Can you help me with memorial service options?

[Danestress]

I just need to generate ideas and get some input.

 

My Dad is going to die in the next days or maybe weeks (but days seems likely). He has advanced Alzheimer's, is not really alert ever, and doesn't eat. We can spoon feed him a little thickened liquid, but he's having increasing trouble swallowing, and is asleep most of the time anyway.

 

So that's where we are. My parents are entirely non-religious. We are trying to make a few tentative plans. My mother told my sister she thought we should have a "family only" memorial service.

 

I would be pretty happy with no memorial service at all. The idea of listening to people pontificate about his life just turns my stomach. But I do understand that people want to pay their respects. He ran a business and had employees, friends, neighbors - lots of people who really liked him. He and Mom had great friends who have been very good to them through all of this. He's had fabulous nurses and caregivers. I have a church family and friends in town who would probably like to come.

 

So as much as I hate it, I can see having a memorial service to allow them to pay respects. I guess I could just pump up the Ativan for a day and deal with it:) A family only memorial service seems really dumb to me. We have 12 people in our family, and we have had months of caring for him (mostly Mom and I, but my sisters have come and been wonderful, and he has a sister too, and we have husbands and children). I just want to flee the jurisdiction. I'm probably a bit "peopled out" at this point. I really honestly truly and totally do NOT want to sit with my family and emote. I would do it for my Mom, of course, but she doesn't want that either - she just feels like she is "supposed to."

 

If we had a regular old service, I can't think of where it would be. My parents wouldn't have it in a church. I am not going to set up a religious service because it wasn't what he believed, and I think it would really bother all of us (though for different reasons) to "play church" for one event.

 

So then where do you do a memorial service? And what do you say if you don't talk about God? Who officiates at something like that? My mother would never do something tacky. If a funeral home were even a tiny bit tacky, she wouldn't have a service there. And the problem is, she's the kind of person who finds most options just a tad shabby and tacky. But this is the south. Everything happens in churches, lol. She dropped their club membership when he stopped being able to play golf, and I guess you don't have memorial services in country clubs anyway. Plus, it would remind her how often he abandoned her for golf:) Just kidding. But seriously .....

 

Do I need to really encourage her to have a memorial that people generally can come to? I think it's sort of mean to say 'family only" and then invite her 20 best friends, but not invite his co-workers, caregivers, my friends, neighbors, etc. I'm pretty sure, too, that when she says, "Family only" that's what she means - family plus her 20 hand-picked people. Is that sort of unthoughtful? Or do people do that? Is it different when it's a long illness from when it's very sudden and traumatic? Do people really expect something or is it pretty much "what works for the family."

 

And if we did agree to a Memorial service, what does a secular one look like? Where do you hold it? What options should I consider? We are not going to do a "lets all go to a bar and tell funny Dad stories" kind of thing. Honestly, I am so exhausted I just can't even think about it. I don't want to hear people's stories, you know? I think when you are someone's daughter, you know more about them and .... I just find that people annoy me right now. I think I need time reconciling who he was before the disease with what the last few years have been like, but I don't need other people to do that for me by trying to tell stories about my Dad. You know? I need it on my own time. But I do recognize that they also have had a loss....

 

Anyway, I say "memorial" because he will be cremated. I know that means we can delay as long as we want, but I want to get this over with.

[SonshineLearner]

:grouphug:

I just wanted to say, "Sorry".... don't know anything else to say.

 

Carrie

[LibraryLover]

I am sorry. My beloved FIL died a death like that. It was difficult. I hope you have the support you need.

 

I wonder if you have a grandchild in the family old enough to speak... Maybe he/she could say a few words, or a recite poem your loved one enjoyed.

 

Sometimes short and simple is the best.

 

You're right that people do want to pay their respects and say goodbye.

 

When my grandfather died, I had the service in my home. Some of us are UUs, and the minister came to the house to say a few words. Eaxh of us were invited to share memories, which we all did. We then took my gf's ashes to a river he adored. It was very moving without being phony in the least. My gmother loved the hymn Amazing Grace and we sang that... and maybe some people would think that odd, but it made her happy.

 

You can do whateever makes sense to your own family.

Edited December 13, 2009 by LibraryLover

[BMW]

I'm sorry for your family's loss, even if it is days to come.

 

I have two examples to share from non-religious relatives.

 

My grandmother was not a church goer. She was instantly cremated, so no showing was happening. But, within a week of her passing, there was a memorial service at the local VFW (grandpa was a WWII veteran who fought in Germany and Grandma was very active as a VFW member). Quite simply, notices were sent out and announced, word got around and family and friends gathered at the local VFW hall for a memorial. I sang a song. Only a couple of people spoke. Many friends of hers brought single roses and laid them at the podium, not speaking, but remembering. Then we had snacks.

 

Another example. My niece died suddenly in a car crash at the age of 18. Her mother is not Christian and her dad (my brother) had no say so in any of the decisions (divorced). They had a very lovely service at the memorial building. Many teens came and family as well for viewing one day. Then the service was held. Nieces mother was raised catholic, although she has never practiced religioun that I know of. They actually didn't have much of a "talk". They set up a board presentation of photographs of niece and a place for people to write her notes. It was open casket. Her sisters and a couple of closest friends sang a song that sticks with me today. The manager of the mortuary gave a short talk. A few relatives talked. Each parent gazed at her one more time and then each of us were able to walk by once more. It was heartbreaking. Anyway, as I mentioned, this was not a religious family (mother's side) and it was quite tasteful! There were all the usual things that you would find in a church service... viewing... saying goodbye... writing down memories... song and speaking by selected individuals... Perhaps you can call around and find out if a mortuary offers such a memorial. Once again, I am sorry for the pain that goes with this.

[IsabelC]

I'm very sorry for your loss - not just the loss to come but also the loss of who your Dad was before the Alzheimers.

 

I would suggest that you contact a couple of non religious or non denominational celebrants, as they will have lots of ideas and formats you can choose from. You can have pretty much a traditional style of service but with fewer or no prayers etc, using a mixture of readings, songs (hymns or suitable secular music), eulogy and so on. Or you can dispense with the ceremony altogether and have more of an informal wake where people get together and chat. Or anything in between. On the question of religious vs non religious, it's pretty common to have a compromise where you incorporate a minute's silence for prayer and remembrance, or a short prayer such as the Lords Prayer, into a non religious ceremony. Because a good many attendees will be religious, even if your parents aren't, and the service is for them too iykwim. You could consider having a short and quiet private ceremony for the family / close friends followed by a big reception for anyone who wants to come. I think that some people would probably be a bit hurt if there was nothing for them to attend.

[JudoMom]

I don't know, but I am so very sorry :grouphug:.

[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry.

My husband is a priest, so most of the memorials I have been to have been religious in some way (he's often asked to do family ones), but I have been to a couple that were at the funeral home. (This is simple and I may be stating the obvious here...) They have a casket (you can use one for the service even if your dad is cremated, and it can be closed), and set up all the flowers around it. There's a guest book to sign when you enter. People just file in and maybe say their own prayer in front of the casket. You can ask the funeral home to provide a little kneeler or prie-dieu for people who want to say a prayer. Then they just go to chairs or mill around.

At my brother's visitation, not his funeral but the night before, my sil had a video playing that showed Mark laughing and having a wonderful time. It was taken at his 40th birthday party. It was in a corner of the room, and the volume was set low to not bother anyone, but it was a nice way of remembering him at his best. She also had pictures from his life mounted on posterboard--his childhood, his teen and young adult years, and so on (he died when he was 46). She also set out a few things he had accomplished--some of his framed pictures of getting his diploma, etc. These things gave people something to look at and reminisce about--and, as people knew him at different stages of his life, it was quite sweet to see happy memories and even hear of his experiences at different times in his life.

 

You could do some of that, and then just have someone get up and say a few words. Maybe someone could play a nice song, or you could have one recorded--The actual "organized" part could be very brief. The remembrances could be made privately between visitors as they chat while milling around.

[Melinda in VT]

I have a feeling what we did would be considered too shabby :D, but I did have one thought that might be of use.

 

Could you wait for a bit to do the memorial service? That might give you a chance to recover a bit, so it wouldn't be so stressful for you.

 

Where I live, it's not uncommon to hold memorial services several months after a death. (In part this is because the ground is too frozen to bury people in the winter, so people either do a funeral or memorial service right after the death and then have a private graveside service in the spring, or they just wait and have the service on the same day as the burial.)

 

:grouphug: I hope whatever solution you find will bring you peace instead of more stress.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

:grouphug:

 

The funeral home director will be a wonderful resource for you in figuring out these kinds of things. If you haven't found one yet, start calling around and find one who is knowledgeable about non-religious services. The funeral home hall is a perfectly acceptable place to hold a funeral. Even many church goers have services there for one reason or another. It's not considered tacky.

 

Blessings on you and your family as you enter your father's last days.

[lgm]

:grouphug: There is likely a thoughtful pastor in your community that can help. The funeral home director would be the person to ask.

 

The last nonsecular service I went to involved poetry, a reminder of the cycyle of life and death, and a part of on how the deceased had touched each life and they had touched his and just pure joy in how wonderful that was. The Lord's Prayer was included (many attending found comfort here and many that say they are nonreligious are familiar) and a reflection on the length of time that a person is on earth. The effects of the organ donation were also mentioned in tasteful way.

In my experience, the service is not too painful as so many have greived privately as they became aware of the long term illness. Most will be sensitive and not overwhelm the close relatives. Some may save visiting with your mom till later, in more private circumstances.

 

The timing is whatever suits the family. The location could be a favorite spot of your father's.

 

A meal following a service or memorial could be just for family.

[Old Dominion Heather]

Was your dad ever in the military? If he was then the VFW will do a short military non-religious ceremony, I think... at least they will in Virginia. Anyway, that might provide the speaking part of any memorial you have and provide an event. It is usually done at the graveside, but I expect they have some sort of similar thing for those who are cremated

 

And I'm really sorry about your dad.

[Perry]

:grouphug:

 

The funeral home director will be a wonderful resource for you in figuring out these kinds of things. If you haven't found one yet, start calling around and find one who is knowledgeable about non-religious services. The funeral home hall is a perfectly acceptable place to hold a funeral. Even many church goers have services there for one reason or another. It's not considered tacky.

 

Blessings on you and your family as you enter your father's last days.

:iagree:

 

Around here, memorial services are frequently held at the funeral home. They aren't at all tacky. The funeral directors are excellent resources for explaining your options.

 

You recently mentioned hospice. Are they involved now? You might want to discuss it with them, too.

 

So sorry you're going through this. :grouphug:

[Parrothead]

Talk to the funeral director. I've been to a few secular services where the funeral director has officiated the service. The one I remember the most, I know there was one or two religious references, but nothing "over the top."

 

You can have a funeral without religion.

[amy g.]

Well, my dad is sick, so in August, he threw himself a birthday party that was a dress rehearsal for his memorial service. He wanted to be there to critique it.

 

We had it in a building in a strip mall next to The Russian General Store. The building was a little shabby, but he doesn't care. They hung pictures of his life in the front room, and had live music and belly dancers in there. People also stood up and talked about how much he has meant to their lives.

 

We had food and tables in the back room, so people could visit without disturbing the musicians. It lasted from 7:00 pm to 3:00 in the morning. My dad said that for his real memorial service, he would like us to set up a table with some of his belongings, and let each guest choose something meaningful to keep.

 

I'm sorry that you are in this situation with your dad, it is so hard, I know.

[kalanamak]

 

I would be pretty happy with no memorial service at all. The idea of listening to people pontificate about his life just turns my stomach. But I do understand that people want to pay their respects. He ran a business and had employees, friends, neighbors - lots of people who really liked him. He and Mom had great friends who have been very good to them through all of this. He's had fabulous nurses and caregivers. I have a church family and friends in town who would probably like to come.

 

.

 

:grouphug:

 

What did your dad want (I speak in the past tense because he is not expressing his wants right now)? Both my parents asked for nothing to be done.

 

I spent some time on a reservation, and I like the "one year later" parties that were done. Maybe if it were down the road a little it wouldn't turn your stomach so much.

 

I think I'd defer to what your mom wants. She will be the widow. She is not a spring chicken. I'd do whatever made her most happy and at peace.

[EmilyK]

I have a few random thoughts:

 

--of course, you should do whatever you all want. But if the service is mostly for people outside the inner circle, I think you'd actually be doing them a favor to limit or delete the reminiscences. I have been to a fair number of memorial services lately -- unlike where I grew up, most people I know out here have secular memorials -- and one thing that can be hard is sitting through several hours of reminiscing about someone you didn't really know, but are just attending out of respect (spouse of co-worker, parent of friend, etc.). Of course, that's just my problem, and people are free to do whatever they want, but I think it is usually done for the benefit of the inner circle -- and if you all don't want it, I would omit it.

 

--I agree the hard thing is the lack of religious thing to substitute. My plan when I'm in your shoes is to have a religious service that has no time slot for the speeches. But what about (as other have suggested) finding other types of officiants? My idea would be to find someone who is a low key officiant, maybe Buddhist, and have a series of readings done by people who would like to speak, and it all hung together by the officiant. Would hospice have ideas of how to find such a person?

 

I'm sorry this is happening.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

My father just passed on and his service was meaningful to us all. He was a churchgoer so it was in the church officiated by the minister but I think a secular service could look pretty much the same. My sister and a granddaughter spoke as did a couple of friends that we invited to speak. We did a powerpoint presentation of his life because we realized that people didn't know his entire history. Afterwards, we all had coffee and sandwiches which gave everyone a chance to visit.

 

I've seen non-religious services held at the funeral home and in community centres.

[Anne]

We went to a very tasteful and meaningful non-religous memorial service at a funeral home.

 

I second the recommendations to talk to a funeral home director or two, and to your hospice representatives.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Anne

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

A memorial is not necessary at all. You could just have visitation at a funeral home. You may need to self-medicate a bit to get through that one too, because the ones I've been to consist of the family standing around and visitors basically shaking hands with the family, murmering a few words, and perhaps leaving a card.

 

One I went to had the body of the decesaed on display at the front. Others had a closed casket up front, but I didn't inquire as to whether it was full or empty. Those also had a nice picture of the deceased on a small side table and a guest book out front.

[Coleroo]

I'm so sorry about your father. You must be dealing with an aweful lot right now.

 

I live in South Carolina and my father's family, although they "believe in God", are not religious. My uncle passed 3 years ago. His wish was always just to stick him head first in the ground (his words!). We had a simple gravesite service that lasted no more than 15 minutes - no songs, nothing gooey, just final respects with one chaplain speaking a few kind words to touch the heart of those who were there. Before that people were free to visit him in the memorial room at the graveyard (no official wake). His wife passed a year later...she was cremated. Her memorial was held in her daughter's church - few songs and the pastor there spoke.

 

Last month, my other aunt on dad's side passed away. They had a viewing like normal at the funeral home, but just had a simple gravesite service for her. It lasted about 30 minutes - 2 songs and a some kind words about her life from a chaplain she had known through hospice care.

 

A few weeks later, my uncle on my moms side (who happens to not be religious either) passed. He was cremated but his wife (my mom's sister) chose to have a closed casket funeral at our family church specifically for the purpose of giving grievers a chance to say goodbye. He had a huge armed services (he was a veteran) send off - military honors, songs, eulogy, 21 gun salute, the works. He was cremated afterwards.

 

There's so many ways to do a funeral. I've lived in the south my whole life and have been to many "non-church" funerals - most of which are done at the funeral home or either just gravesite. The location is truly not important - it's the gathering to say goodbye that makes it important. A park could serve just as nicely.

 

I'm of the belief that the funeral is just as important to those who are not family...you never know what sort of grief a person has over someone's death. Not having a chance to say goodbye to someone you loved or admired could affect someone for many, many years. (I know from personal experience!)

[ConnieB]

I just need to generate ideas and get some input.

 

My Dad is going to die in the next days or maybe weeks (but days seems likely). He has advanced Alzheimer's, is not really alert ever, and doesn't eat. We can spoon feed him a little thickened liquid, but he's having increasing trouble swallowing, and is asleep most of the time anyway.

 

So that's where we are. My parents are entirely non-religious. We are trying to make a few tentative plans. My mother told my sister she thought we should have a "family only" memorial service.

 

I would be pretty happy with no memorial service at all. The idea of listening to people pontificate about his life just turns my stomach. But I do understand that people want to pay their respects. He ran a business and had employees, friends, neighbors - lots of people who really liked him. He and Mom had great friends who have been very good to them through all of this. He's had fabulous nurses and caregivers. I have a church family and friends in town who would probably like to come.

 

So as much as I hate it, I can see having a memorial service to allow them to pay respects. I guess I could just pump up the Ativan for a day and deal with it:) A family only memorial service seems really dumb to me. We have 12 people in our family, and we have had months of caring for him (mostly Mom and I, but my sisters have come and been wonderful, and he has a sister too, and we have husbands and children). I just want to flee the jurisdiction. I'm probably a bit "peopled out" at this point. I really honestly truly and totally do NOT want to sit with my family and emote. I would do it for my Mom, of course, but she doesn't want that either - she just feels like she is "supposed to."

 

If we had a regular old service, I can't think of where it would be. My parents wouldn't have it in a church. I am not going to set up a religious service because it wasn't what he believed, and I think it would really bother all of us (though for different reasons) to "play church" for one event.

 

So then where do you do a memorial service? And what do you say if you don't talk about God? Who officiates at something like that? My mother would never do something tacky. If a funeral home were even a tiny bit tacky, she wouldn't have a service there. And the problem is, she's the kind of person who finds most options just a tad shabby and tacky. But this is the south. Everything happens in churches, lol. She dropped their club membership when he stopped being able to play golf, and I guess you don't have memorial services in country clubs anyway. Plus, it would remind her how often he abandoned her for golf:) Just kidding. But seriously .....

 

Do I need to really encourage her to have a memorial that people generally can come to? I think it's sort of mean to say 'family only" and then invite her 20 best friends, but not invite his co-workers, caregivers, my friends, neighbors, etc. I'm pretty sure, too, that when she says, "Family only" that's what she means - family plus her 20 hand-picked people. Is that sort of unthoughtful? Or do people do that? Is it different when it's a long illness from when it's very sudden and traumatic? Do people really expect something or is it pretty much "what works for the family."

 

And if we did agree to a Memorial service, what does a secular one look like? Where do you hold it? What options should I consider? We are not going to do a "lets all go to a bar and tell funny Dad stories" kind of thing. Honestly, I am so exhausted I just can't even think about it. I don't want to hear people's stories, you know? I think when you are someone's daughter, you know more about them and .... I just find that people annoy me right now. I think I need time reconciling who he was before the disease with what the last few years have been like, but I don't need other people to do that for me by trying to tell stories about my Dad. You know? I need it on my own time. But I do recognize that they also have had a loss....

 

Anyway, I say "memorial" because he will be cremated. I know that means we can delay as long as we want, but I want to get this over with.

 

 

Many funeral parlors will allow you to have a memorial service in addition to the "viewing". That eliminates the need for a religious service because it's location is a church.

 

It sounds like he had a wonderful, active, happy, and interactive life before the Altz hit him. Was there a place that in those happier days was special to him....perhaps a restaurant, or his business, or the Elks club....whatever......that might be a more appropriate place to have a celebration of his life, rather than a mourning of his death? That is what I have asked to have when my time comes. I don't want people feeling the need to pontificate my life.....it was what it was, seldom even close to perfect but wonderful to me and hopefully to those around me that mattered. So I would like all those I care about to get together and just have a party....loud music (preferably MY favorites, but hey they can throw in some others too I guess), lots and lots of yummy food, maybe some video of all the gaffs and fun I've had....but not speeches and wailing.

 

This is a subject many people don't want to talk about but then when the time comes the loved ones around them struggle like you are now trying to decide what someone else would want. Hopefully this post will help people either talk about it, or if that's too difficult, how about writing it all down and sticking it in with your Will (you DO have a Will of course) so that someone will find it when the time comes. Telling someone that it's there is a great idea if you can do it.

 

My heart goes out to you as you face these unpleasant tasks. May you find peace.

[Aubrey]

Most funeral homes (I think) have space for viewing & for services. My dad's family wasn't very religious, & their services have always been at the home instead of a church. They do bring a pastor in, but that's not necessary, & in their case felt very strange & artificial.

 

When dad's dad died, the pastor spoke, because doing so comforted my grmother. Then dad spoke, because doing so comforted him. I have no idea what the pastor said--I didn't like him. (He was back for dad's funeral too, but again--his presence comforted--stamped?--the occasion for my grmother, & I understand that.)

 

I do remember what dad said, though. My grandfather was a truck driver before I was born, & he was on the road a lot. Dad talked about this & his dad's urge to always "get home." Dad lived about 6 hrs away from his parents once he was grown, & they'd come see him, but his dad would get restless, pack up, & leave before the visit was up. Dad said it was his long-learned urge to "get home." And then he talked about how his dad was, in fact, finally home.

 

He didn't use eloquent language, but he made an incredibly eloquent analogy that was so perfect for my grand dad's life, so fitting & not artificial, like the pastor, & dad's love & respect for his father, whom I really didn't know well, made me see & love my dad better.

 

Not sure this helps at all--but there you go. I hope y'all hang on & make it through. :grouphug: Wish I had something more to offer.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

:grouphug:

 

My heart goes out to you and your family. It sounds like there is a sense of painful tiredness, as you have watched the person you knew as your dad dying before your eyes, first from the Alzheimer's and now from his physical weakness.

 

I was about 13 when my grandparents died and a little younger when my uncle (their son) died. I can remember little about the funerals, but a lot about the wakes, where people did sit around and tell stories about all of them. For many of my extended family (great aunts, second cousins) it was the only occasion where I remember meeting them. Looking back, I've sort of wished that there had been someone with a tape recorder or a video camera who could have captured those stories. I'm not the person that I was 20+ years ago. Stories that were old hat to my dad are forever lost to me, because he doesn't remember them or think to tell me about them.

 

We recently discovered some video of recollections of early rock and roll radio days that involved dh's grandfather. It is incredible to think of him as one of the men who brought the Beatles to Cincinnati and as the developer of certain sound techniques that are still in use. Again, not things that his wife or kids really knew a lot of detail about or would have thought to share.

 

Maybe it is worth delaying a memorial gathering until things don't feel quite so raw. You could have a quite family only funeral and something wider in a few months. Use it as an opportunity to remember a man that you all loved and a chance to collect and store up stories for your kids (who might have far less memory of him before the Alzheimers and no memory of him as a younger man).

 

:grouphug:

[Evergreen State Sue]

When my dad died, he was cremated, and we had the memorial service a month later so that his then wife's family could be there from out of state. My dad lived in a community with houses that surrounded a lake. We found a gazebo near the lake and just asked people to gather there at a certain time. We just thanked people for coming and said if anyone wanted to say anything about their memories with my dad to feel free to share. It was a bit awkward. His wife then stood up and insisted that friends who knew them from their camping outings say something. People were very nice, but you really need to have someone in charge to officiate.