Mother problems

[Lara in Colo]

I have discussed my terrible relationship with my mother. We are not really speaking (more my choice than hers). This has been working for me and I really don't know how to be around her without her breaking ALL boundaries so I just stopped the contact. This morning I received a call from my SIL that mother is in the hospital and will be getting a new hip today. Apparently she fell a few days ago and her friend took her to the hospital today. She is only 68yrs old so she I wasn't expecting this type of thing for a few more yrs. I am the only family in the state. I wanted boundaries but if she needs me I will be there for her. I'm guessing this will end up being a long recovery with me moving in with her to take care of her. Please be thinking of me and possibly pray that her heart has changed. Pray for my marriage (she is real good at tearing DH down) pray for my sanity (I tried to kill myself in high school to get away from her). Please pray for our finances (this will put a huge strain on them--try feeding children at the hospital and pay for parking and drive across town to the hospital). On top of all this I have one child who ran a temp of 103.5 yesterday and another one that is starting with first symptoms of the same illness.

 

I'll probaby be whining for a long while. Please ladies be my friend because I could really use one now.

 

Leaving for the hospital now

 

Lara

[eternalknot]

I hope she sees, and appreciates, the wonderful woman you are. I hope this surgery and incident give her pause to see what a difficult situation she has put you in WRT to your marriage and finances, not just now but in the past. Not everyone is willing to drop everything to care for an estranged ill parent; it's a real testament to your character and that of your husband. I have every confidence that will be rewarded, whatever reaction you receive from your mother.

 

Drive safely, and may your mother heal quickly. For many reasons.

[Lara in Colo]

Thank you!

Lara

[FaithManor]

(((HUGS)))

 

If it is any consolation to you Lara, when my grandmother had her hip surgery, she did not come home directly. She went to a re-hab center and was there for at least 30 days of intensive PT and OT. We could have had her stay longer if we had told the medical staff she would have to be able to live fairly independently because we would not be able to care for her, no one would be living with her full time, and she would have to be able to get around her home well. As it was, they sent her home 30 days later because there was family to help her.

 

So, maybe she will go to re-hab and while there, you can have a good talk with the PT and OT people and see if at least respite care can be provided or keep her long enough that she can live pretty much alone upon release.

 

I hope you find peace and that your mother learns to appreciate you.

 

Faith

[GWOB]

:grouphug: My mother is a piece of work. We have a long, rocky history. I prefer to stay away, but I would likely do the same thing you are doing if I was in that situation. You have my prayers.

[Mejane]

So, maybe she will go to re-hab and while there, you can have a good talk with the PT and OT people and see if at least respite care can be provided or keep her long enough that she can live pretty much alone upon release.

 

 

 

This. You didn't ask for advice, but there are other ways than you moving in with her, which sounds like it would be very difficult for you.

 

Best wishes, whatever you decide.

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Give yourself permission to take care of your family first. With small children at home, it might be a better idea if you DIDN'T plan to move in with her. You can help her arrange for nursing or home health care if she needs it. There are excellent agencies that do that sort of thing.

 

Take care of yourself, too!

[blessed3x]

:grouphug:

 

and :iagree: with the other replies.... look for alternatives first and only move in if absolutely necessary.

 

Let us know how it goes, and we support you whatever you decide.

[Nakia]

I certainly understand having a bad/rocky relationship with your mother. I will be praying. I would like to also encourage you to try and find another way for her to receive care besides you moving in with her. It is very hard to be a full-time caregiver, even with someone that you have a great relationship with. Maybe she can get in-home nursing care and physical therapy. It would be a good idea to meet with the social worker/discharge planner at the hospital where she is. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

ETA: Should have read the other replies. I see others have suggested the same thing.

[JoyfulMama]

It would be a good idea to meet with the social worker/discharge planner at the hospital where she is. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

 

:iagree:And be sure to have the hospital staff (RN, PT, and DOCS)encourage her to get a higher level of therapy at rehab than she would at home. Then you just have to follow the recommendation of them. :D

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Give yourself permission to take care of your family first. With small children at home, it might be a better idea if you DIDN'T plan to move in with her. You can help her arrange for nursing or home health care if she needs it. There are excellent agencies that do that sort of thing.

 

Take care of yourself, too!

 

:iagree:

[Impish]

:iagree::grouphug:

[dirty ethel rackham]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Give yourself permission to take care of your family first. With small children at home, it might be a better idea if you DIDN'T plan to move in with her. You can help her arrange for nursing or home health care if she needs it. There are excellent agencies that do that sort of thing.

 

Take care of yourself, too!

 

Yes, yes, yes. My mom broke her pelvis and, even though we have a great relationship with her, she got much better care at the rehab place than she would have in my home. Even though health care and physical have always interested me, I did not have the expertise to help her in the way she needed. I did, however, visit her every day (or make sure that someone went to see her) so that she would keep her spirits up and try her darndest to get better. While I didn't fault my mom for wanting to give up (she was in the most pain she had ever experienced), I knew that the only way out was for her to work through it. Mom had her pride and, if she knew someone was coming, she would do her best to put on her game face (figuratively and literally.)

 

If you cannot visit frequently, I would try to arrange with her friends to do so.

[JVA]

Your first obligation is to your husband and children.

 

You can fulfill an obligation to her- making sure she is cared for and has what she needs- without having to MOVE in with her. Oh my. You already know what that does. It wouldn't be worth the damage to my husband and family, in my opinion. I'd follow some of the advice already given here and have the hospital and social workers suggest rehab places and therapy that doesn't involve you on a day-to-day basis. Visiting her occasionally while she's re-habing is fine, in my opinion. I wouldn't sacrifice my family's well-being for this.

 

Believe me, I have a very difficult mother and have already thought about the 'what-ifs' for the future and have some plans in mind.

There is no need for you to feel guilty for doing less than what you've suggested. You're a grown woman with a family of your own. Assuring her good care is your responsibility, if she's unable to do it herself. But, you don't have to DO it.

[newbie]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Trish]

Figure, there'd be some solution to this if you didn't exist, or lived in Australia, so the way I'd look at it is, having young children in your care are the equivalent of "living in Australia." (hmm. should've checked to see where you're from before writing that!) Their needs come first, at least in the way I would view life! Good luck.