Church issues/discouraged

[KnitWit]

We would have come and hauled your stuff out of the attic for you. ;)

I mean, it would have taken all of 15 minutes.... LOL!

[Jenny in GA]

One thing that bigger churches have going for them is that hopefully they have some sort of "small group ministry." These are groups of maybe 4-8 families that meet in each others' houses on a somewhat regular basis, and you get to know them well.

 

When my daughter was taken in an ambulance to the ER and admitted to ICU, the first non-relative I called was a small group member.

 

Good luck. I know if I were you, I would leave that particular church, effective immediately.

 

Jenny

[Ibbygirl]

I know how you feel. There are days I feel like that, too. I think its just part of life, because I know many other married women who feel the same way at times.

 

:iagree::iagree: I am married and outgoing and I struggle to make friends. It is really difficult for some reason. Even if you do put yourself out there. I don't think you (OP) are odd AT ALL!! I think it's just that people get so caught up in their own lives and families that it's hard for them to take on anyone new or even to "see" anyone new. When I became a mom for the first time and I was suddenly home after having always worked it was such a hard time for me. I was so lonely and depressed. I loved my baby but I was craving conversation with other adults and everybody I knew was at work. I prayed for over 3 years for God to bring me a friend and I continued on alone. I tried but there are no busier people on the planet than moms it seems. Finally God led me to the Bible study group where I attend on Tuesday mornings and it was been wonderful. Where I prayed for God to just send me one friend, he instead gave me 8 sisters, but it was in His timing. :grouphug: I pray that God would bring those people into your life who will be true family to you. God bless you. :grouphug:

[coffeefreak]

:grouphug:

 

I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

1. Christ actually chastised the church for not helping widows and children. In your case, I'm assuming some things, but the fact that your ex walked out on you classifies you as a "widow."

 

2. Churches that assume volunteers are somehow "employed," don't care about their members, they care about their numbers.

 

3. Pray about who your true friends are. Christian/Non-Christian whatever. I think as Christians, we expect our "Christian" friends to act a certain way, and what we find is a lot of them are just as selfish as the pharisees. I only read the first page, but Mrs. Mungo is right, I sometimes mistake a relationship with somebody at church, when it's not there. Pray about who you can call on in situations like these. If there's not anyone in your church family, than think about whether that's your fault, their fault, or both, and THEN decide whether you really want to stay there or not. As far as I'm concerned, the pastor was way out of line and should have helped you, but that's my opinion.

 

Blessings and :grouphug:

Dorinda

[kmacnchs]

I know you have had many responses and I have not read them all but a few things...

 

1. not all churches are like that! Ours is WAAY smaller (60 members) and even then people only serve in the nursery when they sign up, once every 2-3 mo, and we encourage people to "unsign" themselves up if they do not feel called (not just do it b/c it is needed).

 

2. I would encourage you NOT to leave the church right away. I think too many people leave churches b/c of a disagreement that never gets discussed. I think you should sit down with whomever you feel you should sit down with and open yourself up to them. God wants us, as Christians, to reconcile with each other.

 

3. (should probably be #1) I'm sorry you are having such a hard time (all around). Have you made any friends at the church or do you just serve all of the time? I know how that can be (all mine are littles so I spend a lot of time in the nursery) but it is important that you make connections with other women in the church so you can truly have support around you.:grouphug:

[babysparkler]

I also feel perhaps you would have been better off focusing on creating personal relationships, friendships, with people in the church instead of focusing on the church family. If you had close friends in the church I am sure they would be happy to help (as they would help any friend) with rides, etc.

 

 

 

:iagree: Coming from the wife of a church minister, there are way too many needs from the general congregation for those on staff to be able to coordinate/fill on their own. I wish more of our congregants would build personal relationships with one another and take some of the ministry pressures off of the church staff so that some of us wives would be able to see our hubbies a little more ;)... and I'm sure that applies to many (or most) churches. (BTW: It is Holy Week right now... so I'm missing my hubby who will continue to be MIA for the rest of the week until Easter is over... can you tell?)

 

:iagree: As a former Associate Pastor's wife, we are stretched thin and never have time for our own family if the congregation thinks we are at their beck and call. Forgive me, but the Christmas ornament expectation should have been dealt with a neighbor and not the church, IMO.

:iagree:

Edited March 29, 2010 by babysparkler

[Mrs Mungo]

One thing that bigger churches have going for them is that hopefully they have some sort of "small group ministry." These are groups of maybe 4-8 families that meet in each others' houses on a somewhat regular basis, and you get to know them well.

 

I agree. They might even have a singles ministry or a single parents group. :grouphug:

[happyhomemaker25]

I have not read ANY of the responses, but this, this blows my mind. I would go to the Pastor and talk to him about this. It's not acceptable behavior AT ALL! I have been in church for 31 years and most of the pastors I have been under would blow a GASKET to know that someone spoke to you like this. NOT ACCEPTABLE!

I do think we as a church body have failed in our responsiblities to single moms. It's huge on my heart. I am sorry you went through this.

My heart is breaking. If the Pastor takes no action on this, I would look for a new church.

[PineFarmMom]

Thank you to every single person that replied to this thread. Whether you told me I need to get off my behind and make more friends or whether you told me to go find a new church...whatever your feedback was I appreciate it. I genuinely do. I would not have asked if I did not want another perspective. For me leaving a church is HUGE. I believe in commitment and sticking it out. I don't want to be a bad example to my children of just up and leaving when the going gets tough. However, I need to know when it's time to hit the road. I will fully take into account what all of you have said and it means so much to me that you busy Moms took time out of your life to respond to me. I think that the problem really does boil down to me not having connected enough with members in order to build personal relationships. I mean it really does say something about my lack of real friendships when I have to ask the church office to take my ornaments down. I am glad someone pointed that out to me . The real problem is that I'm not building any personal friendships there. Maybe that is because I am in a church full of mostly married couples. I guess I did not realize how difficult it is for them to accept me. So maybe I will try to go to a bigger church and try to find a small group there where I can make it "feel" smaller and connect. Thanks again to everyone!! Your feedback has truly made my day!

 

What an awesome response and attitude you have about everything!!! :grouphug: to you. I will pray for you in all of this. I will also pay more attention to the needs of single moms in our congregation.

[Hedgehogs4]

wow...i'm am really sorry that this has happened to you. you have every reason to feel hurt and angry, on a very human level. i agree with every poster who said that the pastors are out of line and that the "family" concept means giving and taking. i'm hearing a big old gong that says, "hey church, you blew this one."

 

except for this one thing, nagging at my heart, and i say this with all humility. i'll say this because i know what you are talking about...i am the adult child of a single mom of three kids who did it all on her own, and was horribly mistreated by a church, not unlike what you are talking about, but even worse...but that's a story for another day.

 

when my family went through the kind of experience you are having, my mom went through a spiritual renewal because the Lord used the experience to show her that she was looking to sources other than him to supply her needs and to provide for her family. it was a very, very tough journey for us all--emotionally, financially and spiritually. but we learned as a family to lean on the Lord for our needs and in so doing, we literally witnessed miracles.

 

my humble advice is twofold. first and foremost, pour out the contents of your heart before the Father and ask him what you should do. forgive the pastor and the guy that offended you (even if you don't feel it) and ask the Lord for help. THEN, if the Lord shows you to do it, go to the pastor and explain what happened, and admonish him gently and in love. i personally believe that when we are angry, nothing should happen until we have our own hearts sorted out and have listened for the Father's voice..."search me o God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts, see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. (ps. 139) Then you will be able to make decisions from a place of peace and rest, not stress and woundedness. I really believe that the LORD will provide a solution to the problem, and that looking to the church to meet your needs is obviously not where you should be focusing at the moment (IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR YOU...I AM NOT MINIMIZING THIS IN ANY WAY!).

 

my heart is breaking for you. i truly pray that God will provide a solution to this situation quickly, and really--no nursery duty is just fine. tend to the needs of your household and let that go without looking back until this problem is sorted.

[Cammie]

Odd. Well I guess that sums it up. It would not be an odd request if you asked your husband to go into the garage to take down the decorations from the highest shelf in the garage that he had put them on. However if you are alone/elderly or just can't do it yourself, there is nothing odd about it. I cannot get on a ladder physically and my duaghter tried to do it but it was so high that we still could not reach them. My ex husband built ceiling shelves around the top of the garage before he left the country (He is in the Army). Even though he left, he would still come by the house and do things for us so I am at least thankful for that. However there are a TON of things that my ex husband did around the house. I think most wives call this their "Honey Do" List. It coudl be mechanical, electrical stuff or just reaching things on a super high shelf in the garage. It's not at all "odd" for someone to expect their husband to do this but if you don't have a husband to do it you will need to ask your friends. I guess I don't have enough friends. Working full time, homeschooling, and raising my kids and never being invited to anything socially at church makes it hard for me to make these friends. I do the best I can but at the end of the day I sometimes have to break down and ask for help. I hate that I have to ask. A part of me feared that people would think I was weird for asking . Now I know. It sucks not having a husband to do these things for me but I refuse to run out and get a boyfriend just to fill that void. I have to just continue to get through this season of my life until God sees fit to bring me to another season.

 

I am sorry. It seams I touched a nerve. What I was trying to express is that as the family of a pastor we were used to sharing him almost all the time. He was always out doing hospital visits, wedding rehearsals, bible studies, individual counseling, preparing sermons and services, involved in community religious events, etc, etc, etc. I would have thought it "odd" if someone called the church office for the type of help that a friend might typically lend. Yes, as you pointed out, if someone doesn't have a close friend like that then I guess the church is a logical place to turn. Again, I do feel for people who have not made a connection in their church familly. I think that it is important to establish those one-on-one friendships instead of relying on the church as a body. Just my two cents.

[TechWife]

You are correct in the fact that we ARE the church. People make up the church. And so I ask why so many people replying to this thread have told this woman that after 3 years of attending, she needs to get more connected. There is a suggestion in those comments that a single woman with four kids is responsible for the fact that the church she has attended is not stepping up to help its own. Is she supposed to hold up a sign on the corner to get their attention?

 

I don't care what century we are in, the church was never meant to be a business with a lot of overhead and programs. I've been part of many churches, I've seen how they operate, I see how people serve and where the focus is often put, and the church institution constantly has an agenda and the motives are not always pure. What this person experienced is a perfect example and this is more the norm from what I, personally, have experienced. "The church has to protect its own interests first and foremost," no kidding. The church's interests these days are its pastor salaries, bills, and "building fund" projects. The interest of the church was meant to be the people and I'm tired of hearing the excuses people make for it. There is often not a lot of tithing money left over to help the people that need it because it all goes to the church's bills. What if the church did what it was supposed to and told it's people to seek out people in their own lives that need support and put their money and time there? If the church directed people to their own neighborhoods and told them to get connected in the community instead of behind the walls of the institution, far more good would be getting done and people would not be relying on government assistance as much. But that can't happen because of all the people making excuses that it's ok for the church to take the focus, to "take care of it's own interests first and foremost", and the focus is put back on the person in need of help by telling them to go start a program and to get more connected. It makes my blood boil.

:iagree:

[TechWife]

You better than anyone know what single parents need! Work alongside the pastor to develop a care group for those in the church that might have needs such as yourself. The possibilities are endless!

The single parents who have needs are not the ones that need to be forming a group to help them out. They do not have the time, energy or resources to carry this off. They would end up helping other single parents and still possibly not get the help they need.

[justamouse]

You are correct in the fact that we ARE the church. People make up the church. And so I ask why so many people replying to this thread have told this woman that after 3 years of attending, she needs to get more connected. There is a suggestion in those comments that a single woman with four kids is responsible for the fact that the church she has attended is not stepping up to help its own. Is she supposed to hold up a sign on the corner to get their attention?

 

I don't care what century we are in, the church was never meant to be a business with a lot of overhead and programs. I've been part of many churches, I've seen how they operate, I see how people serve and where the focus is often put, and the church institution constantly has an agenda and the motives are not always pure. What this person experienced is a perfect example and this is more the norm from what I, personally, have experienced. "The church has to protect its own interests first and foremost," no kidding. The church's interests these days are its pastor salaries, bills, and "building fund" projects. The interest of the church was meant to be the people and I'm tired of hearing the excuses people make for it. There is often not a lot of tithing money left over to help the people that need it because it all goes to the church's bills. What if the church did what it was supposed to and told it's people to seek out people in their own lives that need support and put their money and time there? If the church directed people to their own neighborhoods and told them to get connected in the community instead of behind the walls of the institution, far more good would be getting done and people would not be relying on government assistance as much. But that can't happen because of all the people making excuses that it's ok for the church to take the focus, to "take care of it's own interests first and foremost", and the focus is put back on the person in need of help by telling them to go start a program and to get more connected. It makes my blood boil.

