Kids having alone time

[Wheres Toto]

I've been looking through the threads on kids having televisions and video games. I lot of responses have mentioned concerns about not wanting kids to have too much time separate from the family. I know when I was a teenager, I needed time away from my family. Time to just relax, read, daydream (we didn't have a tv, computer or any video games of any kind). Without that time, I probably would have had some real problems with depression.

 

My oldest and I spend a lot of time together - we'll sit together and watch a movie, we discuss books, go shopping) together and we spend large amounts of time in the car - which is a great place for conversations. But, she also likes to spend time in her room alone after being around people all day at school and dance.

 

How many of you have teenagers (I think teenagers are more likely to want alone time than younger kids)? And do you limit how much time they are allowed to spend in their rooms, even if its reading or doing something constructive? Do you force a certain amount of family time each day? or do they seem to prefer family time to being alone?

[Lara in Colo]

I agree with the alone time, however there is a difference between alone/growth time and playing/watching tv time. There is a fine line from growing to sulking/avoidance. I guess you just have take it case by case. My DD 9 is very artistic. She draws, writes poetry, reads. She is not allowed an mp3 player because it takes her further away from the real world. DD 8, is very social she has an mp3 player but cannot use it to tune out the family on family outings, or in situations where we are all interacting together. Like I said: case by case.

 

Lara

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I give my son all the alone time he wants, and then shower him with lots of love and kisses when he graces us with his presence :D.

 

Actually we do spend lots of time together. He and I are both taking classes at the community college and we ride in and home together. We do homework sitting side by side most evenings. He helps me with household chores. He and I watch movies together. We play video games together, too. He's my best friend.

 

When he goes into his room and closes the door, who am I to force him out? I know I need my solitude and my space sometimes, I'm sure he does too.

[Night Elf]

When he goes into his room and closes the door, who am I to force him out? I know I need my solitude and my space sometimes, I'm sure he does too.

 

I agree with this. There are some people wired to be introverted and some extroverted. My ds13 is quite introverted. If he wasn't in his room playing video games, he would be in his room doing something else. Before he got into video games, he would spend hours playing with his Lego blocks or reading. Before that, he played with his toys. He spends time with us, but he prefers to be alone or with just one person. I can relate. I'm the same way. My dd12 is a major extrovert, wanting to be with someone at all times. I love her to pieces, but after a while of being with her, I'm both physically and mentally tired. We laugh about it. :)

[Pamela H in Texas]

Dorothy,

 

Both my kids are teens. I do not limit their alone time or force family time. I guess if there was an extreme, I'd reconsider, but....

[abbeyej]

I think there's a big difference between needing quiet and alone-time for thinking and dreaming -- and the isolationism that can develop (without necessarily any time for quiet and reflection!) when each family member can retreat to a personal space with non-stop media entertainment.

[Nicole M]

I agree with the alone time, however there is a difference between alone/growth time and playing/watching tv time. There is a fine line from growing to sulking/avoidance. I guess you just have take it case by case.

Lara

 

I agree. My personal felling is that alone time daydreaming is more valuable than downtime watching the tube. This came home to me last weekend. I had worked at a bioethics conference all weekend, and it was one horrific story after another. Very depressing. When I got home, I watched a dumb movie on YouTube with my son. While we were watching, I was entertained and happy, but the moment the movie was over: BAM! The sick feeling in my gut was back, just as intense as it had been an hour and a half before.

 

I guess what I'm thinking is that there is quality alone time, and there is tuning out. I think each parent has to gauge what their childrens' needs are with alone time so that that fine line Lara mentioned isn't crossed. I would have a hard time with figuring that out if my child had a TV in his room because of my experiences with TV as a child (I don't own one now). I didn't sense that folks were saying in the other thread that they don't allow their children downtime, though. Perhaps I was misreading.

[RoughCollie]

My kids prefer to be with the family. They are always yapping. There are many evenings when I have been unable to read a complete page in a very good book, in the best part of the book, because of serial interruptions.

 

Mom, tell me everything you know about Kierkegaard. Now compare him to [blank]. Mom, I really need to get my hair dyed before the military ball. Mom, did you know that the people in the Tea Party are racist? Mom, have you finished reading the health care bill yet? Mom, let's talk about all the new Red Sox players. Mom, can I have a 7-Up? Mom, where is the melatonin? Mom, who gave the dog my dress shoes? Mom, did you know that Dad doesn't know anything about computers? Why is that? Mom, where is the dog's bone? Mom, what do you think about Marxism? Mom, doesn't a person's political party affiliation say a lot about their character? Mom, remember how my Ted Williams bobblehead lost his head? Where did you put it? Mom, mom, mom.

 

Except for during baseball season, the living room is filled with talking people. If one of them wants to use a computer, he does so in the living room, right in the thick of things, so that he will be present to engage in argument (er... discussions). The dog is there too, taking up half the couch.

 

Now the t.v. will be in use during every Red Sox game. DH will be downstairs with whoever watches the game. I will be upstairs with everybody else. The score is continually updated in loud voices, with commentary as to how it got to where it is.

 

I am never alone, unless it is a weekend and I get up before the kids do. If I go in my bedroom to read, within 5 minutes, at least 2 kids have wandered in and are lying on the bed with me, talking.

 

I wouldn't trade this for anything. There are times, however, when I wish my kids would want to be alone once in awhile. When they were younger, they considered themselves to be alone unless I was right there with them. I think they still feel that way, to a large extent.

Edited April 6, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Peela]

My kids are both teens...one was already living on a different floor to us...we just moved the other downstairs too. Now dh and I have our upstairs rooms (we have a room each) a fair way away from the teens, and we LOVE IT! We are a personal space loving family. We spend plenty of time together- dh doesnt work full time and is around a lot- we homeschool- together time is not something I ever make a fuss about. Both kids need their teenage caves to withdraw into, and frankly, so do dh and I.

Both teens have busy social lives too, and I have never felt the need to control them to get them to spend more time with the family. Dd15 is away on a 12 day camp...woohoo, good for her, its great. Ds has friends over and I wont see him much all day. Thats the freedom of having teens! I get to spend the day however I like! Why would I want to interfere with that? :)

[IsabelC]

I wouldn't dream of restricting alone time. If anything, we encourage it, as the kids seem to be so much more centred and content if they've had some private playing time. OK so I know next to nothing about teens, not having any as yet, but I can't see how family time would be beneficial if it had to be enforced?

[Wheres Toto]

Thank you for replying. I do agree that television, video, computers, etc. need to be limited for many reasons (lead to obesity from lack of exercise, short attention spans, etc.). The other threads just seemed to frequently mention the isolationism as the main problem but as long as its not getting excessive I don't see why television, etc. are worse than other escapes. Does every activity need to have academic value in some way (nothing mindless)? I know after a long day with hours of physical activity and intense academics, my daughter often wants something completely mindless to do. Sometimes she reads but if she doesn't have a book on hand she'll "veg out" in front of a movie. I often feel the urge to do this myself but my fluff of choice is often romance novels (which definitely have absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever).:D

 

I know different people (including children) will have different needs for alone time. As Night Elf mentioned, some are introverts/some extroverts. I just wondered about the people who seemed worried about their kids hiding out in their rooms. Since we are here on a homeschool board I would assume we are very active and involved with our kids on a daily basis, so an extreme of isolationism would be less likely to occur regardless of what electronic entertainment was available.

 

I'm not sure I'm expressing myself well so I hope I'm not offending anyone.

[lionfamily1999]

Except for my youngest ds, we're all introverts. We need our alone time, it's how we recharge our batteries. That being said, there are times when I drag my older two out to interact with the rest of the family. Otherwise, dd would spend all her time drawing and writing and ds would do whatever it is he does all by himself :p

 

I have to add, having Luke (our little extrovert) has brought all of us out of our shells somewhat. After reading Joanne's site on parenting and what she had to say about extroverts, we all looked at poor Luke (who needs interaction the same way we need isolation) and made conscious efforts to be there for him.

