Please Help - dd growing up (female content)

[Joker]

My 10 yr dd is noticeably changing and growing. We have never hid things from her and will always answer any questions honestly, but she doesn't want to know. I decided to buy her the The Care and Keeping of You (an American Girl book) so she could read through it on her own and ask any questions she felt comfortable asking. My worry was that she would end up having her first period and not know what it was and freak out. She freaked out anyway! I will say, for the first time ever she finally asked a lot of questions, but she freaked out about the answers. This dd does not like to see blood, hear about blood, etc. I explained over and over. She seemed to calm down and then asked how long she would have her period. When I told her she would have one every month till she was older she started crying all over again. I knew it would not be easy with her because she is so sensitive but I didn't expect it to be this bad. Her younger sister knows all about periods, etc and is fine with the information. Has anyone here had to deal with getting this information to such a sensitive dd? Any other book suggestions? We are a Christian family so any cc materials are ok - as well as non-cc materials. Thanks in advance!!

[MelanieM]

Would it help if you spoke to her in terms of this being something to celebrate? I know women who have "red parties" when their daughters start their cycles, turning the event into a very special rite of passage. This can be anything from a private mama/daughter day to a celebration with the girl being attended by a circle of women family members and friends.

 

I wish I had more concrete suggestions to offer. I hope you find the right words or tools to help sooth and reassure her.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Are you sure that she knows that even though it is blood, it doesn't hurt like a cut hurts?

[LauraGB]

Would it help if you spoke to her in terms of this being something to celebrate? I know women who have "red parties" when their daughters start their cycles, turning the event into a very special rite of passage. This can be anything from a private mama/daughter day to a celebration with the girl being attended by a circle of women family members and friends.

 

I wish I had more concrete suggestions to offer. I hope you find the right words or tools to help sooth and reassure her.

 

:iagree: Celebrate this rite of passage! Make it a cool thing (okay, I have troubles myself with thinking it's all that great, but at her age, I think it is best to make it a *really big deal* and celebrate it as such rather than than than describing it as just a new way of life, which seems too complicated and troublesome). Dh gave dd flowers when it happened for her (it was something we read about another Hive dad doing and we thought it was touching).

[Joker]

I've explained that it doesn't hurt like a cut and she said, "How do you know it won't hurt me?". I've approached it as a good thing as well. I'll just keep on trying. I guess I'll wait a few days and see if she brings it up with me again and if not I will approach her. I don't want her worrying or thinking it is a bad thing. My dh and I both talked with her today but she was just really upset. I know she needs to know these things now because I notice her body is changing but I feel she just really isn't ready emotionally/mentally so it's weird. I didn't start developing until late and I didn't start my period until I was 15, so this is new to me trying to explain it to a 10 year old. Thanks for the advice so far.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Get the book a Chickens guide to talking turkey with your kids about sex. ITs by Kathy Flores Bell.

 

 

It teaches parents how to have "kitchen table" talks with your kids in a non intimidation/gross them out sort of way.

 

My daughter will be 12 April 1 and THANK YOU LORD she hasnt started yet. I have memorized that book! Its awesome!

Im going to PM you now.... sorry lol

Edited March 19, 2010 by wy_kid_wrangler04

[Joker]

Get the book a Chickens guide to talking turkey with your kids about sex. ITs by Kathy Flores Bell.

 

 

It teaches parents how to have "kitchen table" talks with your kids in a non intimidation/gross them out sort of way.

 

My daughter will be 12 April 1 and THANK YOU LORD she hasnt started yet. I have memorized that book! Its awesome!

Im going to PM you now.... sorry lol

 

Thanks so much for the rec'd. I read your pm but don't want to take your book. I attack books - I write in them, highlight them, I totally own them. :tongue_smilie: I did find out that I could get it as an ebook for pretty cheap. I am glad to find a book that talks to the parents more than the kids. I need more guidance in how to deal with my older dd. She just really doesn't want to learn about these things. Again, thanks so much and I will definitely be reading through this one.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

:iagree: Celebrate this rite of passage! Make it a cool thing (okay, I have troubles myself with thinking it's all that great, but at her age, I think it is best to make it a *really big deal* and celebrate it as such rather than than than describing it as just a new way of life, which seems too complicated and troublesome). Dh gave dd flowers when it happened for her (it was something we read about another Hive dad doing and we thought it was touching).

 

Am I the only one who would have wanted to DIE if my family had 'celebrated' this rite of passage with me? I just can't imagine how mortified I would have been if my father gave me flowers when I started my period. Or if a bunch of women (even just my mom!) had a celebration for me. Um, no thanks. Obviously some daughters would appreciate it, but if the op's daughter hasn't even wanted to discuss this with her mom before now, she may not appreciate the publicity.

[Anstar]

She (and you) have about six months from buds to menarche. And definately celebrate it!

 

All the manufacturers of feminine products that I can think of have websites with teen content (pretty stuff, really) that may be interesting to her. Plus there's alternative options like lunapads that strive to celebrate a woman's cycle in a postive, inspiring way.

[PiCO]

Am I the only one who would have wanted to DIE if my family had 'celebrated' this rite of passage with me? I just can't imagine how mortified I would have been if my father gave me flowers when I started my period. Or if a bunch of women (even just my mom!) had a celebration for me. Um, no thanks. Obviously some daughters would appreciate it, but if the op's daughter hasn't even wanted to discuss this with her mom before now, she may not appreciate the publicity.

:iagree:

I'm with you. I didn't even tell my mom when I got my first period. I just used up all her supplies.

[Joker]

Am I the only one who would have wanted to DIE if my family had 'celebrated' this rite of passage with me? I just can't imagine how mortified I would have been if my father gave me flowers when I started my period. Or if a bunch of women (even just my mom!) had a celebration for me. Um, no thanks. Obviously some daughters would appreciate it, but if the op's daughter hasn't even wanted to discuss this with her mom before now, she may not appreciate the publicity.

 

See, I am worried that I'm going to scar her or something. I didn't have these talks with my mom. I've seen many threads on here that would assume I was a bad mom because she doesn't know about sex yet, but she's not ready to understand her own body yet. Her sister is 2 1/2 yrs younger but has asked certain questions and has been given all the answers. My older dd isn't less intelligent, she just really doesn't want to know. I know she doesn't want her first period to be a big thing but I want her to know what to expect. Arrgh, I feel totally out of my element right now and hope I am able to communicate with my dd what she needs.

[nd293]

I've explained that it doesn't hurt like a cut and she said, "How do you know it won't hurt me?".

 

My 9yr old is developing, and I recently checked that she knew about periods - I have mentioned it in passing since she was much younger, but wanted to check that she had a clear understanding.

 

Have you really explained where the blood comes from? That it's not a cut? I said something along the lines of "Your body starts practicing for making a baby. When there is a baby, it needs somewhere soft to form, so your body makes a spongy bed, and that's what comes out when you have your period."

 

As for the "it doesn't hurt", well, it kind of does, so if you're going with honesty here, you'd best prepare her for possible stomach cramps...

 

Puberty definitely seems to be arriving earlier for girls today, and it makes it very hard for us as mothers. I am sure I was around 12 when I was given something to read about periods. Yet here I am needing to prepare a 9yr old. Still, she's being raised with much the same values as I was, and I don't necessarily want to "over-inform" her at this stage. It's a tough balance to find...

[Mrs Mungo]

Am I the only one who would have wanted to DIE if my family had 'celebrated' this rite of passage with me?

 

One of my eldest dd's good friends' family made a big deal out of it-they went to dinner and all sorts of stuff. My eldest made it quite clear that she would enver speak to me again if I even thought about anything like that.

[Lovedtodeath]

Really, you all have that much privacy?

 

Hmmm... my dd already knows everything because we have no privacy in this house. She sees me changing my pads and such and she saw my water break when I had DS.

 

I find it odd that this doesn't come up in natural conversations when the girls are 5 or so...

[Cammie]

Here it is even worse...and I don't know how we are going to get around it. There is a BIG event and lots of family/friends are invited to the coming of age celebration. The girl is dressed up in traditional clothes, jewelry and flowers in her hair. Everyone knows why and it is no secret. I believe my in-laws will want to do this for dd but I don't know how she will react. I know I would have melted into the floor if it was me!

[crewmom]

I wanted to thank you for posting this. You are not alone. My dd's body is becoming ready before her mind and it is scaring me. She just turned 9 in January, but the budding has begun. :crying: I tried to start off gently by telling her that one day she would have hair in her armpits (this was in response to her telling me that DH had yucky hair in his pits). She wanted none of that conversation. I can't wait until I get to tell her she is going to bleed once a month for decades. :rolleyes: What gets me is that she loves science and wants to know all about how the heart or lungs work.

 

Really, you all have that much privacy?

 

Hmmm... my dd already knows everything because we have no privacy in this house. She sees me changing my pads and such and she saw my water break when I had DS.

 

I find it odd that this doesn't come up in natural conversations when the girls are 5 or so...

 

I have privacy because I lock the door. ;) Dd has no filter between her brain and mouth so anything I don't want publicly broadcast, I keep hidden. However, she did see everything when my youngest son was born (surprise home delivery). I kept waiting and waiting (and hoping) she would ask questions. She was 6 when he was born. Less than two years later and I was pregnant again. Still I waited for the questions and never got any. I even prompted her this time, asking her how she thought the baby got in my tummy and how she would get out. E couldn't have cared less.

 

I just don't know what to do.

[Heidi7Sue]

Am I the only one who would have wanted to DIE if my family had 'celebrated' this rite of passage with me? I just can't imagine how mortified I would have been if my father gave me flowers when I started my period. Or if a bunch of women (even just my mom!) had a celebration for me. Um, no thanks. Obviously some daughters would appreciate it, but if the op's daughter hasn't even wanted to discuss this with her mom before now, she may not appreciate the publicity.

 

:iagree:

No kidding. My mom told one of her friends about it over the phone, and I was so mad. I was too embarrassed even to tell her I was mad, but I thought, "Why don't you just put it on a billboard already?" I would have preferred that my dad not even know, but I couldn't figure out a way around that. I definitely would not have wanted flowers from him. And I think if anyone had planned a public party for the occasion, I would have found a way to move to another continent.

[Kate in Arabia]

Everyone knows why and it is no secret.

 

Different cultures have different approaches to it. My kids don't know all the details about it, but they know something is happening because there are times that I don't participate in religious rituals each month; so right away there's something going on that they can easily figure out and they have an impetus to ask questions. Also when we are traveling, it's always something known again because of the religious angle; everyone knows (the adults), and while it took a while for me to get used to it, now it doesn't bother me at all.

 

There's a lot less shyness about it in general here, both in my experience and from anecdotes I've heard from many others; for example buying products at the store and everyone is open and chatty about it just as if you were selecting paper plates or whatever, lol.

 

I would be interested to know if the experience is similar in Jewish communities.

[Lolly]

Honestly, I wouldn't push it any further. She has the information. I would just let her process it and be there to answer any questions she has. I would NOT tell her that it doesn't hurt because it does hurt for many people. I wouldn't be telling her that, but I wouldn't be saying it isn't going to either. My eldest freaked out a little too. Fortunately, she didn't start until she was almost 14 and had many friends to discuss it with beforehand. That really helped. (I have found NO way to predict when girls will start. Other development and body weight doesn't seem to have any timeline type of correlation around my house!!)

[JFSinIL]

Am I the only one who would have wanted to DIE if my family had 'celebrated' this rite of passage with me? I just can't imagine how mortified I would have been if my father gave me flowers when I started my period. Or if a bunch of women (even just my mom!) had a celebration for me. Um, no thanks. Obviously some daughters would appreciate it, but if the op's daughter hasn't even wanted to discuss this with her mom before now, she may not appreciate the publicity.

 

I remember watching the Cosby show when the youngest, Rudy, had her first period and Claire wanted to make a special day out of it. The kid was mortified!

 

Which I think reflects the attitude of most young girls.

 

My girls, I noted, in addition to the real info, to think of it this way - whereas a bird uses twigs, etc. to make a nest, a mammal lines the "nest" with what it has on hand - a warm, soft bag of liquid. If the "nest" is not needed, it goes away. A fresh "nest" is prepared each month, just in case it is needed.

 

Ok, odd, but they like it.

[LauraGB]

Am I the only one who would have wanted to DIE if my family had 'celebrated' this rite of passage with me? I just can't imagine how mortified I would have been if my father gave me flowers when I started my period. Or if a bunch of women (even just my mom!) had a celebration for me. Um, no thanks. Obviously some daughters would appreciate it, but if the op's daughter

 

I didn't mean break out the disco ball and invite the neighbors over for cocktails or anything :lol:. I just think because the op's daughter (and my own) are so young to be blindsided with such a big change that it might be better to put a positive spin on things. IMO it is hard to put a positive spin on something I, for one, don't feel too positive about when it shows up, but at that age, it seemed a better idea to let her figure that out on her own, like sometime over the next 40 years or so.

 

With my dd, we had a girls' day - we went shopping, out to lunch, and when dh came back from out of town, he gave her some flowers. I think she appreciated it because, even though things just changed drastically, and she was still processing this huge leap into womanhood, we still loved her and would be there to help her and support her and I think that alleviated a lot of the fear that might have gone along with the whole thing. And none of her friends had gotten thiers, so she really couldn't go to them for advice. In fact, it has been over a year and still none of her friends have gotten thiers.

 

But, I suppose every one is different. Had she not even bothered to tell me about it, though, I would have felt awful. I can't imagine how hurt I would have been if she would have kept it to herself to deal with alone.

[Night Elf]

Am I the only one who would have wanted to DIE if my family had 'celebrated' this rite of passage with me?

 

:iagree: I was so embarrassed when my mom told my aunt and my sister who is 6 years older than me. They ooohed and aahhed and told me that I was a woman, blah, blah, blah. I often bled through my pants at school and that is definitely not a moment to be happy about having a period.

 

Unfortunately, my dd17 has had a really bad time with her cycles. I won't go into TMI, but my dd12 is really not looking foward to hers because of the misery she sees in dd17 and me. We simply can't hide the pain or smile through it, so telling my dd12 that hers will be okay just feels like lying. So I tell her she won't know until it starts. We'll just see how things go. According to her stack of girly books, her cycle is imminent. She has all the signs.

[Night Elf]

I know she doesn't want her first period to be a big thing but I want her to know what to expect. Arrgh, I feel totally out of my element right now and hope I am able to communicate with my dd what she needs.

 

And you've done that. You've given her the information but you cannot give her emotions to go with it. She will feel the way she feels. She may never like her cycle and instead see it something to just endure, celebrating the end of each cycle instead. That's what I do. :)

 

I'd suggest you let her know that you are always there to talk with her when she wants to talk. And then leave her alone. Maybe she just needs time in her own mind to process it all, and it may take a long time. If she starts before she's ready, it is what it is. Just be there for her when she needs you, but don't force yourself into her private space. She may know more than you think but she just doesn't want to talk about it.

[cillakat]

The very best comprehensive sexuality education curiculum IMO was developed by United Church of Christ and Unitarian Univeralist Congregations. It's called Our Whole Lives and is extremely comprehensive and scientifically sound.

 

It is available with or without the faith based component. I just organized a class at my daughters school and it's been going incredibly well.

 

Keep in mind that UCC and UUC are quite liberal, so there will definitely be some components of the curriculum that do no fit with conservative Christian views (ie "different kinds of families"....) but if that's not your family's view then it's easy to omit.

 

The curriculum is best taught in groups (considerforming a co-op) but can be done individually as well.

 

Here are varying levels to insure teaching appropriate material to various age groups: k-1, 4-6, 7-9, 10-12. While they wanted to create a 2-3 level, funding issues got in the way. A 2-3 level can be created by taking appropriate material from the k-1 and the 4-6 material.

 

At UU and UCC congregations, there are OWL classes taught every year and at the local UU congregation, they offer K-1, 2-3, 4-5, middle school and high school. The classes are taught by leaders trained specifically to teach the curriculum.

 

Strongly strongly recommend looking into it.

 

Best,

Katherine

 

ps a google search will bring up many links, incl links to purchase from uua or ucc.

[momofkhm]

Nancy Rue. She explains how it's a "God thing". My girls loved them! I personally didn't like Care and Keeping, but The Body Book by Nancy Rue was wonderful! It was a small thing really - Care and Keeping said things like if your mom won't get [tampons] for you, ask an older friend or sister. The Body Book says things like if your mom isn't ready for you to have [tampons], wait a few months and ask again.

 

It won't be different information, it's just presented in a different way. A better way if you ask me.

 

There are 2 sets of books. There's the set that is about Lily Robbins. They are fiction and it tells how Lily tackles these issues. Then there is the non-fiction set of books that gives the meat of the issue and how it is a "God thing". There are books about your period, about hair and make-up, about clubs, about lots of things. Like I said my girls loved them. Every mom I've recommended them to has said her dd loved them too.

 

One thing I did with both my girls when telling them about periods was show and tell. After we got to the part in the book that it talks about protection (we were reading it out loud together on my bed), we went into my bathroom and pulled out one of all my products. We dumped water on them to see how much they held. We watched tampons fill up and out from this tiny thing to full of water. I showed them where pads went in your unders. We did not go through how to put in a tampon. (Even now they both only wear tampons when they have to swim.) The next day, we went and bought them their own supplies so they'd be ready.

 

Oh and to celebrate it, they were both told they'd get their ears pierced when they got their period. Of course then they were both tired of waiting so they made a deal "if I get straight A's this year in school, can I get my ears pierced?" I said yes and they did.

 

Oh and I disagree with 6 months from bud to starting. My oldest dd started getting buds at 8. Took her in to ask the doc at 9, was told she'd start within a year. She didn't start until 12. My middle got buds about the same age, maybe later and started about 11.

[Night Elf]

Oh, and for those of you who say the body is practicing for a baby, how do you explain that cycles last for decades, beyond the need for practicing? I won't be having anymore babies and I wish my body would know that and respond like it did to my lack of nursing led to me not producing milk anymore.

 

I personally see cycles as a highly inefficient body operation. I'm not religious so I don't see it as some grand plan.

[TXMomof4]

Really, you all have that much privacy?

 

Hmmm... my dd already knows everything because we have no privacy in this house. She sees me changing my pads and such and she saw my water break when I had DS.

 

I find it odd that this doesn't come up in natural conversations when the girls are 5 or so...

 

:iagree:

[babysparkler]

I haven't read all of the responses, but has anyone pointed you to the Generations of Virtue: Beautifully Made series? We have these and the American Girl Books (couldn't decide) and I'm glad we have both. This set really set the tone for my dd about what to expect in a beautiful way. She is the sensitive type, but is actually LOOKING FORWARD to this new upcoming stage in her life now.

[cillakat]

I think it's really important to start early and often with kids - even if they don't ask. Some kids - many kids - will never ask. If the conversations are started early, before they know to be embarassed or uncomfortable, it paves a more comfortable path.

 

I started early with both kids - my problem was continuing....my 8yo continued to ask and continues to ask. My nearly 11 yo never asked anything and after initial conversations, I quit making a point to talk with her about these topics.....now she's really uncomfortable.....it would have been so much easier had I just continued to talk.....

 

K

[cillakat]

Oh, and for those of you who say the body is practicing for a baby,

 

That doesn't seem to be the best way to frame the idea of menstruating becasue it's untrue. It's not 'practicing'. Hundreds or thousands of years ago, 40 years was a long time to live. A girl was usually paired off at the onset of, or shortly before the onset of fertility (ie having menstrual cycles).

 

<<I won't be having anymore babies and I wish my body would know that and respond like it did to my lack of nursing led to me not producing milk anymore.>>

 

Good in theory but not in practice. In the good ole' days, we rarely outlasted our fertility. We needed the protection of estrogen for a myriad of reasons as long as we lived....and it lasted about as long as we lasted. There weren't many grandmothers around - some, but not many.

 

In the most primitive cultures studied, 'adult' (ie fertile women) spend only 11% of their potentially fertile adult life having menstrual cycles - the rest of the time they're pregnant or nursing. For 'modern' women, it's something like 80% of our a potentially fertile years are spent cycling.....a very short period is spent nursing or pregnant.

 

In other words, it's our modern life that makes female fertility seem so out of sync but really, we just changed the rules.

 

:)

K

[LaissezFaire]

I also disagree with the 6 months between buds and menarche. My sister started at age 16 and you can bet she had breasts by then. I started at 11 and had had breasts for a year or so.

 

We are really open here so pretty much everyone knows about periods. Not the littlest ones but if they happened to be around when I was sewing pads, I would tell them what they were for. We operate on a "it's no big deal just a part of life" philosophy.

 

I might take my DD's to lunch when they start but I wouldn't make a big deal that that was the purpose.

[Joker]

I haven't read all of the responses, but has anyone pointed you to the Generations of Virtue: Beautifully Made series? We have these and the American Girl Books (couldn't decide) and I'm glad we have both. This set really set the tone for my dd about what to expect in a beautiful way. She is the sensitive type, but is actually LOOKING FORWARD to this new upcoming stage in her life now.

 

Thank you - this looks great! I'm going to order it and hope it helps her some. Today she is acting like nothing happened yesterday, so I'm just going to wait a few days / weeks and see if she brings it up again or has any questions.

 

For those who wonder how this hasn't come up in normal conversation -- it has. Younger dd would stick around, ask questions and was curious. Older dd would immediately flee the room. She has always been uncomfortable talking about her body. She hates reading the Abeka health books and says learning about the body makes her feel "icky".

 

Thanks for all the replies!

[cillakat]

I also disagree with the 6 months between buds and menarche. My sister started at age 16 and you can bet she had breasts by then. I started at 11 and had had breasts for a year or so.

 

I also disagree with the 6 mos...for me it was closer to 1.5 years.

 

K