Alison in KY Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 How important would you consider it if you had a preacher that some would consider not very friendly, yet they were an awesome preacher? Our church is awesome, we have the package deal, etc, but our preacher isn't typical and dh is frustrated that when he walks by the guy he doesn't greet him...it's like his mind is elsewhere. He's afraid he's putting on a show because when he's off the pulpit he has never really talked to dh...maybe a hello, but not very often. That being said preacher guy is extremely busy and if dh made an appointment to meet with him then I'm sure preacher would devote time to dh. This frustrated me because I don't want to leave churches, but I see what dh is talking about. I'm tempted to discuss with preacher, but I'd be a ball of nerves if I did it...dh would just never talk to him and leave church, but I value the church to much for that. Alison Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 To me, the good preaching would be more important than a "glad hand" kind of personality. From what you say in your post, his mind probably is else-where - if he is that busy. I would invite him and his family if he has one, to come over some Sunday afternoon or on a Monday (a typical pastor's day off) to completely relax. Shoot the breeze with him and get to know him but without asking him all your deep theological questions! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyWifeandMommy Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Our pastor don't go our of her way with conversations, you have to go with her. Now she does conversate with the 'old timers' but we have been going off and on and she's only been to our house once and we do small talk after church. We are leaving soon so I am done trying to be more converastional with her. Maybe you can start talking to him and maybe invite him over one night for dinner or afterwards for dessert time. Or after service. Maybe he is waiting for you to engage in the conversations? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kristen62 Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I agree with Jean in Newcastle. When you think of all the demands on a pastor on Sunday morning its no wonder they do as well as they do. Yes, invite the family over during the week. They wife might be pleased that she doesn't have to cook a meal. Yes, don't ask deep theological questions. Let them know ahead it is just to get to know them better.:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alison in KY Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 Well, to me he's hard to have casual conversation with...I just don't know what to say to the guy. I've had that same problem with other preachers...I just can't think of what to say to them, other than a hello and a how are you :001_huh:, so inviting him over to dinner...well that just seems weird, I think we'd all be sitting around with nothing to say to each other...still he's an awesome preacher:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 that includes pastors. Not all pastors are outgoing, talkative people. Some are the quiet, studious type. If the preaching/teaching was good, and you liked everything else about the church, I would cut the guy some slack, and continue attending the church. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I think Jean made an excellent suggestion. I was wondering also how big the church is?? If the congregation size is very large, then it might be difficult for the pastor to meet and speak with everyone. I've been going to my church since 1996. I even serve there and I've never once had a conversation with my pastor. Our congregations is 20,000 strong though so I don't really expect to, but I know several of the assistant pastors very well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Well, to me he's hard to have casual conversation with...I just don't know what to say to the guy. I've had that same problem with other preachers...I just can't think of what to say to them, other than a hello and a how are you :001_huh:, so inviting him over to dinner...well that just seems weird, I think we'd all be sitting around with nothing to say to each other...still he's an awesome preacher:001_smile: What to say: How is your week going? Have you had any vacation plans for this year? (If they haven't gone yet) Seen any good movies lately? Read any good books? You know - the kinds of things you would say to a neighbor that you don't know well but are reaching out to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 depends on the size. we went to a large church and you had to do the class before joining so the pastor had met everyone who joined but he only smiled when he passed in the halls. I took a bible study with him and then I got more of a hello. But it was a big church and I bet a lot of people he did not know and only smiled at. now if he knows you and still doesn't say much it's a little odd, but he may truly be thinking..... I am not in a TINY church and my pastor is very friendly but I am learning he's better in the pulpit than at the counseling stuff although my recent life has put him in the spot to try harder. And I just had to accept that he may be a better preacher than a pastor if you know what I mean. And we want the preaching to be right on :-) Other people can fill in the nurturing part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth Conley Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I really don't care if the pastor isn't friendly or not. If s/he isn't downright hostile and difficult, I'm grateful. If the leadership isn't an actual impediment to healthy fellowship, then I can simply build good relationships with other members of the congregation. That's more than enough for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Well, it's the religion/church that's important, not really a particular preacher or pastor. It's a little depressing to sit through a dull homily. We have a priest at our church, who I nicknamed, "the mean priest", and I just love it when it is his turn to deliver the homily. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 As a pastor's wife ;) I agree with the suggestion of inviting him over. I would say it's better to offer time during the week vs. on his day off. Pastors are usually very overworked and their day off is special for family stuff. As for conversation? Pretend he's a normal person that you are trying to get to know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 This would not bother me, unless the pastor was actually hostile. Introverted? Quiet? Preoccupied? All of those are perfectly acceptable. His job, after all, is not to be the church greeter, but rather to be the church teacher/preacher. If he is teaching the Bible with accuracy and insight then he is doing his job. I would then say that the onus is on you, if you want more of a friendship, to be a friend to him. There are a lot of people at church. He cannot be expected to know all of them, especially if he happens to be introverted. Go out of your way to greet him. Invite him to your home for dessert or dinner sometime. And when you do, don't talk church business--play games and talk to him as friends. Believe me, he will sooooo appreciate it. All too often the pastor is expected to be on duty as pastor and counselor 24/7, with precious little return in terms of genuine friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtroad Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Depends upon your congregation & even your denomination... if you are a Pastor led church it can be very important to the comfort & well being of the church family. If you are in an elder led church and the pastor is simply the teacher & one of several elders.... the others can fill in his weak area. It can make a difference in the feelings of the flock. It is a weakness, but he does need to improve. Has DH ever spoken with him or ask him? Does DH go up & encourage him to engage in conversation? Sometimes neglect comes b/c the person may feel you do not want to be approached. I am a bit of a stand off person...I do not care for chit-chat... so I really don't talk to my Pastor much at all. I talk to him when we have something to actually say. I wouldn't leave a good church until I had explored the possibilities & encouraged the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janna Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 We attend a decent sized church (size is subjective. It averages 550 - to some this is small, to others it's big). We know our pastor *very* well. I am friends with his wife, dh and pastor are friends, we have had them over for dinner many times, they came to our home for Easter last year...we know them. ;) But, he doesn't talk to us on Sunday. I mean, certainly there's a "Hey Janna" real quick in passing, but sometimes even *that* doesn't happen. He will talk to dh on Sunday mornings but that's because they are both there at 7am well before anyone is there for services. But once services start...forget about it. The reason? Well, our pastor is very "seeker sensitive". Meaning, he's looking for people he *doesn't* know, hasn't seen before etc.... Sometimes, on the off chance he *is* talking to dh or I, it's like he's looking "through" us - meaning his eyes aren't engaged on us, but looking behind us - always scoping out for other people. At first we thought this was horribly rude. We thought he was looking for someone "better" to talk to. But it truly is on his heart to introduce himself to people he doesn't know, or at least be *available* if someone wants to introduce him to someone new. If this isn't your situation, then I agree that some pastors are very introverted and/or very busy/thought-occupied. I also encourage you to invite him and his family over for dinner. We are blessed to have a young pastor with kids similar in ages to our 2 oldest - so having the whole family over works great because the kids play together. Hopefully that helps you some! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alison in KY Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 Janna, this might be what he's doing to us, although we don't really know him like your talking about. I'm glad your pastor doesn't talk to you on Sunday's much....because if it's like our church, it feels like if you aren't in the pastor's click, then you aren't spoken too. At least this is dh's feelings All I can say is that he's not a traditional guy and his wife is way different from what you'd expect...she actually keeps to herself alot, so she's not there by his side meeting and greeting. She surrounds herself with a select few people. As I've been told, she didn't sign up to be a pastor's wife, and she just isnt' the huggy outgoing type...therefore I feel like it'd be torture on both counts to invite them over to dinner:001_huh: Oh well, we'll either talk to him about our concerns, or go chuch hunting...which I really dont' want to do, but if dh isn't willing to talk to the pastor then I have no options. I'll keep praying about it. In the end, both dh and I just want to make sure the pastor is talking the talk and walking the walk. Alison Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jugglin'5 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Janna, this might be what he's doing to us, although we don't really know him like your talking about. I'm glad your pastor doesn't talk to you on Sunday's much....because if it's like our church, it feels like if you aren't in the pastor's click, then you aren't spoken too. At least this is dh's feelings All I can say is that he's not a traditional guy and his wife is way different from what you'd expect...she actually keeps to herself alot, so she's not there by his side meeting and greeting. She surrounds herself with a select few people. As I've been told, she didn't sign up to be a pastor's wife, and she just isnt' the huggy outgoing type...therefore I feel like it'd be torture on both counts to invite them over to dinner:001_huh: Oh well, we'll either talk to him about our concerns, or go chuch hunting...which I really dont' want to do, but if dh isn't willing to talk to the pastor then I have no options. I'll keep praying about it. In the end, both dh and I just want to make sure the pastor is talking the talk and walking the walk. Alison Speaking as an introvert, I do much better talking in a smaller setting, like a dinner, than I ever do out in public. Many introverts just feel more comfortable in a different setting, so a dinner invitation may be just the thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I used to attend a very large church, the biggest in our city (which is big), and the church services were broadcast on TV and everything. The pastor was an awesome man of God. He would get up there in front of all of those people and those TV cameras every Sunday and preach awesome messages. And you know what? He was the most introverted person ever. He was afraid to talk to people he didn't know, he didn't go out in public very much, etc. He was just so introverted....and yet God gave him boldness to get up there and preach His word. So I do not necessarily think that pastors have to be extroverted and everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
afeminame Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Hey there Alison, In this situation, I'd definitley make it a point to say "Hello." After a while you better believe your Pastor will be looking for you to say hi. Then maybe you can ask him in a loving way why is he not approachable? For sure I think this needs to be done before your husband even decides to leave the church. Your Pastor has a right to know why you are leaving. That like having a problem with someone and not letting them know, in order to make adjustments to irradicate the situation. If he's still not approachable in church, make an appointment and address the situation. Pastors should be able to display love toward their flock. Maybe he is unaware that his demeanor is not one that welcomes others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janna Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Gently Alison... I hear what you're saying and what your dh is feeling, but don't you think, if you decide to leave the church because of this, that you owe it to the pastor to let him know? I am the ministry leader for a community garden at our church. If there was something I was doing (or not doing, in the case of your pastor) that so disturbed someone that they would no longer be a part of the garden even though they *loved* the garden and what it did for the community, was well run, organized etc...but they just had an issue with *me*, I would be so hurt that I didn't know about it to either explain myself or make it right. I would be burdened with the thought that *I* caused someone to leave and there was nothing I could have done to make it better. Or at least *try* to make it better, you know? Obviously, it's awkward to just go up to the pastor and say, "Hey, we're bothered that you don't talk to us." Which is why having him over for dinner is a good idea. You can have his wife and him over and discover that either a.) it's his personality and he's just as difficult to talk to in an intimate setting or b.) he's so much easier to talk to in an intimate setting, and by golly his wife is nice too! or c.) well, he talked to us more but his personality is kinda bland and his wife was difficult to get to know. In any of those situations you'll be closer to an answer as well as the truth (which sets us free). It's possible that in any of those scenarios, come the following Sunday he *would* say "hi" to you or your dh. It's possible he won't, too, but then you would know better what to do and you gave him the benefit of the doubt. When you have them over you could easily begin the conversation with, "We're so glad you're here! (insert dh's name) and I wanted to have you over so we could get to know you a little better. We just love your teaching on Sunday mornings, but we know you're so busy Sunday morning that we haven't ever had a conversation with you. So welcome!" or something like that. I hope your dh goes for this and you warm up to the idea too. You can always post here what good conversation starters would be in case there are awkward silences. But you're only going to know that he's "walking the walk" if you are with him outside of his "talking the talk". Peace and hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Not everyone is glib or easy at small talk. I wouldn't leave a church just due to the pastor not being as social as you might be. Maybe the guy is more of an introvert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OHGrandma Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Janna, this might be what he's doing to us, although we don't really know him like your talking about. I'm glad your pastor doesn't talk to you on Sunday's much....because if it's like our church, it feels like if you aren't in the pastor's click, then you aren't spoken too. At least this is dh's feelings All I can say is that he's not a traditional guy and his wife is way different from what you'd expect...she actually keeps to herself alot, so she's not there by his side meeting and greeting. She surrounds herself with a select few people. As I've been told, she didn't sign up to be a pastor's wife, and she just isnt' the huggy outgoing type...therefore I feel like it'd be torture on both counts to invite them over to dinner:001_huh: Oh well, we'll either talk to him about our concerns, or go chuch hunting...which I really dont' want to do, but if dh isn't willing to talk to the pastor then I have no options. I'll keep praying about it. In the end, both dh and I just want to make sure the pastor is talking the talk and walking the walk. Alison How long has he been your pastor? Also, Sunday mornings right after church is not real good for chatting. If he spent only a couple minutes with each person, how long would it be before everyone had talked to him? And he's probably already put in 6 hours of work by the time the service is over, at least 5. Ask them over or take them out to dinner during the week. Ask where they grew up, about their families, anything you'd talk to neighbors about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennefer@SSA Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 The other side of the coin...we attend a large church - about 4,000. Dh is the Teaching Pastor and an elder. He is considered an excellent speaker and leader. He loves to teach God's Word to His people and lead the staff. He is also amazing gifted at all things artistic and handles much of the graphic design our church needs and writes much of the curriculum, too. That being said, he is low on shepherding gifts. That is why we are not at a church of 100 people where the pastor has to do it all. We have other staff that do pastoral care and small groups share that responsibility as well. A small church would not be a good fit for us. As for dinner, I skimmed the other replies and didn't see the size of your church mentioned (although I probably just missed it). Honestly if you are at a large church and they are introverts and/or have insanely busy schedules sometimes dinners are a very hard thing. I know they are for us. We have no family in town to keep kids. Money is tight so getting a sitter is tough financially. Our oldest has Asperger's and ADHD so if kids are invited sometimes it's.just.not.fun. There are tons of scenarios that could lend the what of your pastor behind the why of his behavior. Don't know if that helps at all. Stepping out of my pastor's wife role...if it were me, an excellent communicator of God's Word would rank much higher than someone to care for me. That's just my personality though. I am a thinker and love great teaching! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Lynn Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I don't know your situation, but I do know that people vary wildly. :) My dh used to be an assoc. pastor. He was much more administrative/teaching than the other pastors and he was also much more likely to walk right past someone without speaking or even noticing them. He had things on his mind and he was trying to get things done. He could use some improvement in this area, but it is also the very same thing that has helped him in his work. He is very focused. We love to have people over to our house. Then they are the focus. He is very different in that situation. The thing that would be the most important for me is the fruit of the ministry. Take a close look. What is the result of his ministry? Sometimes it is a heart for missions or local evangelism or personal in depth study of the Bible or hospitality or faith or ... If he has been there 5 years, then the fruit is there. I say 5 years, because I think sometimes it is difficult to see it as clearly much sooner. If there is good fruit, then I wouldn't care if the guy was terribly friendly or not. I would have issues if he were truly unkind or hostile as others have said, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetpeach Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Hi Alison (I haven't read this entire thread . . . forgive me if I'm repeating): These are my thoughts: a) in a church of 500 + (even in a church of 100+), the pastor can't "pastor" all of the people that walk through on a Sunday morning. We've attended our church for 4+ years, and chitty-chatting with our lead pastor, especially on a Sunday morning, would be out of the question. b) Does your church promote joining a small group? In my opinion, it's at the small church level that people really build relationships and find friends that they can gnatter with on a Sunday morning. The expectation that your pastor can chitty-chat is a tall order to meet, esp. in a large church, esp. on a Sunday morning. c) Aloof lead pastors make me crazy because I think relationship with your people is key, but they are human and it's hard to make conversation with everyone. Introverted personalities are that way, regardless of career choice. Doesn't mean your pastor doesn't have to try, but he may have tried with the 10 people that walked in before your DH and now his head is 1/2 way into his sermon. d) If your dh is really annoyed by your lead pastors inability to converse, I would definitely recommend a weekday visit. If dh could first ask pastor how he's managing, how are things, how are the stress-levels of this particular season, I think the conversation would take off. Sometimes, I think people live in this land of "My lead pastor should make me feel welcome, comfortable, chit-chat on a Sunday morning" when in my opinion, that's the job of the "core church". You know, the folks that are sold-out with the vision of a particular church-family and are always looking to extend the tent-pegs. Wishing you well. Warmly, Tricia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 that includes pastors. Not all pastors are outgoing, talkative people. Some are the quiet, studious type. If the preaching/teaching was good, and you liked everything else about the church, I would cut the guy some slack, and continue attending the church. :001_smile: :iagree: Our old preacher was an extreme introvert, but was the most gifted preacher I've ever heard. Also, we have a large congregation and it would have been impossible for him to be "friends" with everyone there. I don't think it would be fair to ask it of him. After service, he'd rush right out to his car and get home. We have different minister to help care for the congregation besides our elders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alison in KY Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 Just want to make clear that what I'm talking about here is just not getting a simple hello, good morning...not a great friendship....just an acknowledgement. Not even speaking to one of my kids...who looks up to this guy. Is this just an introvert thing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetpeach Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Just want to make clear that what I'm talking about here is just not getting a simple hello, good morning...not a great friendship....just an acknowledgement. Not even speaking to one of my kids...who looks up to this guy. Is this just an introvert thing? Welllllll, maybe (and I enter into this conversation very gently), but I'll give you my next three cents worth. Since January, I've had more insight into the land of pastoring because I accepted a Management Team position with our church family and I have to hear (first hand, whether I want to or not) all about the inner-workings and stress that our lead pastor has to manage. It's hard not taking something personally that feels so personal. I think it's a normal thing to want some affirmation/validation from our Lead Pastor . . . an acknowledgement that we're all in this together. I also have heard our Lead Pastor speak about different people who've cornered him and asked why he didn't say hello, offer a greeting, shake hands, chat . . . I know it grieves him when people feel hurt, feel over-looked by him. A pastor can't pastor scads of people. Now that I've taken on a role at our church that makes my head feel full (and it's a miniscule role compared to that of our pastors), I sometimes don't talk to enough people. Sometimes I'm beyond busy in my brain. I guess I'm saying that if it super bothers you, you might want to make a week-day appointment and speak to your pastor about the hurty bits of feeling rejection and that your kids crave a bit of interaction with him. Warmly, Tricia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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