milovany Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 This drives me batty! I know it's something in me I need to work on, but 4-5 times just today something was out of place or spilled or used without permission (or without realizing it wasn't something they were supposed to use) or not put away -- and NO ONE did it. This makes me want to scream and I get so grumpy about it. How can NO ONE remember doing these things? I really don't think I have a family of liars, so what am I missing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 I don't care if they confess. I usually just holler from the kitchen, "Whoever made a chocolate syrup sandwich/left their bowl on the floor/took my scissors please come pick it up!" Usually someone wanders in and takes care of it. If they don't, I stand in the doorway of the room they're in and ask nicely, "Hey guys, there's a mess in the kitchen to clean up. I don't care who made it, I'd just like for it to get cleaned up," or "I can't find my scissors, the ones that are never supposed to leave the kitchen. Could you figure out where they are and return them?" Usually someone says, "Oh yeah! Sorry!" and goes to take care of it. And if they don't everyone looks for the scissors or cleans up the mess. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 I don't care if they confess. I usually just holler from the kitchen, "Whoever made a chocolate syrup sandwich/left their bowl on the floor/took my scissors please come pick it up!" Usually someone wanders in and takes care of it. If they don't, I stand in the doorway of the room they're in and ask nicely, "Hey guys, there's a mess in the kitchen to clean up. I don't care who made it, I'd just like for it to get cleaned up," or "I can't find my scissors, the ones that are never supposed to leave the kitchen. Could you figure out where they are and return them?" Usually someone says, "Oh yeah! Sorry!" and goes to take care of it. And if they don't everyone looks for the scissors or cleans up the mess. Cat I start this way...and then when they still won't fess up I simply send them to their rooms till the guilty party fesses up! Sibling pressure is great! Sometimes we just don't go do something till they fess up, things like that. So long as it wasn't something dangerous I will usually be very gracious to the guilty party and remind them that it is always better to tell the truth. Then they have to go apologize to their siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 I just tell one of them to clean it up/find it. They will usually say, "It wasn't me, it was __________." So tattling works for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 I'm another one who doesn't bother to ask (probably because I spent a childhood denying that I had done half of the things that were "did"!) -- I simply pick a child and ask them to fix the mess/situation in the next few minutes. Sometimes they'll protest that it wasn't them, but I plug my ears and remind them that I didn't ask who did it. It's not like I don't ever pick up after someone else's mess, kwim? It's what family does, it's what existing with other people is all about. For the most part, it doesn't phase them. They're just used to it. FWIW I make them pick up other people's litter, too. As far as scissors go, I have specially labeled mine ;) I got some of those inexpensive key rings with the dangling tag you can write on (no clue what the official name is, but they're in the office supply aisle at mega-stores alongside tacks and neon circle garage sale stickers). Each pair of scissors is labeled for the room it is supposed to stay in, and mine is labeled "STOP! MOM'S" in huge, unmistakable red letters LOL. It's not a perfect system, but they've been much better about returning sewing room scissors to the sewing room, and keeping kitchen scissors in the kitchen! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted July 22, 2010 Author Share Posted July 22, 2010 (edited) I'm another one who doesn't bother to ask (probably because I spent a childhood denying that I had done half of the things that were "did"!) -- I simply pick a child and ask them to fix the mess/situation in the next few minutes. I sorta like this idea, but at the same time don't we want the one who spilled/used/left out something to learn to do take care of what they need to take care of? That's what frustrates me so -- I don't them to go through life thinking they can make messes or create situations and someone else will take care of the results for them. I see that as quite rude actually. I ask each and every one of my kids and they all say "not me." And seriously, I don't think they're lying to me (maybe I'm wrong, but I know them pretty well) -- so they're forgetting? That's what I can't figure out. Are there other options? I will admit that occasionally I sheepishly realize that I did it, and forgot. But these types of situations come up so often. Edited July 22, 2010 by milovaný Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 mine is labeled "STOP! MOM'S" in huge, unmistakable red letters LOL. Mine say, "Mom's Scissors. Do Not Touch." Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 (edited) Mr. Nobody I know a funny little man, As quiet as a mouse, Who does the mischief that is done In everybody's house! There's no one ever sees his face, And yet we all agree That every plate we break was cracked By Mr. Nobody `Tis he who always tears our books, Who leaves the door ajar, He pulls the buttons from our shirts, And scatters pine afar; That squeaking door will always squeak, For, prithee, don't you see, We leave the oiling to be done By Mr. Nobody The finger marked upon the door By none of us are made; We never leave the blind unclosed, To let the curtains fade. The ink we never spill; the boots That lying round you. See Are not our boots they all belong To Mr. Nobody. When you only have one, it's usually pretty easy to know who did it. Unless Daddy's home, then I've got a 50-50 chance! Edited July 23, 2010 by Renthead Mommy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 Sometimes this really gets to me... And it's usually more than just a little cereal mess.... It's bread, gotten into, spilled over, bag not fastened back, becoming stale... Or, more importantly to me, a container of brand NEW body wash that someone had fun with in the shower and is over 3/4 gone... Or a special toy taken from the garage and put in the back yard with the dogs... I usually suspect a particular person... and I am usually right... but, getting a confession doesn't work out most of the time... and this particular child could care less if his siblings miss out on something because of him. He really cares not a bit. If it is on-going, I ask an older sibling to help me watch out for it and we find that bread-getter-into person... Sometimes, I go with my gut, and call out the one I really think did it. Because this one does most of the stuff, I explain that he'd better tell the truth immediately because he has done so much of this type of thing, that he is going to look guilty anyway... Very rarely is he innocent. I love the idea, though, of just picking someone to fix a mess... if I don't know who did it... Somtimes it IS a habit of lying... we've got a really good sneaker who lives here and a look you in the eyes and lie all day boy... Best wishes for your household! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 Well, LOL, sometimes I make their worlds come to a grinding halt. They can't stand that. I make them all come in and sit on the couch and do nothing whatsoever until there is finally a confession.... It takes as long as it takes....(it generally doesn't take long since the first time now that they know I mean business).... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasharowan Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I assign the public areas of the house into 4 areas. They are each in charge of an area and we rotate weekly. Whoever is in charge of the area is responsible for cleanup and they do a good job at staying on each other making sure that the mess isn't left for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted July 23, 2010 Author Share Posted July 23, 2010 I'm sorry I wasn't more clear with my request, although it's probably too late now -- But I'm not asking about how to get them to 'fess up; I'm asking how I deal with the frustration of no one remembering if they did it or not (I'm not going to accuse and I really don't think they're lying -- they're more just, "that was so long ago, I don't remember" ish). When you feel like you want to explode in ranting and raving -- how do you NOT? :001_huh: That's what I mean with this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 I get what you are asking now... I understand that frustration very much! I remember one day every time I turned around someone had done something and books couldn't be found, etc. and I could hardly stand it and was about to scream.... I came here and posted about how incredibly frustrated I was. I have no idea if my post was deleted or if I hit the wrong button, but when I came back later to check it, it was gone! When I get that frustrated I try some self care... In fact this past January I began counseling with a licensed marriage and family therapist and the number one motivator for me to go was because I was getting angry all the time. What I learned from her was to have a mental checklist (I like writing it down, too) and going through what I can do to get through the moment... So, I might excuse myself and wash my face with cool water and put on a moisturizer... helps me clear my thinking a bit... Have a child, if it's one who is stirring up the trouble, go to his room and I go to mine... for a 5 minute break... lay down and put my feet up... and I stare at the wall! Pick a chore! When I get angry I can clean pretty fast! A quick dog walk... A phone call to a friend... I start it out with, "I only have a couple of minutes, but... phew!" And I am then laughing with a friend... I have many books with short (1-3 page) motivational topics... reading one or two helps me sometimes. A few times a year I pull the kids together and we talk about my expectations and the rules and why... and I give them time to come up with ideas for how things can go smoother... and I let them know what is bothering me. I hope you can find some things that work for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 In our house, it's "that kid, 'I don't know'" who does all the mischief. I'm okay with it. I remember being that kid. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 Generally, I know what things are done by whom... for instance, DS2 is the one who doesn't flush the potty and DS1 steals hidden candy, etc. I just assume it's them even if I don't really know. If one is wrongfully accused, he will definitely let me know! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted July 24, 2010 Author Share Posted July 24, 2010 I get what you are asking now... Thank you!! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 This doesn't really answer your question, but when I was growing up, one of the families on our street had only one child. I remember the mom talking to my mom about how frustrated she would get when something like that happened and her daughter would claim not to know who had done it. The mom would say, "Well, you're the only one here!" and the girl would still deny it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 I sorta like this idea, but at the same time don't we want the one who spilled/used/left out something to learn to do take care of what they need to take care of? That's what frustrates me so -- I don't them to go through life thinking they can make messes or create situations and someone else will take care of the results for them. I see that as quite rude actually. I ask each and every one of my kids and they all say "not me." And seriously, I don't think they're lying to me (maybe I'm wrong, but I know them pretty well) -- so they're forgetting? That's what I can't figure out. Are there other options? I will admit that occasionally I sheepishly realize that I did it, and forgot. But these types of situations come up so often. Like a pp most of the time I just ask someone to take care of it regardless of who made the mess. But when I feel like EVERYONE is being careless about a GREAT MANY THINGS then I'll call EVERYONE to the mess and ask them ALL to chip in and get it done with a reminder to PLEASE REMEMBER to XYZ when you're finished! It's a constant struggle trying to get my kids to pay attention to their mess and clean up after themselves. Some days I see progress and others, well...not so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 I've started just asking, "who's going to clean up ____?" And eventually someone volunteers. (I sometimes reward the volunteer, so that helps. :) Sometimes this really gets to me... And it's usually more than just a little cereal mess.... It's bread, gotten into, spilled over, bag not fastened back, becoming stale... Or, more importantly to me, a container of brand NEW body wash that someone had fun with in the shower and is over 3/4 gone... Or a special toy taken from the garage and put in the back yard with the dogs... I usually suspect a particular person... and I am usually right... but, getting a confession doesn't work out most of the time... and this particular child could care less if his siblings miss out on something because of him. He really cares not a bit. If it is on-going, I ask an older sibling to help me watch out for it and we find that bread-getter-into person... Sometimes, I go with my gut, and call out the one I really think did it. Because this one does most of the stuff, I explain that he'd better tell the truth immediately because he has done so much of this type of thing, that he is going to look guilty anyway... Very rarely is he innocent. I love the idea, though, of just picking someone to fix a mess... if I don't know who did it... Somtimes it IS a habit of lying... we've got a really good sneaker who lives here and a look you in the eyes and lie all day boy... Best wishes for your household! If I had a certain child who was usually the culprit, lied a lot, and didn't care about his siblings peer-preassure, I'd just assume he did it 100% of the time and make him take care of it. If he protested the fairness, I'd let him know that he can't be trusted, so this is how it was going to be until he could. hopefully that'd cut down on stuff happening! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 That's what frustrates me so -- I don't them to go through life thinking they can make messes or create situations and someone else will take care of the results for them. I see that as quite rude actually. I ask each and every one of my kids and they all say "not me." I think we share the same end goal -- that is, it's important to learn one is responsible for cleaning up after himself -- but I also believe it's just as important to learn that if there is a mess (literally, or a figuratively messy situation), the mess takes precedence over the who or why of it. I agree it's very rude to intentionally make a mess for another to clean up. In fact, I encounter this at my job on a very regular basis :glare:. The difference, for me, is in intent. If someone is intentionally making a mess, denying it, and expecting someone to clean it up -- yes, that is extremely rude. And unacceptable. If there are messes being made, likely accidental, then that's a part of life. I expect my kids take care of messes they see, regardless of who made them. That could mean picking up a shirt off the floor at the store that their sister carelessly dropped off the rack; or helping the customer at the grocery store who dropped a glass jar of marinara sauce in the aisle we were both in; or picking up the plastic grocery bag flying around the park and discarding it properly even though it's not ours. I don't want them to grow into the type of adults that point fingers as a first reaction to a mess or situation. Or are only willing to pick up after themselves, not after someone else - oy, the relationship issues I've seen stem from that one! Our approach is to address the mess directly, and the behavior indirectly. This has worked for us, in part because we're dealing with just forgetfulness or inattention to detail -- and not malintent, laziness, or rudeness. Dealing with the mess rather than the who/why behind it has done wonders in reducing my irritation at the situation :tongue_smilie:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 A long time ago, No-one poured water in my bathroom potpourri. No-one confessed until five years later because No-one thought I would be mad. I *was* mad. I was mad it took No-one five years to confess. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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