I've recently discovered an astonishing fact . . .

[MomOfOneFunOne]

My husband and daughter will do whatever I ask them in the moment but not over time.

 

If, say, I ask my husband to please help clean the kitchen after supper everyday, he'll say yes and do it that night but he won't ever do it again. I will get mad and stew over it and clean it myself.

 

If, say, I ask my daughter to spend a few minutes before bed-time picking up all her things, she'll say yes and do it that night but she won't do it again. i'll get mad and stew over it and leave it there till we're having company.

 

So, about a month ago I stopped asking and complaining. I just asked, every.single.day: honey, will you help clean the kitchen, please? Lovey, will you please pick up your things b/f bed? Well, they do it. They don't just do it, they do it cheerfully as if they don't mind at all being asked.

 

???

 

So tonight I asked why in the world this is the case. It seems that being asked to do something every night "for the rest of my life" is just too much but "honey, will you help in the kitchen?" is a reasonable request he is happy to fulfill. Ditto with my daughter.

 

So, I have decided to let go of being aggravated and just ask every.single.day for them to do my bidding. It seems to be working. I'm liking it.

[Crissy]

That is interesting.

 

When you asked the question tonight, did they have an answer? Did they even realize they were doing this?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

:)

[Carol in Cal.]

The thing is, I HATE asking my DH to do things. I think it makes him into a child and me the parent.

 

Someone asked me whether he does things around the house. I said that he doesn't putter and I don't nag, so no, not very much.

 

I have just this week reached the conclusion that although I would hate to be a nag, it might be better than being annoyed so much.

 

I believe in setting up routines and counting on them.

 

Working fulltime and homeschooling has meant that I need this stuff not only done, but reliably done and off my mind. But you know what? Maybe I would be a GOOD nag. I'll have to check.

[Slartibartfast]

No wonder I am always annoyed.

 

Would it be wrong to include dh in the chore chart and give him stickers?

[dragons in the flower bed]

Would it be wrong to include dh in the chore chart and give him stickers?

 

It was my partner's earnestly sad, "I wish I could get stickers," that caused me to not go with the chore chart idea.

[Caraway]

No wonder I am always annoyed.

 

Would it be wrong to include dh in the chore chart and give him stickers?

 

 

:smilielol5:

 

 

I find silver foil stars to be highly motivating for me.

[Guest]

I have tried this and it has worked, but left me, as Carol says, feeling like the parent and dh the child. It also makes kitchen cleanup and housework into MY job that he does this big favor by pitching in with, when I feel it is the cooperative job of everyone who lives here, eats, makes things dirty, and wears clothes to help deal with it all. Every time I have to ask for help yet again it makes me wearily aware that we are not likely to ever reach this understanding. And what makes it more frustrating for me is that when I was in grad school and teaching at the university, things were far more equal. Now that I'm home there's a tendency to just assume I will take care with everything because my work -- homeschooling, dealing with my daughter's Asperger's issues, researching, writing (when I can) for publication -- becomes invisible and I'm "just" home.

 

I know many women love taking care of the domestic side of things, but to me this is a very important cultural and feminist issue -- what Arlie Hochschild describes as The Second Shift in her book of that name.

[Mynyel]

No wonder I am always annoyed.

 

Would it be wrong to include dh in the chore chart and give him stickers?

 

 

:smilielol5: OMG don't I WISH!

[i.love.lucy]

Ohhh. Stickers for dh. That might work!

 

My dh got annoyed at me this morning when I was speaking in a loud tone (just about yelling) to dd about not finding her socks last night. I think he was expressing that I was being harsh and should have more patience in my training of our children. Well, dear, if this hadn't been the 147th time I asked/reminded/pleaded/admonished/yelled about the &^*$#% socks then I would have to agree I was too harsh.

 

I'm with them 24/7 so he doesn't see the many MANY attempts I have at actually *training* a new good habit, like picking up your toys.

 

Not to mention that I have been married to him for almost 22 years and he still doesn't know that when the trash can is full IT SHOULD BE TAKEN OUT, or that if the sink is full of dishes there is a handy large stainless box next to the sink that will wash them for you. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT THEM IN IT.:glare:

[MomOfOneFunOne]

Now those are some interesting responses I never would have considered.

 

On the nagging issue . . . no, I do not feel I'm nagging in the least. I did, indeed, feel I was nagging when I would complain about not getting enough help in the kitchen or in the tiddying up arena but by asking for help, no. I feel like there is an enormous difference b/t nagging and saying, "Let's all load our dishes. Who wants counters and who wants table?" I feel liberated from nagging.

 

On the feeling like my husband's mother . . . ewwww, no way! I mean, just can't say I see the connection. If you were planning an event at church or whatever and asked someone to help organizing the centerpieces, would you feel like his/her mother? Is it b/c it's family and they're supposed to just know and do it w/o being asked? I did feel this way for a long time.

 

I've been thinking about this and have been planning to ask them about it for a while. The nagging is so, so, so, not an issue b/c I feel that asking has eliminated that and there is a lot more peace. The mom issue, I may just not understand entirely.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

That is interesting.

 

When you asked the question tonight, did they have an answer? Did they even realize they were doing this?

 

They looked at each other and back at me and said, "really???" Then they laughed. They hadn't really realized it but said it makes sense. They don't mind helping at all and in even said that it's nice to do the kitchen together.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

The thing is, I HATE asking my DH to do things. I think it makes him into a child and me the parent.

 

 

 

I am at a loss . . . this makes no sense to me at all. How in the world does asking for things from your husband make you into his parent?

[Mrs Mungo]

It used to be that my husband did not have regular chores and I was always asking for help. It constantly annoyed me. Finally, I managed to pinpoint and explain the problem to him. The problem was, me having to ask meant that *I* was ultimately responsible for everything. That is exhausting and draining. If he has regular chores or he helps *without* me asking, then I don't feel everything weighing on *me*, alone.

[OrganicAnn]

You know I think people are just programmed to responded positively to being asked to do something. Like if you are trying to get volunteers for a charity event, if you personally ask people they are 90% more likely to participate than if you set out a sign up sheet.

 

So don't think of it as parent asking child. Think of it as the coordinator of the housework utilizing the resources in the most efficient way possible. Or think of it as giving your family the opportunity to respond to you in a positive and helpful way.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

It used to be that my husband did not have regular chores and I was always asking for help. It constantly annoyed me. Finally, I managed to pinpoint and explain the problem to him. The problem was, me having to ask meant that *I* was ultimately responsible for everything. That is exhausting and draining. If he has regular chores or he helps *without* me asking, then I don't feel everything weighing on *me*, alone.

 

Okay, I get that. I'm not sure that in my own case I would find it more exhausting to ask my ppl to do a chore than to be irritated that they didnt' do it.

 

By the way . . . have you seen Hook? I wonder what dies when someone has an apostrophe (as opposed to an epiphany).

 

:tongue_smilie:

[MomOfOneFunOne]

You know I think people are just programmed to responded positively to being asked to do something.

 

So don't think of it as parent asking child. Think of it as the coordinator of the housework utilizing the resources in the most efficient way possible. Or think of it as giving your family the opportunity to respond to you in a positive and helpful way.

 

E.x.a.c.t.l.y! Thanks for saying it so prettily!

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I don't know, I guess I'm in the same boat as those who get frustrated by having to ask every single time something needs to be done. I've had that conversation over and over with dh.

 

Me: "Why am I always having to do everything around here?"

 

Him: "You have to tell me what you want me to do."

 

Me: "You can't tell that dirty dishes are sitting on the counter and need to be loaded into the dishwasher? You can't see the basket of laundry sitting at the top of the steps to be put away? You don't know that children need to be bathed regularly and thus volunteer to oversee the bath/shower process once in a while?"

 

Him: "No."

 

Me: "AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!"

[KidsHappen]

I have found that anything I put on my hubby's to-do list gets done.

 

Any request made to me in print form gets done.

 

Any request made to my children in print form gets done.

 

However, asking any person in this house to do something now almost invariably ends in them saying, "In a minute." and of course that minute never comes. If it is something that I need done sometime in the near future, I have to hover and wait for a pause in whatever it is that they are doing.

[m0mmaBuck]

The thing is, I HATE asking my DH to do things. I think it makes him into a child and me the parent.

 

Someone asked me whether he does things around the house. I said that he doesn't putter and I don't nag, so no, not very much.

 

I have just this week reached the conclusion that although I would hate to be a nag, it might be better than being annoyed so much.

 

I believe in setting up routines and counting on them.

 

Working fulltime and homeschooling has meant that I need this stuff not only done, but reliably done and off my mind. But you know what? Maybe I would be a GOOD nag. I'll have to check.

 

But add to the home stuff that we own our own company and I also have to tell DH--on a daily basis-- to enter his time/client service calls into the system so that I can bill and we can get paid. It's ridiculous, but it's who he is.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I don't know, I guess I'm in the same boat as those who get frustrated by having to ask every single time something needs to be done. I've had that conversation over and over with dh.

 

Me: "Why am I always having to do everything around here?"

 

Him: "You have to tell me what you want me to do."

 

Me: "You can't tell that dirty dishes are sitting on the counter and need to be loaded into the dishwasher? You can't see the basket of laundry sitting at the top of the steps to be put away? You don't know that children need to be bathed regularly and thus volunteer to oversee the bath/shower process once in a while?"

 

Him: "No."

 

Me: "AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!"

 

Isn't your scenario more frustrating than asking??? It seems to me that letting go of the aggravation and letting a simple, "Hon, could you load the dishwasher, please?" make you happy is a far better choice.

 

Honestly, one seems like nagging and one seems like asking for what you want/need.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I would say that "good nag" is probably an oxymoron. ;)

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I supposed I should just let it go, but in my case, I do everything, including yard work, paying the bills, taking care of the car, taking care of major home repairs, etc. It would be nice if I didn't have to ask for help every single day for the blatantly obvious things that need to be done. It does make me feel like dh's mother. What if I had to be asked every single day to buy groceries, cook meals, do laundry, pay the bills, make sure the children were wearing clothes and brushing their teeth? As adults, we should take responsibility for these things without having to be told to do them.

 

ETA: Can you feel the bitterness tonight? lol!

Edited July 2, 2010 by thescrappyhomeschooler
adding

[NanceXToo]

LOL yeah I discovered that fact a long time ago and life runs quite smoothly that way in our house!

 

I do not assign my 9 y/o chores. But on an as-needed basis if I need her help with something, I call her in and say "hey can you go do this for me please" and she does it. Easy.

 

If I say to my husband while I'm cleaning up "Hey, can you do me a favor and vacuum the stairs for me??" ...he does it. Easy.

 

Works great for us!

[rookie]

I supposed I should just let it go, but in my case, I do everything, including yard work, paying the bills, taking care of the car, taking care of major home repairs, etc. It would be nice if I didn't have to ask for help every single day for the blatantly obvious things that need to be done. It does make me feel like dh's mother. What if I had to be asked every single day to buy groceries, cook meals, do laundry, pay the bills, make sure the children were wearing clothes and brushing their teeth? As adults, we should take responsibility for these things without having to be told to do them.

 

ETA: Can you feel the bitterness tonight? lol!

 

may i ask, why? why are you doing everything? unless your dh, and dc, have a disability, why in the world are you going it all? what would happen if you stopped? what would happen if you only took care of your immediate needs (your own meal, your own laundry) and stopped doing for the family? not angrily or spitefully but in order to allow the natural consequences to happen?

 

before you say it is impossible, let me assure you it is not. ;)

[Carol in Cal.]

I would say that "good nag" is probably an oxymoron. ;)

 

Yeah, me too. I hate the idea of being a nag. But I'm driven to reluctantly conclude that I need to be one anyway.

 

And for the person who asked what would happen if you just didn't do all this stuff, the answer sometimes is "nothing." Nothing would happen. Things would just get worse and worse.

[4littleones]

Think of it as the coordinator of the housework utilizing the resources in the most efficient way possible. Or think of it as giving your family the opportunity to respond to you in a positive and helpful way.

 

 

Lovely way of describing it. I must remember that. Thanks!

[MomOfOneFunOne]

Yeah, me too. I hate the idea of being a nag. But I'm driven to reluctantly conclude that I need to be one anyway.

 

And for the person who asked what would happen if you just didn't do all this stuff, the answer sometimes is "nothing." Nothing would happen. Things would just get worse and worse.

