Would you let your 13yo ds shower at the gym?

[Brilliant]

My 13yo ds works out at a gym. My dh and I believe it's a safe enough place that it has been a drop-off activity for him for about a year.

 

At times it would be easier if he could shower & change at the gym instead of at home, but I have been hesitant to let him do that. He's fine when he's in the gym, but gosh, naked in the locker room is a different story.

 

Am I paranoid or reasonable?

[Carol in Cal.]

Unless he goes with a friend. Unfortunately, kids that age who are clearly alone attract unwelcome attention because of that. Doesn't matter whether they are boys or girls, IMO.

[Karen sn]

Only if he wore flip flops.

It's not a group shower is it?

Usually they have personal showers with private dressing stalls.

[Mrs Mungo]

You mention it's a drop-off activity. Are there other boys there? Are there parents there who hang out and sort of monitor the situation (even if they are just waiting outside the locker room)? Are the other boys showering? If it was a group of boys who could kind of watch out for each other then I wouldn't mind, especially if there were a couple of parents present. A boy alone? No, I wouldn't do it.

[Dirtroad]

No way!

[Brilliant]

There are lots of other young people there, but he doesn't really hang out with any particular friend. There are lots of adults, too. (adults not attached to the young people).

 

There are separate stalls, but still...

 

So we will continue to have him shower at home.

[Julie in CA]

So we will continue to have him shower at home.

That's what I'd do too. :001_smile:

[phathui5]

With separate stalls, I'd let him do it.

[Joanne]

I would allow it without hesitation.

[Slartibartfast]

I would probably ask him to just shower at home. Sure it might be overreacting but we are moms and we are allowed. :lol:

[Tangerine]

from:

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/opinion/opedcolumnists/childhood_stalled_YlKL7vH8i671DzhSShcLaI

 

Amy Baxter is a pediatrician who did her fellowship in child sexual abuse. She estimates she has seen about 500 victims, which is very sad. But how many of them were violated in a public restroom? “None,†she says. Dr. Baxter queried two close colleagues and found that one of them had indeed seen an instance of this crime. Terrible. Another — a leader in the field — had not. Ever.

 

I think the fear far exceeds the actual danger.

[Jazzy]

So we will continue to have him shower at home.

 

My motto is better safe than sorry.

[IsabelC]

The overwhelming majority of sexual abuse of children is carried out by a family member or close family friend, with step fathers being the most statistically likely offenders. It is extremely unlikely that a boy's safety would be compromised in a semi-public place such as a gym (I am assuming that your son is not going to leave the gym with somebody other than you). For this reason I believe it is much more effective to spend time teaching children about what to do in the event of someone acting inappropriately than it is to keep them away from strange adults.

Edited September 17, 2009 by Hotdrink

[Laura Corin]

The overwhelming majority of sexual abuse of children is carried out by a family member or close family friend, with step fathers being the most statistically likely offenders. It is extremely unlikely that a boy's safety would be compromised in a semi-public place such as a gym (I am assuming that your son is not going to leave the gym with somebody other than you). For this reason I believe it is much more effective to spend time teaching children about what to do in the event of someone acting inappropriately than it is to keep them away from strange adults.

 

I agree.

 

Laura

[Danestress]

of the Mom kissing and clinging to the reluctant kid. It pretty much says it all - "Moms are unreasonable, clingy and weak and are holding their children back from life."

 

We've had 2 children sexually violated in restrooms that I actually know of in this town in the last six months. When I lived in San Diego, and 8 year old boy was murdered in a public restroom while his aunt stood outside the door waiting. I also am concerned about "victimless" s@x crimes. I wonder if this expert got statistics on how often children witness someone performing s@x acts alone or with another in a public place. I don't really want to subject my children to that, either, or to exposure generally.

 

I still think the world is safer than many parents believe and that using restrooms is generally safe and that Moms can let their school aged boys do that without too much anxiety. I would probaby let a 13 year old boy shower in this situation unless there were other factors that were alarming. But I would prep a child that age for some of the things that can happen. I (or DH, probably) would talk to him about things that make one uncomfortable, about how predators "groom" their victims sometimes, about how the small things you let go can lead later to bigger things. So we would practice being assertive about not being touched even in casual ways, not allowing someone to be naked in front of him, not indulging questions from strangers period.

 

Incidentally I was a "victim" of "victimless" s@x crimes several times in my life. I bet most of us have. It wasn't the end of the world. I think if we train our children and mentor them, we prepare them better for the world. I would prefer that never happen to any of our kids, but I assume it will happen to all of them and prepare them for that. That said, my almost 12 year olds never shower in public restrooms when they swim (daily) or play tennis . I just don't see any reason they can't come home. I feel better than way and don't have to worry about nasty dirty gym showers. If they really really wanted to at 13, I might let them though. It really would depend on how much the kid pushed for it. I want to let them feel independent, but as long as they aren't asking, I'm not offering:)

Edited September 18, 2009 by Danestress

[Peela]

The overwhelming majority of sexual abuse of children is carried out by a family member or close family friend, with step fathers being the most statistically likely offenders. It is extremely unlikely that a boy's safety would be compromised in a semi-public place such as a gym (I am assuming that your son is not going to leave the gym with somebody other than you). For this reason I believe it is much more effective to spend time teaching children about what to do in the event of someone acting inappropriately than it is to keep them away from strange adults.

 

:iagree:

I would give my son (who is 13) a chat about what to do if he felt any wierd vibes from anyone, the same as I give my daughter when she travels alone now on public transport.

I would allow it for sure.

[lgm]

Sounds reasonable, especially if he's not physically big and doesn't have a buddy and must use a men's locker room.

 

Perhaps a solution would be to allow him to shower, and arrive early enough that you could lightly supervise. I know I have affected a few men's choices by standing outside, opening the boys locker room door and doing a voice check...but it was a situation where a mens only (i.e no males under 18) locker room was available and they didn't need to be in the group shower in the boys l.r. when a swim class was changing.

[BMW]

I gotta laugh about standing outside the door and calling in! I do that, too. In the gym we occasionally go to, the boys are not allowed into the men's locker room until they are 16, unless they have a parent. So, they use the boys locker room. But then you have a bunch of boys with no adult supervision! I have several boys, so I send one in and out and he reports to me what is going on. But, sometimes I stand there and push the door in and call out asking how they are doing... I have got some very upset glares from other gym users by doing this. BUT, those are my boys, so, too bad. Most locker rooms are designed that when you open the door, you cannot see inside... the children's have two doors at angles so I cannot call inside and disturb anyone's privacy, but my boys do hear me check on them... and so do the other young boys who can be trouble makers!

[Heather in Neverland]

No cotton pickin' way. But I am overprotective and proud of it. :D

[Danestress]

Yes, of course men will be naked in a men's locker room. And really, I don't know exactly how to train a boy to be aware of 'vibes' but if man were trying to talk to him when naked, seeming really intentional about it, paying any attention to my son at all when naked, I would want my son to feel uncomfortable about that. I talk to my sons (as does DH) about how all normal adults understand that people are hyper-sensitive about the safety and protection of kids and teens, and that if an adult is doing something that seems creepy, it IS creep because that adult is not being careful in the normal way that most adults understand they need to be in this day and age.

 

Before I let my son be in that situation, I would have to trust that he has the courage to ignore a man trying to talk to him, to excuse himself when something makes him feel creeped out, to tell someone to please leave him alone. If he couldn't do that or didn't understand why he should, then I wouldn't want him in that position. I don't care if he hurts someone's feelings. Any naked man trying to talk to a 13 year old in a locker room is just plain being weird.

 

And yes, I think almost all touching of 13 year old boys in a men's locker room is potentially a problem. I would want my son to tell a man patting his shoulder or taking his hand to leave him alone.

[helena]

of the Mom kissing and clinging to the reluctant kid. It pretty much says it all - "Moms are unreasonable, clingy and weak and are holding their children back from life."

 

We've had 2 children sexually violated in restrooms that I actually know of in this town in the last six months. When I lived in San Diego, and 8 year old boy was murdered in a public restroom while his aunt stood outside the door waiting. I also am concerned about "victimless" s@x crimes. I wonder if this expert got statistics on how often children witness someone performing s@x acts alone or with another in a public place. I don't really want to subject my children to that, either, or to exposure generally.

 

I still think the world is safer than many parents believe and that using restrooms is generally safe and that Moms can let their school aged boys do that without too much anxiety. I would probaby let a 13 year old boy shower in this situation unless there were other factors that were alarming. But I would prep a child that age for some of the things that can happen. I (or DH, probably) would talk to him about things that make one uncomfortable, about how predators "groom" their victims sometimes, about how the small things you let go can lead later to bigger things. So we would practice being assertive about not being touched even in casual ways, not allowing someone to be naked in front of him, not indulging questions from strangers period.

 

Incidentally I was a "victim" of "victimless" s@x crimes several times in my life. I bet most of us have. It wasn't the end of the world. I think if we train our children and mentor them, we prepare them better for the world. I would prefer that never happen to any of our kids, but I assume it will happen to all of them and prepare them for that. That said, my almost 12 year olds never shower in public restrooms when they swim (daily) or play tennis . I just don't see any reason they can't come home. I feel better than way and don't have to worry about nasty dirty gym showers. If they really really wanted to at 13, I might let them though. It really would depend on how much the kid pushed for it. I want to let them feel independent, but as long as they aren't asking, I'm not offering:)

 

 

My husband and I still talk about how crazy that was (in San Diego). I always go in to the restroom with my girls because of it. I agree with what you've written here. But it's sad because I have such wonderful memories of going to the gym with my mom from the time I was 16. After working out we would go into the women side to sweat. Most of the women were naked (sitting on towels), all shapes, ages, colors, and sizes. The women would sneak oils onto the rocks, everyone talked about everything. It was beautiful, I felt like a kid entering the wonderful world of womanhood. Maybe it's different for men.

[Guest Sarah in NJ]

Locker and shower rooms are known hang outs for pediophiles (sp?).

 

I will not allow my sons to shower at school or after school programs.

 

I tell my 15 year old if he must change at a public venue, he should change with a towel around his waist. If he must shower, I tell him to leave his swim suit or underware on. He can always get a good shower at home. I tell my 12 year old the same thing.

 

My husband tells me that places like the YMCA and the privet health clubs we are members of, have men hanging around naked and gawk at the other men and especially young boys.

 

My husband told me that once while he was at the YMCA and went to take a shower after working out, there were two older men in the shower for an unusual amount of time to do what they were there for.

 

A young boy, about 13, came in to shower and my husband actually heard one of the men say to the other man, in reference to the young boy who came into the showers; ".....Wow...now, he has a really nice bubble butt."

 

The other older man agreed with him.

 

There is no way to prevent these "child lovers" from joining a public gym.

 

Plus take into consideration the fact that today's electronics and computer technology allows these stangers to take photos/videos of your children and view them when they get those cameras back home;

and what are you going to do when they post your child naked on the world wide web ????

 

Don't tell me that a camera would be seen if someone attemted to do this.

Today's cameras fit into the eye socket of stuffed toys and the quality is excellent. A local man here in New Jersey was caught and arrested for doing this very thing just this past year. He joined a gym and hid a camera in his gym gear bag and was taking video's of all the young boys naked in the locker room and shower room (young teens & older teens). He then went on some web site and posted them for all the world to see.

 

Think about this very carefully before you allow your child to strip and shower in a public place. Your childs FUTURE and SAFETY depends on your decision !!!

[Kelli in TN]

You know what bugs me? At our local YMCA we have boys dressing rooms and girls dressing rooms and mens dressing rooms and women's dressing rooms. Boys and girls (under 18) are never allowed in the adult dressing rooms, but adults are allowed into the kids' dressing rooms. If I knew that an adult (other than a parent accompanying a child) could not enter the kids' dressing rooms I would feel so much better.

 

My kids are not Y members and only attend homeschool swim and gym, so when they are in there they are not alone, the whole class is there.