*LC Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Hi, I need some opinions on what to do in a bad situation. My uncle was diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago. Since then he has been sick with ulcers and other things. He was in the hospital for a couple of weeks last month, and my mother went to help. He then fell and went back to the hospital. Then, he went home, but he was not eating well. My parents went to visit him last week. The doctor decided that he had an infection, and they put him on antibiotics. My parents left Tuesday for a trip to Europe. My uncle went back to the hospital Tuesday afternoon. My mom was told this Tuesday night as she was getting on the plane. However, at that point they didn't know what was going on. My mom got on the plane crying and e-mailed my aunt contact information for them in Europe. (All this is from my aunt.) Tonight, my aunt called to say that my uncle's kidneys have shut down and the doctors are not giving them a lot of hope. The doctors are trying to fix the situation. My aunt says the cancer has blocked one of the kidneys, and a CT scan was taken to see if that is wrong with the other one. My aunt says she is praying that nothing happens for two weeks. The question is do we call my mom to get her to come home? On Saturday, she will get on a boat, and we don't know if it will be possible for her to get off the boat. They are to be on the boat for about two weeks. They are expected back in the United States on Monday, June 22. My mom and uncle have no other siblings. They are close. Their parents have been dead for 20 and 60 years respectively. My mom's aunt died a number of years ago while my mom was out of the country. We didn't let her know, because she couldn't have made it home. My sister and I attended the funeral for our family. I think my mom understood, but she wasn't happy with us. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristenS Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I would let her know ... and then let it be her choice. My dad was out of the country when one of his brothers passed away, and it was pretty awful for him. I don't recall if they made it back in time for the funeral or not (it was an unexpected passing) but I do know he would've preferred to be on hand. If it's a pretty sure thing he's not going to make it, the choice needs to be your mom's. At least that way you don't end up getting in trouble for it again. ((Hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I'd let her know immediately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I'd let her know immediately. :iagree: I would want to know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
at the beach Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I would call her immediately and let her know. This is her brother and she may want to be there if she can. I think it's her decision to make. She left contact information. I would respect her wishes. I can't imagine losing my brother and not being there if I could be. I think your mom might be really devastated if she is not told and given the chance to come back. Anita Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenneinCA Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Please tell her. It sounds like she would want to know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wildflower Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 she needs to know. you only get one last good-bye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I think you should contact her and let her make the decision. I'm quite surprised you would withhold the information. I've had that happen twice in my life and I'm still furious. Had I been told earlier about my father, I could have actually been with him when he passed away. I could have talked with him, knowing it was the last time I would ever be able to do so. Dummies. Not the word I actually use, but I can't cuss on this board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wildflower Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I think you should contact her and let her make the decision. I'm quite surprised you would withhold the information. I've had that happen twice in my life and I'm still furious. Had I been told earlier about my father, I could have actually been with him when he passed away. I could have talked with him, knowing it was the last time I would ever be able to do so. Dummies. Not the word I actually use, but I can't cuss on this board. I'm really sorry that happened to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1bassoon Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Wow. Absolutely let her know - it is her decision to come home or not - you can't make that decision for her. This subject is a close one - mainly b/c there is a member of my family who tends to make decisions based on what they think another person should do, rather than let that person decide for themselves. As in, "Well, I won't call them, because they shouldn't have to make this decision right now." This is too important for you, in effect, to decide for her. :grouphug: at this difficult time Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I think you should contact her and let her make the decision. I'm quite surprised you would withhold the information. I've had that happen twice in my life and I'm still furious. Had I been told earlier about my father, I could have actually been with him when he passed away. I could have talked with him, knowing it was the last time I would ever be able to do so. Dummies. Not the word I actually use, but I can't cuss on this board. I am very sorry you had to experience that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I would tell her. She was upset the time before and would be very upset now. Arlines and such can offer discounts for situations like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eaglei Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Definitely let her know. It is her decision to make - :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehogs4 Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 tell her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 tell her asap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 please tell her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Sorry to hijack the thread, but thank you Wildflower and Donna for your sympathies. It's been 20 years and it still hurts so very much when I think about it. To the OP, I say again, please tell her and let her make her own decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I am with the tell her and let her decide crowd. It does not end well when secrets are kept in my family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*LC Posted June 5, 2009 Author Share Posted June 5, 2009 Thanks. I tend to be able to argue both sides of an issue, so I wanted some more opinions. My aunt doesn't want my mom to skip the trip. Our plan was for my aunt to call me in the morning with the latest. I was trying to decide if I shoudl do anything before hearing from my aunt. I personally feel that my mom should be told ASAP, so she can make a decision. However, I could make the argument that she knew he was sick -- back in the hospital -- and left anyway. In addition, my parents made sure to go see him last week before they left. Since everyone's feelings were unanimous, I decided to try and update my mom tonight before hearing the latest from my aunt. I don't have a way to directly contact my parents. The contacts I have -- and my aunt has now -- are for some people that will be travelling with them on the boat. I have phone numbers for three people and e-mail for two people. Since it was the middle of the night in Europe, I sent e-mails to both people asking them to give my mom the message as soon as they can. Hopefully, they will see or talk to her before Saturday. I also told them I would get the updated information to them as soon as I get it from my aunt. If I don't hear back from the e-mails, I will call one of the numbers with the update as soon as I get it. Thanks again for helping me make the decision to go ahead and try to tell my mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*LC Posted June 5, 2009 Author Share Posted June 5, 2009 Beth, I am sorry that you were not able to say goodbye to your family members. I do know how important that is. However, I also know how hard it is to make those calls to let others know that a loved one is going to die. When my husband was dying, I know making those phone calls to our loved ones to bring the kids to the hospital was one the hardest parts of the whole thing. While I knew what was going to happen, I think I still had some denial and I didn't want to say it outloud. I still feel bad that friends of my husband flew in to say their goodbye after geting the call from me, but my husband went into a coma before they arrived. However, I called as soon I/we were ready. We needed some time for us to accept what was about to happen and to say our goodbyes. I can't remember exactly how long I waited to make the calls from when we knew he wasn't going to get better, but it was less than 24 hours. My sister and her husband didn't make it, because they didn't expect it to happen so quickly. While my husband had a chance to say our goodbyes, I still didn't know it would be the last time we would speak when he went to sleep that night. He died three days later. I guess my point is there is never a guarantee of a last goodbye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Beth, I am sorry that you were not able to say goodbye to your family members. I do know how important that is. However, I also know how hard it is to make those calls to let others know that a loved one is going to die. When my husband was dying, I know making those phone calls to our loved ones to bring the kids to the hospital was one the hardest parts of the whole thing. While I knew what was going to happen, I think I still had some denial and I didn't want to say it outloud. I still feel bad that friends of my husband flew in to say their goodbye after geting the call from me, but my husband went into a coma before they arrived. However, I called as soon I/we were ready. We needed some time for us to accept what was about to happen and to say our goodbyes. I can't remember exactly how long I waited to make the calls from when we knew he wasn't going to get better, but it was less than 24 hours. My sister and her husband didn't make it, because they didn't expect it to happen so quickly. While my husband had a chance to say our goodbyes, I still didn't know it would be the last time we would speak when he went to sleep that night. He died three days later. I guess my point is there is never a guarantee of a last goodbye. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I am so so sorry about your husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chanda7 Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 My parents are the worst about doing this to me, and it makes me furious. Please tell her ASAP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 My mom's aunt died a number of years ago while my mom was out of the country. We didn't let her know, because she couldn't have made it home. My sister and I attended the funeral for our family. I think my mom understood, but she wasn't happy with us. Thanks. I would let her know. Your past experience says that she wasn't happy with you about not letting her know. It sounds like she is even closer to her brother than she was to the aunt who died. I think it should be your mom's choice of whether to come home or not. If she has not had the chance to say goodbye (and even if he had cancer the fact is that most people don't do this until they realize it's almost too late).....she will be even more devastated. Yes there is a part that says she can't really do anything if she came home....and she deserves a fun cruise. But the fact is that she'll never have good memories of this trip if she comes home and finds out he died while she was having fun. It's not a good situation and there is no answer that will make it good. My heart goes out to your family. But if it were me, I'd want to be home and I'd be very angry if no one let me know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
my3starsofthesea Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 My advice is to tell her. I think the consequences of not telling her would be much greater than those of telling her. When my mom was sick with cancer, her cousin that she had been very close to lived far away, and had alot of problems of her own, so her family chose not to tell her that my mom was sick and dying. When she died, they had no choice, she was distraught and horrified, because to her it was sudden and a shock, and her family took away her chance to be with my mom and spend time with her before she passed away. My mom's cousin was never the same. It was a terrible thing for her family to do to her. (btw, my mom and dad wanted to tel her, but her parents and my grandparents discourgaed them greatly from doing so, so they just went along with her parents' wishes). I'm sorry about your uncle, and for your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I guess my point is there is never a guarantee of a last goodbye. I'm very sorry for your loss. I have never been put in that situation so I can't speak from experience. In my situation, I was the only one who wasn't told the truth about the seriousness of my dad's condition. My mom (the ex-wife of 18 years) decided I couldn't handle it. She obviously wasn't thinking clearly. I just can't say anymore. It's still really painful. I wish your family well through this difficult time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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