I turn 43 in 56 minutes. This is not "where" I wanted to be at 42

[Joanne]

None of the b-day "milestones* have bothered me. Not 25, 30, 35 or 40. I didn't like what was going on in my life at 40; but 40 itself didn't bother me.

 

Tonight, I spent over an hour online applying for state health and other benefits. I felt like such a loser.

 

I emailed my dd's Rheumatologist. I felt like such a loser.

 

I am thinking of asking for scholarship help for my kids to attend the camp I registered them for and they've gone to since we've lived here. I feel like such a loser.

 

One of the questions involved "did a person living in the household recently experience a decline in income, and if so, by how much?" The answer to that question was huge;few middle income budgets could absorb that kind of hit. But I'm sitting here thinking about an online friend who was working towards not relying on child support. I didn't understand that. Now I do.

 

The worst part is how vulnerable and trapped I feel with my kids and health coverage. My dd is having a flair and is in pain.

 

I also realized that I have less years coming than I've had already. Truly moving past middle age. As miserable as I feel currently, I don't have enough years coming to make up for those I lost in depression, abuse, and the quagmire of dysfunction.

 

I may edit this self absorbed whine later.

[DKinTX]

You are not a loser. I'm sorry things are hard...hang in there...

[Mama Lynx]

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I know it feels like crap. But you are so not a loser. You are incredibly strong, responsible, and honest. Things *will* get better!

[Hikin' Mama]

I can't believe I'm trying to encourage you, because I always admired your wisdom and advice to other posters on the old board, but here goes...

(My words are in blue, because I don't know how to correctly quote).

 

Tonight, I spent over an hour online applying for state health and other benefits. I felt like such a loser.

 

I emailed my dd's Rheumatologist. I felt like such a loser.

 

I am thinking of asking for scholarship help for my kids to attend the camp I registered them for and they've gone to since we've lived here. I feel like such a loser.

 

Sounds like you're doing what you need to do to provide for your kids. I don't call that being a loser.

 

I also realized that I have less years coming than I've had already. Truly moving past middle age. As miserable as I feel currently, I don't have enough years coming to make up for those I lost in depression, abuse, and the quagmire of dysfunction.

 

But, Joanne, you have conquered those years of depression, abuse, and dysfunction. That is clear in all your posts. I don't call that being a loser either.

 

I'm truly sorry for how you feel right now, but you need to know that the things that life has dealt you do not make you a loser, but how you handle them makes you a winner! I have not had to go through the things you listed above (yet :001_smile:), but if I do I hope I can find someone like you in real life who can say, "Yep, BTDT, and here's what you need to do to get through it." I've always appreciated your parenting advice, and I'm sure you've been an encouragement and source of wisdom to other women here who have had to deal with divorce.

 

So hugs to you. I am going to pray for a great birthday for you, and for peace in the midst of trials.

 

Kim

[Sophia]

You are not a loser.

You have a ton of a wisdom and have been a source of encouragement to many on this board and I'm sure to many more irl.

 

Wishing you a blessed birthday!

[Carol in Cal.]

Rain down love on this thy child.

 

----------------------------------

 

Joanne,

Of course you are not a loser. You are strong, courageous, and resourceful. You have chosen to be a good parent. You have chosen to create your own life. You have chosen to move forward in difficult circumstances, over and over and over again.

 

I am truly sorry that those difficult circumstances have piled on you so much lately. It is trite but true--it is always darkest before dawn.

 

Please give yourself the love and space that you would give someone else in your shoes. Would you call them a loser? Of course not. Would you beat them up for applying for a camp scholarship? Of course not. Would you suggest that they not apply for other assistance that they need and for which they qualify? I really do not think so. Joanne, treat yourself with the grace that you have extended to so many others.

 

With great respect, Carol in Cal.

 

PS I just finished reading "Amos Fortune, Free Man" to my DH and DD. I had read it years ago, and different things struck me about it then than this time through. This time I noticed just how old he was when he finally set off to seek his fortune. He was 60! He started from scratch, with nothing but the knowlege of a trade, in colonial America, as a freed black man, at 60! And he was vigorous, successful, Godly, and effective for decades after that. This novel is based on a documented true story, and it has really energized me. (I am older than you.) (Nope, not telling how much.) We can begin again. and again and again and again, if necessary.

[asher]

Joanne,

 

First off, Happy Birthday. (((hugs))) I can only say that I was pleasantly surprised to see you here after highly respecting and admiring you from another board. You have been a source of inspiration in breaking a mold.

 

YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. I think it's admirable that you are willing to do what you need to do to give your family everything possible. That is not losing, that is providing, that is loving, that is very much being efficient and capable. So incredibly far from being a loser.

 

You are awesome!

[Karen sn]

None of the b-day "milestones* have bothered me. Not 25, 30, 35 or 40. I didn't like what was going on in my life at 40; but 40 itself didn't bother me.

 

Tonight, I spent over an hour online applying for state health and other benefits. I felt like such a loser.

 

I emailed my dd's Rheumatologist. I felt like such a loser.

 

I am thinking of asking for scholarship help for my kids to attend the camp I registered them for and they've gone to since we've lived here. I feel like such a loser.

 

One of the questions involved "did a person living in the household recently experience a decline in income, and if so, by how much?" The answer to that question was huge;few middle income budgets could absorb that kind of hit. But I'm sitting here thinking about an online friend who was working towards not relying on child support. I didn't understand that. Now I do.

 

The worst part is how vulnerable and trapped I feel with my kids and health coverage. My dd is having a flair and is in pain.

 

I also realized that I have less years coming than I've had already. Truly moving past middle age. As miserable as I feel currently, I don't have enough years coming to make up for those I lost in depression, abuse, and the quagmire of dysfunction.

 

I may edit this self absorbed whine later.

\

 

ummm.....42 doubled is only 84. You might actually be somewhere IN the middle of your life and not past it.

Also - you lost a lot of years to dysfunction and so you have many years of experience and wisdom now - which will change the course of your future drastically as you will not repeat your mistakes.

 

The next 42 (or more) years are going to rock! Think of what you will be able to teach your grandchildren!

[Danestress]

You can not possibly be moving "past" middle age if I am two years younger and haven't entered it yet! Unless "middle" is a very very short period.

 

I don't think you are fully IN middle age yet, let alone passed through it. Happy Birthday. Count your blessings. You are certainly a blessing to *us* and in no way shape or form a "loser." Dana

[Lizzie in Ma]

Hang in there.:grouphug:

[angela in ohio]

You can't count the years lost. I had to learn that. They in some way created who you are now, you learned something from them. You can't count them as wasted. :001_smile:

[Sue G in PA]

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. You are NOT a loser. I'm not turning 43, but I do know where you are right now. I've often thought of the years I lost being depressed and sick and just really down. But, you know what? Today is a new day! You can start living today and from here on out make the most of each day. I'm making a note to take my own advice b/c today is especially difficult for me, too. But, we must go on! Hang in there. You're an awesome mom and doing the best you can.

[PrairieAir]

Joanne, you are NOT a loser! You are a survivor! Rather than thinking about what you have not achieved, think about what you have overcome and how many people get beaten down by those kinds of things.

 

You and I may not have always agreed, but when I think of you, these are the songs that come to mind. I hope they inspire you and give you strength to keep being exactly who you are--a survivor, a conqueror, a woman extaordinaire.

 

 

Mountains

I'm Gonna Take That Mountain

 

Oh, and have a very happy birthday!

[Harriet Vane]

Thank you for being the kind of mother who does what it takes.

I am sorry it feels so crummy right now.

 

:grouphug:

[G5052]

I won't go into the details, but I've had a horrific last 6+ months. Frankly the hardest ever in terms of emotional and financial crises, and that's saying a lot considering that the years before we're that easy either.

