Do you stay friends if your kids don't get along?

[ZeldaRules]

I have been friends with another mom for about 8 months. We both homeschool. She has 2 kids, 7 & 3 and is pregnant. I have 3 kids; 6, 4 & 2.

 

Our oldest children are boys and would play together every time we got together. Her boy is a bit aggressive at times when he gets mad. I think he has learned to manipulate by showing anger. He doesn't whine "give it back to me", he will say it with an angry voice. It's intimidating and would easily make anyone give it back. My child is pretty laid back, but can be sensative when his feelings get hurt. They got a long for the most part, but had their moments. The first time we went to her house (after getting together for a few months in neutral places), her boy got mad at mine for having some toy and threw him down on the bed. He had enough force that my son had a mark on his back from the bar in the middle of the bed- I think it was a futon on the bottom. This is a little extreme behavior. The mom handled it well. She has always dealt with her kids well when they misbehaved. She would leave in an instant if she needed to.

 

We had been getting together about once a week since we met. Last week we were planning on getting together. I asked her to come to my house because parks are stressful for me with my 2 little ones. My middle child runs off all the time. She said she noticed the boys weren't getting along lately and wanted a neutral place. I confirmed that and said it was fine to meet at a neutral place. Then she e-mailed and said since it wasn't working for the boys, it wasn't fair to them and we should just accept that and leave it at that.

 

I replied saying I respected the way she said that and I was sad about it. I also said that perhaps after she had her baby and her life returned to some sort of normal perhaps we could have a girls night out.

 

She never replied back. It's been a week. I had a feeling she wouldn't reply back. I just read a book called "What did I do wrong?" It's about friendships ending - seeing perspectives from all sides. I read it from something that happened 18 months ago. Trying to put all the pieces together. So my gut tells me she is ending it all together.

 

So the question is (even though I know this is over)...if your child and a friends' child have their moments of not getting along, but get along most of the time, do you try to make them get along and teach them to get along, or do you just give up trying and go your separate ways?

 

Do you stay friends with the other mom, or is hard to once this tension comes up? I thought we were pretty good friends. Nothing strange ever happened to make me mad, and I don't think I ever did anything to make her mad. Before she e-mailed, she started the e-mail to get together that week.

 

Anyways, I just want others thoughts on this if you have been through it. When I first met her, my gut told me it may not work between her boy and mine. I'm sad that it was right. If anyone were to end it, I would have thought it would be me since my boy was being the one being bullied. Maybe she saw that and didn't want to put my boy through that anymore. I had no problems with her parenting style.

 

Thanks.

[lionfamily1999]

I would really have to wonder what their "moment of not getting along" entailed. I would assume it must be pretty bad if she wants to cut all ties. Either that, or, I would wonder if my breath was bad, iykwIm.

 

ETA. I have plenty of friends whose children do not get along with my own. They just have to play nice and behave while Mom and Dad hang out. I do try to find a sitter, to avoid the unpleasantness, but these are my friends and my dcs will have to learn to get along with people they don't like eventually anyway.

[susankenny]

Hi,

 

The boys are awfully young still, so I imagine they could have worked it out over time. When my kids have difficulty playing well with certain kids, I've found structured activities to be perfect to ease the situation. I don't think calling it quits was necessary, but I agree that neutral places to play would be a must, or planning actual things to do, as opposed to freeplay. I also think once a week may have been too much for the kids at hand. But, if she is ending the friendship like this (and through email at that), I imagine there is more to the story than what you've shared or even realize (from her perspective anyway). Otherwise, I'm not sure she was truly a very good friend in the first place. I'm so sorry you've had to go through that. Hugs.

 

Susan

[Kate in Arabia]

I have friends where we always meet with kids, and friends where we never meet with kids. If we had always gotten together with kids and I became uncomfortable with that for whatever reason, I think I would try and continue the friendship without kids involved (meeting for coffee, etc.). I probably wouldn't say why or go into details, I'm confrontation-phobic. So maybe there's more going on, or maybe she feels embarrassed, or maybe she just didn't click with you, which is ok too.

