.....'Receiving, without opportunity to reciprocate, corrodes the soul.' I love that. But people can't help you if you don't ask for help.

 

If people are out and out treating you wrong....well, I have my mom's expression for that...'Stay away from people who make you feel bad.' :)

 

As for the others.....try to moderate things. Give less, ask for more, until you feel a better sense of balance.

 

An example from my life....I have a young friend (under 30) who has 4 kids under 8. newborn, 2, 7, 8..something like that. She will sometimes (maybe once a month or so) ask me to watch her 2 year old. If I can, I do. This week she ask me to watch him while she went with her sister to chemo. Stab! Who can say no to that? But I did. Because I am sick, behind on my own work AND because I know she doesn't HAVE to go with her sister....other family will be with her. I just said, 'I'm sorry, I'm sick and not up to it.' She isn't angry and I will stay on her list of people she asks for help at times. And on the flip side, I have asked her for help at times---if I need a sitter for my son or something. But at this point in our relationship she is more the taker because she has 4 babies and I only have a 10 year old.

 

See? And that is the give and take of friendship. I think I've rambled...sorry you are having a bad day.

[elizabeth]

I am so sorry for the frustration, exasperation and hurt you are feeling. I have no words of advice but certainly understand all too well what you are saying. One thing I am pondering is why I attract ppl who see no problem in trying to control , manipulate and demand that I conduct my life in the manner they think I should...Some people are simply careless, demanding !@#$% who are accustomed to getting whatever they want and when they don't watch out as they will hurl invectives and act abominably. As I see it the issue is not whether or not a person behaves like a "doormat," by helping others, being kind and the like , the issue is how many $%^&*&^%% will see this quality and use it for their own benefit, stomp on your feelings and then wipe their feet and amble on. It is a character and morality issue just not yours...it is their problem. In any event, :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I need help. I dont really know how to change it because I dont want to be mean.

 

And there's your problem.

 

Right. There.

 

"I don't want to be mean."

 

Just because you say no to someone when they ask for something does not make you a mean person.

 

I have never, ever been a doormat. I asked my DH about it (because he was sitting here a minute ago having a cup of coffee) and he said that I'm the Anti-Doormat. (He also said that I'm intimidating, but apparently it runs in my family. ;))

 

Basically, I believe that helping others is a good thing, but helping everyone isn't a requirement. Prioritize yourself and your family, and if there's still time and energy, help others. You can donate money to good causes, donate gently used items to people in need, give food to food pantries, buy gift cards for families in need, etc. You can donate your time when you have it to spare.

 

You can still be a good friend without being everyone's free go-to babysitter, or the one who runs errands for able-bodied-but-lazy friends, or the slave who is at every family member's beck and call 24/7.

 

It's really ok to say no. The trick is to not make excuses. If you say no to a request, and that person asks for the reason why you can't do something, they are being rude, and it is a perfectly valid response to simply say that you're sorry, but you just can't. Again, you don't need a reason to say no. You are not evil, even if you just want some time to yourself so you can have a snack and watch TV.

 

I think the only way to get out of the doormat rut is to start to recognize your own personal worth. You are worth as much as every single person who asks you for something they could do themselves (or pay someone else to do.) They are taking advantage of your kindness, and that is wrong.

 

You are not being mean when you graciously but firmly say no to a request. Well, ok, if someone is bleeding heavily and needs an ambulance, you should probably call 911, but most of the time, it really is ok to say no.

 

And if anyone gets upset or angry with you, that person probably isn't a true friend anyway.

 

It's so obvious that you're an incredibly nice person, but it's wrong for people to take advantage of that. You can fix it. It will take a little time, but you can do it. You just have to remember that your time and feelings matter as much as everyone else's do, and learn to say no. You can feel sorry for someone without solving all of their problems for them. Honestly, you've been managing your own life and dealing with problems and stress, and somehow you've done it without asking everyone you know to do everything for you, right?

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

 

PS. I'm so sorry you've been ill -- I hope you feel better soon! (And how many of your friends and family have stepped up to take care of you when you were really sick? Those are the people that matter!)

Edited December 3, 2010 by Catwoman
forgot the PS

[Merry]

Try reading one of Miss Manners's etiquette books. There is excellent advice there on how to say no without feeling mean.

[QuirkyKapers]

Boy do I hear ya! I try and remember that other people feel free to tell me no or not help or whatever, so why do can't I do the same thing? It can feel hard and uncomfortable to say no. However, when I do stick to my guns and say what I want or can't do, people never respond in the way I think they will. I have found what can paralyze me quicker than anything is letting my unrational fear overtake the rational response I really want to give. :grouphug:

[RayDad]

The book is:

Boundaries: when to say yes, when to say no; to take control of your life book

I hope your future changes have a great day.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:Big hug

[Denisemomof4]

You know, I could have written your post word for word about 8 years ago. But to be honest, people used me until I was so beaten up and bruised that dh really stood in and demanded more out of me. I was a doormat all my life (not to dh, he has always been respectful) and it pained me greatly. You are ahead of me in that you already know it's happening because you allow it. I was nearly 40 when I realized that. I was 35 before I really stood up to my sister for the FIRST time.

 

I can't say people treated me like crap, and I can say I've had three long term friends who have always been good as gold to me, but I can say that once I relocated to NH from CA, it seemed like many of my relationships were of me giving and others taking. It simply wore me out entirely.

 

Three years ago a good friend's husband was dying. I was the ONLY one there for her. They had tons and tons of friends as a couple, but NOBODY was there for my friend. And I gave just about everything but blood. I gave more sacrificially to her than I have to any other. We shared a VERY special connection. Honestly, I knew when she was crying without talking to her, she knew when I was upset without talking to me. It was a very special bond. BUT, when my world came crashing down around me and I spent three years taking care of my ailing parents, on top of trying to keep afloat with my RAD dd and two teenagers, MANY trials were going on. Was she EVER there for me? Not once. Friends of mine had warned me about her and even her own SIL told me she's so selfish. Not one phone call or visit when she knew my mother was dying. Not one. I learned who my true local friends were and she was NOT one of them. I decided that I would never, ever again be involved in a relationship that was not reciprocal. I've stuck to it and I've been very happy, calm and peaceful ever since.

 

I do stand up to people more now than I ever have. If I don't stand up for myself, other than dh, who will? I don't care AT ALL what people think of me anymore. If you're unkind, I'm going to say something about it. And I'm CERTAINLY not going to enable you to walk all over me. It's just that simple.

 

When my dad died, a man who was the most kind, loving and generous soul on the face of this earth, I literally saw just how badly people treated him and took advantage of him. I will NOT allow that type of stress and unhappiness in my life. None of us are promised a tomorrow. Make the most of today. Treat others well and live a peaceful life, not allowing others to tear you down.

 

This is a hot topic for me. Sorry if I am a little strong with my wording.

[Parrothead]

Have you ever gone from a doormat to a regular person who doesnt let people walk all over you?

I went from a people pleaser to a **tch over the course of 25 years or so. Now my favorite word is "no."

 

I am sick of being a doormat. Its like even to the point that strangers sense it in me and treat me like crap. My "friends" and DH use me as one and even though some dont realize it, they do it, but its because I allow it.

I don't want to kick you when you are down, but yes, ultimately it is your fault. Say it with me, "NO!" Don't scream it, say it with meaning. Again, "NO!"

 

I need help. I dont really know how to change it because I dont want to be mean. I am a really good friend, wife, and mother. I always give 100% and people just expect that from me and never appreciate what I do. I have done so much for so many people and in return its either nothing, or I am used as a free babysitter or only called when they have on one else...etc etc

There is a difference between being mean and standing up for yourself. Now, practice this with me, "I'm sorry, I can't." (We will work up to "I can't" by itself soon.) When someone nags at you and tries rephrase the request or tells you it is a matter of life or death (unless it truly really is a matter of blood or fire) say it over and over and over until your requester gets the message. "I'm sorry, I can't."

 

Now, I am not saying I need something in return for everything I do. I do these things because I want to. I am the type of person that would do anything for anyone, even strangers. But when I never get anything in return, I tend to wonder.....

