I need some help.....

[*Amber*]

DH had agreed to homeschool and spent a year helping me plan. Then we told his parents and they had a stroke. In a matter of 36 hours they took him from I think this is what God wants us to do to: I just don't want to do it, they need to experience school.

 

I have been trying to convince him otherwise since then. We had a "discussion" last night about it and he doesn't believe that the education in the public school system is sub-par. He doesn't believe that they will get a better education at home (even though before he thought that the education they would receive at home would be better). I need something to show him that homeschooled children tend to do better academically than public schooled children. I also need something to show him that they won't suffer because they didn't get the "school experience". He wants them to be able to do things like band and choir and sports and school plays and things of that nature. He thinks that the being with the other children and having that together time is important. Meaning that he thinks they need to spend time with other kids to be well adjusted.

 

I feel like school is a social enviroment for my DD and she just wants to go there to be with her friends. She actually told me the other day that she didn't like school anymore because she had to do too many papers and she got answers wrong and the teacher had to fix them. I tried to tell him that I think that me being able to teach them in our home and make learning fun that she would want to learn. But dh thinks that if I change they way I teach to the way they learn that later in life once they are working that they won't be able to function properly because they have been catered to their whole life and they will expect everyone to cater to them then as well. Like if I teach them in a way that is best for them now then they will expect it for the rest of their lives.

 

I want to homeschool for several reasons:

 

1.) I think that I can give them a better education than the public school system can.

2.) I don't feel like the public schools are good or safe enviroment for my children

3.) I feel like religion is an important part of a well rounded education.

 

 

Dh doesn't agree with me about the first two and as for the last one well he thinks I should be doing a religious curriculum after they get home from school.

 

He doesn't see anything wrong with the quality of education in the PS, he thinks that we both came out of it doing well so it can't be bad.

 

He has the same theories about the kind of enviroment the PS are as well, that they can't be that bad since both of us came out of them without much harm (in his opinion we came out without harm, I feel like that if I had the advantages of homeschooling that I would be a completely different person.)

 

I need something to back up my POV. Can you help?

 

 

 

 

[hornblower]

has your dh read John Taylor Gatto's Dumbing Us Down and David Guterson's Family Matters?

 

I find these two books are very accessible to men, more than some of the other homeschooling books.

[LizzyBee]

http://www.nheri.org/

[delaney]

I am more worried about the parents bullying him. I would tell my DH to get a backbone and be his own thinker...but that's just me.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am more worried about the parents bullying him. I would tell my DH to get a backbone and be his own thinker...but that's just me.

 

:iagree: I think he should cut the apron strings. I, personally, would be very hurt if my dh did this to me ... to show so little confidence and to take someone else's opinion over mine.

 

It is also useful to point out the school is not what it was when we were kids. Even in "good schools", bullying starts younger, sexualization starts younger, peer pressure starts younger. 3rd grade is the new middle school and middle school is a completely different planet. Socialization is the reason I keep my kids out of school.

 

I agree with PP about David Guterson's book Family Matters. I read excerpts to dh 13 years ago and he was convinced.

[*Amber*]

I am very upset with my husband, I am fully convinced that his parents changed his mind even though he says that they had nothing to do with it. I think he would do best with research that isn't done by someone trying to advocate homeschooling. You and I trust that it is impartial but he won't. He was for it and willing to overlook his fears about "being weird". I just need to find a way to get his mind set back to what it was before is Father interceded.

[jujsky]

I am more worried about the parents bullying him. I would tell my DH to get a backbone and be his own thinker...but that's just me.

 

:iagree: It sounds to me like you made a mutual decision as a couple and he back-peddled because he doesn't want to deal with the reaction from his parents. He needs to leave them out of your marriage and do what's best for your kids. This is much deeper than a homeschool/PS issue. This is a marriage issue.

 

In response to his idea that you two survived PS just fine so your kids will too, does he realize how much PS has changed since then? NCLB? The lack of discipline in schools? The rampant bullying that is going unchecked?

 

I agree with another poster who mentioned he should read John Taylor Gatto. You can also have him read the beginning of TWTM (I can't recommend further than that because I just started the book myself!).

