How would you answer this?

[just Jenny]

Hi Hedgehog,

 

Didn't mean to scare you. I have no idea what this man means at all-could be innocuous.

 

I just wanted to include that bit about culture to say that it is realistic to remember cultural issues when one relates to people of other cultures.

 

Listen to your husband, and respect his wishes. We do not follow God by disrespecting our husbands in order to "love" strangers.

 

Don't mean to make this sound easy. I have pondered this a lot and also fallen down a lot in this matter. It can be a trap to try to please others.

 

 

Best,

 

Jenny

Edited August 27, 2010 by just Jenny

[Hedgehog]

I've just edited the original post. I hope it explains things better (but I'm rather anxious that it won't!) :sad:

 

I get the possibility of a cultural misunderstanding. Could you say, "I'm more comfortable communicating with your wife"? I would do that.

 

Yes - I could ask to communicate with the mom.

 

RE: the "wrong kind of Christian" thing. Yes, that is a BIG thing around here. Only evangelical christianity is "right", so Catholics, Lutherans and any other "undesirables" are quickly pushed to the edges.

 

It's really sad.

 

Well that counts me out then!!! We are unitarian/baptist Christians (for want of a better description)!

 

Didn't mean to scare you. I have no idea what this man means at all-could be innocuous.

 

No it's ok. It's probably quite innocuous, as you say.

 

I just wanted to include that bit about culture to say that it is realistic to remember cultural issues when one relates to people of other cultures.

 

Listen to your husband, and respect his wishes. This is what the Bible says is true Christian love. We do not follow God by disrespecting our husbands in order to "love" strangers.

 

:iagree:

[swimmermom3]

Wow.

She's never met this family, and is being approached on the internet to bring her children over to play, and people are critical of her not wanting to do that?

Wow.

 

I think that the approach is weird, really really weird. I can't imagine sending someone a note in this fashion. And if someone sent me a note like that, I would not really know what to do.

 

I don't think that you're really obligated to answer this note. You don't even know these people. But maybe you could say something like, "It's so nice of you to invite us, but we are really not able to spend any more time on playdates right now due to school starting. Perhaps we'll see you at <insert upcoming homeschooling field trip title>"

 

I hasten to add, I have met homeschoolers through several online communities, and really enjoyed doing so! But I never thought that they should come to my house or that I should go to theirs for our very first meeting. That just seems to violate a social boundary in a really strange way. Now, there are some people here who I would do that with--people with whom I feel a friendship because we have posted together and candidly for so long. But I'm still not so sure it's a good idea. And it doesn't sound as if these two list-members have gotten to know each other very well online.

 

I'm with Carol. This is a dad proposing that the op's daughter come to his house. That's awkward at best. If I really felt compelled to meet this person, it would be done in a public place with another friend or my dh along.

[just Jenny]

Hi Hedgehog,

 

I love that God promises in the Bible, to give wisdom generously to anyone who asks for it, without finding fault.

 

As a parent, I am asking for wisdom a lot.

 

Proverbs says "a wise man is cautious in friendship".

 

Go to the Bible. He teaches us. We are weak, but He is strong and faithful.

 

Best to you,

 

Jenny

Edited August 27, 2010 by just Jenny

[In2why]

I thought about my response last night quite a bit this morning. I don't think I am responding necessarily to the OP, but to the exclusionary tendencies of some people based on religion and also on race. So I am going to take a shot at this without directing it at the OP because I am sure that there is a lot left out in forum communication.

 

When I said that she should be truthful and just tell them that she is a strict Christian and doesn't want to be around people who are not. I meant it based on what she first wrote.

 

I am secular, not atheist and if someone doesn't want to be around our family or my children because of it, I would rather know it up front. I don't want to have to read between the lines and guess, and I don't want to waste my time being an experiment or someone meeting me out of obligation. I certainly don't want my children exposed. If I got a response based on being strict Christians then I would know it wasn't us, and rather them, and move on. Of course it would also make me glad that I wasn't that type of Christian. Again not at the OP. I live in the South and there are fundamentalist home school groups that are very exclusionary here and are not going out of their way to welcome anyone that does not follow their protocols. I prefer the upfront ones because then I can avoid them. But the ones that pretend to be open and in fact are not, are harder to handle.

 

The other thing is that I have 5 kids through birth, adoption, and fostering and they come in every shade. When I read it I didn't see other religions, I saw brown people. Because those religions are not similar, except that they are heavily populated with brown people. Again not the OP, except that her post brought it up. I am feeling a bit raw because I know we come across that here as well. When they meet me and my biracial son it can get uncomfortable.....until they find out he was adopted. Which I don't announce to the world because it is none of their business and if one more person thinks I am a "saint" or "special person" I might throw up in my mouth. Especially when they say it in front of the light of my life and the joy in my world, my son.

 

So again I *strongly feel that if your beliefs and your religion (not directed at the OP, but anyone who does feel this way) do not make it comfortable to be around someone else based on their religion, or lack or it, or their color, or lack of it. Own it. Embrace it. Admit it and don't make excuses or try to be polite. It really is the kind thing to do. Don't make someone guess, or try to be the bigger person which screams condescension.

[Jenn in Mo]

I am secular, not atheist and if someone doesn't want to be around our family or my children because of it, I would rather know it up front. I don't want to have to read between the lines and guess, and I don't want to waste my time being an experiment or someone meeting me out of obligation.

 

I really appreciate this. When I said 'please don't say that', I guess what I really meant was 'please don't think that' and also, 'please don't make other people think all Christians think like that.' But you're right - I'd much rather know up front what someone is thinking.

 

The other thing is that I have 5 kids through birth, adoption, and fostering and they come in every shade. When I read it I didn't see other religions, I saw brown people. Because those religions are not similar, except that they are heavily populated with brown people.

 

I'm glad you clarified this. This wouldn't have occurred to me. In my area, you would be hard pressed to find someone who could tell you the difference between the two religions....the names of the religions would be recognized as some of those 'exotic eastern religions' not because of an association with race but because of a lack of familiarity.

[Hedgehog]

I thought about my response last night quite a bit this morning. I don't think I am responding necessarily to the OP, but to the exclusionary tendencies of some people based on religion and also on race. So I am going to take a shot at this without directing it at the OP because I am sure that there is a lot left out in forum communication.

 

When I said that she should be truthful and just tell them that she is a strict Christian and doesn't want to be around people who are not. I meant it based on what she first wrote.

 

I am secular, not atheist and if someone doesn't want to be around our family or my children because of it, I would rather know it up front. I don't want to have to read between the lines and guess, and I don't want to waste my time being an experiment or someone meeting me out of obligation. I certainly don't want my children exposed. If I got a response based on being strict Christians then I would know it wasn't us, and rather them, and move on. Of course it would also make me glad that I wasn't that type of Christian. Again not at the OP. I live in the South and there are fundamentalist home school groups that are very exclusionary here and are not going out of their way to welcome anyone that does not follow their protocols. I prefer the upfront ones because then I can avoid them. But the ones that pretend to be open and in fact are not, are harder to handle.

 

The other thing is that I have 5 kids through birth, adoption, and fostering and they come in every shade. When I read it I didn't see other religions, I saw brown people. Because those religions are not similar, except that they are heavily populated with brown people. Again not the OP, except that her post brought it up. I am feeling a bit raw because I know we come across that here as well. When they meet me and my biracial son it can get uncomfortable.....until they find out he was adopted. Which I don't announce to the world because it is none of their business and if one more person thinks I am a "saint" or "special person" I might throw up in my mouth. Especially when they say it in front of the light of my life and the joy in my world, my son.

 

So again I *strongly feel that if your beliefs and your religion (not directed at the OP, but anyone who does feel this way) do not make it comfortable to be around someone else based on their religion, or lack or it, or their color, or lack of it. Own it. Embrace it. Admit it and don't make excuses or try to be polite. It really is the kind thing to do. Don't make someone guess, or try to be the bigger person which screams condescension.

 

This is real interesting subject. Can I suggest that you create a new thread for it? Otherwise it might well get missed at the end of mine. :001_smile:

[KidsHappen]

I don't think not wanting to get together with someone you haven't met is rude, but I think not even responding is very rude. Unless the contact list explicitly said that only existing friends were allowed to contact you, how would they know that? :confused:

 

Jackie

 

I think this is one of those introvert/extrovert POV differences. To me it seems self evident you would not contact a stranger in this manner, that it would be weird to do so and that it would not require a repsonse. Obviously, I am in the minority but I honestly did not realize this until this point.