With dh and the kids you can practice the slightly sarcastic very meaningful, delivered with The Look, "Your welcome..." If there is a brain in the individual heads they will get it. But, and there is a big but, this must also be reciprocated. Thank dh and the kids for everything. Look them in the eye (it is important to have eye contact so they know you are saying it to them.) and say a simple, "Thank you."

 

Every friend I have made in the 7 years I have lived here has at one point treated me like human waste. I cannot get a decent friend to save my life. Cant talk about the DH...but its the same. Do I literally have to stop doing things for people?

Sorry to tell you, but they are not friends. They are users. Yes, you literally have to stop doing things for other people. Do one thing for someone else. Use the "I'm sorry, I can't" line until your help is reciprocated. Or at a minimum a nice thank you note sent. If there is no reciprocation then you know these people are nice to talk to while waiting for the kids lessons to finish, but they aren't anyone you want to invest any emotion in.

 

I feel like its lonely old me here. Like I cant depend on a single person here. I just dont get what it is about me that people just dont care about :crying:

People care about you. I care about you or I wouldn't be typing this out. ;) I think you are a beautiful woman in the middle of a well deserved pity party. Brood on it for a while, rant about it here then make a stand.

 

 

Yikes I reread this and it sounds so stinking whiny. I have had the HORRIBLE stomach flu at my house for 9 days and I am TIRED and IRRITABLE.

:grouphug: It will get better.

[Hedgehog]

And there's your problem.

 

Right. There.

 

"I don't want to be mean."

 

Just because you say no to someone when they ask for something does not make you a mean person.

 

I have never, ever been a doormat. I asked my DH about it (because he was sitting here a minute ago having a cup of coffee) and he said that I'm the Anti-Doormat. (He also said that I'm intimidating, but apparently it runs in my family. ;))

 

Basically, I believe that helping others is a good thing, but helping everyone isn't a requirement. Prioritize yourself and your family, and if there's still time and energy, help others. You can donate money to good causes, donate gently used items to people in need, give food to food pantries, buy gift cards for families in need, etc. You can donate your time when you have it to spare.

 

You can still be a good friend without being everyone's free go-to babysitter, or the one who runs errands for able-bodied-but-lazy friends, or the slave who is at every family member's beck and call 24/7.

 

It's really ok to say no. The trick is to not make excuses. If you say no to a request, and that person asks for the reason why you can't do something, they are being rude, and it is a perfectly valid response to simply say that you're sorry, but you just can't. Again, you don't need a reason to say no. You are not evil, even if you just want some time to yourself so you can have a snack and watch TV.

 

I think the only way to get out of the doormat rut is to start to recognize your own personal worth. You are worth as much as every single person who asks you for something they could do themselves (or pay someone else to do.) They are taking advantage of your kindness, and that is wrong.

 

You are not being mean when you graciously but firmly say no to a request. Well, ok, if someone is bleeding heavily and needs an ambulance, you should probably call 911, but most of the time, it really is ok to say no.

 

And if anyone gets upset or angry with you, that person probably isn't a true friend anyway.

 

It's so obvious that you're an incredibly nice person, but it's wrong for people to take advantage of that. You can fix it. It will take a little time, but you can do it. You just have to remember that your time and feelings matter as much as everyone else's do, and learn to say no. You can feel sorry for someone without solving all of their problems for them. Honestly, you've been managing your own life and dealing with problems and stress, and somehow you've done it without asking everyone you know to do everything for you, right?

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

 

PS. I'm so sorry you've been ill -- I hope you feel better soon! (And how many of your friends and family have stepped up to take care of you when you were really sick? Those are the people that matter!)

 

:iagree: Well said. :001_smile:

[Denisemomof4]

Parrotfeet had some EXCELLENT advice.:lol: Seriously. That was VERY good. The first few times you say no, it will be hard. But it will get easier. I now say no regularly.

 

I'm curious as to how old you are. I say this because really, I've noticed that as women approach or reach their 40's, that's when they start to no longer care what people think and start to think of themselves more. I've seen that over and over, even here.

