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Everything posted by Danestress

  1. I don't have a strong opinion. When I got married we had a 50 person wedding. We both have small families and my father did not invite any business associates at all, so that door was not opened. It was not cheap, but most of the excess expense was to suit my parents. They would not want to host a wedding without a nice sit down meal and open bar. They want to not let people travel and then feed them hor d'oeurves (for me personally hor d'oeurves are my favorite meal). My mother is not someone who wants any do-it-yourself projects on her list. I was not that interested in wedding stuff. So Mom found a venue, chose the food, hired musicians, and I showed up. I did have my dress made. I went to the florist with her. So she really made the decisions that drove the budget. I was willing to just let her do it because I was busy, lived in another state, and knew she would do it nicely. I have sons. The first married at the magistrate's and we took them out for a very nice meal. Got off easy. I would absolutely hate to do a daughters wedding that required a lot of creativity in my part. I'm just not good at that kind of thing. If would cause me so much stress! I can see paying people to handle details to avoid that. I would not want to ask my friends to do the work. But I also wouldn't spend $25k. So I guess I would hope for a small wedding!
  2. Your kids have no absolute right to interact with the dog. The dog doesn't like it. It sounds like he is telling them that. I think you need to absolutely forbid them from interacting with the dog. If they won't obey you, then they can only play when you are free to be outside. Ideally, the owner would have socialized the dog better for this situation. It's a problem with both the kid and the dog/owner. But it is what it is. It's an opportunity to teach the kids to respect dog signals, which will help protect them for years. It's an opportunity to make them respect your decision and to exercise self control. And because this situation can only get worse if it continues, it's important to do what will keep them safe.
  3. I don't think it does in most states. The problem is that broadly speaking, married people can not be forced to testify against each other. So once married, it's pretty hard to proscecute a private activity.
  4. Can you get experienced advice anywhere else? I worry that the hospital may be giving you an 'all or nothing' choice because they are under some kind of pressure (to keep paperwork down, discourage use of public resources, keep the hours down of hospital social workers or other employees who could assist you in accessing help, etc.) Some hospitals provide help with making choices at a transition - like finding another placement or accessing government supported assistance at home. I would not want to make this choice before I had all the information I could about options. I also would not want to say, "I can't," if that might start down a road I don't want to go down (for example, if they might recommend that you are not a suitable career and that a new guardian be appointed for her). You are emotional and exhausted and should not have to make these decisions without talking to someone who is knowledgeable and who can help you advocate for yourself and your whole family.
  5. Total stranger (male): Your twins are beautiful. Me: Thank you. TS: Were you pregnant with more but aborted one?
  6. ((((Sadie)))) I hope you got some sleep and will be able to take care of yourself a bit too in all this. I am so sorry you are going through this and that she is going through what she is. I am glad, though, that she has you. It seems to me that a parent who can honestly say, "I do have regrets and I'm sorry for my mistakes," is a precious thing. In some ways, it might be better than a parent who doesn't appear to make mistakes. Try to speak kindly to yourself.
  7. How long did it take to get the letter of administration? My worry would be that until the estate is settled and all creditors accounted for, property can't be distributed. So if I died tomorrow, DH would have two cars in my name. He could drive them, but could not sell one or transfer one to one of our kids, he couldn't register them in a different state if he wants to move, etc. If they were properly titled, this would be easier.
  8. I have a doctor friend who lived in Venezuela but was trained at a prestigious US medical school and did her residency in a equally prestigious position. She said that, with the exception of some medical schools that actually cater to kids from America that couldn't get into medical school here, she thinks medical schools in South America and the Caribbean train doctors quite well. She said that American doctors, especially young ones, sometimes use technology as a crutch. For example, they order CT scans without even fully examining the patient, asking questions, and really listening to answers, so their diagnostic skills are weak. This is just her opinion and experience, and I can't vouch for it. With any procedure, I would go to the consultation and pay attention to what the doctor is like. Does he or she explain all the risks and benefits and answer your questions? Does he or she go over any relevant medical history and scans? Is his or her manner steady? I'm not sure I could do it, but some people might ask how many procedures he or she has performed and how many have resulted in any kind of complaint to the licensing board.
  9. I married quickly without knowing DH well. I definitely didn't follow this first piece of advice, and am grateful every day that I made a perfect choice by dumb luck. But I think that the advice is perfect. I will tell my boys this if they ask.
  10. I am not a great gift giver. I had an old friend visit for a week recently. After she left, she sent me a few things as a thank you that reflected a characteristic level of thoughtfulness. She just pays attention to people and notices things. She noticed that my silicone spatula was ripped, asked if I like using it, and one was included in the box. She sent me a book I had mentioned wanting to read. She sent Bluetooth earbuds because I had mentioned that when my husband works at home, I miss being able to listen to podcasts as I do housework. I aspire to that type of thoughtfulness.
  11. I'm with you Dawn. Don't tell me there is only one right way. I was at a dinner the other night. There was a young couple and they actually were inviting, 'your best advice for newlyweds' type discussion. The rest of us had all been married 20 years or more. It was actually a nice time with close friends sharing, but I left wondering if DH and I are headed for divorce - even though we are a a very very happy couple and have never had big marriage issues. Everyone's advice was along the lines of, "Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk about every problem. Listen actively and repeat what you are hearing. Talk more." I would die. Please. Let's not talk about every hurt feeling or possible criticism. Talking can help solve issues, but it can also create them, and it's tedious. Let's just see if it's still a problem in a few days. Make tea a lot. "Least said, soonest mended." I didn't say much because everyone else's seems so sure, and I know what has worked for DH and I might be terrible advice in some marriages. I think the best way to do any relationship is the way that makes both people able to be their best selves. I am not raising 'kid." I am raising three actual people (actually I am done raising them). I am not married to men. I am married to DH. I actually sometimes think my childless sister and friends have great input because they can see my kids without reflecting them off their own kids. They have no ego in it. They can think objectively.
  12. He's a teenager. A sleepless night won't kill him, even if he is hungry and thirsty. Surely he can bear that an avoid the risk.
  13. "How nice. I hope the trip to Europe and all that time at the beach won't impact her ability to get this done by the deadline."
  14. Take these as facts: Across the general population, 12% of people will develop a certain disease by age 65. There are six genotypes that indicate risk (but not certainty - none is a guarantee of developing or not developing that disease). A person with the "highest risk" genotype had a 12 times greater risk of developing that disease by 65 than average. 2% of people in the population have this high risk genotype. Assume there are no other factors that are relevant (no other risk factors, no protective lifestyles or treatment). How would you calculate the risk of a person who has the riskiest genotype? What other information would you need to know? The thing I am hung up on is that we aren't comparing people with the riskiest genotype to a person with a different genotype, but with the average risk of all people, which includes other people with that genotype. Anyone?
  15. Find the time. I have heard from multiple friends that the process of transferring a title from one name to two is so much easier than transferring it from one to another after a death. I have both cars in my name too, and we are going to take care of this soon. I don't want him to have that headache when he will have many other things to deal with should I die.
  16. Couldn't you just have 'his cash' and 'her cash' categories that aren't itemized beyond that? The each person could have an agreed to amount of money every month that could be used for personal saving or spending without accounting? We don't track his way, but if we did, I would want that. I wouldn't like how it might affect our marriage for me to start recognizing and questioning every time he bought a Starbucks coffee or picked up lunch instead of packing. Likewise, I would not want him to start questioning me about downloading a book on Kindle when I could have checked it out from the library. But if we each had a small amount of money to spend without scrutiny, I think we would probably benefit financially by tracking all our other expenses.
  17. I just did a BAC calculator for a 120 pound woman who drink 2 beers in 30 minutes. She would have a .7 BAC which is under the legal limit in my state. That does not mean her driving wouldn't be impaired, of course. I know it would make me feel impaired. A heavier woman would have a lower BAC, and most people would not drink 2 beers that quickly. How often someone drinks might also make a diference. But I thought I would throw this out there.
  18. Oh, of course. I was not suggesting that suing someone would be an appropriate response. I was just thinking that maybe this isn't about him thinking she "owes him" something on a date, but rather that she owes everyone in the theater some respect. However, in either situation I think filing in small claims court would be ridiculous. It would cost him over $100 to file the claim and serve it, so I think he probably was doing this to embarrass her, or to make a point. Either way, he seems like a huge jerk.
  19. Although, what if it weren't a date? What if a person goes to a movie and a person near him in the theatre texts throughout the movie? I will admit, when people text in a dark theatre, it distracts and annoys me to the point I wish I could make them reimburse me for the ticket! I probably could start a thread on how annoying it is when people talk, eat loudly, or text during movies. Surely we can all agree on that! The tickets are so expensive these days, and it's truly a bummer when one person can impact the experience so negatively.
  20. If I have a party and adults are there, they are my guests too, even if the party is for a child. So I would serve beer or wine according to the food served and time of day. Normally I would not offer alcohol at lunch, but if we were having a party at dinner time, I would offer adults alcohol. If there is only one adult driving the child, as is often the case at a party for a child, they are unlikely to drink or will drink very little. But I consider alcohol a normal part of an adult meal for those who choose it, and would offer it.
  21. That is not, in fact, what small claims court is for.
  22. I think the desires and personality of the oldest child are what really determines how this works out. My sister and I were six and eight years old when my parents had a third daughter. I was absolutely thrilled, deeply invested in being a good sister, and she has been an absolute blessing on my life. Six years isn't that much though. My oldest (only, at the time) son was 10 when his twin brothers were born. Obviously he didn't have a peer type relationship with them in their childhood. But he was always very engaged with them. He was my least motivated child in high school. Despite his high intelligence, he was an average student. He was not ambitious about sport or other activities. But consequently he had more time in his teens to be around the house. He gave his brothers a lot of time and energy. He protected them, entertained them, and enjoyed them. We made sure he always had his own room and allowed him to make it off limits to them. We tried not to burden him with their care. For the most part, I allowed him to have a level of authority to direct them. I think those things helped. I do think most of the reason they are so close is because of the character and personality of my oldest son - and partly because my twins were agreeable, easy boys. My oldest is 29 now and they are in college. He still does a great job keeping up with them, and is very much a part of their lives.
  23. My son was ten when his twin brothers were born. I think he appreciated being recognized - it's definitely the thought that counts in this situation. I might give them things to do. Depending on the kid - books, art supplies, some kind of kit to build, or even movies.
  24. No. We pay them. But our deductible has a family cap that we can manage. If he were in his own plan or without insurance, those bills would likely be much higher.
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