[Cindyz]

I had a situation like this. I really liked the mom but our boys did not play well together. I was EXHAUSTED whenever we got together trying to make sure my son didn't hurt her son or make him cry, etc. It was not fun for me and I felt like it was not a good situation for my son to be in trouble all the time. I don't know why their dynamic was what it was and we do not have these issues with other children. I just really got tired of dealing with it.

 

Also, she had a younger and everything always had to be on her family's terms...times, locations, activities...etc.

 

After declining a few invitations from the mom, she ended up removing me from facebook and we haven't talked since.

 

I just figure it is what it is.

Edited June 24, 2010 by Cindyz

[dm379]

There's no way I would give up a good friend just because the kids didn't get along some of the time. They would have to learn to deal. I have to put up with people I don't care for all the time and so will they when they get older. I look at it as a people-skills lesson.

 

In fact, I've had this problem before. My dd didn't get along with a very good friend's ds. We hung out every day and after a while they learned to ignore each other some days and play together others.

 

Sorry your friend ditched you. Personally, I think it's kind of crappy of her. Maybe there's something else going on that you don't know about?

[RamonaQ]

My honest take? She probably just feels exasperated having to deal with her sons' behavior. For all we know, perhaps she is taking a break from all social engagement until her son's behavior is a little less intense. I myself have indeed done that.

 

When we have stopped getting together bc/ kids don't get along, and it really has only been 2 or 3 times, it is really on a case by case on how I proceed. Sometimes the kids that do get along will continue to have playdates, or sometimes I have just stayed friendly with the mom (but not really getting together because it is hard wo/ kids).

 

I wouldn't in the least take it personally, I would just look for a better fit.

[Snickerdoodle]

My honest take? She probably just feels exasperated having to deal with her sons' behavior. For all we know, perhaps she is taking a break from all social engagement until her son's behavior is a little less intense. I myself have indeed done that.

 

I wouldn't in the least take it personally, I would just look for a better fit.

 

:iagree:

[ZeldaRules]

I thought we cliqued really well. She was easy going, a secular homeschooler (like me), we both just moved to a big city. We shared a lot of the same values. Maybe I did something that bothered her and I didn't realize it. Her attitude or actions never showed that I did. Many times body language in retrospect tells a story of something that has happened. I have never noticed that.

 

We got together once a week most of the time. The last few times, we only got together a few times a month due to schedules. 90% of get togethers were in neutral places.

 

My son had said the last few times we got together that her son was being mean to him. I told him when it happened to tell his friend to stop it, and if it got too much then to come tell me. He cried a few times on the playground last time we met at a park day for homeschoolers, because of her son. Since I wasn't right there, I don't know if my son instigated some of his actions or not. It does make me sad. My friend and I both saw the reactions of actions at the park day. If I saw another boy always bringing out the worst in my boy, I would likely question things, but if I liked the mom, I would try to do things without the kids.

 

I hope that when things get to normal for her she e-mails me, but will accept things if she doesn't.

 

Would you guys e-mail your friend and ask if there was anything you did that bothered them? That's a catch 22, I know. Do you REALLY want to know the answer...;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

My honest take? She probably just feels exasperated having to deal with her sons' behavior. For all we know, perhaps she is taking a break from all social engagement until her son's behavior is a little less intense. I myself have indeed done that.

 

When we have stopped getting together bc/ kids don't get along, and it really has only been 2 or 3 times, it is really on a case by case on how I proceed. Sometimes the kids that do get along will continue to have playdates, or sometimes I have just stayed friendly with the mom (but not really getting together because it is hard wo/ kids).

 

I wouldn't in the least take it personally, I would just look for a better fit.

 

:iagree: Her son has been the aggressor. I'm wondering if something has happened with her son's behavior to escalate and she wants to protect other children from him right now. That would be extremely difficult to explain.

 

I think she was wrong not to respond to your kind overture to a girl's night out. But if she is overwhelmed right now with discipline/character issues as well as her pregnancy she just might not be able to right now. :grouphug: I know you are hurt.

 

I think you had a very close relationship develop really quickly with this family (meeting once a week since you met 8 months ago is a lot, in my opinion.) I hope that you develop some other relationships that meet you and your childrens' needs.

[Tidbits of Learning]

Did you talk to this friend as well as email? Like chats on the phone? I would probably call her up for a friendly chat. I have kept friendships going on the phone alone. I wouldn't mention the kids at all.

I agree about the meeting once a week after only knowing each other 8 months to be a bit fast. I got to this point recently and I started arguing with a friend every time we were around each other. We were involved in 2 groups together and hanging out as well. I finally said if I am to salvage this friendship then I need to take a break from this person.

Maybe a break is all that she needs. Maybe she is giving her son that break from the situation. He may not realize how much the situation has escalated and she may not want to explain to him that it has went from group activities to just the moms. IDK, I wouldn't personally email her again. Maybe your friendship will pick back up during a less stressful time in her life.

Edited June 24, 2010 by OpenMinded

[plain jane]

My experiences, which are probably quite different from others' here is that if the kids don't get along, eventually the moms won't either.

 

I'm not sure if it boils down to genetics (temperment etc) or the stress of having kids that don't get along, but IME those types of friendships tend to fizzle out over time- be it months, or sometimes years.

 

Every family is different and some families are just *too* different for each other, if that makes sense. Sometimes it comes down to families being too lax in their discipline that causes kids to not get along (or my kids not to like theirs) and I have found that over time, this comes out in the mom's personality- too laid back for me (I'm talking waaaaay too laid back, late for everything, willing to get together but never the one to make the plans, etc) or whatever other differences there may be between us.

 

While it is sad to see a friendship dissolve over childrens' squabbles, I often take that as my first cue that this family may not be a great fit for us.- ETA- by this I mean consistently not getting along, not just from time to time.

 

Now, this isn't to say that I'm friends with all of my kids' friend's parents, far from it, but I have found it difficult to maintain friendships when the reverse situation is true.

 

Just my ramblings. :tongue_smilie:

Edited June 24, 2010 by plain jane

[Gooblink]

This is a timely thread for me! (It's uncanny, actually, several "issues" I've been personally mulling have come up on this forum.)

 

I've got the same issue - only it's me who's backed off the friendship and it's my kids who don't want to spend time with my freind's kids. I appreciate this comment from dawn8500 and am going to make an effort to reconnect with the mom and tell my kids they're gonna have to live with it:

 

"There's no way I would give up a good friend just because the kids didn't get along some of the time. They would have to learn to deal. I have to put up with people I don't care for all the time and so will they when they get older. I look at it as a people-skills lesson."

If you really want to continue the friendship, then it's probably worth a shot to reach out and try to clear up any misunderstanding there may be. :)

 

Best wishes!

[lionfamily1999]

I thought we cliqued really well. She was easy going, a secular homeschooler (like me), we both just moved to a big city. We shared a lot of the same values. Maybe I did something that bothered her and I didn't realize it. Her attitude or actions never showed that I did. Many times body language in retrospect tells a story of something that has happened. I have never noticed that.

 

We got together once a week most of the time. The last few times, we only got together a few times a month due to schedules. 90% of get togethers were in neutral places.

 

My son had said the last few times we got together that her son was being mean to him. I told him when it happened to tell his friend to stop it, and if it got too much then to come tell me. He cried a few times on the playground last time we met at a park day for homeschoolers, because of her son. Since I wasn't right there, I don't know if my son instigated some of his actions or not. It does make me sad. My friend and I both saw the reactions of actions at the park day. If I saw another boy always bringing out the worst in my boy, I would likely question things, but if I liked the mom, I would try to do things without the kids.

 

I hope that when things get to normal for her she e-mails me, but will accept things if she doesn't.

 

Would you guys e-mail your friend and ask if there was anything you did that bothered them? That's a catch 22, I know. Do you REALLY want to know the answer...;)

I would definitely ask. It could possibly turn out that your ds wasn't telling you the whole story and neither was hers. It could turn out, even if you don't stay friends, that there's some really useful information to be gleaned from all this.

 

 

This is a timely thread for me! (It's uncanny, actually, several "issues" I've been personally mulling have come up on this forum.)

 

I've got the same issue - only it's me who's backed off the friendship and it's my kids who don't want to spend time with my freind's kids. I appreciate this comment from dawn8500 and am going to make an effort to reconnect with the mom and tell my kids they're gonna have to live with it:

 

"There's no way I would give up a good friend just because the kids didn't get along some of the time. They would have to learn to deal. I have to put up with people I don't care for all the time and so will they when they get older. I look at it as a people-skills lesson."

 

If you really want to continue the friendship, then it's probably worth a shot to reach out and try to clear up any misunderstanding there may be. :)

 

Best wishes!

 

My closest (in proximity to my house) friend's son is a whiner. He's also an instigator. I know this. Ds KNOWS this. We still hang out together, sometimes here, sometimes at her house. The boys just have to get along. They have no choice... er well, there is a choice, they can sit on the couch and stare quietly at the wall while J and I chat, or they can get along ;)

 

At first, it was really difficult, because her ds would come here and then leave in a flurry of tears, my ds would go there and leave in a huff of frustration. It took awhile, but ds has finally learned how to get along and we caught on to the both of them.

 

:grouphug:

 

Learning to get along with people you'd rather never know is a very useful life skill (as the pp already wrote).

[Kate in Arabia]

Like others have said I would call. I feel like we relegate so much these days to electronic communication, and it's hard to really get an honest read of someone's emotions. Plus, I think it speaks a lot more to the person that you value the friendship that you will call her up and talk about it, rather than sending an email, kwim?

[kalanamak]

 

Do you stay friends with the other mom, or is hard to once this tension comes up? I thought we were pretty good friends. Nothing strange ever happened to make me mad, and I don't think I ever did anything to make her mad. Before she e-mailed, she started the e-mail to get together that week.

 

Maybe she is busy. Maybe she is embarrassed. I could imagine, personally, being embarrassed my son did something like that and fading into the wallpaper.

[Alicia64]

I'm realizing that if I really like the mom, my kids don't like her kids.

 

If I'm not so into the mom, my kids adore her kids.

 

:lol:

 

I'm laughing, but not kidding. It's happened several times.

 

I think the argument that kids need to "learn to deal with all personalities" is a little silly. Most adults don't have skills to deal with a poor or bad dynamic w/ another person.

 

I've noticed when moms say "learn to deal" they don't mean "learn" (as in the mom teaches), it means "tolerate" or "suck it up" around a difficult child/difficult dynamic.

 

I happen to think that's rotten to inflict on a kid.

 

I've made the decision that my life is about my kids right now. In 11 yrs. they'll be in college and then I can have whatever friends I want.

 

So, if the kids don't get along -- especially if there's mean behavior or "out there" behavior on the part of the other child -- I give it the college try and then put a stop to the play dates.

 

I sound mean. I'm not. I just think life is too short and there are plenty of kids my kids do enjoy and vice-versa.

 

Alley

[ZeldaRules]

We have never really talked on the phone except for "Hey, I'm leaving right now" type thing. We are in a very big city. We live 20 minutes away from each other. She is a member of a different homeschool group than I am. I am actually a member of the one she is in, but I infiltrated with a different one first, so that will always be my main HS group. I only joined 'hers' because it was free and some of the events weren't that far away, and she said good things about the group. So we do our own thing with a lot homeschooling events. She has been travelling a lot to her home town 3 hours away because she kept the same OBGYN for her 3rd baby. We haven't seen each other much the past few months because of that (and we both actually moved in March - we had a house to sell, we lived in a hotel for 6 months). :)

 

There was never any disagreements between us. I have had friendships go bad, and there were always precursor's to the ending (in retrospect). I've got none of that. I have nothing bad to say about her.

 

My son is sensative in that he cries easy when he is physically hurt or verbally hurt. He doesn't cry all the time by any means. If he feels he has disappointed me, he will cry. Sometimes it is annoying, but admirable. He only cried around the other boy when he was physically hurt. I tell him not to tell on friends, but allow him to tell on his siblings all the time because he is normally alerting me to some big mess they are making. That is a fine line! ;)

 

Anywho, I appreciate everyone's comments. I may call her after her baby is born when her life has calmed down from all the traveling.

 

I like seeing views from others that have ended the friendship themselves. I had a playgroup gone bad 18 months ago and learned a lot from that. I'm trying to prevent that ever happening again. There was drama galore in that ending. This ending if it is one, was very respectful and no drama. I appreciate that. Even if I may be hurt from it, she didn't hurt my feelings with mean intent.

 

One thing I learned from the book I read "What Did I Do Wrong?"...was women HATE confrontation. Sadly, many friendships end because women just don't want to confront their friend on an issue, many would be saved if they did. ;)

 

If you have had any friendship issues, or question one, I would highly recommend reading the book. It is by Liz Pryor. She has some clippits of stories on her website www.lizpryor.com ;)

[Mejane]

No friend is worth my kid being miserable. BTDT, dumped the friend. We were all happier.

[ZeldaRules]

I'm realizing that if I really like the mom, my kids don't like her kids.

 

If I'm not so into the mom, my kids adore her kids.

 

:lol:

 

I'm laughing, but not kidding. It's happened several times.

 

I think the argument that kids need to "learn to deal with all personalities" is a little silly. Most adults don't have skills to deal with a poor or bad dynamic w/ another person.

 

I've noticed when moms say "learn to deal" they don't mean "learn" (as in the mom teaches), it means "tolerate" or "suck it up" around a difficult child/difficult dynamic.

 

I happen to think that's rotten to inflict on a kid.

 

I've made the decision that my life is about my kids right now. In 11 yrs. they'll be in college and then I can have whatever friends I want.

 

So, if the kids don't get along -- especially if there's mean behavior or "out there" behavior on the part of the other child -- I give it the college try and then put a stop to the play dates.

 

I sound mean. I'm not. I just think life is too short and there are plenty of kids my kids do enjoy and vice-versa.

 

Alley

 

I like to think this is where she is coming from. I totally understand it, and respect her decision, and I stated that to her.

 

It is so HARD to find a perfect family that everyone (for the most of the time) gets along with. The husband and wives may get along, but the kids hate each other, the wives and kids get along, but the husbands don't...it's like finding a needle in a haystack. But I hope one day to find that family.

 

Alley, do you stay friends with a mom outside of the kids getting together if this has happened, or is it too hard to co-ordinate, so you just let it be?

[lisamarie]

I am still trying to decide on this one with 2 different friends. Both friends have 2 sons each that are just mean. They whine, cry, push, hit, shove, steal toys, and on and on. It is really very unpleasant to be around them and the boys are really mean to my kids. But I am really good friends with their moms. And we all goto the same church. In this case, I don't agree with their parenting styles at all (there is a serious lack of discipline).

 

In the fall, my DDnearly3 will be eligible to goto preschool with 3 of the boys and though she is looking forward to it, and though her 2 older siblings have gone, and though it is a great place to build friendships, I'm very hesitant to send her because she's too little to stick up for herself the way my DD4 and DS6 do. I'm afraid she's going to get hit and pushed and kicked every class.

 

I still don't know what to do. I've pretty much backed off from going to playgroup anymore because these boys are there. I don't invite one of these families over to my house because their kids are so destructive and mean. The other family the parents are one of our best friends so we do invite them over, but we try to organize things to keep the kids occupied so there's less opportunity for them to get into trouble.

 

I think it really depends on how good of friends you are with the mom. Is the relationship worth it to you to watch your kid get beat up on every time you get together? For me, 1 family is worth it, for the other it's not. I just don't like them enough to put up with their kids.

[Peela]

The truth is, while I would still consider the other mother a friend, if there was no actual structure for our friendship, I probably wouldn't continue it- or rather, I wouldnt put my attention and energy there. I have had several friendships revolve around my kids' friends and while I still consider the mums friends, and might even attend get togethers or girls nights out if someone else organised them...once there are no structured activities where we meet up regularly and chat, it tends to mean we don't see each other much at all. We often say we should when we do see each other, but we dont tend to.

It doesnt mean we wont bump into each other and have a good chat, but life is busy with children and I am not so good at maintaining single use friendships (doesnt that sound terrible! ). I mean, if we are friends yet share no common interests (whether thats our spiritual views, music, craft, homeschooling etc) we probably won't connect much.

[FaithManor]

In my experience, it doesn't work out. We had a group of four homeschooling moms and kids who would get together for fellowship time once per month. I think we four mothers considered ourselves good friends.

 

But, one mom had a boy of nine who was very ill behaved. He had been born prematurely and then was a sickly baby so she and her husband had very much "molly-coddled" his attitude when he was smaller and he had become a very tall for his age, very heavy bully whose parents upheld his actions in everything. Their other three children were quite well behaved but they let this child get away with everything and anytime there was a problem between the children it was always the fault of the other children.

 

The crowning blow incident was when he tackled the hostesses 10 year old girl, rushing her at the knees (think football/sacking the quarterback move) and knocked her down hard. Well, her daddy had taught her self-defense and wrestling so she came off the ground in a roar and took him down so fast (according to the teenager helping to watch the children) you'd have thought she was a cowboy roping a calf against the clock. The other kids laughed because they thought he got what he deserved. The teen was the only one other than the children to witness the incident because we moms were on the porch sipping tea and couldn't see it from our angle of the house. The teen came and got us, confirmed the facts of the incident, and the children backed her up. This mother became enraged, grabbed the girl and yanked her arm so hard that we thought she would hurt it, and screamed, "You were mean to my son and I can't stand your little face." She told her children to follow her to the car and left. No apology about her son's behavior or the fact that she herself acted inappropriately. She then called the hostess later and regaled her about what a nasty little girl she was raising and how her son is very delicate and blah, blah, blah...That boy was two heads taller and 40 pounds heavier than the girl he tackled; he hadn't been sick in years. He could have really hurt her and she felt that because it was her "angel" this girl didn't have a right to defend herself. I do not desire to see what this boy is going to turn out like. I'm thinking repeat felon!

 

This mother called me later and said that she was disappointed in my 12 year old son for not "lying in support of my son". I had all I could do not to light in to her but I realized that this was the end and I would not be friends with her again.

 

For about three years the other mother didn't speak to any of us though we all went to the same church. Eventually she tried being friendly again but never apologized nor did any of us see a change in her son's behavior. So, the friendship has never been recovered. The hostess of the above event and I are still best friends and very much like sisters to each other. But, we don't interract with the other family except that she had her oldest two children join our 4-H club. Dh had a talk with her about the bully's behavior and told her that we were well within our rights to put him out of the club if there was even one single incident of this kind of behavior. DH made her and the boy sign a rules of conduct contract. He has been maintaining pretty well - we've developed a "look" that lets him know he's on the edge of discipline and he settles down quickly. But, I still do not think there will ever be a friendship because dh and I are still the adults holding him accountable, well her too, for his choices and that means we are more like his defacto "law enforcement" which just isn't a friendly position to be in.

 

It's sad but this is just part of parenting. I have seen this type of thing happen often. Bully children are very good at manipulating their parents and defaming other children so that they appear to be the victim. Many parents fall for it which leaves the rest of us getting scorched.

 

Sorry that you have to go through it. It is never comfortable.

Faith

[cathmom]

If another child deliberately hurt my child so that it left a mark, I would not be considering playing with them again, ever.

[Alicia64]

Alley, do you stay friends with a mom outside of the kids getting together if this has happened, or is it too hard to co-ordinate, so you just let it be?

 

 

VFN ~ I haven't had a lot of luck with staying in touch w/ the mom. . . only b/c I'm noticing that if the child has poor behavior of one kind or another, the mom's poor behavior eventually starts showing.

 

On the other hand, if a friend were really in my heart, I'd suggest getting together for coffee or dinner. I had a friend years and years ago that I miss dearly. I have a lot of "casual" friends so, to look at me, you'd think I was full of friends, but I don't have as many "heart" friends. And this woman was for me. We had a falling out.

 

Sometimes I think, "I have to contact her and let her know how important she was to me. She should at least know that."

 

Good luck to you. You sound like a wonderful person.

 

Alley

[RamonaQ]

Would I contact her?

 

No. For whatever reason, the friendship is "on hold". If she wanted to discuss it, or work it out, she would have already. She had the opportunity previously. If I saw her out and about, I would be friendly and gauge the situation from there-- perhaps suggesting getting together at a park if things seem friendly.

 

The ONLY reason I would feel compelled to talk to her is if you have had a pattern of friendships that quickly end. At that point, as on of the pp mentioned, you might find some helpful information.

 

Interestingly, I see that many of the pp have mentioned/ or have 6 yo boys. This is when I would take a break from certain friendships....I think some of this could really be the age.