Ugh. Seriously appalled right now. How to handle this?

[NanceXToo]

My daughter (who just turned ten this month) just informed me that a girl who is about her age (maybe a year older) who lives on our street, and who she plays with often, told her something seriously disturbing last night while they were playing together.

 

The girl said to my daughter: "One time, a boy at my school said he was going to put a blindfold over my eyes and rape me."

 

I swear I was totally speechless. My mind went in a thousand different directions, from: Did somebody really say that to her? Is she making that up? If somebody really said it, did she tell her mother, a teacher, somebody?! (she goes to a private school). When was it said to her? Yesterday? A year ago? Did she feel threatened? Does she see that as some kind of joke? Does my daughter even know what that means? Does the girl even know what that means? Why did she have to bring that up to my daughter? My daughter doesn't need to KNOW such a word or concept right now as far as I am concerned!

 

So with all of that racing through my mind, yet again I was put in a really awkward position of trying to explain something not at all age appropriate to my daughter, trying to balance being honest with her (I'd rather give her truthful information than have her head filled with the half truths other kids tell!!) with not giving her more information than she can handle and without totally destroying my kid's innocence, all because of some neighbor kid who said something like this to her.

 

(Last time it was the birth control conversation after a neighbor boy told her that Silly Bandz are made of condoms and then proceeded to tell her what a condom is and what it is for).

 

According to my daughter, the girl had then asked her "do you know what that means" and my daughter said "no" and the girl (supposedly) dropped the subject. I don't even know if the GIRL knows what that means or if she said anything else on the subject that my daughter ISN'T telling me.

 

So now what? I did damage control with my daughter as best I could.

 

Do I go tell the girl's mother (who I know only VERY casually) what her daughter said in case her mother doesn't know, so that her mother can get to the bottom of whether it is true, and if so, how recent it was and can determine whether she needs to go to the school with this and can discuss with her how to handle something like that (and how not to- as in telling other young kids in the neighborhood about things like that)! I should, right?! I know I'd want to know. (of course I would hate for this to cause problems between the neighbor kids and my daughter. But I guess that's not the most important issue here). Ugh!

[Harriet Vane]

Yes, call her mother. Make sure you express concern for her daughter, rather than coming across as disapproving of the conversation. (You don't come across that way in your post--I say that merely as a reminder to tread gently in a delicate situation.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, call her mother. Make sure you express concern for her daughter, rather than coming across as disapproving of the conversation. (You don't come across that way in your post--I say that merely as a reminder to tread gently in a delicate situation.)

 

:iagree:

 

I just wanted to say that when I taught school in the inner-city 25 years ago, my 4th grade girls (yes, you read that right) would come in crying from recess because boys would threaten to rape them.

[NanceXToo]

God, Jean, that makes ME want to cry.

 

I know I probably did sound like I was more concerned about my daughter's innocence than the girl's safety here (I'm sorry, I didn't really mean it like that, I am horrified on behalf of the other girl too, that something like that was ever said to her- how horrible! I hope I didn't sound too callous- but of course I DO get a mama bear thing going on about my daughter's innocence, too)!

 

I will talk to the girl's mom. About to leave for a haircut appointment but I'll see if I can get in touch with her at some point today.

[Mejane]

:iagree:

 

 

 

 

Me, too.

[Mama Geek]

If I were the girls mom I would absolutely want to know.

[UpNorth]

I'll tell a bit of my own story here for a little bit of "point of view."

 

I'm ashamed to say that when I was a young girl, I would have been the one in the neighbourhood telling other people the same things and suggesting the same things that your daughter's friend told her.

 

Many reasons behind it, not all of which I'm willing to post online....

 

Needless to say, someone did contact my Mom about it and my dear mother had a talk with me. I denied, and was awfully ashamed, but it did me good in the long run. I'm eternally grateful (now. I wasn't at first) for the person who told my Mom. It helped me to realize just how inappropriate what I said was; and it definitely helped shield the innocence of those whom I was around.

 

I'll be praying for the whole situation. :grouphug:

Edited October 16, 2010 by UpNorth
horrid spelling

[Farrar]

Obviously tell the girl's mother and take it seriously. But I wouldn't get too freaked out over her safety. I can remember kids saying things like that around that age. I think the vast majority of the time, it's just talk and testing out boundaries and trying to figure out what things they've heard about really mean. That doesn't make it okay in any way and a strong response is probably called for - but I feel like part of that response, if I was the parent, would just be show - as in to show the kids that these are some very serious words.

[angela in ohio]

Yes, tell the mother. It sounds like the girl didn't know what it meant, but knew she didn't want to ask an adult about it.

 

We personally know of two cases where a boy told a girl he would rape her (and in one case also grabbed at her) in school. I'm assuming it is coming from some media they are consuming, because it appears to be more common.

[Denisemomof4]

WHAT???!!! Nance and Jean: :eek: :svengo:

 

Yes, tell the mother.

[texasmama]

Yes, call her mother. Make sure you express concern for her daughter, rather than coming across as disapproving of the conversation. (You don't come across that way in your post--I say that merely as a reminder to tread gently in a delicate situation.)

 

:iagree:

[mytwomonkeys]

call her mom!! my nephew (only 8 years old & attends a christian private school) told another kid that if you say "bloody mary" in the mirror in a dark bathroom she would appear. the child was so upset that he had nightmares (of course!) & he also told his mom. she then talked to my sister & my sister about died!!! she found out that my nephew had heard this on the bus. had the other mom not confronted my sister though, she could have never disciplined my nephew and addressed the situation. apologized for it. corrected it. etc. disturbing situations aren't always as they appear. talk to her mom for sure.

[QuirkyKapers]

I agree with the others, talk to the mom. I would want to know if my daughter said that. It could be she really wants someone to know but isn't comfortable telling the other adults in her life.

[happi duck]

I agree with other posters that the other girl might not know what it means either...it sort of sounds like she was asking your dd what it means.

 

I remember being that age and never knowing what other kids were talking about but knowing enough NOT to ask adults about it.

 

FWIW, I would explain what was said as 'he was threatening to hurt her in a terrible way' and leave it at that. (My dd is very, very sensitive and more detail would bother her...a lot.)

[michelle l]

call her mom!! my nephew (only 8 years old & attends a christian private school) told another kid that if you say "bloody mary" in the mirror in a dark bathroom she would appear. the child was so upset that he had nightmares (of course!) & he also told his mom. she then talked to my sister & my sister about died!!! she found out that my nephew had heard this on the bus. had the other mom not confronted my sister though, she could have never disciplined my nephew and addressed the situation. apologized for it. corrected it. etc. disturbing situations aren't always as they appear. talk to her mom for sure.

 

Yeah...I heard this as a kid too, and it still scares me sometimes. Though I completely know better, I often avert my eyes if I'm in the bathroom at night. :blushing:

 

Regarding OP -- awful, just awful. :sad:

[NanceXToo]

OK well I just walked over there and knocked on the door. The dad answered the door. The mom and my daughter's friend weren't home. I talked to the Dad about it- (he's usually a little more outgoing than the mom anyway) and he was quite surprised to hear that but very appreciative that I let him know about it. I'm sure he'll talk about it with his wife, daughter and take whatever steps they need/decide to take from there. Hopefully there is no (or not much) fall out for the relationship between the girl and my daughter.

 

My daughter definitely DOES understand though that I had a responsibility to talk to her friend's parents about this and she's not upset with me that I did so or anything.

 

I told her if her friend says anything to her about it, she can just say: "I asked my mom about it because I wanted to know what it meant, and she said she had to talk to your parents about it to make sure you were okay" and that hopefully her friend would understand.

 

ETA: P.S. I remember hearing that Bloody Mary thing when I was a kid, too! Spooked me out! And my daughter asked me about that like last year, I guess that particular story will always go around!

[SOCKSINFOX]

I'm glad you said something. There is also a very real possibility that the boy who said it doesn't even know what it means, he may have just heard it somewhere also. I'm sure in the process of all of this his parents will end up being alerted so they can make sure he understands the absolute seriousness of such a threat, whether made knowingly or not.

[Susan in KY]

c my nephew (only 8 years old & attends a christian private school) told another kid that if you say "bloody mary" in the mirror in a dark bathroom she would appear. the child was so upset that he had nightmares (of course!)

 

Oh, man. I heard this when I was nine and couldn't sleep across from a mirror until I was an adult! Can't believe it's still haunting poor little kids!

[msjones]

My son used that word recently. I was shocked and asked him where he learned it and did he know what it meant. He thought it meant some kind of an attack, but had no clue about any more than that. I did tell him the actual meaning in order to explain why he shouldn't use that word casually.

 

I was surprised at where he said he learned the word -- from the ratings boxes on movie advertisements. Those little ratings boxes list things like, "adult situations, violence, profanity, rape" to explain their R ratings. He sometimes looks at the movie section in the paper. Great :glare:.

 

And I think you handled it very well. You're the kind of gal I'd like to have in my neighborhood.

[Harriet Vane]

OK well I just walked over there and knocked on the door. The dad answered the door. The mom and my daughter's friend weren't home. I talked to the Dad about it- (he's usually a little more outgoing than the mom anyway) and he was quite surprised to hear that but very appreciative that I let him know about it. I'm sure he'll talk about it with his wife, daughter and take whatever steps they need/decide to take from there. Hopefully there is no (or not much) fall out for the relationship between the girl and my daughter.

 

My daughter definitely DOES understand though that I had a responsibility to talk to her friend's parents about this and she's not upset with me that I did so or anything.

 

I told her if her friend says anything to her about it, she can just say: "I asked my mom about it because I wanted to know what it meant, and she said she had to talk to your parents about it to make sure you were okay" and that hopefully her friend would understand.

 

ETA: P.S. I remember hearing that Bloody Mary thing when I was a kid, too! Spooked me out! And my daughter asked me about that like last year, I guess that particular story will always go around!

 

Sounds like you handled it really well. I like the way you told your dd to handle it if it comes up--good script.

[happyWImom]

I will probably get it for posting this, (not diminishing the little girl's issue) but this is why I am: 1. Glad we live out in the middle of nowhere, and don't have neighbors. and, 2. Glad we aren't in p.s. (not that all ps kids know more, but typically, they are more "worldly"

 

Okay, don't blast me!:001_smile: I know I shelter my dc, but after my experiences with the Tooth Fairy thing still fresh.....

[RanchGirl]

So glad you talked to the dad and I also think what you told your dd to say was perfect. You handled it very well. I would definitely want to know if it was my daughter!

[Brenda in FL]

Yeah...I heard this as a kid too, and it still scares me sometimes. Though I completely know better, I often avert my eyes if I'm in the bathroom at night. :blushing:

 

Regarding OP -- awful, just awful. :sad:

 

The Bloody Mary story also happens to be in The Daring Book for Girls. I just recently found out from my 10 year old daughter.

[NanceXToo]

The Bloody Mary story also happens to be in The Daring Book for Girls. I just recently found out from my 10 year old daughter.

 

REALLY!? lol I had no idea. I just ordered that book off of Amazon last night for my daughter because after reading so many good recommendations for it here, I'd borrowed it from our library and she'd loved it, even though she only got through a small portion of everything that's in it!

 

No wonder that story won't die :P