Can't decide if I'm mad or just sad....

[AlmiraGulch]

Let me preface this by saying I've had a long, stressful week, capped off by an atrociously bad, icing on the underbaked, unsweetened, stuck-to-the-pan cake of a horrible day. I haven't been sleeping, I'm behind at work and school, and in a bit of an unexpected financial pinch. SO.....I'm probably just being overly emotional and irrational.

 

BUT....

 

The truth is, my mother really has some sort of strange problem with me, and MAN does it hurt my feelings. Sometimes more than others, like today.

 

I'm the youngest of six kids, and I've never been particularly close to my mom. My dad...yes. Mom? Not so much. I feel like no matter what I do, she has to cut me down, contradict, prove me wrong...whatever. The thing is she doesn't do this to any of the others. Well...that's not true. She's pretty much the same way with one of my sisters but then she (sister, B.) has chosen to handle it by severely limiting her interaction with our mother. I can't do that, for some reason. Still hoping that she'll "like" me at some point, I guess. Pathetic, I know. I'm not imagining it, either. I lived with is without saying anything for years until I finally spoke to another sister about it. She dismissed it at first but then started paying attention, and now she sees it pretty clearly, too.

 

For example, I made a stupid note on Facebook about 15 Movies. One of the movie titles I'd gotten wrong, and her response, as a reply to my note, was "Movie X? Who are you kidding? How could it have had such a profound effect on your life if you can't even remember the title." Huh???? What the BEEP was THAT all about? Then tonight, my brother was posting about how he's traveling for work, just got to his hotel and still had 3 or 4 more hours of work to do, and that he misses his family. I responded saying that I totally understand and commiserate with how he feels; that I also had several hours of work left to do and would be working all weekend, and that I feel like I haven't seen my kids all week and we're all in the same house. Mother's response? "Yeah, but you can do it from your own room" (I work from home). Response to him? "That's so bad! You need to put the work away and go have yourself a big steak dinner."

 

I know this probably seems petty but I get this stuff ALL THE TIME, and it just kind of wears a person down. I've given it a lot of thought and I think it's because my mother always champions the underdog, and she considers me anything but an underdog. She has actually told me that everything has always just fallen into place for me, and that I've lived a "charmed life." WHAT?!?!? Whose life has she been peering into for nearly 38 years? I've worked my tail off my entire life, including paying my own way through college with no help at all from my parents. I got married too young, had to file bankruptcy, ended up a divorced single mother. Don't get me wrong...I really am happy and certainly don't think I've had a horrible life or anything, so I'm not complaining. But in her mind, everything just "falls into place" for me, while most of my brothers and sisters have had obstacles to overcome (I haven't?), so she has to...what? I don't know...protect them? Save them? Maybe she feels like they need her and I don't/didnt? Every girl needs her mother, even when we're mothers ourselves. Honestly, I wish I didn't, because I wouldn't continue to be disappointed when she just doesn't give me any emotional support whatsoever. Tonight I felt like I wanted to maybe call and "virtually" cry on my mom's shoulder, and maybe get a symbolic pat on the head or something. I didn't call, and now I'm glad.

 

Anyway, I appreciate the opportunity to vent. It's late, I'm exhausted and I really needed to get it off of my chest. This, too, shall pass.

 

Until the next time it happens....Sigh...

[Renai]

:grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm sorry. :sad:

 

Maybe you could take some note-writing lessons from some of these people and make yourself feel better? Offered only to help lift your spirits. :grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

Thanks,both of you, for the hugs! I really do appreciate it.

 

Seriously, though, that web site is awesome. If you don't laugh reading some of those there is something wrong with you, and I don't care how much your mother hates you!!! :D

[KidsHappen]

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Just a thought, but have you thought about changing your responses?

 

You could try answering every one of her major snarks with '

"Mom, you're so funny, you crack me up" and say nothing else. Do it with a smile when you are in person.

 

Alternatively, never reply to snark, but be effusively friendly when there is non-snark. Hug her a lot. Nothing like surprize for getting someone's attention :)

 

Or, privately, reply with simple honest questions. "I am wondering why you would say something as rude as XXXXX" or "Wow, that comment hurt my feelings. Did you know you do that?" and not get drawn into back and forths. Simple, calm, truthful comments, and again be positive when there isn't snark.

 

Just some thoughts. Sometimes it isn't worth the effort to change things (like if you try, all your sibs will roar down your throat in her defense). As a comfort to you, she is jealous of you, and you could try to just feel sorry for her and her petty mind.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[johnandtinagilbert]

there are two choices:

bring it to her attention

walk away from her

 

You don't need her approval to live a happy life. Really.

 

You don't need her in your life to make things harder. Really.

[MariannNOVA]

and it's understandable that you are feeling the way you are feeling.

 

:grouphug:

 

You might consider that you will likely not be getting from mom what you would like to get from mom - and I don't think you are looking for anything extraordinary, you are looking to get from her what any child looks to get from his/her mom.....I think it is somewhat clear that for some reason of mom's, you aren't going to get it.

 

Is there someone else who can give you the very basic kindness you are looking to get from her? An older sibling, an aunt, a church friend, someone? And, when you are feeling like you need that little bit of kindness, begin practicing some ways to be kind to yourself -- a special cup of tea, 5 minutes sitting in your favorite chair and closing your eyes and relaxing. Something nice that you do for you. For a little while, you need to put mom at arm's length, or further away while you develop and implement a plan that provides 'self-preservation' for you.

 

HTH. And, I have btdt with my mom -- it took some years and me putting some distance between us, but we are there now. BTW, my grand mother ALWAYS did that to my mom and never stopped. You will probably need to be the catalyst for change.

[amy g.]

I just want to tell you that it does not sound petty to me at all.

 

My mother's family always played favorites, and my mom has lasting scars from never being good enough.

 

And yet...when I was still pregnant with my 2nd child, she started in on how she would never love him as much as my first born.

 

That was one of the things that pushed me to quit having contact with her. I'm sure that you don't need to do anything that extreme.

 

When I start feeling bad about my mom, I think about how close and loving my kids are to each other. I take great comfort in being the one to break the cycle of dysfunction.

[swellmomma]

:grouphug: I know how it feels all too much to have your mother treat you like that. None of it sounds petty to me. My mom plays favorites, I have always known that. She has never liked me, has never respected me as a person let alone a woman and mother. Until recently I thought my dad felt the same but he told me they don't trust me and that they think I am out to ruin them. Nice eh. I am learning to distance myself and think of myself as an orphan. For 32 years I have tried to make them like me, tried to prove myself to them, but nothing was/is ever good enough, so I give up.

[AlmiraGulch]

there are two choices:

bring it to her attention

walk away from her

 

You don't need her approval to live a happy life. Really.

 

You don't need her in your life to make things harder. Really.

 

I hear you.

 

I'm not actually unhappy at all, but I can't help but wish things were different with her. Usually it's ok...I can keep it nice. We only see each other once or twice a year anyway. Sometimes, though, in those times when I'm feeling most vulnerable, I'm affected by it.

 

And no, I'll never bring it to her attention again. I tried that tactic and she will never see it. My sisters and I joke that she's really Egyptian...you know, the Queen of Denial. ;) I also will not walk away. She is great to my kids and I will not alienate my whole family (which is really what would happen, right or wrong) because of this.

 

Still.....not fun....

[AlmiraGulch]

:grouphug: I know how it feels all too much to have your mother treat you like that. None of it sounds petty to me. My mom plays favorites, I have always known that. She has never liked me, has never respected me as a person let alone a woman and mother. Until recently I thought my dad felt the same but he told me they don't trust me and that they think I am out to ruin them. Nice eh. I am learning to distance myself and think of myself as an orphan. For 32 years I have tried to make them like me, tried to prove myself to them, but nothing was/is ever good enough, so I give up.

I'm so sorry!!! I cannot even imagine my parents saying those things to me.

 

I wonder what makes them (my mother included) this way? :confused: I absolutely cannot imagine treating my children like that. I look at them and even in their/my worst moments, they're still my children.

 

I don't get it.

[AlmiraGulch]

Just some thoughts. Sometimes it isn't worth the effort to change things (like if you try, all your sibs will roar down your throat in her defense). As a comfort to you, she is jealous of you, and you could try to just feel sorry for her and her petty mind.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

You're right here...it just isn't worth it, and it will not change.

 

Interesting observation about her being jealous of me. I think there is truth to that (which I find sick, but whatever). I don't know if it's because I did some things that she wishes she had instead of making the choices she did, or because I think she sees herself as the ultimate underdog and martyr, and I'm neither, or something else. But yeah...I think you're on to something.

 

I'm not going to cut off my relationship with her, so I'll just have to keep dealing with it on the occasions that it bugs me and try to cherish those times that are good.

 

BTW, to everyone who has responded, THANK YOU! It never ceases to amaze how warmly people respond to others that they don't even know on this board.

[AmeliaJade]

You are probably both mad and sad and who could blame you. I can very much relate. My own mother used to tell me as I was growing up that she loved me because she had to. "I love you because I have to, you're my daughter. But I don't like you." Yep, you can never hear that enough. Or she would always tell me how she was disappointed when I was born because she wanted a boy. My brother was born 4 years later. When I was pregnant with my third son she said, "You're so lucky. I would have liked to have had all boys." Gee, thanks mom.

 

She was never interested in my life until 2006. By then I was nearing 32. My dad left her and suddenly I was so important to her. She calls all the time now and wants to know everything going on. I realize she is lonely and making an effort but I still hold a lot of resentment toward her. Growing up she wouldn't let me hug her and now she hugs me. I stiffen up every time because it is so odd.

 

On one hand I try to appreciate that after all these years she has finally shown an interest but then on the other hand I'm just thinking it is too little too late.

 

It is funny how we grow up, start our own families and yet still have this great need to please our parents. I don't think you are being petty at all. Who could expect you not to be hurt?

Edited August 15, 2009 by AmeliaJade

[johnandtinagilbert]

I hear you.

 

I'm not actually unhappy at all, but I can't help but wish things were different with her. Usually it's ok...I can keep it nice. We only see each other once or twice a year anyway. Sometimes, though, in those times when I'm feeling most vulnerable, I'm affected by it.

 

And no, I'll never bring it to her attention again. I tried that tactic and she will never see it. My sisters and I joke that she's really Egyptian...you know, the Queen of Denial. ;) I also will not walk away. She is great to my kids and I will not alienate my whole family (which is really what would happen, right or wrong) because of this.

 

Still.....not fun....

then :grouphug: I understand how you can sometime be fine with something, but every now and then, it hurts. Queen of Denile...:D

[AlmiraGulch]

So here's an interesting little update....

 

My mother called me today, out of the blue. She never calls me. Well...rarely. She wanted to tell me how she had been thinking about some meaningless decision I made about something (drive v. fly) and how she just thinks what I've decided is the BEST idea! And how excited she is about our upcoming cruise (yes, we're going on a cruise. Just mom, kids and me. Don't ask...) and could I please tell her again exactly where we're going, what she should pack, etc. Odd.

 

So....maybe she re-read her posts from yesterday and realized that she really had been a jacka**, or maybe she already knew and felt guilty, or maybe she read the response I made this morning to her post about my working from home ("Thanks again, mom, for your never ending love and support") and THAT made her realize she hurt my feelings. :D

 

At any rate, I thought it was an interesting little development and thought I'd share.

[Mom0012]

I hope she realizes she hurt your feelings and is calling to try to mend things. If so, that means she really cares and has maybe just gotten into a bad habit of making these types of thoughtless comments to you. I'm so glad she called!

 

Lisa

[phathui5]

It's never too late to unfriend her on facebook.

[Pink Fairy]

So here's an interesting little update....

 

My mother called me today, out of the blue. She never calls me. Well...rarely. She wanted to tell me how she had been thinking about some meaningless decision I made about something (drive v. fly) and how she just thinks what I've decided is the BEST idea! And how excited she is about our upcoming cruise (yes, we're going on a cruise. Just mom, kids and me. Don't ask...) and could I please tell her again exactly where we're going, what she should pack, etc. Odd.

 

So....maybe she re-read her posts from yesterday and realized that she really had been a jacka**, or maybe she already knew and felt guilty, or maybe she read the response I made this morning to her post about my working from home ("Thanks again, mom, for your never ending love and support") and THAT made her realize she hurt my feelings. :D

 

At any rate, I thought it was an interesting little development and thought I'd share.

 

Sounds like there is still hope for your mom! You successfully handled her nastinesss by calling her on it in a nonconfrontational way. I think you set a boundary with your response and she's trying to make amends.

[Ibbygirl]

Ug! Family dynamics!! I feel your pain. Lots of :grouphug: to you!

[Reya]

Her: (hateful comment)

You: Wow, Mom. Why are you being so nasty?

Her: You always imagine things/I was not/etc.

You: Whatever you say, Mom.

 

The last one shuts down the conversation, while the first reply discourages the behavior--ESPECIALLY if you then shut down the conversation immediately afterwards and she can't get her emotional "fix" out of it.

 

It's sort of like squirting water in a cat's face....