This sounds kind of bad to say...

[cougarmom4]

But has there ever been a time you didn't like one of your kids very much? And how did you change that?

 

Of course, I love ds12. The reality is that I love HIM but his attitude and behavior are the parts I don't like. We've had a rough week with lots of arguments and lots of Mom-losing-it-yelling moments. I feel sad. I don't want this to be how our relationship is.

 

How do you feel the love again when you're kinda worn out & tired of it all?

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

You just do.

 

My 14 y.o. with autism is wonderful, quirky, charming. And she is....challenging. Difficult. Some days I don't like her very much. (Some days I don't like her at all.)

 

I don't know how to explain it in any other way than "You just do." Some days I have to really dig deep to find it. I make an extra effort to remember what I do like about her. I tell myself repeatedly, "I love this child" and try my best to react with love instead of anger. I look at her baby pictures. I look for those chinks in the armor when she'll let me in for just a second to tell her or show her that I love her, and I pray for strength and guidance for both of us.

 

Your ds is 12. For both of my older children, 12-13 was the most trying, challenging age in this particular area.

 

I believe our mother love is like the ocean. The storms on the top won't reach to the bottom. Even when we're getting tossed about on the sea, our relationships with our children are anchored deep and the storms will pass.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[MamaSheep]

Have you read any of the Love and Logic books? I've found that a lot of the things in there help me in situations like that with both of my kids.

[fairfarmhand]

YES! Have a VERY strong willed oldest dd, 12. During the years from ages 2-5 it was so hard. Here recently it was around year 11 that things were bad again. This second period got so much better when she started having normal female cycles. I would wake up every morning and tell myself. "It will be ok. When she pushes me, I will not lose my temper. When she does ___ I will not ____. I will enforce the consequences that we have in place calmly." We put the behavior ball in her court. She knew what the rules were and what would happen if she didn't follow them. It helped my family to have rules written out and stick to a routine. Writing things out helped us avoid the great debate of what I said, what she thought I meant, blah blah blah.....When we got the behavior under control we were able to do fun stuff again and enjoy it. For awhile, we avoided doing fun stuff because she made us just as miserable during the fun times as she would normally. I don't know if any of this helps you or not; don't know whether we did the right things or not; just know that I have been there and it does get better.

[jillian]

Yes!!!! lately dd has been being a "typical" 2 year old--tantrums and all. it's so out of character for her that i just am so frustrated and i just don't like her very much some days. i fully understand

[Night Elf]

How do you feel the love again when you're kinda worn out & tired of it all?

 

Remember that moment when you first saw him and knew you loved him unconditionally.

[Jana]

I understand what you are saying. But you don't wait for the feeling--it may not come for a while.

 

Often when this happens to me, I have grown distant from the child. It helps if I work to reconnect in someway. If I can find a way to get behind their eyes--see their narrative--I have a lot more compassion/understanding for their behavior. What does this kid like to do? Find a way to play along with him or at least take in interest in what he is passionate about. Work to find positive time with them.

 

But negative feelings are a natural part of any relationship. They have to be acknowledged and modulated. This can be tricky when people are counting on you for kindness and affection.

 

Nobody told me this stuff about motherhood. I often find myself saying, "Hey, I didn't sign up for this!"

[LG Gone Wild]

Yes. All the time.

 

But then there are his baby pictures and I wish most desperately that I hadn't wasted all that time being angry and harsh (even though he's ... well, he is what he is).

[Sophia]

I remember being shocked when my oldest was 12 and I realized I just did not like him very much.

 

It was sad.

 

But I reminded myself that love is a choice, ds was not going to stay obnoxious forever (and thank heaven he didn't) and I really, really tried not to take his bad behavior so personally. That was hard.

:grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

Yes. I had to have therapy.

[cougarmom4]

 

 

 

I believe our mother love is like the ocean. The storms on the top won't reach to the bottom. Even when we're getting tossed about on the sea, our relationships with our children are anchored deep and the storms will pass.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

 

Ah, that is a nice way of looking at things. It gives me hope...

 

Thanks for the comments. I guess I just needed to feel like I wasn't alone. This parenting stuff is harder than I ever imagined it would be!

[cougarmom4]

Nobody told me this stuff about motherhood. I often find myself saying, "Hey, I didn't sign up for this!"

 

:iagree:

[Tree House Academy]

But has there ever been a time you didn't like one of your kids very much? And how did you change that?

 

Of course, I love ds12. The reality is that I love HIM but his attitude and behavior are the parts I don't like. We've had a rough week with lots of arguments and lots of Mom-losing-it-yelling moments. I feel sad. I don't want this to be how our relationship is.

 

How do you feel the love again when you're kinda worn out & tired of it all?

 

Absolutely 100%. I feel you. I LOVE my ds10, but there are times that it is hard to LIKE him. He is very much oil and I am very much water and we struggle a lot to find our balance together.

 

We actually go to therapy together for help with this. He goes for behavior issues related to ADHD and anxiety, but part of the therapy is helping me help him. It has really helped us form a bond out of what we do have in common and what we can understand about each other. It has also helped me re-direct my attention to the things he needs from me, which are surprisingly simple once you get to the bottom of things. He wants to feel more accepted for who he is - challenges and all. Don't we all want that? And i never realized that getting on to him for his behaviors was causing him to feel unaccepted that deeply. Therapy has been a real help to us.

 

I hope you and your ds can start to find your way again too. *hug*

[delaney]

Yes, every other day with my almost 4 year old, every third day with my 9 1/2 yr old, and once per week with my 6 year old.....just depends on the day and how many buttons they feel like pushing. At the end of the day they get tucked into bed, kissed goodnight, and I hope for a fresh start the next day!

[Peela]

Yes. I am struggling with this with my 14yo ds at the moment. Actally, its not so much that I dont love him. Its thatI dont want to homeschool him if he is going to continue to fight me. I dont want to spend all day with someone who resists me. When he was younger, I was obviously the more powerful. Now, he is getting too powerful and I just dont want to do it any more. I would rather he fight the school system than me.

[jld]

Ages 3 and 4 are hard for me. To be honest, 1 and 2 aren't that easy, either, lol. Ds4 is getting close to five now, and I really see some maturing going on, so that is encouraging. I think 5 and 6 are fun ages, and just decided yesterday that I really like age 7, too!

 

The older my kids get, the more I enjoy them, I think. I learn a ton from dd14 (soon to be 15), and even from ds11. I like to be able to argue different sides of an issue with my kids, and that's easier when the kids are older and are really able to do that competently.

[Joker]

Remember that moment when you first saw him and knew you loved him unconditionally.

 

 

:iagree:My older dd has been my strong - willed child. There have been moments where I was so worried I had lost something - that I would have trouble feeling the same about her. I just remember what it felt like to see her (my first child) and I remember how happy I was in that moment and how much I loved her. It's actually really helped me. I'm able to find that "happy place" and approach her with love and not hostility or anger or disappointment or... I hope you figure it out.

[OrganicAnn]

yes. I have. My DH and I decided the I needed to spend some fun time with her every week. Because I get all the stuff that isn't fun and my DH gets to do most of the playing. So we have fun nights on Friday and Saturday night when she gets to pick fun stuff to do. Yoyos and rootbeer are often involved.

[Melissa in Australia]

Yes. I am struggling with this with my 14yo ds at the moment. Actally, its not so much that I dont love him. Its thatI dont want to homeschool him if he is going to continue to fight me. I dont want to spend all day with someone who resists me. When he was younger, I was obviously the more powerful. Now, he is getting too powerful and I just dont want to do it any more. I would rather he fight the school system than me.

hang in there Peela. I have found 15 -16 year old's suddenly realize why they need an education and settle down. ( a little)

[gaillardia]

hang in there Peela. I have found 15 -16 year old's suddenly realize why they need an education and settle down. ( a little)

:iagree:Fourth time dealing with a 13 yos and he is driving everybody in the family crazy.

Then I remind his obs that they were just like that. They do eventually settle down and realize they have to knock it off. It is weird, they act like they are unreachable. Figure, hormones, changing lives, thinking about stuff they might not want us to know they're thinking about...love them anyway....:001_tt1: