How would YOU punish for this?

[NanceXToo]

9 1/2 year old daughter just got caught (along with her nearly 7 year old twin cousins) playing with matches outside. I don't know where they got them; not from our house though.

 

She definitely knows she should NOT have touched them and should have let her dad or I know they were there and left them alone. Instead, she was out there trying to light them and got caught by my brother and SIL.

 

We yelled at her, told her WHY she shouldn't have been doing that (even though she already knew), and told her that since she did something that serious and untrustworthy while being outside unsupervised, she was grounded this whole week from being allowed to go outside with her friends, that she'll only be allowed in our small backyard with her little (4 y/o) brother- no friends in the backyard, and no going out front to play with friends all of this week, until the weekend.

 

Too strict? Too lenient? Just right? Just curious how you all would have handled it (aside from hitting, which we don't do). She was sobbing and we felt bad and told her we still loved her but that what she did was really dangerous and irresponsible and so on.

[Lolly]

Just right.

[HeatherM2]

I remember my brother getting caught playing with matches when he was about that age. My mother bought one of those great big boxes of matches and made him light every single one, one at a time, on the front porch. Of course she supervised him doing this. To my knowledge he never played with matches again. :001_smile:

[manylilblessings]

Just right.

 

If she ever does it again, she gets to tag along with a firefighter to do cleanup/assessment at a home that has burned down.

 

My DH started a forest fire when he was in grade school. His brother did the same a few years later. IMO, their parents didn't make the point well enough.

[Guest Cindie2dds]

Just right.

 

If she ever does it again, she gets to tag along with a firefighter to do cleanup/assessment at a home that has burned down.

 

.

 

I agree!

[Starr]

I think you're doing fine with the supervision time out in the yard. This is what maturity is about; self control. I doubt she'll do it again. Poor girl must be miserable.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think what you did was fine. I might also schedule a visit to the fire department.

[eternalknot]

I remember my brother getting caught playing with matches when he was about that age. My mother bought one of those great big boxes of matches and made him light every single one, one at a time, on the front porch. Of course she supervised him doing this. To my knowledge he never played with matches again. :001_smile:

 

I have a child this age, and this would upset me on several levels. When we were younger my brother got caught lighting a baseball, of all things. Our room stunk for months.

 

On the safety level, I'd make my kid do a report on fire safety. I don't care if it's a paper, a drawing, a performance, or an interview with a fireman - just that he re-iterates (to himself) the importance of not playing with matches. I can yell until I'm blue in the face and it will never be as effective as removing the emotion and having the kids learn for themselves WHY the issue makes me so emotional - you know?

 

On the disobedience issue, I'd probably do something similar to what I quoted above. You wanna light matches? Here ya go! Light until your fingers blister. And hopefully quell any further curiosity.

 

On the responsibility issue, (she was the eldest present, and YMMV since I know this isn't the case in many families here but in our family the eldest is responsible for the youngers) I would do what you did, and not allow her to be the eldest in any given situation for a specified period of time (probably until her fire safety report was turned in to me and then shared with her conspirators). She could go on about her daily play outside, etc., but only if someone older (and theoretically, more responsible) than her were also present. This has been very effective with the kids in my extended family. It's not a punishment so much as it is a need to prove the child will accept his responsibility as the eldest.

[KJsMom]

My dh is a firefighter, so this would be a very serious issue in our home. He would prob. ground our dd and take her by a house that had burned. After he yelled. A lot.

[JoyfulMama]

I remember playing with matches when I was a bit younger than she was. I did not understand how a little stick could start a fire - it was mere curiosity and amazment. I wanted to know HOW IT WORKED.

I didn't get my answer, but I did get a lecture and a timely front page news article about an area house that burned to the ground because a child was playing with matches.

My mom moved the matches, and I learned to sit by my dad when he was going to start a fire in the fireplace so that I could ask him how the matches worked.

So, punish, yes. It is dangerous. But I would also want to know why she was using them. If it is curiosity, then help answer her questions.

[qfbrenda]

You did fine. I second, third, fourth, whatever about visiting the fire department.

 

I would also teach her how to properly light a match to light a candle. She's probably just curious about them. She's about the age when we taught our boys to light candles or our wood stove when we were there to supervise. That took care of their curiosity and to my knowledge, they have never played with them any other time. They also quickly learned respect for those matches because they saw what fire does even in a controlled environment.

[phathui5]

I remember playing with matches as a kid, and never hurting anything or setting anything inappropriate on fire. It's normal for kids to be curious. I wouldn't punish my kid for it unless they burned something that they shouldn't have.

[Laurie4b]

I think that teaching her how to safely light matches should be an important part of your reaction. A lot of it is curiosity and getting competent at it under adult supervision makes it less, not more, likely that she will do it out of curiosity again. I think your punishment was very reasonable, but this is actually more likely to be a true deterrant for many kids. (It's actually part of treatment protocal for kids who have set fires.)

[NanceXToo]

Thanks for the responses, all!

