(VENT) New Mom who will not breastfeed... ???

[Brilliant]

... But she is willing to take the night shift (11 pm, 2am, 5am & 8 am feedings) for her daughter. She does it nightly with some help with volunteers -- her vacation time is ending and she has to go back to work. This is one reason the new mom/daughter is deciding to change feeding times. I feel like I should say something. ACK. :confused:

 

This is the most shocking part of your story. You should have led off with this instead of the stuff about the lunches. What kind of mother won't feed her preemies between 11PM and 8AM? I can't think of a reason other than severely disabling PPD or other mental illness, or evil.

[Saille]

This is the most shocking part of your story. You should have led off with this instead of the stuff about the lunches. What kind of mother won't feed her preemies between 11PM and 8AM?

 

That jumped out at me, too. I get that they're probably really tiring during the day, but she does have two other adults there full time, which is a lot more than most new moms have...and a mom of one would have to get up for night feedings. A mom with one infant and a night-waking toddler would have to get up, too. Haven't a lot of us been that person?

[tex-mex]

So much for the good example the pastor's wife should be setting. I would be civil at work functions but otherwise cut ties. How can the pastor lead your home church when he supports his wife being such a flipping user.

 

Well... in full disclosure, the Pastor/houseleader does have tendencies to use people for his own uses (I won't go into it) and then cut off relationships/friendships/etc. when he is done with them. My hubby works for him which makes this whole matter delicate. I am done helping -- I told mom in a polite note no more meals and I cannot (due to my own health issues -- son and I have a rare liver disease) help with late night feedings. But I still get pulled into the drama they cause as others see hubby and I as "elders". Trying to do this in love and boundaries.

 

ETA: And yes, tho' I want to say what I feel about the late night feedings -- I cannot. She will take it the wrong way and I am not her mom nor family. Gotta stay out of it. Good to vent tho' here. :-)

Edited November 16, 2009 by tex-mex

[kmacnchs]

I agree that I would stay out of it or just tell her to talk to a "professional" - she may take it better coming from someone she doesn't know...You telling her how she messed up doesn't help the situation...it's done.

 

As far as her character and her hubby's, that's another story...

 

I would stay away (for fear of frustration overload) but I'm not sure if that is the "right" thing to do...

[tex-mex]

I would try to love her, to understand that I really can't know what her marriage/mental health status is, and to offer what I am really willing to offer and then let her handle the rest. I was in a mother-of-multiples club for a long time, and one thing I really noticed is that when mothers allow people in to help, they open themselves up to having people see their homes, their parenting, their marriages, and then evaluate and make judgments about them and talk about it. If I were going have a heart to heart with her about anything, that's what it would be. She has asked a lot of people and put them in a position to judge her, and now they kind of are. I would tell her this so that she would remember that as much as possible, if she and her husband handle their own situations, they will avoid the judgment of others.

 

Spot on with your discernment on this matter. When and IF the matter ever comes up between a private moment with us... I will prayerfully decide to bring this up. But you bring up the entire matter -- everyone in our homegroup IS involved and either she doesn't know how to say no or likes having this many hands in the soup pot.

[JFSinIL]

She carried twins. She is a new mom. She may NEED those 8 hours to function - no biggie. I'd pass bean dip and not discuss it with her...while backing away, slowly.

 

(I had twins/C-section and b'feed over a year. I was Supermom. Still am ;-) But I do not expect most folks to meet my standards. To each their own, right?)

[melmichigan]

My twins were 35 week premies, you and your church family would been my dream back then. I would agree with most of the advice given. I would also very much second talking to the DH or mom about PPD, risks are higher with multiples. I took meds after my twins were born. But, I'm a nurse and saw my own symptoms.

 

DH and mom should realize that feeding every six hours is out of the question, I would hope, although 4 hours might be possible with full formula. A pediatrician should be making that call based on weights, not a mom basing it on how much sleep she needs.

 

I agree that this mom needs to start standing on her own two feet and begin to work on how to function as a family. I had daytime help, 2-3 days a week for 2-3 hours from a mothers helper. I also had a three year old. She was a godsend and would help with whatever I needed help with, laundry, a feeding, help with dinner or even a nap. :) Something like that would make much more sense if she can't do it on her own. But this was a paid person, not a volunteer who was staying so I could get an 8 hour night sleep. This poor woman needs a real reality check and her DH could use a good talking to; either he needs to help her stand on her own or pay for help to do it. But, that said, I wouldn't have that conversation. They will figure it out, and they won't be alone with the mom there to help out. You did what you could to help and now need to just step back and let them begin as a family.

 

Twinstuff is a great community of twin moms!

 

:grouphug: for being a great help to someone who needed help.

Edited November 17, 2009 by melmichigan

[Laurie4b]

Given what you've said about the dynamics of this marriage, I'd go to the husband. I'd skirt gently around it - something about how when moms are new moms they're often overwhelmed and not hearing what they need to know (which is true) as the reason why you're going to him with it & tell him that these babies need to be fed more often than she's planning.

 

Back it up with something written - a brochure from public health or similar would be ideal. Keep it short and sweet, just the facts.

 

I'm an IBCLC and I'd dearly love to see every baby raised on human milk but that's just not going to happen here. Unless she does a 180 in personality overnight, it is not going to happen. But there is some responsibility to make sure the babies are being fed. If she won't do it, then he'll have to get up at night so she can get her beauty sleep. Somebody has to feed the babies.

 

After that, I'd butt out. It's between them & the children's doctor.

 

I agree. The babies not being fed might be dangerous, so I'd tell them all: mom, husband, and mother (who should know.) The rest is the family's business in terms of her choice to sleep through the night, etc. as long as the babies are not in danger.

 

Sounds like the homechurch will be facing issues in the near future.

[Lovedtodeath]

I don't really see an issue with the breastfeeding, as that's a personal choice. Maybe she does want to do it, but doesn't really understand the work involved. It can be hard for some people.

 

What would irritate me is her expectations. They are totally unrealistic. If her mom is living with her and she has a very devoted husband, I honestly don't see why she would need any outside help at all. Feedings? Meals for 4 WEEKS, and she wants lunch as well? Can we say, "entitlement mentality?" I'd wean her off of all these extras pretty quickly. I can understand SOME help with meals for a week, maybe 2 since she had a c-section and premature twins, but 4 weeks? That's ridiculous, and it's not healthy. She sounds like the type of woman who is only going to expect more the more you offer to her. Cut. Her. Off.

You know what though? I had a C-section and was in terrible shape. It is major surgery. My incision ripped back open and didn't close up for 3 months!

[olan719]

You know what though? I had a C-section and was in terrible shape. It is major surgery. My incision ripped back open and didn't close up for 3 months!

 

:grouphug: My neighbor is going through this right now. She was supposed to go back to the doctor today and see if they could re-stitch or if she was going to have to continue allowing it to heal open. Home health has had to come three times a day to do the wound dressings. It is awful! They initially thought it was MRSA, but it's not, thank goodness. She has had a very rough time.

[NorthwestMom]

The nurse at my dentist's office told me about this fabulous idea. Her DD had twins, and what they did was pay a college student to come to their house every night from 9pm-3am. She changed diapers when the babies awoke, brought them to mom for feedings, then put them back to sleep. When no babies were awake she did laundry, dishes, and got a lunchbox ready for the older sister. Sometimes she needed help from mom or dad when both twins were awake and needy, but by and large a lot was accomplished and mom got more rest.

 

Wouldn't it be GREAT if a laundry fairy did your laundry while you slept?

 

I think you are handling this all very well.

[Audrey]

I would butt out of it. .....

 

If everyone stops listening to the Queen, maybe she'll get over herself.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

She sounds like a person who just wants to hear herself "be right" whether she really is or not. I think people like that are toxic. Look how flustered she's got you. Get away from her and don't give her any more of your time or attention. It will just feed her issues.

[SapphireStitch]

This is the most shocking part of your story. You should have led off with this instead of the stuff about the lunches. What kind of mother won't feed her preemies between 11PM and 8AM? I can't think of a reason other than severely disabling PPD or other mental illness, or evil.

 

What kind of mom? Possibly one who is taking counsel from some books and authors who I will not name who teach that training a baby to sleep through the night is the most spiritual option.

 

A couple more thoughts for the OP: I've had two children who were born at 33 weeks and spent time in the NICU. I was not able to breastfeed either baby. Neither time did I make the decision lightly or without getting as much information as possible. Neither time did I make the decision without many tears and feelings of regret and failure.

 

I mention those experiences to point out that having a preemie or a multiple birth where the baby/ies spend time in the NICU is a difficult, abnormal experience. Abnormal in the sense that very few of a woman's friends will have gone through this, and very often she will not have known ahead of time that she was going to face this. It is scary, it is traumatic, and it has lasting effects on a woman's feelings about her own health and that of her children. I believe, from my experiences and those of others, that this lady COULD VERY LIKELY be feeling exceptionally fragile in a way she's never experienced before. If her normal personality is demanding and pushy and dramatic, that's probably the way she's going to cope with her scary feelings.

 

It's tempting to treat that kind of person the way she treats others, and to point out to her that breastfeeding failed because of her actions. But what purpose would that serve? If your concern is the welfare of the babies I would suggest you put her in touch, not with a lactation consultant but with a support group for mothers of twins or for mothers of preemies.

 

You didn't ask for advice about your church situation, but I'm going to be an old busybody and give some anyway. :) As long as you're in a situation where the pastor and his wife run the show with no other leadership for them to be accountable to, you are going to keep running into situations like this. Perhaps out there somewhere there's a really saintly, mature man with a godly, extraordinarily discreet and wise wife, who could handle a leadership position without any support and accountability... But the Biblical requirement and norm is to have that accountability and support, and it's situations like the one you're in that remind us of why God instituted such precautions.

[Brilliant]

What kind of mom? Possibly one who is taking counsel from some books and authors who I will not name who teach that training a baby to sleep through the night is the most spiritual option.

 

 

 

I know what you're talking about...but that doesn't sound like this woman. She actually wants the babies to get fed...but she won't do it! She lets her mother, husband, and "volunteers" do it all night long.

[Lovedtodeath]

 

What kind of mom? Possibly one who is taking counsel from some books and authors who I will not name who teach that training a baby to sleep through the night is the most spiritual option.

I think that the babywhisperer has gentler advice, but still offers mom's some advice as to how to not be feeding a baby every 2 hours 24/7, and is a great introduction to learning that babies have NEEDS (hello) that superscede the adults.

[justamouse]

But when she insists she is right on her being able to breastfeed (I think she is drying up) and now trying to switch the babies from feeding every 3 hours to feeding every 6 hours (at 5 weeks -- preemies) to fit HER SLEEP schedule. I think it is selfish. BUt I am keeping my mouth shut. Just venting to y'all. Am I out of line?

 

 

OK, THIS is where I started screaming. SCREECHING.

 

Having HAD preemie twins (whom I had the fortune of taking home due to their turkey propensity 4.0 oz and 5.2 at 34 weeks) I know for ****ed Sure that they feed every TWO hours. And at THAT I was freaking about how they didn't gain all too well due to their lack of ability to latch properly (they were teeney!).

 

ACKKK! *runs flailing about*

 

And she's sleeping 8 hours a night? GAAAHHH!!

 

Where the bejesus is her Nurse Mother pulling her ear and correcting her?

[justamouse]

But the Biblical requirement and norm is to have that accountability and support, and it's situations like the one you're in that remind us of why God instituted such precautions.

 

You need to read Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola.

[katemary63]

Wow! Honestly, my first thought was wondering how you can stay under his leadership if he can't even control his own house.

 

I am not sure you can really say much unless asked specifically about the whole nursing issue. Her mother is a nurse and should know how breastfeeding goes and can tell her. If she chooses not to hear or listen, that is her own issue.

 

As for the food......I am beyond words. If I take you food (now I will ask for preferences usually) and you don't like it.....don't eat it and if I find out you gossiped about it or turned up your nose at it, that will be the LAST time I bring you food.

 

Wow, guess I am in a fiesty mood. :lol:

 

Yeah, I wouldn't be going to that church.

[tex-mex]

Thanks to all with the words of wisdom! :grouphug::grouphug:

I really needed to vent -- oh my goodness. And yes, keeping my distance from the new mom while still being kind and loving. The last thing I want to do is create a war and chaos in our housechurch. You are all right -- I realize she is using us and hopefully with this new boundary (the talk we had and my polite note to her) I set up... I won't get walked all over. Gotta do it in love, tho'! ;)

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[tex-mex]

OK, THIS is where I started screaming. SCREECHING.

 

Having HAD preemie twins (whom I had the fortune of taking home due to their turkey propensity 4.0 oz and 5.2 at 34 weeks) I know for ****ed Sure that they feed every TWO hours. And at THAT I was freaking about how they didn't gain all too well due to their lack of ability to latch properly (they were teeney!).

 

ACKKK! *runs flailing about*

 

And she's sleeping 8 hours a night? GAAAHHH!!

 

Where the bejesus is her Nurse Mother pulling her ear and correcting her?

 

Yup, I'm being a worrywart over this one... but am at a loss as to the new mom thinking she doesn't need my advice, kwim? Eeeek. :confused:

[Guest janainaz]

It's her babies and her life. Do what you feel led to do and stay out of it. You can not tell a new mother how to handle her child(ren). I get the whole breastfeeding thing, I have been in the situation of trying to help new moms understand how it all works. I've learned that all you can do is to offer your input and knowledge/experience and let her do her thing. It's insane and crazy that a new mother with twins would have the luxury of getting 8 hours of sleep a night, it's unheard of by most mothers. When you breastfeed a baby and do it right, it requires full surrender of the princess crown!

 

Just laugh it off.

[Lovedtodeath]

Okay, I did a quick search: Babywise is known to have horrible scheduling with malnourished babies and it says every 2.5-3.5 hours from weeks 5-8! And that's not for a preemie.

 

With babywhisperer, which is big on scheduling, a full term 8 week old can sometimes sleep for 6 hours, and 6-7 hours is what is called "sleeping through the night". Before that stretch they get a lot of tanking up, with feeding every 90 min or so for the last 2-3 feeds, one called the dreamfeed, when baby is alredy in bed.

 

If I remember correctly, babywise is about the same in that respect.

 

Both books pretty much say to stay on demand for the first 7 weeks just working on getting full feeds in (for a full term baby). Get the girl some good baby care books!

Edited November 17, 2009 by Lovedtodeath

[teamturner]

When my twins were born (almost 10 years ago now) we were separated for a few days while I was in ICU and my twins were in the NICU. Once I was recovering from my stuff, I immediately started pumping. Once we were all home (twins were then 2 weeks old), I bottle fed at night, nursed in the day, and pumped every 3 hours until I got my milk supply up. I eventually had enough milk that I could stop the formula. I had help during the night from my parents and hubby until they were 6 weeks old. All through that time I got up at every feeding and when my help went back to sleep I pumped before I slept. I never got more than an hour of sleep for all that time until they were older and I didn't have to pump anymore.

 

I can't imagine expecting others to let me sleep through the night while they were up taking care of my babies. There is something wrong with this situation. It sounds like the situation will get rectified once the hubby starts traveling again and the grandmother starts working. If they want additional help at this point, they need to look at paying for a night nurse or something. They can't expect friends and family to continue supporting them in this way. That's just outrageous, imo.

[Miss Sherry]

Stay out of her personal space as much as possible. She could be having some undiagnosed health problems that you know nothing about or something else could be going on with her that you know nothing about. For one thing, it would be way more exhausting to have a C-section at the age of 33 than 22 or so.

I would just suggest to her that she talk to a lactation specialist and a pediatrician about the nursing and baby issues.

You are not obligated to bring her lunch or anything else so just stop doing it. But yes, her demands are excessive. I would just do what I thought was reasonable and not worry about the rest. I would feel a need to vent too.

Also, you could bring up the issue of how often a baby should be fed at the age of her babies and offer to give her some baby books.

By the way, I think you are being a caring person and are genuinely concerned about her and the babies. But some people don't want advice. If you decide to give it anyway, she may not be too nice about it so brace yourself.

Edited November 17, 2009 by Miss Sherry

[zaichiki]

When you breastfeed a baby and do it right, it requires full surrender of the princess crown!

 

:lol: Love that sentence! :lol:

[Cindyg]

If I were you, I'd uninvolve myself from this situation immediately. No more meals. No more helping with the babies. No more unwanted advice. I wouldn't even ask how breastfeeding is going or how often the babies are feeding. Just go home.

 

This woman is not going to develop into a mother as long as someone else is there to do it for her and listen to her drama. The family needs quiet, privacy, *reality*, and to develop their own rhythms.

 

Go home. And don't go back.

[tex-mex]

When you breastfeed a baby and do it right, it requires full surrender of the princess crown!

 

Just laugh it off.

 

:lol: Thanks! Your quote is going in my index drawer... LOL

[Pippen]

If I were you, I'd uninvolve myself from this situation immediately. No more meals. No more helping with the babies. No more unwanted advice. I wouldn't even ask how breastfeeding is going or how often the babies are feeding. Just go home.

 

This woman is not going to develop into a mother as long as someone else is there to do it for her and listen to her drama. The family needs quiet, privacy, *reality*, and to develop their own rhythms.

 

Go home. And don't go back.

 

I agree, only I suggest that you give the family a heads up a week or so early, and back down on meals and help during this time.

 

You will be doing this couple a favor by gently withdrawing and allowing them to become a family. Those three adults will learn how to handle life with their two babies only when they learn to care for them, including listening and responding to the nighttime cries of hungry babies.

[Cammie]

If I were you, I'd uninvolve myself from this situation immediately. No more meals. No more helping with the babies. No more unwanted advice. I wouldn't even ask how breastfeeding is going or how often the babies are feeding. Just go home.

 

This woman is not going to develop into a mother as long as someone else is there to do it for her and listen to her drama. The family needs quiet, privacy, *reality*, and to develop their own rhythms.

 

Go home. And don't go back.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[unsinkable]

The nurse at my dentist's office told me about this fabulous idea. Her DD had twins, and what they did was pay a college student to come to their house every night from 9pm-3am. She changed diapers when the babies awoke, brought them to mom for feedings, then put them back to sleep. When no babies were awake she did laundry, dishes, and got a lunchbox ready for the older sister. Sometimes she needed help from mom or dad when both twins were awake and needy, but by and large a lot was accomplished and mom got more rest.

 

Wouldn't it be GREAT if a laundry fairy did your laundry while you slept?

 

I think you are handling this all very well.

 

I had a postpartum care business 14 years ago and I charged $15/hour to do this during the day. I would have charged more for overnight.

[mommaduck]

When you breastfeed a baby and do it right, it requires full surrender of the princess crown!

 

 

 

LOVE it and so very, very true.