 

But circumstances are not who I am. I think that was my lesson for the last six months. Life is not about the cards you've been dealt -- it's how you play them. I can't change a lot of things, but I can control what I do and how I feel.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Beth in OH]

Hi Joanne--

 

A couple of slogans come to mind when I read your post: Progress not perfection, and Easy does it.

 

Go ahead and feel sad about your disappointments, then let them go. I can tell from your posts that you are generally in a good place in your life--remember where you've come from. There has been lots of progress. Your troubles with your X are just one of life's setbacks. Be angry, be sad, be disappointed. Then don't let him and his "stuff" drag you back into bondage. Be gentle with yourself--your reactions are normal and to be expected.

 

I'm guessing that your life at 42 is better than it was at 35, even if it's not yet what you want it to be.

 

Just keep swimming!

 

Beth

[Jenny in Atl]

:grouphug:

Your not alone... I sure many of us have had the same feelings you are having today. I share many of the feelings you are having. :grouphug: Tomorrow or even this afternoon will be a better. Each day is chance, each hour, each minute, each second.

[elegantlion]

Joanne, first of all you are not a loser.

 

I turn 41 next month and I'm not where I thought I'd be at that age. Like you said 30, even 40 didn't bother me as much as I'm dreading this one.

 

You are doing what you need to do to provide for your dc. You're a good mom.

 

May your children rise and call you blessed. :grouphug:

[Lady Katherine]

I can empathize with some of what you're going through.

 

We had to apply for financial aid, too, for a camp our kids have attended for the last seven years. If we don't get it, 12yodd will not get to go for the first time since second grade. 13yods had to have financial aid to attend diabetes camp this year (and we consider that a medical necessity for him, not a luxury). And twice this year I have had to ask for insulin samples from the hospital because things were so tight we couldn't buy our son's meds and still keep the electricty on.

 

I'm one year behind you, but I'm feeling a lot of the same things. Hang in there!

 

:grouphug:

[Aubrey]

Psalm 51 is one of my favorite scriptures because it describes a kind of faith that is beyond my comprehension but within the scope of what I aim for.

 

"Purge me...and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me hear joy & gladness, & these bones that You have broken will rejoice." Ps 51:7-8.

 

I see this as an act of obedience, faith, what have you. In David's case, he has committed adultery, murder, & ultimately caused the death of his infant son. For him to turn to the Lord & say, "If YOU cleanse me, I WILL be clean" is faith, imo, because we *want* to feel guilty perpetually. As hard as it is to learn to forgive others, we tend to accept our own guilt & hang on to it.

 

I think of the Jews at Auschwitz. I've heard that they danced. On commanded feast days, naked, abused, carrying the heavy bricks and stones of their opressors, they danced, because they were commanded to dance, to rejoice.

 

When things are hard in my life, I try to imagine Auschwitz. I try to force myself to rejoice, as an act of obedience, even sacrifice, to honor what the Lord *has* done for me.

 

I know you have regrets. Your situation is very similar to my mother's & to her mother's. But both of them have lost the 2nd half of their lives to regret. All they talk about is what they did wrong & how they were treated, & they project these things onto others, lamenting when I tell them I'm pregnant again (for ex), even though they know my situation is different from theirs. They *still* live in fear of what they could lose, what could happen next, even though they're self-sufficient now, & all their dc are grown. (Not that I blame them, just that I wish better for them.)

 

If you can conciously turn from what went before (I like the economic term "sunk cost"), forgetting about who's to blame for what (incl. YOU), I believe that you can have a rich & fulfilling 2nd half. But it takes a lot of faith. Applying for that gov't help? *That* is faith. Really.

 

:grouphug:

[Kay in Cal]

I, personally, am VERY impressed with all you have survived and achieved over the past few years. While things are difficult right now (aren't they always?:tongue_smilie:), you have made marvellously brave choices for yourself and your children. Nothing but admiration and "Happy Birthday!"s from here!