 

You absolutely need to think of yourself more and stop letting people walk all over you. You are the only one who can change this.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: If you need to be accountable to someone, please feel free to ask anyone here who has overcome this, me included.

[Catwoman]

This is a hot topic for me. Sorry if I am a little strong with my wording.

 

I thought you were very eloquent, Denise!

 

Cat

[Denisemomof4]

And there's your problem.

 

Right. There.

 

"I don't want to be mean."

 

Just because you say no to someone when they ask for something does not make you a mean person.

 

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Denisemomof4]

I thought you were very eloquent, Denise!

 

Cat

 

Oh my! Denise and eloquent are rarely used together. Thank you! I will remember this always!!!;):lol::lol::lol:

 

Off to get ready for Boston!

[kwickimom]

:crying: Thank you everyone...each and every post.

 

Denise- I am 32, I have always been scared of 40, but if it makes me not give a rip about what people think, I welcome it :D one thing to look forward to!

 

I truly am not too afraid to say no, its just I dont really ever want to. Like the free babysitting is a friend of my DD's who hates to stay at home because her mom is anal and wont let her play with anything for fear she might make a mess. Here it is homeschool heaven and they can do a million projects and paint their nails and play with playdoh. And the girl is so sweet and thankful, but her mother.....grrr.....tries to manipulate me by saying her kid wants to come over and that she will take my DD next week...and then she never does. So, I do it for my DD's friend, but the mother is making me mad. So I do need to put my foot down, but it truly is no problem for me to have her kid over. I really dont want to let the little girl down either ya know?

 

So that wouldnt be so bad, if her mother didnt use me for countless other things I guess. And if every person I know didnt do that. SIGH I think it is a culmination of things that sparked my little debbie downer party.

 

Parrothead and Denise and Cat.....all very good advice and thanks for making me feel better. Raydad I will so check out that book, thanks!

 

To you other huggers, thank you too! I love that this board always renews my faith in good people ;)

[Parrothead]

Parrotfeet had some EXCELLENT advice.:lol: Seriously. That was VERY good. The first few times you say no, it will be hard. But it will get easier. I now say no regularly.

 

I'm curious as to how old you are. I say this because really, I've noticed that as women approach or reach their 40's, that's when they start to no longer care what people think and start to think of themselves more. I've seen that over and over, even here.

 

You absolutely need to think of yourself more and stop letting people walk all over you. You are the only one who can change this.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: If you need to be accountable to someone, please feel free to ask anyone here who has overcome this, me included.

ParrotFEET?!? What the heck? :lol::lol::lol:

[JVA]

You've gotten GREAT advice here. I am SO not a doormat that my dh sometimes has to 'talk me down' when someone irriatates me! BUT, I've still needed this book for myself and highly recommend it. It will liberate you. You are precious in God's eyes, with talents and abilities all put together in just a certain way. No one else is like you. You are unique. I hope others will see and value you the way God does. Blessings! :grouphug:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-No--Inspirio-Zondervan-Miniature/dp/0762421029/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1291403596&sr=1-1

[justasque]

Like the free babysitting is a friend of my DD's who hates to stay at home because her mom is anal and wont let her play with anything for fear she might make a mess. Here it is homeschool heaven and they can do a million projects and paint their nails and play with playdoh. And the girl is so sweet and thankful, but her mother.....grrr.....tries to manipulate me by saying her kid wants to come over and that she will take my DD next week...and then she never does.

 

I think you have to accept that some relationships are like that, and to decide on your own terms if they're worth it or not. If your dd likes this girl, and the girl is polite and thankful and such, then have her over whenever it suits you and don't worry about whether the mom will reciprocate. If you feel like you're getting what you need out of it (a convenient friend for dd, for example) then don't keep score about whether the relationship is equal. (It sounds like you and dd probably like it this way anyway - who would want to go to the other girl's house if there's nothing to do!) At the same time, don't feel like you need to say yes to other stuff with this family. Keep it simple. You might even explain to the mom that you like it this way as it suits your needs - let her off the hook for reciprocating, which neither of you would really enjoy. Or find ways she *can* help you out - perhaps she can pack lunch for her dd so you don't have to feed her, or perhaps there's something she's good at that she can help you with. And if her dd wants to come over but it doesn't work well for you, just say no.

 

We have opened our home like this to lots of kids over the years. While some don't reciprocate, others do, or at least bring snacks etc. to make it easier for us. At the same time, we've participated in activities where we were more the "drop-off" parents and others shouldered the load. You just have to think of the big picture - we each do what we can, what we like, what we're good at, what fits our schedule. As time goes by, things will shift, and we'll find ourselves helping others in different ways, and needing different things from others. It's all good.

[Catwoman]

I truly am not too afraid to say no, its just I dont really ever want to. Like the free babysitting is a friend of my DD's who hates to stay at home because her mom is anal and wont let her play with anything for fear she might make a mess. ...So, I do it for my DD's friend, but the mother is making me mad. So I do need to put my foot down, but it truly is no problem for me to have her kid over. I really dont want to let the little girl down either ya know?

 

 

 

I think there's a big difference between wanting to do something nice for someone (like your dd's friend) and feeling put-upon because someone wants you to do something nice for them.

 

I think you have to assume that your dd's friend's mom is a user. Period. But you can determine how and when she gets away with it. I'm sure she thinks she's incredibly clever to have gotten you to babysit her dd for free all the time. So let her believe whatever she wants, if the kid is nice and your dd likes her.

 

But... put your foot down about the other things. Suddenly become too busy to do the other things for her. Just say no. Be polite but firm. She won't like it, but she probably won't be willing to give up her free babysitter, either, so she might not make too big a fuss about it.

 

You're not being a doormat if you're doing something you want to do. Being nice and helping others does not define you as a doormat. It's when you let people overstep their bounds and it makes you feel stressed, tired, uncomfortable, and like you have no time for yourself, that you're being a doormat.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[Scarlett]

ParrotFEET?!? What the heck? :lol::lol::lol:

 

Oh MY WORD. That is hilarious!!!!

[Scarlett]

Three years ago a good friend's husband was dying. I was the ONLY one there for her...... BUT, when my world came crashing down around me and I spent three years taking care of my ailing parents, on top of trying to keep afloat with my RAD dd and two teenagers, MANY trials were going on. Was she EVER there for me? Not once.

 

I have a friend like this. I spent years being there for her during her worst times....cheating husband, her own incurable cancer, her ds failing school and helping her navigate how to homeschool him....but when I had a personal crisis earlier this year....she wasn't there for me. She basically disagreed with my choices (which I now agree were WRONG choices) but instead of LOVING me and helping me she just dismissed me. I have always known I was a better friend to her than she is to me....but when the chips are down it really ticks me off that she could so easily cut me out of her life---it felt like punishment even!

 

Grrrrrr.........Sorry I get wound up about it. LOL

[Laurie4b]

I hope your family is feeling better soon.

 

You've taught people how to treat you. It happens little by little. Some people may not be at all ill-meaning; they may not realize how you feel. But you teach them how to treat you with every interaction you have with them.

 

It is not up to other people to guess how you feel. It's unfair to ask people to read minds. I'm guessing there is some of that in there: "Perhaps they will notice ____ and do _____ or say______." For whatever reason, you are particularly sensitive about noticing things others need. Not everyone is like that. Some people are just not tuned in; others are just selfish. But you have to say what you want and let people know what you need.

 

You don't want to be mean and I think it's a good goal not to be a mean person. You don't want to totally swing the opposite way, of course! But I think when you say, "I don't want to be mean," your idea of "mean" is probably your average person's idea of normal & healthy. A lot of people say no without any trouble so when you don't, they assume it's because you want to do whatever it is they've asked. (That's part of what I mean by people not being able to read minds.) Most people think it's normal to say no when they can't/dont want to do something.

 

The other thing that will help you change is to figure out what you have gotten out of being a doormat. That's important because you need to know what you're giving up. (What you will be getting is better, but a lot of people don't like to give up the thing they've idolized.) A lot of "good girls" really need to be thought of as...well..."good girls." Many like the idea of being a kind of savior or superhero that everyone admires (until it becomes taken for granted and no longer admired). Others grew up thinking that it was not okay for them to have any wants/needs of their own and in order to survive in their family, they took on the "good girl" role: "Always please others, be hypervigilant to look for other's needs, etc. and you may get a little bit of what you need in this family. " For some people, it's a bit of an unbalanced application of their religious beliefs. For others, it's a way to stay on the top of the hierarchy by being able to think of themselves as a really good person. Whatever it is for you, it's very helpful if you figure out what it is that you get when you give too much. It makes it a lot easier to move into a new way of relating to others.

[Parrothead]

Oh MY WORD. That is hilarious!!!!

She is messing with me. :D

[Hedgehog]

She is messing with me. :D

 

"Parrotfeet"... too funny. Maybe you should change your pic!!

[Peela]

There seems to be something in our western culture that makes people hate themselves. There is self loathing everywhere. If you go to some other cultures, people aren't so much like that- they like themselves. We seem to think its good to hate ourselves and supposedly love others, put others first ....but the truth is, if you dont love yourself, you can't truly love anyone else, either. I am not talking about egoic self centred supposed love...I am talking about recognising that you ARE a good person, that you ARE ok just as you are, that you are doing your best always (and so is everyone else) and that you deserve to be treated well- at least as well as everyone else.

 

When you are your own best friend, and can act in your own best interests...you can do far more to help others and you do it from a much healthier place.

 

AND you set a much healthier example to your children than a mum who martyrs herself for everyone. I think its so important that kids see mum taking care of herself and that she knows how and when to say no.

So....at least, do it for your kids!

Edited December 4, 2010 by Peela

[kalanamak]

I had to get over this in my late teens and early 20s. It was a form of shyness, for me. I started to run a little "favor meter" in my head. If someone asked me to do something, I'd think "would they do it for me?" If the answer was no, I said no.

 

If you get the idea that the TP is approaching (you start to think you are being treated like human waste), speak up. Practice what you'll say, say it to yourself in the mirror. Try to be calm in demeanor, but look them in the eye and be serious. (E.g. "I don't mind giving your little Elroy a ride from the park, but I cannot be expected to then watch him because you are so late. Please be punctual getting to my house. It put a real dent in my plans." And THEN smile briefly, as if you are confident that understand. Don't get in a p*ssing match over it. If they get angry and start to vent on you, either leave or cock your head and ask why they would be so rude.)

 

If you attempts to grow a backbone fall on deaf ears, then, yes, I would stop giving the rides and babysitting and all the extras FOR THAT PERSON. If these people know each other, expect some gossip.

 

:grouphug: I, honestly, didn't figure out how to make solid boundaries until I was in med school, and so busy, I just said nonononononononononono for years.

[kwickimom]

I've been mulling this over and I think I have more issues than I thought LOL

 

I do not put myself anywhere near first...my Dh and family yes, me...not so much. I am trying to work on this (mostly have self confidence issues)

 

I am too nice, I need to start making boundaries.

 

I am a homebody so I think people think a lot is OK because I am at home a lot and they are runnign around. I need to find more things to do away from here. My one friend had a hard time adjusting to me HS'ing and not having all kinds of time for me to chat with her and listen to all her issues.

 

I have to remiind myself that my time is just as important as everyone elses. I tend to minimalize my stuff compared to others

 

It just feels so odd to be all me, me, me. I dont do things for others to get attention or a pat on the back, I do it because I love it. But boy does it get me down to not have many people care back! I think I was just getting frustrated. :001_smile:

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

Have you ever gone from a doormat to a regular person who doesnt let people walk all over you?

 

I am sick of being a doormat.

I need help. I dont really know how to change it because I dont want to be mean. I am a really good friend, wife, and mother. I always give 100% and people just expect that from me and never appreciate what I do. I have done so much for so many people and in return its either nothing, or I am used as a free babysitter or only called when they have on one else...etc etc.

 

 

I did this in October! :grouphug: I stood up and said I am tired to being a doormat. What is sad is that everyone had control of my life but me. I allowed my dh to give me orders for the last 8 years, and I allow my mother to treat me like a kid still. I allowed my children to run the house. I was afraid to go out in public because my 2yo has awful behaviour and it embarrassed me.

If you notice all the allows; I am not saying they aren't to be held accountable for treating me badly but I did let it happen. I let my marriage become this way.

 

I think the 1st step (for me at least) was to Really Really Believe that I deserve better. I deserve to be treated by my dh as an Equal Partner. It does not matter that I don't bring home a paycheck, I contribute to this family in thousands of other ways. I don't want to tell him what to do or have him serve me, but I don't want to be bossed around either. I deserve to have my mother treat me like an adult. If we go shopping together, even if I pay, she will tell all the salesmen/women that she needs to keep my receipt because I will lose it.

 

The 2nd step is to quit feeling Guilty when you don't want to do something, or when you need to ask for something. My dh is working Christmas Day, he will leave the house at 7am and won't be home til the 26th at 8:30am. I told him I didn't want his dad to come this year until the 26th. I want to spend Christmas enjoying my kids. I do all the work finding out what they want, shopping for it, and wrapping it. I want to play with them too. I don't want to cook, clean and entertain when my dh is going to be gone. On top of that my marriage has been shaky and I don't want to have to act like it is all great. Today I stood up to the pressure and dealt with my dh being pissed at me. I told dh this a month ago. He supposedly told his dad. Well FIL called today and said he is coming Christmas morning. I said I am sorry but that won't work for me. I will be very happy to see you on the 26th though. He said he will just come Christmas night then. I got angry instead of feeling guilty. My FIL can't respect me enough to back off and grant me 1 stinking day. Dh won't even be there! And then I got mad because DH cares more about his dad's wants than mine. FIL and I do not have a great relationship ever since he insisted 2 years ago that I should have to ask permission to take a shower since we have 3 kids. My dh used to sleep until 11am on his days off and then if I asked for a shower he would ask me to wait because he just woke up. But I couldn't take a shower before he got up because the kids would be too loud and wake him up and then I would get yelled at for waking him up on his "day off." Not anymore. I get up between 6-6:30 most days and I am showering then. If it wakes him up, he needs to learn to fall back asleep or get some ear muffs.

 

Being a doormat just got me depressed. I realized in July that I hated my life. I shouldn't because I get to stay home with my 3 children, and I get to homeschool, but I hate the days when he was home.

 

No longer. I will say the first month was the most difficult. Dh really didn't like the changes because now he is held accountable and he actually has to do stuff around here. I insist on his days off that he handles half the childcare and a portion of the housework.

I rocked the boat and I thought we were all going under, but we all survived so far.

 

I also have a friend who uses me big time. I have been able to tell her I am really sorry you are having an awful time, and that's it. I cannot handle her problems anymore, I have my own. I have learned to tell her I just can't do "that" this week, and change the conversation.

 

3. Quit giving people reasons. If a friend calls you and you can't help her she doesn't need to know why. It may be that you want to stay in jammies that day, or you might really have a Dr's appointment. When you give them a reason you are trying to justify why you can't help. You don't need to help all the time, you have every right to just say no for the heck of it.

 

For me, I have also been on my knees every morning to pray I make the right decisions. I want to know when to help and when to say no. I want to be loving to my dh but not allow him to control me. I want our marriage to be a great friendship and good lovers. I want to have a good relationship with my mom as 2 adult women, but I will not be treated as a child anymore. You know yesterday she insinuated I was a bad mom because I don't allow my kids to have junk food. :confused: Really?!!

My doormat self would have allowed her to give me the box of fruit snacks she bought, but the New me told her no thank you. I do not want chemicals in my house, and it is a choice I made for my family. That is all she needs to know. I didn't try to justify and explain why it is healthier to give them an apple because that is catering to her desire to control me.

 

 

Sorry this is so long.

[Catwoman]

It just feels so odd to be all me, me, me.

 

Nothing you have posted has made it sound like you're being even slightly self-centered. I think you sound incredibly nice!

 

I like kalanamak's "favor meter" concept. It could really help you prioritize your time, and help you decide who is and is not worthy of your extra efforts.

 

Cat