a thanksgiving WWYD

[ktgrok]

So, my parents live 3 1/2 hours away, or a bit more. My sister lives on the other side of the town I live in, about 30 minutes away from me, and 3 hours from my parents. She had a baby 3 weeks ago, Ive got a 9 month old and an 11 year old. The last few years we have divided the holidays between my parent's house and my house. (my sister doesn't cook). The past two years we have done christmas here, and thanksgiving at my moms. This year though we had planned on doing both holidays here at my house, so my sister wouldn't have to travel with the newborn baby. That was what I planned on. Well, today I'm informed by my sister that they want to go down to my mom's for thanksiving so BIL and my dad can go fishing on the boat. (parents live near the ocean). So, now, less than two weeks, and I have to find a pet sitter, change plans, etc.

 

The issues are that my daughter hates car rides and will scream a good portion of the way. My son will be at his father's house anyway, so my mom won't be seeing him either way, and I will be a bit out of sorts about it either way. And, in bigger issues, we are broke. We spent money more freely than we should on some home repairs (and went out to eat a few times, which we shouldn't have) and I was buying too many organic healthy foods. So the budget is pretty much tight to nonexistent until DH gets paid again on the 1st. We will have child support money coming in on the wednesday before thanksgiving, but that is it. Theoretically that would be enough to pay for gas, a petsitter, and my son's specialist appointment that day, etc. But leave us really nothing much afterwards. Plus, honestly, I'm exhausted and don't want to sleep in a strange bed and pack up all the stuff for the baby and have her sleeping in the pack and play and then there are all the cloth diapers. And my husband gets really stressed out on holidays...he comes from a very messed up family and holidays were never fun. Cops being called was not unheard of. And he doesn't like my sister (for valid reasons).

 

Oh, and his mother is in a rehab facility and honestly may not live another year. Mostly due to her own life choices, and like I said she isn't a very good person, but still.

 

So, my options are:

1. Tell my mom that we can't afford to come. She will probably try to pay for things then,and be hurt if we don't accept the money. But if we accept it my husband will feel inadequate and uncomfortable.

2. Tell my mother that we wish we could come, but this may be his mother's last thanksiving, and we want to stay in town, have dinner just hubby and the baby and I, and bring a big plate of it to his mother and eat with her.

3. Fake sick and tell her we can't come because i have a cold and we don't want to get my sister's kid sick, and I don't feel up to traveling.

 

So...what says the hive?

[Jean in Newcastle]

#2 sounds like it is true and a perfectly reasonable way to go.

[kalanamak]

#2 sounds like it is true and a perfectly reasonable way to go.

 

:iagree:Hope your BIL has a great time fishing. :lol:

[Sophia]

I vote for #2 also.

[Denisemomof4]

#2 sounds like it is true and a perfectly reasonable way to go.

:iagree:

[Starr]

There is #4 about your baby not doing well for long car rides.

[tex-mex]

#2 -- if this is what you truly want to do.

 

I would have said #1.

But it sounds like you don't want to go? Personally, if your sister is like this, don't offer to host in the future just to please her. I think you could drive to your mom's during the night (that way the baby sleeps in the car and doesn't cry). Your mom would love to have you over and let her help out with $$$ funds, for pity's sake. That is what family is for.

 

I come from a weird family -- so I TOTALLY sympathize with your dh -- but I disagree with his attitude of not wanting to go to see family at holidays. That is not a good perspective and it will affect your kids when they grow up. I now love visiting DH's family for the holidays and my son laughs at my family stories of how miserable my childhood holidays (i.e. cops called & drunken arguments) were. I love the fact my son LOVES family and celebrations with them.

 

ETA: You can always visit DH's mom early for Thanksgiving -- if your family is 3.5 hours away. That is super easy to do. We have a 13 hour drive we do every Christmas to see ILs when son was a newborn to current 15 yrs old. He learned to be a good road warrior as a result.

Edited November 17, 2010 by tex-mex

[ktgrok]

She's actually worse at night...she seems almost afraid of the dark. She would cry the whole time if it were night. She will only cry part of the way if it is daytime. And you are right, I honestly just don't feel up to going. My life is very stressful right now, and this is just one more stress. I saw my family just a week ago, when they were up here visiting, and also two weeks before that, when my sister had the baby. And they will be up here for Christmas. So I honestly have and will see them plenty. Dealing with the stress of traveling, the stress and expense of finding a pet sitter for my 3 dogs and 2 cats and one fish (one dog is MIL's dog, we've had him for the past year while she's been hospitilized)....it's all so much. And my DH is so stressed lately I hate to add to it. Normally he does go to all the family functions, he's never missed one. I didn't mean to make it sound like we usually avoid them. This would be my first thanksgiving without my parents actually in my whole life, at 34 years old.