 

I still find the idea that you must respond to everyone who wishes to interact with you very intrusive and a very difficult issue for women especially. I think that sometimes women ignore the little voice inside their head that says, "Don't talk to this person!", to their detriment. I believe that they are set up for this probem by a society that teaches them to override their own internal voice in order to be polite. I guess I would rather be thought rude than dead and I try to teach my girls the same thing.

[Corraleno]

I still find the idea that you must respond to everyone who wishes to interact with you very intrusive and a very difficult issue for women especially. I think that sometimes women ignore the little voice inside their head that says, "Don't talk to this person!", to their detriment. I believe that they are set up for this probem by a society that teaches them to override their own internal voice in order to be polite. I guess I would rather be thought rude than dead and I try to teach my girls the same thing.

 

Regarding rudeness, responding to an invitation doesn't mean you have to accept it. You can politely decline. Ignoring it as if the other person either doesn't exist, or is not worth even 1 minute of your time to write a sentence and hit "send," is what is rude. I'm also very much an introvert — I turn down lots of invitations to parties. But at least I take a minute to reply.

 

As for the idea of "better rude than dead".... the idea that there are rapists and serial killers waiting around every corner, and that merely replying to an email — or even accepting an invitation to get to know someone — would put my life at risk, is really foreign to me. And, as I said, I'm very much an introvert and not a "people person" at all. But by the same token, I'm not afraid of people either. I'm kind of shocked, actually, at how many women here seem to consider any man they don't know as a potential attacker. :confused:

 

Jackie

[KidsHappen]

Ignoring it as if the other person either doesn't exist, or is not worth even 1 minute of your time to write a sentence and hit "send," is what is rude.

 

So I should take a minute to reply to every request I receive - does this include salesmen, charities, scam artists, con men, a come on, all of whom intrude on me without respect to my time? How do I decide who makes the cut? If I don't go by the alarm in my head that says this doesn't seem right, then what measure should I use? I am sorry but if poilte society requires that I respond to every request even unsolicited ones well then I am just going to have to be content to be considered rude.

 

But by the same token, I'm not afraid of people either. I'm kind of shocked, actually, at how many women here seem to consider any man they don't know as a potential attacker. :confused:

 

Jackie

 

I posted before I knew the writer was male. The email seemed odd to me on its own although even more so after I found out it was sent by male. So the fact that the writer was a male wasn't the single weird factor to me. I will admit that I appear to be a weird magnet so I guess I am exposed to more weirdness than the average person. If there is a loon in a crowd, I guarantee they will find their way to me and start talking about their last trip to Mars and how they are taking up everyone's space (both true examples from my past). I have a hard enough time dealing with my own mental illness, I barely have the energy to deal with normal people that I have to deal with much less the ones that strike me as odd. I can see that you feel differently but I wouldn't dream of telling you that you are wrong or rude. This is the way I feel. It is what it is.

Edited August 27, 2010 by KidsHappen

[Cindyg]

As for the idea of "better rude than dead".... the idea that there are rapists and serial killers waiting around every corner, and that merely replying to an email — or even accepting an invitation to get to know someone — would put my life at risk, is really foreign to me....I'm kind of shocked, actually, at how many women here seem to consider any man they don't know as a potential attacker. :confused:Jackie

 

Same here. Exactly. This does not fit in with my life experience at all. I realize someone else's life experiences may be different. But I wonder if the paranoia comes from real life experiences or constant over-dramatization in the media. Or what?

 

I just can't see any significant danger in responding to a private e-mail from someone in my homeschool group -- man or woman.

[RanchGirl]

I find it rather strange that so many are bending over backward to give this fellow the benefit of the doubt but can't seem to give any similar grace whatsoever to hedgehog. We're coming up with an explanation for everything -- oh it's just weird due to culture/language barriers, oh his poor daughter probably has no friends. Surely he is just an innocent homeschooling dad, innocently looking for friends for his daughter, who I'm sure is lovely and would be a great lifelong friend that hedgehog is missing out on. HUH? We don't know any of that. We do know that his email did not entice hedgehog to want to hang out at his house, which certainly is within her rights as an adult. In fact, the email sent up all kinds of red flags to me (and a couple others too), and I think it's only smart to listen when that hair stands up on the back of your neck. It's not racist or elitist or anti-Muslim or anti-Hindu to not want to hang out with just any old yahoo who emails you out of the blue.

 

Folks, have we gone a little off the deep end here? Political correctness gone amok?