 

Oh, and we have no tv, but we do have video games and the computer (obviously). So electronics aren't of any concern, especially since they're all in the living room.... sometimes though, I worry that my reading habit is brushing off too much on the kids.

[Joanne]

2 of my 3 are teens.

 

I expect:

 

Chores done.

School "done".

Attendance at family meals.

To come when I call.

Participation in neighborhood play and extracurriculars.

 

After that, I rarely tell my kids how to spend their down time. They read, get on Facebook, play X box, shower, text, eat. Nothing in excess and nothing out of proportion.

 

If I had a child prone to screen addiction (I don't, but I've had them in the daycare), I'd have some limits.

[aggieamy]

This thread made me smile this morning because I'm not dealing with teenagers. I have to force alone time on the kids or I would never be alone. Ever. I'm in the kitchen cooking and there they are with a box of Playmobils right in front of the fridge. I'm in the laundry room folding and the kids are climbing in and out of laundry baskets. I try to brush my teeth and get ready for bed and they all try to crowd into the bathroom with me with a non-stop barrage of questions!

 

My favorite question last night was Sophia asking me if I realized that I was kind of like a maid. :glare: I pointed out that wasn't true because nobody has handed me a check for doing the dishes or dusting yet. I think I made her feel bad because she tried to tell me that her allowance wasn't enough to pay me for doing laundry.

[debdebdebby13]

I don't have a teen, but I was one once :-)

 

I was never limited to how much time I could spend in my room alone and I'm very glad for it. I think with how volatile my emotions could be at that age, forcing me out would have been a negative experience for everyone involved. I know I would rather spending time with my DD when she wants to spend time with me rather than time I'm forcing her to spend with me, against her will. How pleasant can that really be?

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

I agree with this. There are some people wired to be introverted and some extroverted. My ds13 is quite introverted. If he wasn't in his room playing video games, he would be in his room doing something else. Before he got into video games, he would spend hours playing with his Lego blocks or reading. Before that, he played with his toys. He spends time with us, but he prefers to be alone or with just one person. I can relate. I'm the same way. My dd12 is a major extrovert, wanting to be with someone at all times. I love her to pieces, but after a while of being with her, I'm both physically and mentally tired. We laugh about it. :)

 

You just described my oldest son and babygirl. My older son used to ask me to "punish" him by giving him a time out in his room so he could get some alone time. He really, really needs it. Daughter wears me out with extrovert personality. The middle one (son) is somewhere in between. Sometimes we're all grating on each other, and alone time is exactly what is needed (for me, too!). I'd rather recognize it and accommodate each child's personality, then the alternative, which is usually fussing and fighting.

 

ETA: It does frustrate me when my SIL's teenaged children (and preteen) are all "plugged in" during a family event. My dh does not allow any plugged in items for our children at family events - he views it as antisocial. I'm not sure it is any more antisocial than all the adult men vegging out in front of the TV or what I used to do, which is bury my nose in a book.

Edited April 6, 2010 by MeanestMomInMidwest

[LibraryLover]

This is not on my Radar of Worry.

 

I think I have perfectly 'normal' teens and it has never crossed my mind whether they have too much alone time. My 17 yr old has spent hours in her room reading or drawing. I think it's great. My 16 yr old doesn't read nearly as much as she does, and doesn't draw, but I often see him sitting at the paino, just staring off into space. He also goes to bed pretty early...not concerned.

[Cricket]

I wouldn't dream of restricting alone time. If anything, we encourage it, as the kids seem to be so much more centred and content if they've had some private playing time. OK so I know next to nothing about teens, not having any as yet, but I can't see how family time would be beneficial if it had to be enforced?

 

:iagree: We very much encourage alone time here. Only because my oldest is extremely social, to a bad extreme I think. He definitely needs time alone so he can process his own thoughts. My brain is very similar to his. I know I need alone time so I can "catch up" with what has happened in the day. He doesn't realize yet that he needs that time.