Does anybody deal with an emotionally abusive parent?

[sparrow]

I feel positively silly being so hurt by my father, yet again. I am 40 years old and he can reduce me to feeling like a child in a matter of minutes. He's a successful, well known member of the community, and he's also known as cantankerous. Folks laugh and joke about it, but they don't realize the ornery they see is nothing compared to the guilt and blame he has put at my mother and I's feet.

 

My husband finally made me realize, I grew up verbally/emotionally abused and I am continuing to be abused. *How* do I stop this? I'm tired of the constant need for his approval and the running away with my tail between my legs when brushes me off. I'm a grown woman, for goodness sakes!

 

I feel bad for him, because I know his childhood was no picnic, but it shouldn't be an excuse to keep hurting us.

 

As you can guess, we had a run in today. I'm just feeling so sad that he's so unhappy himself that he wants to make those around him unhappy, too. I'm constantly trying to figure out how I could have said things differently, to get to a different outcome. It just doesn't work.

 

If you've been able to forge a loving relationship with a parent who pushes you away, I'd love to hear how you got there.

 

Sorry to vent :(.

[Mom2J112903]

Not the answer you want to hear, but this is one reason we live 700 miles away from my parents.

 

I could not deal with things anymore, and even 700 miles away, things are still "iffy" between us.

 

:grouphug:

[MamaT]

My mother is this type of parent. I finally came to the point that I did not expect her approval or for her to be nice to me. I gave up on her ever being the kind of mother I envisioned. It was freeing.

 

We have not, nor ever will because she will not change, make it to a loving relationship. I hope it works out differently for you.

[sparrow]

Not the answer you want to hear, but this is one reason we live 700 miles away from my parents.

 

I could not deal with things anymore, and even 700 miles away, things are still "iffy" between us.

 

:grouphug:

 

700 miles sounds good right about now. Unfortunately, dh and I are managing a business for him. I know, nightmare scenario, right? Honestly, he's pretty hands off on the business end of things (thankfully). It's just our day to day dealings.

[Debora R]

Oh, yes. I know. Exactly.

 

I always clung to the idea that Dad loved us, and really was trying to do what he thought was best for us, he just didn't do it as well as he could have for this reason or that. True enough, but he also has a mean streak a mile wide.

 

He finally crossed a line with me in regards to one of my children. What I never could manage to do for myself, I will do for them.... I didn't speak to him for nearly 5 months. When I finally relented and opened communication again, it has been reserved and guarded. I tend to ignore inappropriate comments/topics/tones -once- but if he continues in that vein, I end the conversation. No discussion. I won't talk about it with him either. I've already said everything I'm going to on the subject. I am his daughter, yes, but I and my children deserve -at minimum - the same courtesy he'd give to a stranger on the street. I won't accept less and I expect more. If he wants to see me or my children..... He. Will. Be. Respectful. And Polite.

 

It isn't the relationship I want with my parents. I don't think I'll ever have that....it's just not in his nature. However, I will settle for not being belittled and berrated, I'll settle for not having to listen to him belittle my mother in my presence' I'll settle for not having to watch him put down my husband - the father of my children - in their presence.....it's a start. I hope for more, but it's good to have some boundaries.

Edited June 5, 2010 by Debora R
added thought

[Mejane]

You can say, "You may not talk to me this way." He owns his response to that. My fil was a bully, but when most of his five kids finally told him they would not let him talk to them that way anymore (they were in their 30s and 40s), he quit. He knew he was going to be a lonely old man if he didn't.

[sparrow]

My mother is this type of parent. I finally came to the point that I did not expect her approval or for her to be nice to me. I gave up on her ever being the kind of mother I envisioned. It was freeing.

 

We have not, nor ever will because she will not change, make it to a loving relationship. I hope it works out differently for you.

 

How did you get to the point where you REALLY didn't expect/need that approval and civility? I have a "fix it" personality. I want to talk about it. I want to make it better. That just makes him more angry and dismissive.

 

I just want to get to the point where I expect him to treat me like this and I can deal with it. Right now I STILL feel blindsided EVERY TIME he does it.

[sparrow]

Oh, yes. I know. Exactly.

 

I always clung to the idea that Dad loved us, and really was trying to do what he thought was best for us, he just didn't do it as well as he could have for this reason or that. True enough, but he also has a mean streak a mile wide.

 

He finally crossed a line with me in regards to one of my children. What I never could manage to do for myself, I will do for them.... I didn't speak to him for nearly 5 months. When I finally relented and opened communication again, it has been reserved and guarded. I tend to ignore inappropriate comments/topics/tones -once- but if he continues in that vein, I end the conversation. No discussion. I won't talk about it with him either. I've already said everything I'm going to on the subject. I am his daughter, yes, but I and my children deserve -at minimum - the same courtesy he'd give to a stranger on the street. I won't accept less and I expect more. If he wants to see me or my children..... He. Will. Be. Respectful. And Polite.

 

 

Yes. A stranger on the street.

 

I finally wrote things down. I'd never done that before and before I knew it, I had an entire page of affirmations that I'm not a screw up and I deserved to be treated as well, if not better, than "a stranger" because I'm his daughter! It's so funny that you thought the same thing.

 

I tried not talking to him last summer. It hurt me worse than the arguments we get into :glare:. I was worried. I didn't want him to be sad (I doubt he cared that much). Gads, I'm so messed up.

 

It's helping to see I'm not alone on this. I mean, I knew it, but I've never talked with others that have dealt with it. Thank you.

[coffeefreak]

My mother is this type of parent. I finally came to the point that I did not expect her approval or for her to be nice to me. I gave up on her ever being the kind of mother I envisioned. It was freeing.

 

We have not, nor ever will because she will not change, make it to a loving relationship. I hope it works out differently for you.

 

You can say, "You may not talk to me this way." He owns his response to that. My fil was a bully, but when most of his five kids finally told him they would not let him talk to them that way anymore (they were in their 30s and 40s), he quit. He knew he was going to be a lonely old man if he didn't.

 

:iagree:

With me, it was both my Mother and Father. I stood up for myself 7 years ago and my Father totally changed his ways. My Mother did not. I now think my Father was the way he was because of my Mother.

 

How did you get to the point where you REALLY didn't expect/need that approval and civility? I have a "fix it" personality. I want to talk about it. I want to make it better. That just makes him more angry and dismissive.

 

I just want to get to the point where I expect him to treat me like this and I can deal with it. Right now I STILL feel blindsided EVERY TIME he does it.

 

Two Christmases ago, I had had enough. I tried to talk to my Mother and "fix it," and realized, she's NEVER going to change. I was sick of being a victim, and quit talking to her. In the past, my Dad would step in and try and bully me, but he doesn't do that anymore. If he had, we would have stood up to him too. But, he doesn't want that kind of relationship with me. So, he stayed out of it. 6 months later, I called her and invited her to my girl's piano recital. She came and tried one or two things, but I stood up to her and made it clear that kind of behavior was unacceptable. This Christmas went a little better, and this year's piano recital was even better. Have you read the book, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend? If you haven't, you should. Not only did I learn what *I* was doing wrong, but I learned to accept my Mother for who she is, even if I don't like it. I also learned you HAVE to keep those boundaries up, with people like that, even if you don't want to. You can't give them ANY purchase or they'll immediately walk all over you again.

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[ereks mom]

When I was little, he punished mercilessly for the smallest infraction of his rules, which were usually made up as he went. He punished when he was angry, not necessarily when the rules were broken. When I was older, he knew just which buttons to push, and how to get to me the most. He berated me and even called me names.

 

It wasn't until I was married and about to start my own family that I realized that I had to stand up for myself and not allow my dad to bully me. When I was in my late 20s, I finally got to the point that I realized he was manipulating me--and I was allowing it to happen. So I decided that I would not allow it. I had longed for a close relationship with my dad, and had been willing to let him push me around in order to keep the peace. "Dear Abby" once said, "People will not take advantage of you unless you allow them to do it." I was not rude to my dad, but I did start speaking my mind to him; when he would ask my opinion on something, instead of simply agreeing with him even if I felt differently, I would disagree openly--firmly but not rudely. In short, I acted as an free-thinking adult instead of a meek & compliant child. I expected him to respect me. At first, he didn't, but over time, it started to happen.

 

Another thing I had to do was forgive my dad. I realized that by holding that grudge against him for not being the father I had wanted, I was really hurting myself. My dad had a crappy childhood--his parents divorced when he was 5 and he and his sisters were placed in foster care because neither parent wanted them. When he did return home, he was shuffled back and forth from first one parent and then the other; he failed in school and was a troublemaker, so he would live with his mom until she was exasperated and sent him to his dad's, and vice versa. So he grew up to be a dysfunctional adult. I didn't feel sorry for him, but I did begin to realize that if I held my childhood against my dad, I would turn out just like him--angry, even bitter because of the lot he'd been dealt in life. He held a grudge against his own dad, and it ate at him. Grudges have a tendency to turn into resentment, and resentment into bitterness. By holding a grudge, a person actually allows the other person to control him. So I let it go. He never asked for my forgiveness, but I forgave him anyway. I forgave him for ME more than for him. I now know that he wasn't intentionally being a bad dad, but that he was only doing what had been modeled for him by his own dad, and he had NO IDEA how to be a loving, caring father.

 

My dad mellowed as he got older--or maybe I just learned how to deal with him--and by the time I was 40, he and I got along pretty well most of the time. He died in 2001, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. He had called me on my birthday that year, and we had a wonderful, long chat. We didn't talk about anything deep or moving, just about our interests and the kids and about wanting to plan a vacation with all of the extended family. Exactly one month & one day later, he was gone. I have no regrets.

Edited June 5, 2010 by ereks mom

[kmacnchs]

not sure what to do about my relationship with my abusive dad - I'm in the same place. But, I try to make sure he does not do the same thing to my kids. I do not let them spend time with him when I am not there and when he blows up at them (or just blows up in general), I take them out of the room and say he is not to yell at my kids or talk to them that way.

 

I am so thankful that my dh is NOTHING like my dad but I'm right where you are as far as still feeling the need to please him but clearly that will never happen. Right now, he does not want to see me (which means he forgoes seeing the kids) because my morning sickness angers and annoys him and he feels as though I am "throwing my pregnancy in his face" - what?!?! How is that a father? Again, no answers here, just empathy...:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[kmacnchs]

I just want to get to the point where I expect him to treat me like this and I can deal with it. Right now I STILL feel blindsided EVERY TIME he does it.

 

yeah, my dh doesn't understand why I feel blindsided - the last time (about a week ago) when it happened, dh said, "I'm not sure why you're surprised. He tries to punish you every time you get pg!" I'm not sure why I was surprised either - maybe b/c he is my dad? Aren't dads supposed to love & support their children?! I feel ya...:001_smile:

[Karen in CO]

I finally after years of making excuses and trying to understand and make it work, just told him that the road between us runs in two directions, and I wasn't going to drive down it anymore. I haven't picked up the phone or spoken to him in 4 years. I quit being hurt and angry about it. I just quit. If he ever decides he can treat me and my family with respect, then he is welcome to drive here and speak to me or ask someone for my phone number.

[OrganicAnn]

If you don't think you can change the relationship yourself, you might try talking to a counselor or therapist to gain some objectivity and strategies for dealing with him.

 

You can only control your own behavior and not change him.

[Lara in Colo]

Welllllll, my mother is on her way over RIGHT NOW. I've prayed and now I'm sitting here with a stomachache waiting. Our relationship has always been a difficult one. I always describe her like making poached eggs. You take water, heat it up, add vinegar, stir it into a whirpool and drop the egg in the middle. Mother does this. She takes a situation, heats it up , adds some acid, stirs everything up and plants herself in the middle and lets the world revolve around her. I finally got fed up when she stopped speaking to me when DH and I wouldn't let her take DD1 to Texas for a weekend trip. (We had GOOD reasons-but even if we didn't-we're the parents) She stopped speaking to me for 6 months. It was a good 6 months. My world was steady and calm. I've talked to my pastor. I'm OK with the decision, but she is such aforceful personality and I'm just now becoming strong. My marriage is stronger than ever-- she told me to leave DH about 3 yrs ago because of his business being bad (what about for richer or poorer????)