 

She asked how to word the email response saying no to this guy. I can't see where the rest of this stuff is coming from unless the very words "conservative Christian" are just so incredibly offensive to some of us that we have to try to read a negative motive into her desire not to spend time with this man.

[Osmosis Mom]

I am on a local list where the originator asked everyone to list their child's name, birthyear and interests -just for the sake of people thus finding friends for their kids. An email such as Hedgehog's owuld not have been weird. The thing that the sender invited them over to their house is also very normal if seen from their cultural point of view where that is what you do in order to be polite. It would simply seem rude to not invite people over, fyi.

[Mejane]

Hedgehog, your reasons are your own. A simple "thanks, but we have a full plate right now" will do imo.

[Hedgehog]

I am on a local list where the originator asked everyone to list their child's name, birthyear and interests -just for the sake of people thus finding friends for their kids. An email such as Hedgehog's owuld not have been weird. The thing that the sender invited them over to their house is also very normal if seen from their cultural point of view where that is what you do in order to be polite. It would simply seem rude to not invite people over, fyi.

 

I guess it depends what the intention is when such a list is produced. I don't know whether it's the done thing in this family's culture to invite strangers to your house, or not.

 

RanchGirl and Mejane.. thanks. :001_smile:

[Dobela]

I guess it depends what the intention is when such a list is produced. I don't know whether it's the done thing in this family's culture to invite strangers to your house, or not.

 

RanchGirl and Mejane.. thanks. :001_smile:

You know, it may be a cultural thing. I live in the southern US and I have often invited someone to our house for an initial play date. I also know at least 3 dads in our groups that are very involved in the livesof their kids and the homeschooling because they have careers that allow it. I know of one that is the more outgoing and vocal person in the family - and he is the one who initially reached out to our family. Now our boys are great friends.

 

Honestly, it sounds as though you know as much about this family as you might when you meet someone new at church the first time. Either way it is a risk.

[Ali in OR]

 

I know that the family go to two homeschooling groups in their city, which is 45mins-1hrs drive away from us.

 

Honestly, if they did not live in the same city, I would not want to try to establish any kind of relationship. Our lives are busy enough and it is hard to fit everything into a day. This would just be another complicating factor. And I would be uncomfortable dealing with the father instead of the mother for a family that we have no prior connection with. It would be natural for the dads to meet, or the moms, but I would feel very awkward with a split gender, out-of-town, cross-cultural, taking-time-out-of-our-day play date. But then we're not big into playdates anyway. My dds play with each other and like it that way.

 

I would just reply that it doesn't work for us at this time.

[Corraleno]

So I should take a minute to reply to every request I receive - does this include salesmen, charities, scam artists, con men, a come on, all of whom intrude on me without respect to my time? How do I decide who makes the cut? If I don't go by the alarm in my head that says this doesn't seem right, then what measure should I use? I am sorry but if poilte society requires that I respond to every request even unsolicited ones well then I am just going to have to be content to be considered rude.

There's an obvious difference between not replying to spam, and refusing to reply to an invitation to a playdate sent by a fellow homeschooler who got your contact information from a list you willingly participated in. I was replying to a previous post where you said:

The email would freak me out as well and I wouldn't even reply to it.....

It also amazes me that so many extroverts would find it rude of an introvert for not wanting to respond to something like this. No wonder people have always thought I was rude. I guess I am and didn't even know it. :001_huh:

I was simpy trying to explain to you why refusing to reply to an invitation like that would be considered rude, since you indicated that people do sometimes consider you rude when you apparently didn't mean to be. No one ever suggested that deleting spam was rude.

 

I wouldn't dream of telling you that you are wrong or rude.

Um, you're the one who said other people often considered you rude. I guess I assumed that that bothered you; if it doesn't, then I'm sorry I offended you with my explanation.

 

Jackie

[NanceXToo]

There's an obvious difference between not replying to spam, and refusing to reply to an invitation to a playdate sent by a fellow homeschooler who got your contact information from a list you willingly participated in.

 

:iagree:

[Corraleno]

I find it rather strange that so many are bending over backward to give this fellow the benefit of the doubt...

Maybe it's because 99.99% of homeschooling dads are probably NOT pedophiles or serial killers?

 

Folks, have we gone a little off the deep end here? Political correctness gone amok?

Actually I think we've gone off the "deep end" of fear and paranoia, when every male who is not personally known to us is seen as a threat. Men are human beings, not just peckers-on-a-stick looking for targets.

 

Jackie

[Pretty in Pink]

Hedgehog,

 

If you don't want to meet these people, which seems clear from your OP, then just don't. You asked how to word your response so as not to offend. Easy.

 

Dear. Mr So-and-So,

 

Thank you so much for your kind invitation, but unfortunately we are going to have to decline. Best wishes to you and your family.

 

Warmest Regards,

 

Your Name

 

You obviously do not have to explain yourself here. It doesn't really matter one bit what any of us thinks about your decision or your reasoning. Just say 'No, thank you,' and be done with it. Good luck. :001_smile:

[Hedgehog]

Hedgehog,

 

If you don't want to meet these people, which seems clear from your OP, then just don't. You asked how to word your response so as not to offend. Easy.

 

Dear. Mr So-and-So,

 

Thank you so much for your kind invitation, but unfortunately we are going to have to decline. Best wishes to you and your family.

 

Warmest Regards,

 

Your Name

 

You obviously do not have to explain yourself here. It doesn't really matter one bit what any of us thinks about your decision or your reasoning. Just say 'No, thank you,' and be done with it. Good luck. :001_smile:

 

Thanks :001_smile: I've been thinking that the simple approach was probably best.

[RanchGirl]

Maybe it's because 99.99% of homeschooling dads are probably NOT pedophiles or serial killers?

Jackie

 

I agree, 99.9% of homeschooling dads are probably awesome (though I wouldn't necessarily agree that 99.9% of random emailers have innocent motives). Regardless, OP didn't accuse her emailer of being a pedophile, just said she didn't want to go to his house. I find that perfectly acceptable and do not feel her motives need to be questioned anymore than his do.

Edited August 27, 2010 by RanchGirl

[Catwoman]

I agree, 99.9% of homeschooling dads are probably awesome (though I wouldn't necessarily agree that 99.9% of random emailers have innocent motives). Regardless, OP didn't accuse her emailer of being a pedophile, just said she didn't want to go to his house. I find that perfectly acceptable and do not feel her motives need to be questioned anymore than his do.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I also don't think that 99.9% of homeschooling dads would email women they've never met, who live an hour away in a different city, and invite them to their homes, with or without their kids.

 

 

Hedgehog has never, ever met this family, and it doesn't sound as though her other acquaintances from the homeschool group know them very well, either.

 

 

I guess I just don't understand why she should be made to feel guilty if she doesn't agree to meet with this man and his daughters. She doesn't want to do that, and IMHO, that's all that matters.

 

Cat

[KidsHappen]

There's an obvious difference between not replying to spam, and refusing to reply to an invitation to a playdate sent by a fellow homeschooler who got your contact information from a list you willingly participated in. I was replying to a previous post where you said:

 

I was simpy trying to explain to you why refusing to reply to an invitation like that would be considered rude, since you indicated that people do sometimes consider you rude when you apparently didn't mean to be. No one ever suggested that deleting spam was rude.

 

 

Um, you're the one who said other people often considered you rude. I guess I assumed that that bothered you; if it doesn't, then I'm sorry I offended you with my explanation.

 

Jackie

 

I am not offended (somewhat frustrated, yes), it doesn't bother me and I think I have repeatedly stated that I don't care if people think I am rude. My initial post was meant to support the OP and let her know that she was not alone in her feelings.

 

My continuing dialog with you was a rabbit hole I shouldn't have followed. I wasn't looking for an explanation. I was trying to give one. I was simply trying to explain to you that people may have good reasons for doing things that you (and apparently others) consider rude. However, it seems that no reason is good enough to excuse a person from acting in a way that you (again a general you) consider rude. This is why I generally make a habit of giving an answer not an explanation.

[Catwoman]

There's something else that some of us may be forgetting when they suggest that Hedgehog should meet with the other family...

 

Let's be honest.

 

How many of us are really going to pack up the kids and drive an hour from home to meet a family we've never met, for a playdate that will probably only last for an hour or two?

 

I know I wouldn't. It would be far too inconvenient, and we'd end up spending more time in the car than at the playdate. It's not like the kids are already great friends or anything, so I can't see any benefit to the whole thing.

 

If this man really wants his dds to have friends, maybe he ought to consider other people's locations before inviting them to his home. It was pretty clear from his email that he knew what town Hedgehog lived in. Maybe an hour drive doesn't mean anything to him, but common courtesy would have been to suggest a central meeting location, or someplace very close to Hedgehog's home.

 

Cat

[Jenn in Mo]

Absolutely. Now knowing all the facts, I wouldn't feel comfortable meeting a dad for a playdate. But even if it were the mom, I wouldn't want to drive 45 minutes to meet a stranger. I missed the distance part in the OP. But that aside, a good point has been made - she doesn't wanna. Good reasons or not, she doesn't want to meet them and that's fine.

 

I think the fact that reasons were given in the first post is what made it feel open for discussion. The reasons felt thin given what was originally written. After more was written they didn't seem so thin. But still - thin or not, no one should feel pressured to meet someone they don't want to and I'm sorry Hedgehog for contributing to that part of the conversation. It was out of line.

[Hedgehog]

There's something else that some of us may be forgetting when they suggest that Hedgehog should meet with the other family...

 

Let's be honest.

 

How many of us are really going to pack up the kids and drive an hour from home to meet a family we've never met, for a playdate that will probably only last for an hour or two?

 

I know I wouldn't. It would be far too inconvenient, and we'd end up spending more time in the car than at the playdate. It's not like the kids are already great friends or anything, so I can't see any benefit to the whole thing.

 

If this man really wants his dds to have friends, maybe he ought to consider other people's locations before inviting them to his home. It was pretty clear from his email that he knew what town Hedgehog lived in. Maybe an hour drive doesn't mean anything to him, but common courtesy would have been to suggest a central meeting location, or someplace very close to Hedgehog's home.

 

That's very true. An hour's journey each way and an hour's playdate do take out a chunk of a day.

 

But still - thin or not, no one should feel pressured to meet someone they don't want to and I'm sorry Hedgehog for contributing to that part of the conversation. It was out of line.

 

It's no problem Jenn. Probably my fault for not explaining the situation properly in the first place.

[NanceXToo]

Let's be honest.

 

How many of us are really going to pack up the kids and drive an hour from home to meet a family we've never met, for a playdate that will probably only last for an hour or two?

 

Yes, well, I sort of got the feeling/assumed from the initial post that they lived much closer to each other, when I suggested they meet at a local park.

 

At this point the easiest thing to say is just something like:

 

Thank you so much for your email. While I appreciate the invitation, and can certainly understand how difficult it can be sometimes for homeschoolers to find playmates of their age and gender, the truth is we are about an hour away from each other, my family has a very hectic schedule, and on top of everything else, we may be moving soon.

 

I'm sorry I won't be able to take you up on your offer at this time. But I wish you luck finding other girls for yours to play with, I know that can be hard sometimes!

 

Best,

so and so.

[In2why]

There's something else that some of us may be forgetting when they suggest that Hedgehog should meet with the other family...

 

Let's be honest.

 

How many of us are really going to pack up the kids and drive an hour from home to meet a family we've never met, for a playdate that will probably only last for an hour or two?

 

I know I wouldn't. It would be far too inconvenient, and we'd end up spending more time in the car than at the playdate. It's not like the kids are already great friends or anything, so I can't see any benefit to the whole thing.

 

If this man really wants his dds to have friends, maybe he ought to consider other people's locations before inviting them to his home. It was pretty clear from his email that he knew what town Hedgehog lived in. Maybe an hour drive doesn't mean anything to him, but common courtesy would have been to suggest a central meeting location, or someplace very close to Hedgehog's home.

 

Cat

 

When most people responded they didn't have this info. The first post didn't say anything about it being a man, or how far away they lived. It didn't say anything about her being an introvert.

 

It said "A bit of background information.. we are fairly strict Christians, and I know from someone else who knows the family that they are either Muslim or Hindu. I don't have a problem with other people believing different to me, but I might not choose to spend a lot of time with them. As a personal choice, we are also not keen for our kids to spend much time on the computer or watch movies.

 

Here in the UK, I believe that most people wouldn't find it acceptable to just go round to someone's house that they'd never met. Normally, you meet other homeschooling families at activity days or clubs, and friendship might or might not progress from there. I'd need to know the parents pretty well first before I visited the family at home.

So please help me formulate some kind of reply that gently but firmly says no thanks. I am so stumped."

 

Based on what was written I think most readers thought her objection was based on the fact they the family is a different religion. Many people told her that she should meet them anyway because they might be decent people but to meet at a public place. I don't agree because I don't think either party will benefit, and I think everyone has the right to decide where and how to spend their time.

 

But honesty doesn't have much to do with it.....it was/is confusing. Yet at this point probably a dead horse too.

[Corraleno]

I guess I just don't understand why she should be made to feel guilty if she doesn't agree to meet with this man and his daughters. She doesn't want to do that, and IMHO, that's all that matters.

 

Cat

I don't think anyone is trying to make her feel guilty for not agreeing to meet the other family. IMO, if the OP had said "I received an email from a homeschooling family in another city, 45 minutes away, asking to set up a playdate, and I don't really want to pursue it. What should I say in reply?" this thread would have had about 5 responses, all of which would have suggested that she say something like "Thanks for thinking of us, but I'm afraid that's a bit too far for us to travel." End of discussion.

 

But the actual reasons she gave for not wanting to meet them were: the family aren't white/Christian, they sent an email to someone they didn't know, they invited her to their home, and the dad sent the email. The OP made a lot of assumptions there: that a normal person would not send an email like that; that a normal person would not invite a stranger to their home; that a normal dad would not be the one to initiate contact. Just because those are things that the OP's family wouldn't do, doesn't mean that only scary/creepy/abnormal people do them! Several posters mentioned that they themselves had sent emails like that; others pointed out that inviting someone to your home is a common thing in the UK, and that there could be any number of perfectly reasonable explanations as to why the dad might be the one emailing (maybe they don't have internet access at home and he was emailing from work!).

 

Whether the OP does or doesn't meet with this family is of no consequence to anyone but her. Yet the automatic response to differences — whether racial or religious or cultural — with fear and avoidance effects every one of us, every day. IMO, if people gave other folks the benefit of the doubt a little more often, then the world would be a much more tolerant and interesting place.

 

Jackie

[Hedgehog]

IMO, if people gave other folks the benefit of the doubt a little more often, then the world would be a much more tolerant and interesting place.

 

Indeed. So what is your reason for not giving me the benefit of the doubt?

 

I'd also like to say that I feel you have slightly twisted even my original words, and that was before I came back to the original post and edited it in a calmer frame of mind.

 

The argument doesn't seem to me to be productive, in any case. You either understand, or you don't. I'm not offended that you disagree with me, but ultimately everyone's lives are considerably more complex than any of us could ever explain on a forum and I could not possibly go through my entire thought process which lead me to feel that I was not able to accept the invitation I was sent. I was simply asking for some help in formulating a polite refusal. I'm sorry if you misunderstood this.

[cin]

The email came from the DAD? :eek:

 

Ok, now that's kind of creepy.

 

I was under the assumption that the mom had sent the email.

 

I think it's very odd that a father would send that kind of note, and although I said before that I wouldn't have gone to the woman's house for a first meeting, I have to admit that now I definitely wouldn't have gone... as far as I'm concerned, if the father signed the email, he was the one inviting you, not the mother.

 

Yikes. :ack2:

 

The part about the email being from the father changes everything for me.

 

Cat

 

Um yeah. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to the house if the MOM invited me, but with the DAD doing the inviting, ain't no way!

 

Also, you said that they were on a yahoo group for homeschoolers in your area. How are the people verified? Remember, a person can be ANYBODY on the computer....Even on here, there's been trolls :tongue_smilie: If I felt the need to respond, and felt fairly certain they were who they said they were, then I might agree to a park meeting, but I'd prefer someplace where people would be during the day. (Once school's started, the parks around here are EMPTY during the day. Maybe Mcdonald's with a play area, a mall, or something along those lines.

 

My 2 cents worth...brought to you by a Forensics Freak, so yeah, it may be biased :D

[MistyJ]

I have not read all the posts but thought I should share.

 

Over a couple of years ago, a little post on a local hs email bulletin came across. A family had just moved in not too far away from me. They hs. Would anyone like to connect?

 

We are devout Catholics. They are from a Christian background but do not go to church. I invited them over. I believe hospitality is a Christian virtue.

 

The playdate lasted 7 hours! The mom and I chatted the whole time. I was exhausted when they left, but really enjoyed the mom.

 

Today she is my closest friend, and her dd is my dd's best friend. It was a point in my life when I was drawing closer to God and dropping negative friendships. God writes straight with crooked lines. My life is so much richer for reaching out.

[Laura Corin]

I would reply with thanks and, unless you already know the family IRL, suggest meeting somewhere public.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura