Denisemomof4 Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 We were going to the store so he could pick out a new MP3 player for his birthday tomorrow. He's my quiet kid who isn't as open about feely type things but overly gregarious other times. He was saying how the past few years have been very, very hard and he hopes that nothing happens this coming year. I told him that I hoped for the same, too, but with both my parents gone, what could happen? (honestly, not the brightest thing to say - ANYTHING can happen at any age!) He then proceeded to say that things have never been the same since we adopted. He said that his life, and our family life, was so much happier before we ever brought our a-daughter home. He's right. I could have never guessed it would be so awful, we'd get such a screwed up kid at 14 months of age. I told him I was going to try to get help for her, and for us, and I'm hoping there's someone out there. Most places don't take insurance and with a kid going off to college next year we won't be able to drain our sources on something that may or may not help. My heart has been heavy tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to bless his socks off him for his birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how tough it was/is for you to hear him say those things. What seems difficult now will probably be a blessing later - for all of you. I hope you and your family are able to find peace with all the changes you're a-daughter has brought to your lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tutor Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 How wonderful that he felt so comfortable opening himself up to you like that! We'll be praying that your family will find the resources, peace, and joy you long for! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 :grouphug: :grouphug: Sometimes you just need a double hug. I'm glad he could share his feelings with you. Maybe you can give each other moral support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 :grouphug: I pray you find the help you need for your dd. And that your ds has a great birthday tomorrow! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 You have a PM coming. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 :grouphug: I'd value his honesty. I think you'll have a real friend in him when he's all grown up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jill- OK Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I think you'll have a real friend in him when he's all grown up. And I want to echo the other poster who said to really value the honesty; how wonderful that he feels comfortable sharing such a heartache with you. I know it's painful now...but I think there is a lot of good you're able to see because of it. Praying for you guys that things get easier...:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tricia Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Poor boy. Aren't they so sweet. I'm sorry. I hope he has a fabulous birthday.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I know you're upset about how he feels, but what a blessing it is that he trusts you enough to voice it! I'm sorry that things aren't the way you'd all hoped they'd be. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I feel the same way and hope I can raise my boys to tell me honestly how they feel without fear. Although his words hurt you, perhaps you all can grow and learn how to better handle your dd. Is there a non-profit you can turn to to help with funding for treatment? I wouldn't know where to start looking but it may be worth some time digging around to see if there is an organization that helps with attachment disorders (right?). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in Jax Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 (edited) She said that she wished we'd never adopted her sister. (We finally had to dissolve the adotion, after five years with us, when she became violent and had breaks with reality last year.) On the other hand, she ADORES her brother (who was adopted at the same time as his very disturbed sister). So, while it's hard to hear, it's normal to feel that way. Kudos to him for expressing his frustration/sadness/anger at living with a kid with RAD. They're VERY hard to love. I know it was hard to hear, but I agree with the others: it's great that he *can* tell you. If you'd like to let your son email/Facebook my dd (16), so that he can write a friend who "gets it," please let me know. Lisa mom of Kaley 16-bio and Daniel 10-India Edited August 5, 2009 by Lisa in Jax increased clarity Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 This reminds me of a segment I heard once on NPR's program "This American Life." I don't know if it would help or be interesting for you to listen to, but here it is: Act One. Love Is a Battlefield. Alix Spiegel tells the story of a couple, Heidi and Rick Solomon, who adopt a son who was raised in terrible circumstances in a Romanian orphanage, unable to feel attachments to anyone...and what they do about it. (27 minutes) http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1204 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I'm sorry. Just wanted to send you a :grouphug:. I hope your son has a wonderful birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BalanceSeeker Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I remember reading one of your posts a while back about how difficult it has been since you adopted. If it means anything, our third dd rocked our world. I don't recall all the details with your littlest one and the severity of it, but our youngest - who didn't stop crying day in and day out for over a year - is a lovely 5 year old today. There was a day that none of us (her parents, grandparents, siblings, Sunday school teachers, or my girlfriends) thought we'd see the day, but there is hope :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 She said that she wished we'd never adopted her sister. (We finally had to dissolve the adotion, after five years with us, when she became violent and had breaks with reality last year.) On the other hand, she ADORES her brother (who was adopted at the same time as his very disturbed sister). So, while it's hard to hear, it's normal to feel that way. Kudo to him for expressing his frustration/sadness/anger at living with a kid with RAD. They're VERY hard to love. I know it was hard to hear, but I agree with the others: it's great that he *can* tell you. If you'd like to let your son email/Facebook my dd (16), so that he can write a friend who "gets it," please let me know. Lisa mom of Kaley 16-bio and Daniel 10-India Thanks so much, Lisa, for the Facebook offer. I will mention it to both my boys. May I ask you to please PM me about your adoption disruption? I hope it never comes to that but it's not good with her here and I've been doing some online searching. I want everyone to know that I absolutely am grateful for my son's honesty. We've always been open and honest, my kids and dh and I, but my a-daughter has never been a part of that. She constastantly tries to destroy any step forward we make. My other kids KNOW they can speak to me honestly and I cherish those talks. We spent the day floating on the lake on kayaks today. My son whose birthday was celebrated just wanted to float and talk. It was wonderful. We were all of one accord, and then there was her. She won't even try. I can't help her on my own anymore, but I am not willing to spend money out of pocket (we used to pay $120 per week) for her because ultimately unless SHE CHOOSES to change and accept us, nothing will help. The outside world views her as the most angelic child on the face of the earth. I know how bad she is. She's been with us for 5 years now and has never ONCE showed anger in front of me and has only cried a hanful of times, most of those not genuine tears. It's these types I hear that are the hardest to reach. Yet she'll destroy the house, hurt the animals and try to do wors ewith them, sabotage my relationship with her, seek out affections from strangers, etc. I'm SO tired of it all. And my bio daughter will be heartbroken if we dissolve, yet unless God, a miracle or professional help turns things around, there's no other way. She's angelic on the outside, dangerous within. I fear one day of what she will become. Siiiiiiiiiiiigh. My son is ending his night with a movie I simply can't watch. Dh and other sh are happy. ;) He had a very good birthday, and even my a-daughter joined in on the end. The very end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in Jax Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Denise, email me at lkporter91 at comcast dot net. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3boyssmom Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Sorry to hear about that. Hope things get better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 I, too, think it's great that your son feels comfortable enough to open up to you. I also think it is important to realizet that birth children can also disrupt a family. In a mighty way. Birth children can have incredible emotional/pshycological issues, bi-polar, etc. And the physical. With adoption, you can pick whether or not they have phyuscial disabilities (as much as can be told at 6-12 mos, anyway!) but birth chidlren can have incredible physical issues. All that is not said to negate your feelings. I have an adopted daughter who has relatively mild RAD, and ther eare days I question my decision. The sad thing for her is, it's all subconscious right now. Which I find totally bizarre and beyond my comprehension. But there's definitely a dislike/trust for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 This reminds me of a segment I heard once on NPR's program "This American Life." I don't know if it would help or be interesting for you to listen to, but here it is: Act One. Love Is a Battlefield. Alix Spiegel tells the story of a couple, Heidi and Rick Solomon, who adopt a son who was raised in terrible circumstances in a Romanian orphanage, unable to feel attachments to anyone...and what they do about it. Thank you for posting this. I had heard part of it and it was good to listen to it again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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