iquilt Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 of the lack of support for homeschooling? Our church is enormous and we were fine and dandy until we started homeschooling almost three years ago. Now we are the odd family. I admit to letting the comments get the better of me today and leaving church early with the kids because I almost lost my temper with someone I thought was my friend. How do I go about finding another church? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2_girls_mommy Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 No, but I almost did. But then I remembered that is not what I am there for. Our church is not a denomination that has a lot of hsers in general. I have only met people online that are from our denom that hs. We go to a small church, and the people are all close and talk. We have only been members for 3 years, and are still kind of newbies. But I am drawn to this church and feel God led us there. I decided to stick with it. I am glad I did. After a day earlier this year like you have described I almost left. I finally decided I would have to put on a brave face, and blaze the trail. No, I cannot get hs fellowship there. I get that other places. I look at it kind of like I did long term breastfeeding way back when. I feel like I am making the path a little easier for the next brave soul who comes after me. People thought it was weird to see me breastfeed in public an older baby. Hopefully we are normal enough that they will now judge a little less :) Things have gone smoothly since. I just don't discuss it with people there anymore who I know do not approve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2_girls_mommy Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Oh, and nobody has ever said anything to my kids or in front of my kids... that would be different. My problems came up in our adult only Bible study. I quit a women's one completely as most of the women work outside the home, and are opposed to SAHMs in general. I only attend mixed Bible studies w/dh now and our adult Sun. school class... where issues have come up. But we have made friendships and have enough mutual respect in there for differences of opinion to be ok. Although like I said, there was one bad day... If I felt someone was making my dds feel bad, that would be a whole different story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I wouldn't change churches over lack of support for homeschooling. However, if I faced hostility over homeschooling, I would have a talk with the pastor about supporting people in their different paths to God, over obstacles others might be placing in that path and about how the church no longer felt like a welcoming place. If the pastor does not seek to address these difficulties, then I might start looking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I doubt we'd leave a church because of lack of homeschool support, but if there was open hostility towards homeschoolers being preached from the pulpit, that would be hard to take. Or if my kids were ostracized because of it, in which case I'd probably conclude that some of that came from the parents. Our current church is a mix of public, private, and homeschoolers, but my kids are the odd ones, even among the homeschoolers. We seem to have very different standards than other families when it comes to modesty, opposite-gender interaction, activites we're comfortable with. But I don't feel we've been "persecuted" for this, nor do our kids. They're just different, but no one gives them a hard time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I'm pretty much agreeing with the others. I wouldn't leave over one or two, or ten people. All churches have their problems, and it really stinks to be on the brunt end of it, but I think if God places your there (at the brunt end of a church problem....) that God has a plan to use you there. Pray for the people who cause you trouble, and find fellowship with those who drew you into that church in the first place. Sometimes, I think Christians feel a tugging at their hearts to bring their kids home....and feel guilty....and project those feelings out on you with snide comments and gossip. That goes for lots of things, not just HSing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristenS Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I wouldn't, but it does get frustrating being the odd one out. Back in the breastfeeding days, I was the only one doing it, and struggling mightily. There was little support at church, and less at the mom's day out where I was part-time teaching (at the same church). NOW there are tons of moms breastfeeding, including some of the teachers, and they are getting it a lot easier. It makes me want to scream. :) I figure, about the time my kids are in high school, there'll be a ton of young homeschooling families join up. Sigh. I am lucky in one respect, though. There are a LOT of teachers in our congregation, some from the preschool and some from local public schools, and since I've got my ed. degree and did a stint at the preschool, they do look at me as a 'real' teacher. A crazy one, perhaps, but still a real one. So that does help. If I felt it was the whole 'church' against me, we might consider leaving (but I'm pretty hard to uproot). But if it was just a few people out of a large group ... probably not. But then, you said it was someone you thought a friend, so that does hurt more. I dunno. I guess all I can really offer is ((hugs)) rather than advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skaterbabs Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 We might, sort of, change in part due to this. Our church recently got a new pastor and one of the first things he did was eliminate all of the current children's programs on Sunda & Wednesday nights, to be replaced in the fall with a new "combined" program that occurs ONLY on Wednesday. For us, church is one of our times for the kids to really socialize AND learn how to get along in a group, so this is not a good change for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtroad Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Yes! When our son was nearly 3, we were attending a local church that had been very comfortable. When we began to be ask about preschools and Moms day-out etc... I would express our plans to homeschool. SHOCK. You could hear a pin drop. But... every person in that church (about 85% in reality) worked for the local public school system. WE left soon! Now we are in a church with about 15 homeschool kids, 8 church schooled kids and 3 public school kids.... the biggest problem is the church ignores all but the church-schooled kids b/c the church runs the school. So, we are more accepted and in better situation.... but they do NOTHING with or for the homeschool families. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iquilt Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 I don't expect the whole church to support me or anything, but the criticism came from the family who invited us to this church nearly 3 years ago. It was a very bad joke in front of the entire Sunday School class and I left hurt. Fortunately I was able to speak my mind in return before picking up my kids so they were not privy to any of the comments. They also have never expressed discomfort from any of their church friends; that would be too much for me to accept if they were being treated badly simply because of school choice. Many of our church families use private schools and have extra jobs to support those tuition payments; that is something that I do not understand but I don't make jokes about it or tease them for doing what they think is right for their families. It's bizarre to me how it's OK to tease me about homeschooling but I never hear any jokes about other school choices. So I spoke up and then left early. We didn't even make it to the church service. I felt bad for my kids that I made them leave early. Was I supposed to tough it out? I don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 NOW there are tons of moms breastfeeding, including some of the teachers, and they are getting it a lot easier. It makes me want to scream. :) I figure, about the time my kids are in high school, there'll be a ton of young homeschooling families join up. Sigh. It would seem to me that this isn't just a matter of different people different treatment, but one where you set some sort of quiet example that was observed and learned from. I can see why you might wish that you'd had some of the same understanding, but I might suggest a gentle satisfaction that you might have smoothed the way for some other moms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supertechmom Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I haven't changed churches but instead pulled my children out of the children and teen departments. We now go to a different church on Wednesday night that has a great teen/children program and go to our regular church on Sunday services. Without hijacking the thread, I discovered on the middle school level, that homeschooling was not supported and that healthy family relationships were not either. Much emphasis was placed on becoming good buddies with the church kids and making the SS teachers your best bud to come to with your problems instead of your parents.(there were many SS mentors who hung around to get to know your kid so the best match up could be made) Contrast to the church that had the entire pastoral staff as homeschoolers. Their opinion was you first should approach your parents humbly and with prayer and if you are unsure how to do that, we will explain it to you and help you come up with the words to explain to your parents. But your parents are there by God over you and first chain of command. We can help with that, we can assist you, but dealing with your parents is first and foremost. We just found the all public school church group expected us to lose our teens to the teenage years and the homeschool church group to use those years to strengthen our relationship and their relationship with God. We still attend the public school church because we feel that is where we should be but I couldn't let my kids get lost in that attitude. We've taken a lot of flack. Most won't speak to me at all and we've given up on SS for all of us right now. But we haven't been lead to leave and haven't been lead to let our kids join in the kid stuff so I don't know what we are doing there but that is where we are to be for now.:001_huh: And yea, I would have left in your situation and gone home. That sounds like just too much to have dealt with and still sat thru church nicely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtroad Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Servin... .you are seeing the church act like the world! The church is one of the most segregated areas of society... but I don't mean by color.... I mean by AGE, SEX, and MARITAL STATUS. They divide families and even divide kids into "groups" with cute titles like KeenAgers (our senior citizens). The body is divided and then works (whether they think about it or not) to divide the family. It is shameful! Doug Phillips, VisionForum, has some books on this issue & there is a movement to get churches to bringing generations together... bringing families together... and NOT looking like the world. Sounds like a homeschool concept!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom In Missouri Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 To answer your question directly. Yes. And we have left a church as recently as almost a year ago because of the direct conflict towards home schooling families. Let it be known, I don't actively seek out a 'home school saturated' environment for anything. Our daughters need to know how to use the knowledge God affords them so He can impart His wisdom with people much different than they are...BUT...that must be supervised and guided by us as the parents. The church we left was constantly promoting the benefits of corporate learning, from the pulpit, and that those who want to blaze a new trail in things would only be blazing a trail never traveled. It was sad. We left and now are in a church where there are many families that home school, senior pastor is a home school graduate, and while we don't go to the home school sunday school classes...most members and attendees aren't actively degrading an alternative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristenS Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 It would seem to me that this isn't just a matter of different people different treatment, but one where you set some sort of quiet example that was observed and learned from. I can see why you might wish that you'd had some of the same understanding, but I might suggest a gentle satisfaction that you might have smoothed the way for some other moms. Yes, that would be a much better attitude for me to have. I try. Really. :) But overall, I get to be the oddball, and it does grow wearisome. That's what support forums are for, though! ((Hugs)) to all of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Alright, I'm going to go against the flow a little here. Church is where my children have almost all of their friends. There are very few children who are homeschooled. We have considered moving to a church with more hsing families simply so they can have a community of believers who are following a similar path to them. And I can too! It's hard to be the ONLY one doing something in a group and it's hard to be as effective as I feel I could be when I am always the one on the outside. Of course, if the other church were not as sound scripturally or if I didn't feel the connection there that I feel at our current church I would have to reconsider. I do want to do what's best for the family as a whole and I do believe that having my children in a situation where they are able to feel comfortable and have a strong sense of belonging will be better for the family in the long run. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FourOaks Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Absolutely! This is a huge issue for me right now actually. We moved over a year ago. At that time, I was already realizing that we were not going to be able to stay at our church because it was so very obvious that the youth pastor was against home schooling, they were consistently bringing the culture into the church, parents were not encouraged to participate with the youth, families were completely segregated in everything, and the list goes on. Started going to a "home church" which lasted for about 10 months but was becoming very clear would not work for our family. So, we are now seeking a church in our new town. I have found one that I like so far. . .bible believing and teaching, great sermons. However, I have been stressed this last week because I really want to meet and talk with the pastors and elders to get a feel for some of their beliefs, the major one being their view of home schoolers. I feel strongly that home schooling is a right, a privilege, and discipling our children (which home schooling is) is required by God. I am very much of the Voddie Baucham camp and believe that Christians, Christian churches and pastors should be coming alongside home school families, supporting them and offering assistance as much as possible (if not encouraging others to home school as well). My fear is that I am going to find out that the church we've been attending for the past month and a half has leadership who does not support home schooling. I will be crushed, but will then need to move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Yes, we left a church because the interim pastor (who had just started on his on his miminum one year term and maybe two year term) preached about how homeschoolers are akin to terrorists. I left in the middle of the sermon. WE resigned that week. That was at least 11 years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 If I understand this correctly, this really is an issue between you and your friend, right? I would wait to see if you can mend your relationship with that friend. Perhaps they will have listened to your rebuttal or will have picked up on your upset and will call you to talk it over and apologize. Perhaps (since I wasn't there and have absolutely no idea!) you might realize with time that you over-reacted. Even if everyone laughed at the joke, I wouldn't automatically assume that they all have the same attitude as your friend apparently had. Part of being in a fellowship is realizing that we all have sin natures and that we need to forgive one another. Perhaps a new church would be a good idea at some point - my bias is to look for one that gives you good teaching - but from the little bit that I understand from your posts (and hopefully I read them correctly) this is not a church problem but a friend problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iquilt Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 It is a "friend" problem, friend in quotes because she has always been hyper critical of everything and I guess I just couldn't listen to it anymore. It was particularly hurtful because it was in front of a group and I had to leave in order to not cry in front of them. She has apologized for her (and her husband's) criticism and we will continue on where we were. We just won't be anymore than what we are now, long time sort of friends. I have found so many wonderful homeschooling friends that I'm not concerned about being isolated, but I was hurt and I have forgiven. I see her every.single.day over the summer at swimming lessons so we will be play nicely. But once school starts up again we hardly see each other anyway. The church is huge, and I am hurt that I haven't found another homeschool family in the entire congregation. My kids and husband love this church so overall we will continue to be the odd family and I will learn to better speak for myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Oh, I wish you would have called me to talk. (((HUGS))) It's not ok for anyone to make fun of your personal choice. Knowing the situation I think you saying something to her personally would be best. I think your statement that you don't make fun of her choices in life is enough to get her thinking about her jokes toward you in the future. But you never know... I found that church to have a lot for the kiddos but I agree with another poster that come middle school you may need to not have the kids be as involved if you are still the lone family in the hs world. My concern about you leaving is that you would find the same hurt elsewhere. So you find a homeschool friendly church. At first it's great to have something in common with so many families. But then...you find out they all use the same box curriculum. It's so far from your hs choices. And suddenly you are the loner again...surrounded by other hs's that don't agree with your choice. And new friends/strangers can say more hurtful things than close friends. I think being honest with 'friend' and make it clear jokes about you or your family or your school choice is off limits. She needs to hear it. Our last phone conversation(last week...she called me) had no school talk and I was thankful. So she's capable. ;-) But I wouldn't stay in a church I felt doubts about either. You know that, lol! It would not hurt to visit other churches. but choose one you feel close to God, drawn to, clearly speaks to your heart. I have learned that dh and I being fed is more important than the kid programs. Afterall...I asked about a choir and now I am helping start one! They want a weekly program for the kids and a new lady has said she is willing to get it going. So focus on finding a place you and your dh know God has brought you to. The kid stuff will come regardless. And you may find visiting other places only makes you realize you are where you belong. Or you may find a better place for your family. It's worth looking to know for sure. ((HUGS)) Call me today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Alright, I'm going to go against the flow a little here. Church is where my children have almost all of their friends. There are very few children who are homeschooled. We have considered moving to a church with more hsing families simply so they can have a community of believers who are following a similar path to them. And I can too! It's hard to be the ONLY one doing something in a group and it's hard to be as effective as I feel I could be when I am always the one on the outside. Of course, if the other church were not as sound scripturally or if I didn't feel the connection there that I feel at our current church I would have to reconsider. I do want to do what's best for the family as a whole and I do believe that having my children in a situation where they are able to feel comfortable and have a strong sense of belonging will be better for the family in the long run. We haven't changed churches over homeschooling, but it would be a discussion point if we ever moved. We have almost a completely different situationan at our church. Well over half of the families homeschool so it is accepted-easily over 30 kids are homeschooled. However, with the exception of one other family, no one wants to do anything together outside of church with us. I would love to build a relationship with them outside of church but we don't use the right curriculum, don't want to go to the same places, etc. I have made all of my homeschooling friends somewhere else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinRTX Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I so know this feeling. Our church is almost 100% homeschooled and even has homeschool classes. But I get comments on how my kids are not available during the day for ministry. Actually, they are -- but not every day and not at the drop of a hat so the young mothers can have free babysitting to enjoy lunch together. And the church has a youth group which my children do not attend because it is so peer dependant. We take education seriously and there are several 11-12 year olds who barely read, not because of learning difficulties, but because moms are too busy doing everything else. And don't get me started on daughters who have graduated and are just sitting around waiting for the right guy to find them -- no work, no school, nothing. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I actually prayed for a homeschooling family to place membership. God truly blessed us when someone did, because it was a family we had known from a co-op. Now another homeschool family has placed membership. :) I have never experienced outright hostility about our choice to homeschool, but it was still hard being the only ones. Occasionally someone will question us about it, but it hasn't been too bad. My favorite moment was when someone asked if we were going to homeschool for high school. I said I wasn't sure, but I want to. They then said, "What about math?" in a kind of accusatory way. I then told them that I have a degree in math and so does DH. Their response was, "oh". :D That was a great moment. If people are being hostile, you may need to leave, but I would definitely talk to a church leader about it first. (and pray, of course, to find what God wants you to do) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I wouldn't change churches over lack of support for homeschooling. However, if I faced hostility over homeschooling, I would have a talk with the pastor about supporting people in their different paths to God, over obstacles others might be placing in that path and about how the church no longer felt like a welcoming place. If the pastor does not seek to address these difficulties, then I might start looking. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in SEVA Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 (edited) :grouphug: Well, my advice is to move 30 minutes west where everyone homeschools. :) One neighbor told me at lunch the other day she wanted to find out more about homeschooling because she felt like the "odd" one in the neighborhood who actually sent her kids to school (there are at least six homeschooling families in my neighborhood). Did you know there are SEVERAL houses for sale in my neighborhood? *wink,wink* Edited July 14, 2009 by Colleen in SEVA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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