 

ok, it sounds like i've already made up my mind...

 

#2 -- if this is what you truly want to do.

 

I would have said #1.

But it sounds like you don't want to go? Personally, if your sister is like this, don't offer to host in the future just to please her. I think you could drive to your mom's during the night (that way the baby sleeps in the car and doesn't cry). Your mom would love to have you over and let her help out with $$$ funds, for pity's sake. That is what family is for.

 

I come from a weird family -- so I TOTALLY sympathize with your dh -- but I disagree with his attitude of not wanting to go to see family at holidays. That is not a good perspective and it will affect your kids when they grow up. I now love visiting DH's family for the holidays and my son laughs at my family stories of how miserable my childhood holidays were. I love the fact my son LOVES family and celebrations with them.

[tex-mex]

ok, it sounds like i've already made up my mind...

Then the decision is made. It won't kill your family for you not to be there. We only see family (they live out of state) for summers and Christmas. They rarely visit -- so we always have to make the effort to see them. It is a PITA to get organized with a baby and travel. But now after doing it for so many years -- it is easy. (Now that son is a teen. ;)) My MIL is dying from a fatal brain tumor and this may be her last Christmas with us. I will miss her greatly, but have no regrets in making huge efforts in the past (it was stressful to travel with kids) to see them. Family is important.

[Jen in PA]

Another vote for option 2.

[BeckyFL]

As I wave my fairy wand I say, "Permission from the hive is granted to do just as you wish"! Poof!

 

(Hope it's ok to speak for everyone LOL)

 

Seriously, don't feel guilty. Going to be with his mom is a good idea too. Really, there comes a point that no matter what you do you can feel guilty. Sometimes we have to do what WE think is best.

 

Better shine up my wand now....

[Jean in Newcastle]

As I wave my fairy wand I say, "Permission from the hive is granted to do just as you wish"! Poof!

 

(Hope it's ok to speak for everyone LOL)

 

Seriously, don't feel guilty. Going to be with his mom is a good idea too. Really, there comes a point that no matter what you do you can feel guilty. Sometimes we have to do what WE think is best.

 

Better shine up my wand now....

 

:iagree: His mom is family too.

[Joker]

Do what you WANT to do! Uggh... I hated the period we spent figuring out what worked for our new family (meaning dh, myself and our kids). It always seemed we made someone unhappy. We eventually decided we would spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas at home and anyone who wished to see us could come to us. We visit family at other times of the year. It's just too hard to make everyone happy all the time. :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Go with #2. Repeat often, as unemotionally as humanly possible, when they object.

[unsinkable]

#2 -- if this is what you truly want to do.

 

I would have said #1.

But it sounds like you don't want to go? Personally, if your sister is like this, don't offer to host in the future just to please her. I think you could drive to your mom's during the night (that way the baby sleeps in the car and doesn't cry). Your mom would love to have you over and let her help out with $$$ funds, for pity's sake. That is what family is for.

 

I come from a weird family -- so I TOTALLY sympathize with your dh -- but I disagree with his attitude of not wanting to go to see family at holidays. That is not a good perspective and it will affect your kids when they grow up. I now love visiting DH's family for the holidays and my son laughs at my family stories of how miserable my childhood holidays (i.e. cops called & drunken arguments) were. I love the fact my son LOVES family and celebrations with them.

 

ETA: You can always visit DH's mom early for Thanksgiving -- if your family is 3.5 hours away. That is super easy to do. We have a 13 hour drive we do every Christmas to see ILs when son was a newborn to current 15 yrs old. He learned to be a good road warrior as a result.

 

Is it even a real party if there are no drunken arguments or cops? :lol:

:grouphug:

 

(Thank God the show Cops wasn't around when I was growing up. :D)

[JoyfulMama]

This would be my first thanksgiving without my parents actually in my whole life, at 34 years old.

 

ok, it sounds like i've already made up my mind...

 

First, I vote #2. And I agree with pp who said his mom is family, too.

 

Last year was my first Thanksgiving without my parents (and I was also 34). It was always my favorite holiday, as it was a huge family gathering. The transition to something different was very hard for me. :grouphug:

[ktgrok]

Thanks, you guys are helping alleviate my guilt. I know my mom will be disapointed....but we will see each other at christmas if not before. And although I will miss having my family and the normal traditions very very much it might be good for my marriage to have a more laid back day just us and the baby. I already have a turkey in the freezer so I'd only have to buy the side items, and we could have some mulled wine and not worry about having to do a long drive afterwards. now, I just need to get the courage up to tell my mother.

[FaithManor]

Option number 2. That is a very, very legitimate concern. You don't need to explain anything else.

 

Faith

[May]

#2 and refuse to feel guilty about the choice:001_smile: