Jean in Newcastle Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Here's the deal. Ds13 has a bad cough - not contagious, I don't think because it is the result of a virus he got 1 week ago, but bad enough to be really disruptive. So he cannot go to church tomorrow. I stayed home with him last weekend because he had a fever and was dizzy. Dh really wants me to go to church tomorrow because I provide logistical support for me mainly by driving while he reviews his sermon in the car. I also teach on Sunday morning and of course was not able to teach last week. I've been feeling very poorly for the last 2 days. But it is the diffuse kind of poorly that is often a result of my chronic illness. If it crystallizes into something definite (like a virus) by the morning I will stay home but if it is just this diffuse "I don't feel well" then I won't automatically stay home because I've learned over 20 years that having to do things for others is actually a good thing for forcing me to live life. We're thinking of leaving ds13 home tomorrow for 4 1/2 hours. There is no question that he will be safe here. We know all our neighbors and if there was a problem he would be fine asking any one of them for help. Plus, I will have my cell phone with me. He's stayed home before, though we did have some trust issues when we did in the past. It's been 6 months and I think those issues are resolved but ds knows that we will be checking to make sure he's making good choices. Dh thinks if we give him specific things to do while we're gone (like schoolwork) he will be kept out of trouble. But when he was going to bed, ds said to me, "I'm sorry, Mom. This sounds really selfish but I really hope that you're sick tomorrow and will stay home with me." Sigh. Do I just hug him tomorrow and tell him to suck it up and stay home? Do I stay home even if I'm really ok going and impact dh and my students? Do I take ds and leave him in the car for 3 hours (one hour of the time we would be gone would be commuting time)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 It sounds like your dh is O.K. with your ds being home alone tomorrow. I think us Moms tend to pamper our children a little longer than our dh's do. But since our dh's also have insight into our children I think you should listen to dh and leave ds home tomorrow, unless you really do need to stay home. He'll be O.K. It's only a few hours. Emphasize that you will be checking on him and that will cause him to be less likely to do something he shouldn't be doing. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Considering that you are sure about safety issues, I'd leave if I felt okay myself. It may be a new step for him but it is not a punishment. Do you suppose he is scared? Can you allow him to watch his favorite movie? This might distract him from realizing that he is home alone, would possibly occupy him enough not to think of any mischief and would make the time pass faster. If he is sick, he may not feel like doing much else anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 If this were me, I'd stay home because this scenario would be so out of the ordinary. (My ds would be fine with staying home alone, if he asked me to stay home I would know that he was feeling worse than I thought. KWIM?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 It would depend on how ds acts normally. If he typically stays home alone and is fine with it....but today is different, then I would stay home. If he usually is a bit reluctant to stay home, but is fine when he does...then I would push it and let dh tell him he needs to tough it out. If I was feeling wishy washy about my decision-then I would let dh take care of it (I am not a submissive wife but sometimes dads do know best). If my gut said I needed to stay home....I would stay in a heartbeat. I think it is a fine line with teens between pushing them towards independence and teaching them that home is a safe place to land, even as an adult. I think that nurturing teens is a precarious thing. I would be more likely to push it with him if I was closer in distance. It sounds like you will be 45 min away from him. That is a bit of a distance if something does go wrong. If it is just a cough, it is unlikely, but illnesses are tricky sometimes. Any possibility that you can arrange a specific check in time (once an hour maybe) and a set person who will run over if he or you need it (prearranged so there isn't any guess work involved). I agree with letting him watch a movie or something to give him a distraction. If you don't have something around the house...Hulu or the network tv stations usually have something of interest. I hope you are all perfectly well by morning, Tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Could he be asking you to stay home with him because whatever bad choice he made 6 months ago, he's not as convinced as you are that he'll be able to behave? It would also depend on whether his asking you to stay home with him is normal or not. My kids practically push me out the door when I say I'm going to leave them for a few minutes to go run an errand or pick up DH or something. So if one of them asked me to stay home, I'd listen hard. I realize it's 4am Sunday here, so depending on where you live you may have already made your decision, but just wanted to voice my wonder if he's worried about temptation being too high for him to repeat the same mistakes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Could he be asking you to stay home with him because whatever bad choice he made 6 months ago, he's not as convinced as you are that he'll be able to behave? It would also depend on whether his asking you to stay home with him is normal or not. My kids practically push me out the door when I say I'm going to leave them for a few minutes to go run an errand or pick up DH or something. So if one of them asked me to stay home, I'd listen hard. I realize it's 4am Sunday here, so depending on where you live you may have already made your decision, but just wanted to voice my wonder if he's worried about temptation being too high for him to repeat the same mistakes. This is what I was thinking. I think if my ds was worried about making bad choices again and that was why he didn't want to be alone I would make arrangements to honor that. I understand pushing him toward independence BUT I think that asking for help to avoid temptation is a very mature thing to do. If it isn't the behavior issue at the root of his concern I would feel differently. If my 13 yo ds was mature enough to tell me he didn't trust himself alone I would be there to help him out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Well, obviously 13 is plenty old enough to stay home alone. Based on your description, if it were my son, he'd be in the car but that is because our meetings are broadcast so that you can get it on the radio if you're in the parking lot. We've done that more than a few times, either all of us or some of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) Can he go to chruch but not services or Sunday School? Does your dh have an office where ds can read/work? I'm all moot now, it being late Sunday morn. ;) Edited October 31, 2010 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 I'm curious, Jean, does he never like to stay home alone, or only when he's sick? If he never likes to stay home alone, maybe it's time to help him be more comfortable with it. Maybe calling the neighbors to tell them you're going out, and asking them if ds can call them if he has an issue will help him feel more comfortable. I used to do this when my boys were younger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 31, 2010 Author Share Posted October 31, 2010 I just woke up! (I still have about an hour before I have to go.) Many of you have hit the nail on the head regarding my concern - the fact that he asked me to stay when normally he would be pushing me out the door. I noticed that he's been a bit more clingy this week - possibly because he isn't feeling as well. I'm healthy enough to go so it will be a decision whether to bring him in the car or to leave him here alone or to stay home myself. Having a movie to distract him is a really good idea. And that might be novel enough to make him want to push me out the door again! I can call between Sunday school and church. Unfortunately the office part of the church is not enclosed and so isn't a place where he really could hang out. I'll be praying about this some more and will gently talk to ds to get a better feel for what he's thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 If the movie idea doesn't work, I think I would stay home with him. Hope you get it figured out, Jean. Have a blessed Sunday either way! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 I forgot about the time difference! Hope everything goes well! I just woke up! (I still have about an hour before I have to go.) Many of you have hit the nail on the head regarding my concern - the fact that he asked me to stay when normally he would be pushing me out the door. I noticed that he's been a bit more clingy this week - possibly because he isn't feeling as well. I'm healthy enough to go so it will be a decision whether to bring him in the car or to leave him here alone or to stay home myself. Having a movie to distract him is a really good idea. And that might be novel enough to make him want to push me out the door again! I can call between Sunday school and church. Unfortunately the office part of the church is not enclosed and so isn't a place where he really could hang out. I'll be praying about this some more and will gently talk to ds to get a better feel for what he's thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 nm - you've probably already made your decision. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Just wanted to encourage you staying home! It's a gem for a 13 year old to want his mom or anyone to stay with him...don't neglect that need/wish...to me, it just shows him he can depend on you and when they're ready/able to go it alone, they will do it without trepidation....a lot can change in a year, listen to your kids...it could also be a great mom/son time to get alone time playing cards, reading a book, just letting him know how much he means to you! Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 31, 2010 Author Share Posted October 31, 2010 I went and he survived.;) I did talk to him a number of times during the morning. He watched a movie and was inspired enough to build some neat lego creations based on it. He also had lunch ready for us (at our suggestion) so that helped a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 I went and he survived.;) I did talk to him a number of times during the morning. He watched a movie and was inspired enough to build some neat lego creations based on it. He also had lunch ready for us (at our suggestion) so that helped a lot. Wow! Lunch ready? Very impressive. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 I'm glad it worked out for all of you, Jean. I didn't post earlier but I've been thinking about you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 31, 2010 Author Share Posted October 31, 2010 Wow! Lunch ready? Very impressive. :-) It was easy. All he had to do was to warm up some canned soup and throw some crackers and cut cheese on the table.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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