 

You are made of WIN. :iagree::iagree::iagree:

[kelouis75]

I am so totally speechless right now! I had the best church family in Michigan (we STILL talk after 2 1/2 years in a new state) and I have the best church family in our new state.

 

PLEASE look for a new church family. Personally that to me sounds like a large Church. The best churches I have found were small (REALLY small) The church we went to in Mi had maybe 25 families and the church we go to now has about the same (although our town had a whopping 3000ppl) :grouphug: NO not all churches are like that.

 

I do suggest you go to church leadership humbly and talk with them about why you are looking for a new church family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

It's interesting that you mentioned 25 families. I'm beginning to think that 25-50 families really is the best size for people to opperate like a "church family". Of course that has pluses and minuses depending upon how healthy the "church family" is.

 

Ideally, the church would still grow, but divide in half (like a cell) at 50 families. Then 25 families would meet at one particular time and place, and the whole growth pattern would occur again.

 

To ILOVEMY4BLESSINGS: I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. There have been many good suggestions. I hope and pray that you find a good groups of believers with whom you can connect.

[kelouis75]

When a church is run like a business you get treated like an employee.

 

Imagine the weight of your burden if the hearts of these people were actually turned in the right direction. I believe that there are good and willing hearts that desire to help. But many churches keep the eyes of its body on the institution itself. They want it running like a well-oiled machine and people have become distracted with so much busyness that they are not connecting properly and not in tune with the needs of others sitting right next to them. You should not have to scream out, "I need help!" The body is meant to know each other and to be one. It should be natural.

 

I imagine there are good churches out there somewhere because I believe in the goodness of people, but the church business needs to get out of the way of the love. You may give up on this church, but don't give up on people.

:iagree:This is the whole problem, many churches are run like businesses, not like a living and breathing entity-- a body. The members are not treated like the body of Christ-- with Christ being the head. The Holy Spirit is not regarded or either has become a spectacle. :confused:

 

Often times pastors are seen as the head-- or worse, as the CEO. Yes, I have seen a pastor give himself this title.:glare:

[kelouis75]

Thank you to every single person that replied to this thread. Whether you told me I need to get off my behind and make more friends or whether you told me to go find a new church...whatever your feedback was I appreciate it. I genuinely do. I would not have asked if I did not want another perspective. For me leaving a church is HUGE. I believe in commitment and sticking it out. I don't want to be a bad example to my children of just up and leaving when the going gets tough. However, I need to know when it's time to hit the road. I will fully take into account what all of you have said and it means so much to me that you busy Moms took time out of your life to respond to me. I think that the problem really does boil down to me not having connected enough with members in order to build personal relationships. I mean it really does say something about my lack of real friendships when I have to ask the church office to take my ornaments down. I am glad someone pointed that out to me . The real problem is that I'm not building any personal friendships there. Maybe that is because I am in a church full of mostly married couples. I guess I did not realize how difficult it is for them to accept me. So maybe I will try to go to a bigger church and try to find a small group there where I can make it "feel" smaller and connect. Thanks again to everyone!! Your feedback has truly made my day!

 

That is a good a idea a lot of bigger churches can have niche groups because of their size. So you may find yourself connected with a great group of other moms (singled and married).

 

I know that happened to me. We have met some really loving and genuine people that way.

[EmeraldGirl]

Where do you live and can I come help you?? I was a single mom, twice, and completely understand your position of not wanting to ask for help until you really need it. I was so blessed to be in a church that lived what it taught, and ministered greatly to my children and I. Now that I am remarried and at a different church, my older sons still have great relationships with the dads of the families who reached out to us, and the women are still my friends.

 

So, no, not all churches as like this and my head is spinning in disbelief and sadness for you. Is there anyway you can speak with the pastor or an elder and have a honest to goodness talk with them and express what you posted? If they really care, I am sure they will want to work through this with you. Otherwise, it might be time to pray for the Lord to show you where you can find protection and help in another church.

 

Hugs coming to you.

[Mommyof4ks]

I agree those pastors are way out of line!

 

A bigger church may be just what you need though, because in that time frame you should have been able to make many strong friendships within the church. The bigger the 'friend pool' the easier it is to find some people you click with. We have small groups at our church for various segments of our church (young families, singles, college kids, and so on), and we can form strong friendships through these groups. At our church there is likely someone who owns a salvage yard that could help you out with an engine for your car. These are the kinds of things that the church is there to help people with!

[iluvmy4blessings]

We would have come and hauled your stuff out of the attic for you. ;)

I mean, it would have taken all of 15 minutes.... LOL!

 

Too sweet!! THANKS!!!!

[iluvmy4blessings]

Where do you live and can I come help you?? I was a single mom, twice, and completely understand your position of not wanting to ask for help until you really need it. I was so blessed to be in a church that lived what it taught, and ministered greatly to my children and I. Now that I am remarried and at a different church, my older sons still have great relationships with the dads of the families who reached out to us, and the women are still my friends.

 

So, no, not all churches as like this and my head is spinning in disbelief and sadness for you. Is there anyway you can speak with the pastor or an elder and have a honest to goodness talk with them and express what you posted? If they really care, I am sure they will want to work through this with you. Otherwise, it might be time to pray for the Lord to show you where you can find protection and help in another church.

 

Hugs coming to you.

 

 

I live in Texas but thank you so much for offering!! I sooo appreciate it!!! This has helped me to really think all of this through.

 

I wanted to add that I did speak with both Pastors regarding this issue. I tried to explain things in a nice way and I just wanted to explain to them that I felt that I could not do the nursery for awhile. That I had worked every Sunday from 8:45-12:30 for the past 2 months and with everything happening with my car etc. I really needed some time off. They finally agreed to it but the next morning the executive Pastor called me at home and said that after he had gone home last night and thought about our conversation, he began to wonder what was really so stressful about the nursery that I could not do it anymore. He said after he thought about it, he could not really understand my need for time off. So I guess we just agreed to disagree. The whole thing was very strange. I am going to start doing my research on other churches. I do live in a big city and it's not like I don't have plenty to choose from. I hate to have to move on but sometimes it's best. Will keep praying about it and thanks again!!!

[Pink Fairy]

I tried to explain things in a nice way and I just wanted to explain to them that I felt that I could not do the nursery for awhile. That I had worked every Sunday from 8:45-12:30 for the past 2 months and with everything happening with my car etc. I really needed some time off. They finally agreed to it but the next morning the executive Pastor called me at home and said that after he had gone home last night and thought about our conversation, he began to wonder what was really so stressful about the nursery that I could not do it anymore. He said after he thought about it, he could not really understand my need for time off.

 

:001_huh: He said that? Wow. I don't even know what to say, except that I'm glad you are looking for a new church.

[Ibbygirl]

but the next morning the executive Pastor called me at home and said that after he had gone home last night and thought about our conversation, he began to wonder what was really so stressful about the nursery that I could not do it anymore. He said after he thought about it, he could not really understand my need for time off. So I guess we just agreed to disagree. The whole thing was very strange. I am going to start doing my research on other churches. I do live in a big city and it's not like I don't have plenty to choose from. I hate to have to move on but sometimes it's best. Will keep praying about it and thanks again!!!

 

I wonder if he has ever served in the children's ministry.:confused::confused: There is a reason churches are always trying to fill those positions. People don't last long. I've served with the babies, the 2 year olds and 3 year olds and they are totally exhausting!! I just cannot imagine him calling you and telling you this. It's just beyond icky! :ack2:. I really wish you lived closer to me. I think you would totally love my church. It's so easy to get plugged in there and they have so much for single moms and kids. You can't be there for too long without people wanting to love on you and hug you. I have so many dear sisters that I've met through my church. I really hope that you can find some place where you and your kids can feel home and part of a family. Big hugs to you mama! And thank you for all your service in the nursery. I've BTDT too and it's not easy. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I live in Texas but thank you so much for offering!! I sooo appreciate it!!! This has helped me to really think all of this through.

 

I wanted to add that I did speak with both Pastors regarding this issue. I tried to explain things in a nice way and I just wanted to explain to them that I felt that I could not do the nursery for awhile. That I had worked every Sunday from 8:45-12:30 for the past 2 months and with everything happening with my car etc. I really needed some time off. They finally agreed to it but the next morning the executive Pastor called me at home and said that after he had gone home last night and thought about our conversation, he began to wonder what was really so stressful about the nursery that I could not do it anymore. He said after he thought about it, he could not really understand my need for time off. So I guess we just agreed to disagree. The whole thing was very strange. I am going to start doing my research on other churches. I do live in a big city and it's not like I don't have plenty to choose from. I hate to have to move on but sometimes it's best. Will keep praying about it and thanks again!!!

 

See, I would have a big problem with this. He not respecting you and your ability to know when things are too much for you. And somehow he's missing the fact that if you are doing that every Sunday for 2 months that you are missing out on all the teaching of the church. I go to church for my spiritual food as well as fellowship with other believers. You aren't getting that. Sorry that this church is not working out well for you.

[happyhomemaker25]

Every time I read through Acts it really hits me that the way we do "church" is not the way God ever intended it to be done.

It's so eye opening.

All these programs and entertainment are man made. Tell me where even Sunday school and nursery care are mentioned in the Bible. Really.

Not that I am totally against them. Our family does not participate, but we don't necessarily disagree with the programs.

I am always trying to convince my friend who heads our children's ministry and is NEVER in church to just say one Sunday a month all the kids have to be in church because she does not have enough help. She would never do that, but it would open the eyes to some of these parents who use it as a babysitting service and don't sign up to work a week.

I don't think it's the Pastor's place to always drop everything and do it all either. But there needs to be some sort of leadership group to facillitate making sure that needs are being met. That is Biblical. When it was too much for Peter and the others to teach and disciple and minister to all the people, they set up some trusted men to take care of the ministry aspect. That freed them up to teach, preach, and disciple. Now we rely on our Pastors for everything.

Calling the church office to let them know of a need you had was GREAT! I mean how can we know if we are not told. Our pastor knowing that he could not make it out to help you would have shot an email out to the congregation and he would have fully expected SOMEONE to show up and help you.

 

I can't believe the Pastor said that. I just can't believe it. My heart is broken for you.

Maybe I am just babbling here, it is 4am and I can't sleep. I jhe just feel so very passionate about how far off track I believe the church has gone.

I will step off my soap box.. for now. Move to FL, honey. I will help you set up a GREAT support network. :grouphug:

 

I don't know how the big smiley ended up in the subject line.. sorry.

[Cammie]

BTW, I asked my mom, a pastor's wife for 30 plus years and someone who worked in the church office of every church we were ever at what her reaction would have been to your situation. I wanted to see if I was out of touch.

 

She did feel that the whole "months notice" thing was ridiculous and she had never, ever heard of any such thing in the context of volunteering at a church.

 

Regarding the Christmas decorations, she thought you might have had a better response if you called and asked for a recommendation of a teenager from the church you could hire for an hour to help you out. I thought that seemed like a reasonable way to proceed in the future so I thought I would pass it on.

[4kids4me]

The single parents who have needs are not the ones that need to be forming a group to help them out. They do not have the time, energy or resources to carry this off. They would end up helping other single parents and still possibly not get the help they need.

 

As you can see, my original point was that churches run like this and there's no getting around it. Personally I wouldn't be a part of that. I then said IF she wants to do something and gave her an alternative. As you can see she's working EVERY single week anyway. I also said she could be part of forming a group to serve single parents and those that have similar needs and that the possibilities were endless. She doesn't have to give 10 hours a week to it, she can collaborate with someone, or go about it any way that would suit her.

[coffeefreak]

I live in Texas but thank you so much for offering!! I sooo appreciate it!!! This has helped me to really think all of this through.

 

I wanted to add that I did speak with both Pastors regarding this issue. I tried to explain things in a nice way and I just wanted to explain to them that I felt that I could not do the nursery for awhile. That I had worked every Sunday from 8:45-12:30 for the past 2 months and with everything happening with my car etc. I really needed some time off. They finally agreed to it but the next morning the executive Pastor called me at home and said that after he had gone home last night and thought about our conversation, he began to wonder what was really so stressful about the nursery that I could not do it anymore. He said after he thought about it, he could not really understand my need for time off. So I guess we just agreed to disagree. The whole thing was very strange. I am going to start doing my research on other churches. I do live in a big city and it's not like I don't have plenty to choose from. I hate to have to move on but sometimes it's best. Will keep praying about it and thanks again!!!

 

:grouphug:

 

This makes me so sad. I am so sorry for you. No one in our church questions when people can't/don't serve. They believe that's between you and the Lord. Our church really encourages new members to "connect" before serving. For at least a year, but preferably 2. That's not to say the won't let you serve, but they really want you to make some friends and be a part of the community first. I pray that's the kind of church you find.

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

Edited March 31, 2010 by coffeefreak

[Jenny in GA]

I wanted to add that I did speak with both Pastors regarding this issue. I tried to explain things in a nice way and I just wanted to explain to them that I felt that I could not do the nursery for awhile. That I had worked every Sunday from 8:45-12:30 for the past 2 months and with everything happening with my car etc. I really needed some time off. They finally agreed to it but the next morning the executive Pastor called me at home and said that after he had gone home last night and thought about our conversation, he began to wonder what was really so stressful about the nursery that I could not do it anymore. He said after he thought about it, he could not really understand my need for time off.

 

Wow, he made a point to CALL you to say that?!

 

While I was reading this, I thought you were going to say that he called to offer help with your car or some other nice gesture.

 

That almost sounds like mild harrassment, to call you just to say, "I don't get what your problem is. Why can't you do it? What's the matter with you?" after you already had that conversation.

 

Sheesh.

 

Jenny

[Kimm in WA]

I haven't read all of the other posts, but I am in major crisis right now. I've been surprised at who has "shown up" and who hasn't. People that I thought would be right at my side have not been and it's been baffling. I think, to a certain extent (at least in my situation), people feel like they'll be bugging me, that I have a lot on my mind and to worry about ...or they are respecting me by giving me space... these are things they have actually said. SO, I think a lot of this has to do with differing personalities and ability (for them) to cope with people's needs. If they haven't experienced loss, they don't know what would be helpful. If they have not been ill for an extended time, they don't know what would be helpful in that situation. We are such a busy society - people can hardly take time to be sensitive to others' needs, or even slow down to ponder what those needs might be. Of course that's not good, but being on the needing end I've had to reach out to say "hey, I could use help with ..." or "would you be willing to..." People are more than happy to help in situations like that, it seems, but if they don't know your needs they give the generic "let me know if I can do anything".

 

FWIW,

Kimm

[angela in ohio]

I haven't read all of the other posts, but I am in major crisis right now. I've been surprised at who has "shown up" and who hasn't. People that I thought would be right at my side have not been and it's been baffling.

 

I had some eeds a few months ago after breaking my foot and ankle, and I was similarly surprised. Those I had helped with many things for many years weren't there for me, but random people I didn't even cared helped me. It made me start to think that there are 'givers' and 'takers' and few who are both. So it really doesn't come out "even." I think you have to know who needs you and who you can count on in a time of need and not expect that it will be the same people. That was a big lesson for me!

 

We are going through something now in our family, and we have been surprised by the people who we knew less well who have stepped up to love us, and those who we thought cared (and said so) who have shown us no love at all.

[Lightly Salted]

Regarding the Christmas decorations, she thought you might have had a better response if you called and asked for a recommendation of a teenager from the church you could hire for an hour to help you out. I thought that seemed like a reasonable way to proceed in the future so I thought I would pass it on.

 

Our church would be very likely to direct it to my DH (the Music and Student Minister) so that he could grab a couple of willing teenagers to help with stuff like that - just last week, they helped an elderly woman with furniture moving. No, the staff can't always do everything, but should be willing to help facilitate the church in being the body, serving one another.

 

OP, I'm very sorry your pastor responded like that about your nursery service. You should be able to step back as needed, ESPECIALLY after working for two months straight! I'm truly not quick to say 'find a new church' but in this instance, if leadership is that hard-hearted, I can't see a better alternative. :grouphug:

[teamturner]

I think your expectations may have been a little...too hopeful. For example, getting the Xmas decorations down. I think my family would have helped but found it odd that someone expected that to be part of the church's responsibilities. Like a pp said, churches tend to focus on the big needs - helping people facing death and illness, facing relationship crisis, etc.

 

 

 

I'm not too sure about this. We attend a church about her church's size. My dh was a deacon and he had a few widows that he checked up on to see if they needed help w/anything around the house. And they knew they could call him if something came up. I think this is a Biblical job description of a deacon, or at least part of it. Our church has elders also but they do the ruling and shepherding type things.

[Danestress]

to ask a husband. And I also don't think it's odd to ask a neighbor or friend who is around anyway - or a repair guy who is there with a ladder anyway. I do think it's a little odd to call a church office to get down a box off the top shelf. "Odd" doesn't mean, "wrong." Just maybe not what people expect. I don't think churches really can meet all of our needs through official ministries, and that's what actual friends are for. Rather than call the church office, I would expect you to call a friend, and it sounds like maybe the church problem here is that you aren't being truly befriended and that's a deep need.

 

You need real friends or good neighbors or something. You could also offer to barter babysitting in exchange for some help with these things. Maybe one of the Dads of the kids in your nursery could do that - trade a few hours of sitting for a few hours of help. But even if you had that, you still need friends. We all do. Sometimes church can be very disappointing. I'm sorry. I've experienced that, too, in different ways.

 

Also, maybe you could learn to do some mechanical and electrical stuff. It's not that hard - I am always surprised at what I can do if I really set out to learn it. There is nothing on the Y chromosome that is exclusively for "fixing stuff."

Edited April 1, 2010 by Danestress

[iluvmy4blessings]

Also, maybe you could learn to do some mechanical and electrical stuff. It's not that hard - I am always surprised at what I can do if I really set out to learn it. There is nothing on the Y chromosome that is exclusively for "fixing stuff."

 

Considering I've survived 4 years now as a single mom, I'd say learning to do some mechanical and electrical stuff has been something I had to do regardless. No choice in the matter. I do everything that I can physically do regarding anything and everything from toilets to the car. What I can't do is grow 4 feet taller to get something off the top shelf even with the ladder. I could have my teenage daughter do it and we tried. Unfortunately, she also cannot grow 4 feet taller to reach them even from the top of the ladder. Believe it or not, it's a lot higher than you think when it's a built in shelf around the ceiling of the garage. We're short. I called the church to see if anyone (not church staff necessarily) could do it. I called the Youth Pastor (so maybe I did not clarify that in original post). I called him b/c I assumed that a teenager might be alerted and he pretty much never put the word out. Then he finally just came over himself and I did pay him for it. Just in case anyone thinks I am really asking random people to do things for free :)

 

In case anyone wondered, I have a new car!! My parents actually decided to bless me by sending me money to buy a 2009 Kia Sedona with only 20,000 miles at Carmax. Paid for it in CASH. So what started out as a bad thing ended up as a major blessing. Our old car had no AC and that is tough in Texas heat. Now we have all kinds of AC amongst other things not to mention a practically new minivan with 4 years left of warranty and no car payments. I feel very blessed!!!

Edited April 6, 2010 by iluvmy4blessings

[SonshineLearner]

That's awesome!!

[coffeefreak]

Considering I've survived 4 years now as a single mom, I'd say learning to do some mechanical and electrical stuff has been something I had to do regardless. No choice in the matter. I do everything that I can physically do regarding anything and everything from toilets to the car. What I can't do is grow 4 feet taller to get something off the top shelf even with the ladder. I could have my teenage daughter do it and we tried. Unfortunately, she also cannot grow 4 feet taller to reach them even from the top of the ladder. Believe it or not, it's a lot higher than you think when it's a built in shelf around the ceiling of the garage. We're short. I called the church to see if anyone (not church staff necessarily) could do it. I called the Youth Pastor (so maybe I did not clarify that in original post). I called him b/c I assumed that a teenager might be alerted and he pretty much never put the word out. Then he finally just came over himself and I did pay him for it. Just in case anyone thinks I am really asking random people to do things for free :)

 

In case anyone wondered, I have a new car!! My parents actually decided to bless me by sending me money to buy a 2009 Kia Sedona with only 20,000 miles at Carmax. Paid for it in CASH. So what started out as a bad thing ended up as a major blessing. Our old car had no AC and that is tough in Texas heat. Now we have all kinds of AC amongst other things not to mention a practically new minivan with 4 years left of warranty and no car payments. I feel very blessed!!!

 

:party:

 

Yeah God!!!!

 

You paid your youth minister?!?! And he ACCEPTED!!!! I would have paid a teen, but the Youth Minister?!? I am going to pray for your next church to be more, shall we say, giving?:grouphug:

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[Jean in Newcastle]

How wonderful about the new car!