 

We did tell her that if she was curious we would rather her come to us and tell us that and ask if we could show her how to light a match safely/with supervision kind of thing but that it was very bad and dangerous that she went and did it on her own.

 

She has been to fire departments for fire safety tours and talks and she's done fire safety worksheets and made a fire escape plan from our house, and about six months ago my mother and brother HAD a fire in their house (which fortunately was caught quickly and didn't do a lot of damage) so she knows that this is a big deal!

 

Anyway, hopefully it will never be an issue again- I don't THINK she will do that again!

 

I too can remember getting caught playing with matches when I was younger than her... and getting hit with a belt for my efforts! Hopefully my punishment was more suitable/fair than my father's idea of a punishment was when I was a kid!

[RoughCollie]

My mother bought one of those great big boxes of matches and made him light every single one, one at a time, on the front porch. Of course she supervised him doing this.

 

I did this with my kids even though they never played with matches. I wanted them to get the novelty of fire-starting out of their systems. They had a great time.

 

Whenever I need a fire to be started, I get one of the kids to do it. It has lost its allure due to its familiarity.

 

If I had caught one of my kids playing with matches, I would have started a complete fire safety unit the next day. I would have explained again why playing with matches is unsafe, and I would have told them what the consequences could have been had they been successful. I would buy matches and have them light plenty of them under supervised conditions in a fire ring -- not as a punishment, but as a curiosity inhibitor. I'd let them set lots of things on fire to see what happens when they burn, from twigs to paper (not plastics).

 

Other than that, no punishment. There are lots of things kids do that are one time occurrences. I haven't punished my kids for those, and the events have not been repeated.

 

I'd be more blatantly punitive with a child who was under 8 or 9 years of age simply because they don't reason as well and the younger ones may not fully understand the consequences of breaking a major safety rule.

Edited May 10, 2010 by RoughCollie

[IsabelC]

I'd be trying to get to the bottom of why she played with matches. Guessing that at her age she didn't simply forget she wasn't allowed to, so why did she go ahead and fiddle with them if she knew you'd told her not to? Is she curious about matches or fire? Showing off to her cousins, or feeling self-conscious about telling them they shouldn't be playing with matches? I know you have already imposed a consequence, so I'm not saying she needs more punishment. But she might also need some learning so that the incident isn't simply repeated when she thinks she won't get caught. The suggestions above are great if she has a forbidden fruit kind of curiosity about matches. But if it's a peer pressure issue (or a show off in front of younger kids one) she may need some more guidance around this. It's wonderful that you can be addressing this stuff now, rather than later on when the temptations are bigger.

Edited May 10, 2010 by Hotdrink

[Remudamom]

I caught my boys in the garage lighting matches near the gasoline for the lawn mower. I don't remember what I did, I think my head exploded.

[mommy4ever]

My reaction would have been something similar to yours. Growing up, I had friends that were burn victims, so I am always always scared of mixing kids with fire. The first I met was in 1st grade with me. His situation was sad, it was due to neglect, when he was 3, mom wouldn't get out of bed to cook him and his baby sister breakfast, so he tried to do it. He lit a gas stove and set himself on first. Burned 60% of his body.

 

The second was a girlfriend I met as a teen. Her brother was playing with matches in the back yard, he caught his baby sister on fire, he was about 10, she was 3, when he burnt his fingers and dropped the match on the dry grass and it surrounded her. It could have been much worse, she was burnt from the knees down, but badly, she still has pain to this day, she's 38.

 

So I would be sure, that she understands that the danger just isn't to trees, garbage or wood...but to her friends, her family and herself.

[Peela]

I would prefer to re-teach a kid the dangers around the issue, set the boundaries again (musnt play with matches , especially with younger kids around, unless you ask first) and then help them light a fire in the backyard under supervision. Or, let them light candles at the dinner table at night time. Some kids have an irresistable attraction to matches and fire, and I think it needs some nurturing. I LOVED fire when I was a kid, and so did my brother. We would spend hours around a campfire just playing, putting things in it, testing what burned, cooking things. Parents looking on from a distance, trusting us to behave sensibly but still there just in case.

 

I personally would not necessarily take the long term punishment approach. My son has played with matches for years. He makes match bombs. We live in Australia- fire is an issue! But he is sensible. He would love to light fires in the backyard with a magnifying glass when he was young. We taught him how to do it safely, and I asked him to tell me when he wanted to do it.

 

I dont like long term punishments that have nothing to do with the actual so called crime. It is a child's natural curiosity, not a sin, to play with matches. They shouldn't feel bad about themselves. They should just learn why its dangerous and learn not to do it without supervision.

[Natalieclare]

I would prefer to re-teach a kid the dangers around the issue, set the boundaries again (musnt play with matches , especially with younger kids around, unless you ask first) and then help them light a fire in the backyard under supervision. Or, let them light candles at the dinner table at night time. Some kids have an irresistable attraction to matches and fire, and I think it needs some nurturing. I LOVED fire when I was a kid, and so did my brother. We would spend hours around a campfire just playing, putting things in it, testing what burned, cooking things. Parents looking on from a distance, trusting us to behave sensibly but still there just in case.

 

I personally would not necessarily take the long term punishment approach. My son has played with matches for years. He makes match bombs. We live in Australia- fire is an issue! But he is sensible. He would love to light fires in the backyard with a magnifying glass when he was young. We taught him how to do it safely, and I asked him to tell me when he wanted to do it.

 

I dont like long term punishments that have nothing to do with the actual so called crime. It is a child's natural curiosity, not a sin, to play with matches. They shouldn't feel bad about themselves. They should just learn why its dangerous and learn not to do it without supervision.

 

:iagree:

[NanceXToo]

Thanks again for all the replies!

 

I did make sure she knew that the danger could be to people too, not just belongings, trees etc, that she could easily have gotten hurt or caught her own hair on fire or something like that, too.

 

I think the reason was simple curiosity, and I plan to address that further by doing as some of you have said and giving her more (supervised) opportunities to help with campfire or candle lighting in the future.

 

Peela, you do have a good point, which I will keep in mind for the future (in general I mean, I don't think this particular situation will happen again). I'm not going to take the punishment back now that I have given it and don't feel it was totally unwarranted. But I appreciate your viewpoint. I think this is the first "long-term" punishment my daughter has ever really had. She's never done anything I considered as serious as this before.

 

Eh that's why I made this post, I guess, I wasn't even sure HOW I should react in a situation like this. I wanted it to be both ways- that she knows she can and should come to us instead if she's curious and we WILL talk to her/show her what she's curious about. But that she knows she absolutely can't do something like this on her own 'behind our backs' or there will be consequences.

 

And, too, I remember a 14 year old boy I went to school with in Junior High whose natural curiosity had him and two of his friends playing with one of the friend's parent's guns and it accidentally went off, and he died.

 

I can't quite take a "no big deal, it's just curiosity" attitude. Playing with fire and guns and so on can obviously have irreversible consequences. But I don't want to take an "it's entirely forbidden, never touch X again, ever, under any circumstances" attitude either and leave her feeling like if she's curious about something, she has no choice but to do it behind my back. I guess I figured "It IS a big deal and you're going to be punished for it... but I also want you to know you can come to me if you're curious next time this or something like it comes up" would cover all the bases.

 

Anyway! It was good getting feedback from other moms. Like I said when I was a kid if I did anything like that, I'd get hit with a belt. My kids don't get spankings and have never had cause to have any 'serious' punishments other than a timeout or losing something for the day or something along those lines. This is really the first 'serious' issue I think has ever come up with my daughter, where I had to really think about how to handle it without being too lenient or too strict.

 

Sorry for the long ramble. Thanks again for all replies!

[momto5blessings]

My concern is that you mention your daughter has been to the fire dept, there was a fire she was aware of in someone's home, etc.

 

My brother was one of those kids who liked to play with matches....mom and dad took him to the fire dept had someone talk to him, etc. He still played with them, just hid it a lot better. He seemed to have a real curiosity about it all. The fire dept. suggested (and mom and dad followed through) that they take him to a burn unit in a kid's hospital. They did it, and my brother finally "got it" especially as some of the kids had "known what they were doing, weren't idiots"....that's what he would say to my parents.

 

I don't think he ever played with matches again. My parents weren't mean about it, they were just at their wits end to know what to do, and were afraid he would end up being burned.

 

Just a thought

Pamela

[Carrie12345]

At first, I thought your reaction was over the top. I've been building campfires and "playing" with fire since I was 6 or 7. But I grew up camping, and it was considered an important skill, which I was carefully taught. Any "playing" was done with knowledge and precautions.

 

Then I remembered that *my own* kids aren't being raised the same way. We don't have an outdoor fire pit, I don't use candles in the house (unless the power goes out), and I'm not comfortable with our indoor fireplace (ironically!) My kids haven't grown up understanding fire and its power.

 

Thinking that through, I'd probably react similarly.

[SquirrellyMama]

I remember getting caught playing with a candle and paper once. Here is what I remember. My parents didn't yell. I know they talked to me about how dangerous it was and then the next day my dad had me read about a child who started a fire in a house which killed some of the child's family.

 

That was enough for me. I had to take that article for current events in class.

 

Do you belong to a homeschool group or 4H? Maybe your daughter can give a fire safety talk. She would have to do a lot of research which could take her to the fire station and lots of articles which would show the danger.

 

Kelly

[katemary63]

My nine year old DD routinely uses matches and lighters on her own to burn feed bags on the farm or light candles when the power goes out. I am in the area, but no longer supervise right next to her. We've taught her how to use them. However, if she were lighting a fire or playing with matches in some other context, she would get in trouble. Probably taking away a privildge or something. (Weird, I'm not sure because this particular kid never does anything naughty. No joke, I'm not sure how I would punish her - it never happens. :001_smile: Guess I'm blessed with this one!) But, my point is, teach her how to use them and let her use them under supervision (such as lighting candles) and the lure to "play" with them probably would be gone. I think what you did was fine. But now, at age 9, I would teach her.