I have no answers. I've been on both sides. In one state we were the poor country mice and then we moved to another state and became the city mice. Friends looked at me funny both times. Just thinking as I'm writing. I haven't read all of the posts, I hope I'm not repeating: but I think it depends on the individual friend. It's not likely going to be a "one size fits all." I think the issues of money between friends, spouses, even adult children (ex: my grandfather who was blue collar never stepped a toe in my dad's very white collar fancy house) are very, very real. If I were in your shoes, I'd take the friend element out of it as much as possible -- I know that's hard -- and work on myself becoming more comfortable having money. Once you 100 percent have your own back, I'm betting most of your friends will be fine. (Full disclosure: I have to add that as I made some life altering changes, I lost friends. I'm pretty sure I lost a friend or two when I started homeschooling. One even pointblank said, "What the H are you doing??") It sounds cheesy, but I think journaling daily on a topic can really produce significant results. In the meantime, can I have your van? 🙃 Wendy

What an awesome thread! Thank you @Hyacinth!! When I was a kid my mom would have looked at my list (below) and said, "See, you need to learn how to follow directions." (Not when it comes to books, Mom.") 🙃 Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil -- awesome on audio. I can't recommend it enough on audio where you can hear the different Southern accents. I've listened to it three times. The author won a Pulitzer for it. Such a great story. And it really happened. We're Going to Need More Wine by Gabrielle Union. Not "the best," but I'm so glad I read it. Nothing to See Here -- two kids who catch on fire. Sounds weird but very absorbing. Cutting for Stone -- Brilliant book written by a surgeon. So good it's hard to put down. The Choice by Dr. Edith Eger -- This book sounds like a total downer, but it's not! Edith and her sister were sent to Auschwitz and both survived. There's a "boob" contest and other funny/normal moments like Edith's mom loving Gone with the Wind. This is the first concentration camp book I've ever finished and I'm so, so glad that I stuck with it. I won't give any spoilers, but let's just say that Dr. Eger is a rock star when it comes to turning lemons into lemonade. Simple Dreams by Linda Ronstadt -- Such a great book if you love music. I didn't know that Linda was hugely instrumental in bringing the Eagles together. This is an amazing read about Linda's life. She doesn't discuss health issues because this book came out before they nailed down her diagnosis. And if you want to read about her boyfriends -- she gives a couple of guys a sentence or two, but this is not a "kiss and tell." It's strictly about how she grew as a vocalist. So good!! The Splendid and the Vile by Erik Larson -- a meaty book on Churchill and Hitler. Churchill plays the heroes' hero. This book just came out so the holds at the library will be long. Also I scanned all some of the intricate bombing info. and carefully read the parts I loved the most like Churchill's relationship with his wife and adult kids. Just saying: don't let the book's size scare you away from reading it. And compared to some of the Churchill books it's a quick read. I'm sorry I can't follow directions! But, again, great idea @Hyacinth! ♥, Wendy

New Year's Eve -- Stuffed Shells (ricotta, Parmesan, mozzarella, spinach), steamed broccoli, and bread. New Year's morning -- Homemade cinnamon rolls. Thanks for keeping me on the ball everyone!! Wendy

You might think this is dumb, but here goes. For years, I've bought dishes at Goodwill. The Goodwill people tape the sets together so you can get a full set. Or a full set of just plates. Or a full set of bowls etc. Over the years I've found some gorgeous patterns. And of course the prices are awesome. W.

((IfIOnly)) I follow a fashion blogger who has EDS and talks about it often. Just wanted to let you know that various podcasts have a person with Ehlers on to talk about their lives. These two guys are hilarious, have a rare disease themselves, and had an EDS guest on in this segment. But I think lots of podcasts have had EDS guests on. W.

I'll start by saying I'm new to being a clean/tidy car-owner. (For example, our van was a wreck with twins and three dogs over a 16 year period. Now we have a German shepherd and bought a new Toyota, For once, I didn't want the backseat turning into a disaster zone with dog hair everywhere. (We take River in the car a lot too.) So, I did/do two layers: The first layer is a puffy queen-size comforter in a beautiful flower fabric that I bought at Goodwill. Max I probably paid $5 for it. (I don't remember.) Again it's huge and really helps to keep River's mess at bay. The second layer is a car sling that goes over the huge blanket. This is the one I bought from Amazon. It looks kind of complicated in the picture, but it's not hard to deal with. I bought the sling in May 2019 and it just now needs to be replaced (the material is wearing thin in places.) River is a large, very sheddy dog and is hard on material. These two layers should save your backseat! W.

((((Lauraw4321)))), I share your beliefs. Three years ago, I stumbled on this amazing podcast that I've never spent a dime on. And listening to this woman gave me a new lease on life. Sounds dorky, but I'm being sincere. Again, it doesn't cost to listen to her podcast. She really puts her heart and soul into each 20 min. podcast that comes out on Thursdays. I think now she's on #350 or something, but start at the very beginning. Start on number one go to number two etc. Several podcasts spoke to me so much that I listened again and again and again. This is good stuff. Her name is Brook Castillo and she trains people in becoming life coaches, but the podcasts are for everyone. (For example, I never plan to be a life coach.) Enjoy, I think you'll be very pleased. Wendy

((((Bensmom)))), Not being with you, I know exactly nothing, but I'll add my thoughts. Ben needs to be told that none of this has anything to do with him. He needs to hear that he's an incredible, wonderful person and that people in the world will absolutely adore him. (I would say this to him in one form or another every day for the rest of his life.) My thought is that your dh is projecting the terrible relationships he had w/ his mom or dad onto your son. Your dh doesn't understand this, but he isn't "seeing" your son. He truly believes that your son is irritating him. No. The relationship dh is responding to is something from his past. Your ds is just in the "wrong place, wrong time." There's a line of thought that goes like this: the mom teaches the baby/child about him or herself. The dad teaches the child about the world. (In other words, the dad is the first "other" from the world that the child gets to know.) I'm sending you every positive thought I can muster. I would find an amazing child therapist. And if you don't like the first one, go to a second and so on. Some therapists are awesome, some magical, and some just meh. Prepare yourself for the search. Take good care of yourself -- Ben needs you. W.

Don't mean to thread-steal, but I have an indoor bike and want to get the Peloton app like you're doing. What do you actually watch the Peloton videos on? I have an ipod, but it's tiny. My kids have Fire notebook. What do you recommend? Wendy

I agree w/ Melissa. Dh has always said, "you can have compassion for someone who has rabies, but you don't have to spend Christmas w/ them." That thought has really helped me. My thought: super difficult people don't transform. Take care, W.

Thanks for telling me about this, I have several in my family who are ice cream fanatics!! 🙂 Wendy

I totally had to google it! W.

You should be so proud! (My dh wishes I'd wear leggings around the house too.) 🙂 Wendy

I love our bench too -- it's so versatile. We used it for years at our table and then one day we turned it into the TV screen stand. Super functional. 🙂 Wendy

The unexpected happens. You're super smart to be thinking about this. I LOVE the nursing degree idea. Love it. I'm doing research on this now for a friend. You can go to a two-year college to get an RN (registered nurse) degree, and then you take a state exam to get the RN certificate. You have to have the cert to be an RN. (Many states are hurting for nurses.) If you up the life insurance so that you're covered for at least three years, you'll have time to get your RN cert. Or, alternatively, you can start now taking a class or two a semester toward your RN degree. Honestly, that's what I would do. I'd do the following: 1) Up your life insurance to cover you and the kids for three to four years. 2) Begin working toward your RN degree. 3) Some jobs actually give disability insurance as part of their benefits package. Ask dh to look into this. 4) What would your dh's job pay if he were to die? Some give a certain amount, others give one year's salary to the spouse. 5) I'm assuming you guys are young, but his social security would come to you too. I wouldn't go the teaching route. I just hear friends who are constantly annoyed with their teaching jobs. Hugs -- I've thought long and hard about this very topic too. My boys are 17 now, but when they were 16 and under we had massive life insurance on dh. And I kept a file on where everything was hidden (a bank here, a credit union there, asked what dh's job would pay etc) You're smart for thinking about this!! (You'll feel way better once you have a plan.) Wendy

A phenomenal book always puts me into a better head space. Hope you're doing better, Wendy

Well said!! W.

Adding: my kids love their favorite flavor of Jelly Belly in the stockings. Wendy

What do the kids do with fairy lights? Also, "fancier than usual self-care?" What do you get? I have one son who is into gels, soaps etc. TIA! W.

What/where are exotic sodas? My kids would love that. And which fancy chocolate? Wendy

Wait, I'm googling this now. The older I get the more I love good cleaning products. I can't believe that I'm turning into the kind of adult that says, "I can't take how much the dog sheds!" (To be fair we have a German shedder.) That comment is coming super close to, "Get off my lawn!!" Thanks for the tip! Wendy

I used to hear it called closet narcissism, but Katy's right. The type of person you're dealing w/ is a pain in the neck. Wendy

Just adding that Costco sells kayaks. Friends bought through them and were really pleased. W.

Call the therapist. He or she will feel needed (they want to be there for you). W.

You are not alone. At all. W.