 

Dh is on his wway home for support. Wish me luck pray for me PLEASE????

 

 

Lara

[gpsings]

I have an emotionally abusive dad, (and other kinds of abuse) and it did take some therapy, but I finally had to tell him that I love him very much and I'm not angry or having bad feelings, but I don't think our contact is healthy and I am just going to have to cut contact until there is some counseling between us. I don't know if that will ever happen. I'd like to believe it could, but it probably won't. It's sad when things aren't the way they should be, but emotional abuse from a parent doesn't really ever get easier, and you shouldn't have to deal with that now when you're trying to raise a family. We like to think the stress doesn't affect our kids, but that's just not being honest with ourselves.

[elizabeth]

Having lost my father at a very young age I felt very sad and frankly, at sea. My mom always used to tell me that there are things harder to live with than death and when I was older I would understand what those things are. What a burden so many very, very kind people have to bear. I am sorry for your troubles and cannot imagine how hurtful this must be. :grouphug:

[MamaT]

How did you get to the point where you REALLY didn't expect/need that approval and civility? I have a "fix it" personality. I want to talk about it. I want to make it better. That just makes him more angry and dismissive.

 

I just want to get to the point where I expect him to treat me like this and I can deal with it. Right now I STILL feel blindsided EVERY TIME he does it.

 

She had hurt me once again and I called my big sister who told me, "She is never going to be different. Why do you keep expecting her to?" For some reason it really clicked inside of me and she has not hurt me again. It rolls right off my back. I do think I had a period of grieving the mother I wished I'd had. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me.

[Laurie4b]

First, you have to get to a place in which you don't need anything from your father emotionally. As long as you look to him to provide something, then he's got power over you. For me, this space was filled by God. I realized that God had already given me all the love and affirmation I could possibly want. I was rich in love--and here I was trying to wring the $10 worth (metaphorically speaking out of a parent who didn't have $10 to give.) Once I realized that, I laughed and let go.

 

I do have a decent relationship with that parent now. There have been ups and downs and some boundaries set and some times of closeness. (That parent also came to a relationship with God, which made a difference, too.) I'm at a medium close emotionally now. I had to back off some when I had kids--this parent doesn't really enjoy kids, KWIM? Now that the kids are older, I'm not as tense as I was waiting for the criticism to come. (It always went over their heads and was really pretty mild... I just reallllly disliked it though. Dh sometimes thought I had overreacted. I'm still not sure because this parent is extremely intelligent and can be subtle and it just sounded too familiar, though it sure wasn't subtle when I was a kid. In other words, it's possible that I am oversensitive from the past OR that I hear what is there, but not as intensely, because I'm tuned in to it. )

 

Summing up, I would say from a secular perspective the keys are: 1) Get your needs filled so that you are not needy as you approach the parent 2) Decide ahead of time how you are going to handle the next incident. They're all pretty much the same, right? So you can plan for them. There is no need to be blindsided when you know what's coming. It's not going to change until you change something, so make a plan then follow through. 3) It does help, I think, to put it in perspective as you are doing in terms of what your dad went through as a kid. If he doesn't have a full set of relationship tools, it's not so personal. On the other hand, don't let understanding be the same thing as making excuses for him. 4) generally, people have one or two responses that they can think of to a situation. Try to think of a third that's not like the other two. For instance, fight or flight is a common two- choice system. Making a joke about it is neither fight nor flight. (Not that making a joke is always appropriate, but I'm just trying to illustrate. I did once get out of an attack by a violent kid by deliberately misunderstanding what she was doing and thanking her for the hug when she was threatening to choke me. She walked away in disgust, LOL! She had expected either fear/flight or anger/fight .She got a total dimwit from her point of view. I used to work in residential treatment with violent kids.) If you've always wondered what you did wrong, the other obvious choice is to blame him. If you can think of something different, like expressing care for him, "Sorry you're having a bad day, dad. Pass the bean dip..." you may find that you gain a lot of power in the relationship.

 

If cc is okay, I would add getting your needs met from God, really being honest about the debt of love your dad has owed you (put it in a $$ amount to express it metaphorically), then forgive. Pray for your father. Do good to him, but not as a way of earning his approval.

Edited June 6, 2010 by Laurie4b

[sparrow]

Thanks to each of you for sharing your stories. It really does help to know that others have been there :grouphug:.

 

I'm feeling much better today and I'm sure it has something to do with a monthly visitor who happened to arrive today :glare:. Yesterday was a BAD day for him to give me a hard time.

 

Having lost my father at a very young age I felt very sad and frankly, at sea. My mom always used to tell me that there are things harder to live with than death and when I was older I would understand what those things are. What a burden so many very, very kind people have to bear. I am sorry for your troubles and cannot imagine how hurtful this must be. :grouphug:

 

This is so sweet. I'm very sorry for your loss :grouphug:. Even though my father feels like he is pouring salt into old wounds, I still love him dearly and will miss his presence more than I can fathom when he is gone. He is, and always will be, my daddy, which is why it hurts so much when he is less than kind.

[sparrow]

This was very helpful to me. Thank you.:grouphug:

 

 

First, you have to get to a place in which you don't need anything from your father emotionally. As long as you look to him to provide something, then he's got power over you. For me, this space was filled by God. I realized that God had already given me all the love and affirmation I could possibly want. I was rich in love--and here I was trying to wring the $10 worth (metaphorically speaking out of a parent who didn't have $10 to give.) Once I realized that, I laughed and let go.

 

I do have a decent relationship with that parent now. There have been ups and downs and some boundaries set and some times of closeness. (That parent also came to a relationship with God, which made a difference, too.) I'm at a medium close emotionally now. I had to back off some when I had kids--this parent doesn't really enjoy kids, KWIM? Now that the kids are older, I'm not as tense as I was waiting for the criticism to come. (It always went over their heads and was really pretty mild... I just reallllly disliked it though. Dh sometimes thought I had overreacted. I'm still not sure because this parent is extremely intelligent and can be subtle and it just sounded too familiar, though it sure wasn't subtle when I was a kid. In other words, it's possible that I am oversensitive from the past OR that I hear what is there, but not as intensely, because I'm tuned in to it. )

 

Summing up, I would say from a secular perspective the keys are: 1) Get your needs filled so that you are not needy as you approach the parent 2) Decide ahead of time how you are going to handle the next incident. They're all pretty much the same, right? So you can plan for them. There is no need to be blindsided when you know what's coming. It's not going to change until you change something, so make a plan then follow through. 3) It does help, I think, to put it in perspective as you are doing in terms of what your dad went through as a kid. If he doesn't have a full set of relationship tools, it's not so personal. On the other hand, don't let understanding be the same thing as making excuses for him. 4) generally, people have one or two responses that they can think of to a situation. Try to think of a third that's not like the other two. For instance, fight or flight is a common two- choice system. Making a joke about it is neither fight nor flight. (Not that making a joke is always appropriate, but I'm just trying to illustrate. I did once get out of an attack by a violent kid by deliberately misunderstanding what she was doing and thanking her for the hug when she was threatening to choke me. She walked away in disgust, LOL! She had expected either fear/flight or anger/fight .She got a total dimwit from her point of view. I used to work in residential treatment with violent kids.) If you've always wondered what you did wrong, the other obvious choice is to blame him. If you can think of something different, like expressing care for him, "Sorry you're having a bad day, dad. Pass the bean dip..." you may find that you gain a lot of power in the relationship.

 

If cc is okay, I would add getting your needs met from God, really being honest about the debt of love your dad has owed you (put it in a $$ amount to express it metaphorically), then forgive. Pray for your father. Do good to him, but not as a way of earning his approval.

[newbie]

I finally after years of making excuses and trying to understand and make it work, just told him that the road between us runs in two directions, and I wasn't going to drive down it anymore. I haven't picked up the phone or spoken to him in 4 years. I quit being hurt and angry about it. I just quit. If he ever decides he can treat me and my family with respect, then he is welcome to drive here and speak to me or ask someone for my phone number.

 

:iagree::iagree:Both my parents are toxic. And the only thing that works for me is space. Right now, I am going to make it 3000 miles. I might be able to breathe easier.

[Impish]

Yes, both my mother and MIL. Its tough.

[Pretty in Pink]

I haven't read all of the other responses so forgive me if I am repeating anything here.

 

I had to get to a point where I quit shouldering a responsibility that wasn't mine. It's not all my responsibility to make a relationship work. I need to be met half way. It's not my responsibility to sit back and 'take it' from my parents. I am a grown woman. It's not my responsibility to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. I am only one person.

 

It's hard to put your foot down but it is one of the best things you can ever do for yourself. Some things I've said to my parents:

 

"Mom, I love you very much but I will not fight with you when you've been drinking. You will not see or talk to my children when you've been drinking."

 

"Dad, I am a grown woman. I will not be spoken to that way. If you want to speak to me then you must be polite and respectful."

 

"Dad, I love you but I will not deal with you when you are drunk/off your meds/etc. Please call me back when you are sober/feeling more like yourself/etc."

 

"I can't continue this conversation with you right now. Goodbye."

 

"I am not going to have this conversation."

 

I visualize myself physically passing the responsibility back to them like a game of 4 square or something. I will not get into an argument with either of them (it's taken me years to get to this point).

 

With my kids I have often decided ahead of time the consequence for a particular behavior. For example, striking a sibling will result in a time out. I have to be this way with my parents as well. Being yelled at by my father will result in one of the above responses.

[gratefulmother]

Your (OP) situation sounds familiar to me.

 

I finally stopped when I realized that it was unhealthy for me, and my husband and kids who are my first priority need me to be healthy.

 

He and my mom are adults and are responsible for their own feelings and responses to things, not me. I will never be able to completely make them happy, that is up to them, not me.

 

Also thinking to myself, what is the worst thing that is going to happen right now if I stand up to him and let him know that what he has said is crossing the line. Is he going to not talk to me, make a scene, hurt me or my family?? In my case, no, probably none of those things. If it upset him that I rebuffed him when he said things that were hurtful, then that is okay. Maybe he will change.

 

I just had to realize I needed to put my big girl panties on and respond to him as an adult and not a child anymore.

 

I did it for the sake of my family, but I can't tell you how freeing and wonderful it has been for me.

 

And, you know what, our relationship with my dad is better than ever. He didn't want to lose us, but he was going to act rudely until we didn't let him anymore.

 

Best wishes!

[Entropymama]

Lots of good advice here!

 

I can't recommend enough the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It completely changed my outlook on my relationship with my parents. Very freeing, it'll repeat some of what you've been told in this thread, but it's a great read.

 

Some encouragement - my relationship with my dad was very hard for a long time. After reading that book I wrote him a long letter telling him how I felt about our relationship and that I wanted a better one. His response was completely awful, belittling me and blaming me for every issue in our family since I was a child. HOWEVER, afterwards I simply told him I wasn't going to have contact with him until he could be civil. Several months of silence ensued and I thought our relationship was over. Then he called. Things are still not good, we may never be close, but I think it was a wake up call to him and I can say he's putting in more effort than he ever has before.

 

So you never know, maybe someday you will have the relationship you want. Until then, you've got some great advice here on how to deal with it if you don't.

 

:grouphug:

[Alicia64]

Definitely Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

These people are charismatic and sparkly to the world and total terrors at home. Children either have NPD themselves or become scared people always trying to gain approval.

 

I finally got the courage to move 3,000 miles away and oh, it feels great. Not that that's necessary. I put my foot down -- finally-- at one point and didn't speak to him or my mother for a year. I regret not maintaining that silence.

 

I've also forgiven myself for continuing to want their approval. It's just a part of who I am and you know what too?? It's normal. Of course children want their parent's praise. That is so normal. How your dad is acting is so not normal.

 

I used to post on the coolest NPD forum. It really helped me to "talk" w/ others who understood. PM me if you want me to send you the exact forum.

 

Hang in there. You're not 40. In your heart, you're 5 still looking for your dad. Be extra nice w/ yourself -- you've had a tragic time.

 

Take care,

 

Alley