:( :grouphug:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

may i ask, why? why are you doing everything? unless your dh, and dc, have a disability, why in the world are you going it all? what would happen if you stopped? what would happen if you only took care of your immediate needs (your own meal, your own laundry) and stopped doing for the family? not angrily or spitefully but in order to allow the natural consequences to happen?

 

before you say it is impossible, let me assure you it is not. ;)

 

You haven't met my husband! :tongue_smilie: He is somewhat of a challenge to live with. I knew all of this about him before we married, and I love him and accept the challenges, but I still get aggravated about it from time to time. :D

 

If I don't do everything or specifically ask (with explicit instructions on how), it will not get done. Dh was 43 when we got married and NEVER did anything for himself his entire life. They had no chores growing up- at all. That is per MIL. She is constantly telling me I need "help", because she never did anything herself, either, except cook dinner. She had a nanny and a housekeeper. She didn't work, so I'm not sure exactly what she did all day. She drives me insane. I'd love to tell her that if we stopped paying her rent every month, we might be able to afford some "help", but I don't. Before we were married, dh had a cleaning lady who even loaded the dishwasher and did his laundry. If he didn't eat out, he would grab cold cuts and bread from the deli and eat sandwiches at home. He lived in a condo, so had no outside maintenance. He did pay his own bills at that point, but that's about it. He even had a company car, so one of the runners at the office would take it to the shop if it needed service.

 

Dh and I have had serious conversations about sharing household responsibilities, but he truly believes he shouldn't be obligated to do anything around the house. That said, he does WAY more than he ever used to do, and is actually trying to help sometimes. After I had ds#1 and quit working, we merged our money (we each owned our own homes before we married, so kept separate accounts), and I took over paying the bills because I wanted to know what was going on with the money. (Control freak, maybe!) I've offered to turn this back over to him many, many times. In fact, I've even said I want him to do it, but he doesn't want to do it. Which is probably for the best. Here is the latest issue that proves that if I don't do something, it won't get done. Dh co-signed medical school student loans for his brother. Said brother has had some trouble in his life and is currently unemployed. Said brother has also not paid on his student loans in a long, long time. After hundreds of phone calls and letters from various student loan creditors being ignored by dh (along with my nagging that he'd better take care of this), and the total ruination of our credit score, dh has NOT called his brother about it, but has set up a payment schedule with the creditors, so we are now paying back his brother's medical school loans. :glare: :confused::banghead:

 

Obviously, this cramps the financials to a severe point, but I literally cannot do much about it. Dh feels obligated to pay, since he did co-sign. Why he doesn't hound his brother about it is beyond me. I've said all I can say to everyone involved and have washed my hands of this particular matter.

 

Anyway, probably an overshare of my issues, but I am desperately trying to have my boys grow up with expectations. They have chores and responsibilities, and dh does back me up with this. Even though it is very hard for an old dog to learn new tricks, I think he sees that his upbringing was unusual (they were not uber-rich- all the "help" financially strained the family) and that teaching the boys to participate in their surroundings will be beneficial to them.

[kwickimom]

I supposed I should just let it go, but in my case, I do everything, including yard work, paying the bills, taking care of the car, taking care of major home repairs, etc. It would be nice if I didn't have to ask for help every single day for the blatantly obvious things that need to be done. It does make me feel like dh's mother. What if I had to be asked every single day to buy groceries, cook meals, do laundry, pay the bills, make sure the children were wearing clothes and brushing their teeth? As adults, we should take responsibility for these things without having to be told to do them.

 

ETA: Can you feel the bitterness tonight? lol!

 

OH I am in the same boat!! I do feel like the mother of all and it is draining. Why oh Why do I have to shoulder the responsibility of EVERYTHING down to simple cleaning? And he wonders why I am so stinking tired all the time. I really think it is physically and mentally impossible to do all that and yet we do it. He couldnt do half of what I do for one single day without dropping.

 

I am totally with you. And it does make us into their mothers.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

When I want/ need dh to do something it really is more of a request "would you have time to do X tonight?" or I state the problem and let him decide the solution "x needs to be done. Can you tell me how to do it or is it something that I should just let you do?"

 

:lol::lol::lol: My husband would look at me like I was crazy if I said that! He brags about not knowing how to do anything. He thinks it's some kind of badge of honor!