 

As long as your kids are exposed to other kids via activities or playdates, they'll have enough exposure and won't be social outcasts. I don't know the rules in your state, but in mine the kids can take classes at the PS if I want them to (music, art, PE -- whatever). Maybe he'd be willing to compromise and let you do some academics at home, and have them take more of the artsy/non-academic courses at school

[bbmom]

You should be able to find studies to back up homeschooling at google scholar

http://scholar.google.com/

[Ritsumei]

He wants them to be able to do things like band and choir and sports and school plays and things of that nature. He thinks that the being with the other children and having that together time is important. Meaning that he thinks they need to spend time with other kids to be well adjusted.

 

Band and choir can be accomplished outside PS, even if there's no "homeschool band/choir" in your area, by doing private lessons for a couple years on whatever instrument, then auditioning for community choirs and bands. Same with theater: community theater troupes, children's theater troupes. There's no need for missing out. And if it's just plain performing arts that he's worried about, you could stick the kids in dance, which is usually done outside of PS anyway, no muss, no fuss.

 

It sounds to me like you made a mutual decision as a couple and he back-peddled because he doesn't want to deal with the reaction from his parents. ... This is much deeper than a homeschool/PS issue. This is a marriage issue.

 

I'd agree that there is a deeper marital thing going on: you spent a YEAR talking this over & planning it?? Deep breaths... nobody responds well to someone being upset at them (however legitimately upsetting it is, unfortunately), maybe set up a date where just the two of you can go for an afternoon to someplace you enjoy - for DH & I that'd be our local state park - and calmly work it out. Or maybe write a (calm, non-confrontational) letter, and have the conversation on an email or something. That format would drive my DH crazy, but I'd love it, as I think more clearly when I'm writing, and I love being able to sit on it, go back and edit & so forth, until it's Just Right. The point is to do everything possible to avoid making him feel defensive, because that'll shut down any constructive conversation, and you don't need to be Right About Everything, you need to figure out what happened to your plans, why they changed, and what you can do to go forward unitedly.

 

Good luck: that conversation is gonna be a hard thing to do!

 

ETA: I'm not saying you're being awful at all, it's just that your situation would make me Hopping Mad, and that's not productive in working out the problem. Hence my emphasis on being calm/non-confrontational. My DH would need non-emotional as well, but I can seldom do that: I'm a crier.

Edited March 1, 2010 by Ritsumei

[The Governess]

Do you have a co-op in your area where your dc can take classes and interact with other kids? Would that ease some of his issues?

 

If I had spent a year planning and it all came to nothing because of a change of mind that was influenced by someone else.....I would be very upset, and hurt. Maybe he will agree to trying things for a year - you've already put in so much work and thought, IMO you should at least have the chance to see it through.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[dirty ethel rackham]

David Guterson is a public school high school teacher who homeschools his kids. John Taylor Gatto was New York's teacher of the year. Both have spent considerable time in public school settings. I think they have more credibility than anyone else because they are knowledgeable of both sides.

 

Every household is different and every marriage is different. In my house, I would lay down the law that my opinion counts. He may not bash it if he is not willing to become educated about it. Listening to people who are speaking out of ignorance and bias (his parents) is not what I would call becoming educated. You have done your research and are convinced. He has not, yet he is willing to put his foot down on something without adequately researching and putting down the people who have done so.

[mamato3 all-boy boys]

:iagree:If you are looking for statistics, NHERI and HSLDA have put together two multi-paged pamphlets; one which describes the outcomes of homeschooling in terms of homeschoolers' pursuit of further education and community involvement, and in the other (just published this year), they demonstrated that homeschoolers are performing far above public schooled students.

 

academic achievement and demongraphics

 

homeschooling grows up

[JVA]

Your husband needs to grow his OWN backbone, cut the apron strings and LEAVE his parents.....He is disrespecting you and all that you two had already agreed upon. Sorry- but I'd be furious. I guess next week I could discuss the merits/drawbacks of the choices but, he'd be sleeping on the couch or with the dog this week. How insulting! Has he done this before?

Edited March 1, 2010 by JVA
spelling!

[myfunnybunch]

He thinks that the being with the other children and having that together time is important. Meaning that he thinks they need to spend time with other kids to be well adjusted.

 

I'd suggest that you research activities for homeschoolers in your community. Call your school district and ask about policies regarding extra-curricular activities and homeschool students. (Our district allows homeschooled students to participate.) That gives you some immediate ways to address these concerns.

 

If you think he'd be receptive, you might also want gently tell him that homeschooling doesn't take place only at home. There are community outings, volunteer work, after-school classes and activities with other children, playing with neighbors, as well as all of the activities, both social and academic, available to homeschooled students. I think my homeschooled kids get just as much social time as their public-schooled peers, and probably more unstructured play time.

 

Like if I teach them in a way that is best for them now then they will expect it for the rest of their lives.

 

Those of us who attended public school don't expect someone to stand at the front of the room with a pointer every time we need to learn something new. Teaching them to love learning will help them to be independent learners and workers for the rest of their lives. They will be assets in their workplaces because they know how to think for themselves instead of trying to fill in the "right" answer. They can learn to think deeply about issues instead of just skimming the surface.

 

I can tell your dh is feeling fearful about taking this leap. To give him some benefit of the doubt, I wonder if talking to his parents made it easier for him to articulate the uneasy feelings and concerns that he may already have had. I'd leave the issue of his parents out of it completely. Before you talk to him, make a plan that will address each of his concerns respectfully...not "You're wrong and here are the studies that say so," but "I can tell you're worried about this issue. Here's how I would like to address socialization/learning styles..." Do you think he'd be open to forging ahead with your plan for a year, then evaluating?

 

:grouphug: And good luck. I hope he comes around.

 

Cat

[OhM]

Here is the result of a keyword search on "homeschool" on the ERIC website. Not all the articles are available on the site.

 

Here's a fact sheet from NHERI (which you're probably already familiar with) though it sounds like your dh won't give it much credence since it's produced by an organization sympathetic to homeschoolers. If he's willing to be fair minded about it, he will read the research and determine if it has utilized sound methods before dismissing it as "advocating homeschooling".

 

And I agree with your instinct about his parents' influence on his change of heart. People who have never considered this way of schooling are often horrified to think of a childhood without the big yellow bus, the first day of school, Friday night football games, or a prom. My dd's still participate in the local community, have friends from ps, play in a homeschool band program that includes homeschooled, charter schooled, and private schooled kids, attend those Friday night football games, and have turned down a myriad other opportunities due to lack of time.

 

Family Matters by David Guterson is written as a response to his (prosecutor) father's objections to him homeschooling his sons. Sounds like a great place for you to find some ammunition to meet his concerns, and for him to gird up to face his parents.

 

Good luck!

[bbmom]

Posting again since I think trying to post a link got my post submitted for moderator approval. If you are looking for research, google scholar is very useful and something I didn't even know about until now. Won't try to post the link again, but if you type google scholar into google, it comes up. Good luck.

[*Amber*]

Thanks, I bought those books and I will try to get him to read them (after me of course). :)

 

All of your points are very helpful, it feels great to know that some one understands.

[Crimson Wife]

One approach to try is taking things one year at a time. Your kids are young & will have plenty of time to "catch up" if for some reason HS doesn't work out & they go back to a traditional school. See if your DH will allow a trial of HS for a year. That's what I did with my very skeptical DH for my oldest's kindergarten year. He still is a bit dubious about HS but he just okay'd continuing for 3rd.

[Heather in WI]

My husband was against homeschooling in the beginning, too. (His mom (a WONDERFUL m-i-l) was a private school teacher for over 20 years. She had experience with both good and bad homeschooled students that eventually went into her school. She was not biased against homeschoolers, but after seeing plenty of situations where the children were not best served by homeschooling, she did have some valid concerns. On top of that, we have close family members who are public school teachers, a private school principal, two college professors, and one public high school principal.) Let's just say that my desire to homeschool was met with many raised eyebrows. :D

 

Since school isn't required in our state until age 6, I had K4 and K5 as test years to "prove" it to him that I could succeed. By the time first grade came around, he was so impressed that he said we could homeschool through 4th grade. Now, he's up to 8th grade. :)

 

My biggest advice for a hesitant spouse is to take their concerns seriously. (If you had major concerns about your children, wouldn't you want him to take your concerns seriously?) What is he concerned about? Ask him for specifics. Don't try to meet every objection he has immediately in that first conversation. Take time to think about his concerns and how you can purposefully address them.

 

One thing my dh was concerned about was socialization. He's an extremely outgoing, friendly guy and he didn't want me to turn our boys into .... ummm ..... anti-social weirdos. (As an aside, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQoSRfu5z_4 is really funny.) To address this concern, I scheduled plenty of playdates, signed the boys up for swim lessons, and took advantage of many other extra-curricular type classes and activities.

 

Another concern of his was that I would flake out, not be organized, and not be an effective teacher. To address this concern, I researched what our local private schools were doing and bought "real" curricula. ("Unschooling" would never fly with him, LOL!) I made a weekly schedule of what I planned to do in Excel the Friday before each week, printed it out so that he could glance at it at any time, and followed through each week. Yes, I did this for kindergarten! Is it really necessary? Probably not. But, it met my husband's concern and I'm finishing up my 6th year of homeschooling. :D

 

A HUGE selling point on homeschooling was having him read various chapters in The Well-Trained Mind. I did not hand him the entire book and say, "Read this." As I was reading it, I would point out paragraphs or pages that were really interesting/compelling/etc. They explain homeschooling and education so well and so thoroughly that it is hard to walk away not convinced that it is an excellent method for educating children.

[The Governess]

 

A HUGE selling point on homeschooling was having him read various chapters in The Well-Trained Mind. I did not hand him the entire book and say, "Read this." As I was reading it, I would point out paragraphs or pages that were really interesting/compelling/etc. They explain homeschooling and education so well and so thoroughly that it is hard to walk away not convinced that it is an excellent method for educating children.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: I have so many friends who have been unsure about homeschooling, thinking it is too much work, too hard to stay organized, they could never keep up with a public or private school education, etc. And after reading this book, they all say, "Oh! But, this makes so much sense and it's so *easy*! I can do this!"

 

Another thing I thought of: do you have any real-life friends who are homeschooling that you could invite over for dinner and have a chat with? Maybe if your dh could see a homeschooling family that is thriving it would give him something else to weigh against his parents' opinion.

[LauraGB]

One approach to try is taking things one year at a time. Your kids are young & will have plenty of time to "catch up" if for some reason HS doesn't work out & they go back to a traditional school. See if your DH will allow a trial of HS for a year. That's what I did with my very skeptical DH for my oldest's kindergarten year. He still is a bit dubious about HS but he just okay'd continuing for 3rd.

:iagree: With all the wonderful suggestions you've already gotten, including Heather in WI's suggestion to read parts of WTM, as well as the above compromise, I think you're situation has promise. Good luck to you. :grouphug:

[*Amber*]

Thanks I have TWTM and I have to other two on their way to our home. I had a discussion with him earlier that basically said " I know you have reservations but I want you to put the same amount of research into it as I have." He said if he had internet access he would look at some links I sent him and do some research on his own.( he is out of town on business) Thanks for your suggestions and your encouragement. It is all very helpful! :)

[fairfarmhand]

The book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker cemented in my mind the reasons I have for homeschooling my kids, my daughters especially. This is not a "pro-homeschooling" book. It simply describes the things that girls are up against these days in our culture. I know my girls will have to face these things eventually, but I want them to be prepared for the onslaught.

[*Amber*]

We had a talk about it tonight and he said he would look at the research and try to keep an open mind. HERE'S HOPING!!

Edited March 2, 2010 by *Amber*

[*Amber*]

Bump for more Internet links I can show him........

[elegantlion]

If he was convinced that this was "What God wanted", when did God change His mind?

 

Don't mean to sound snarky but that's the question I would put before my spouse. My dh had reservations about homeschooling and I kept talking and praying and finally it became his decision too.

 

My parents knew little about homeschooling but trusted our judgment as parents to do what was best. :grouphug: I'm sorry your in-laws don't seem to understand.

[Parrothead]

:iagree: I think he should cut the apron strings. I, personally, would be very hurt if my dh did this to me ... to show so little confidence and to take someone else's opinion over mine.

 

 

My dh does this kind of cr*p all the time. Not so much the apron strings because he listens to his mother about the same way he listens to me.

 

I've learned that I just need to get someone else on board to tell him how to do something. That is fairly simple to do for most things. Do you know any homeschool dads that your dh can talk to? Then he will think it is all his idea then dare someone to try to talk him out of it.

[*Amber*]

My dh does this kind of cr*p all the time. Not so much the apron strings because he listens to his mother about the same way he listens to me.

 

I've learned that I just need to get someone else on board to tell him how to do something. That is fairly simple to do for most things. Do you know any homeschool dads that your dh can talk to? Then he will think it is all his idea then dare someone to try to talk him out of it.

 

 

That is a good idea, our pastor and both of deacons in our church(they are his friends) homeschool I will encourage him to talk with them about why they chose to homeschool.