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Danestress

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Everything posted by Danestress

  1. Apparently you took my questions personally. I did not intend to makes a "potshot." I was sincerely asking you to elaborate on what you said. You seem to care a lot about these issues, and they are important. I see this is as two issues, a question of what institutions and societies can do about an obvious problem on college campuses, and a question about the decisions individual families make. While we can share our ideas and have respectful discussions about how to make decisions regarding our own kids, ultimately I have to make my decisions and you have to make yours. I don't see the value of attacking each other's choices. But on some level, colleges, communities, and larger society need to respond to this problem on college campuses. We read about tragedies that result from impulsive and distructive behavior, much of which appears to be built around a party culture, and we want to see that culture change. I was asking questions about how much we can change and how to go about it.
  2. I'm interested in your statement above. What specific social norms would you like to see developed regarding this age group? How would we ensure that young adults will buy into those norms? What would that look like? I'm not entirely sure how to clearly define what a social norm is. For example, does the high rate of adultery in the US mean that adultery is a "social norm?" We know that some colleges are plagued with high levels of binge drinking, and see the consequences of that behavior, but is binge drinking a social norm? Or is it just something we know occurs? What do you mean by making sure young adults are "supervised" (speaking about wider society and not individual parents controlling their own offspring). To what extent can supervision make sure young adults "behave in a civilized manner." Can a society guarantee that anyone or any group behaves in a civilized manner? We punish bad behavior and try to reduce bad behavior, but do you have any vision of how we can actually prevent bad behavior?
  3. To me it seemed as if the writer formed all of her ideas about professional life by listening to college commencement addresses. She consistently speaks of working life as the pursuit of "excellence," but in my experience most professionals are not daily consumed with "excellence." They are more likely thinking about doing things "very well." It's a reasonable choice to merely strive to be competent, diligent, knowledgeable, wise, efficient, and ethical. Can we even agree what professional excellence means? She writes about raising children as if there is no room for skill or competence. Also, only fathers in Portland and New York are primary caregivers. Do they really not have that in Texas? She seems to see women as working primarily for themselves - to satisfy their need for "excellence," to gain recognition and respect, for materialist reasons. She doesn't seem to recognize that women (like men) also work because they are nurturing, loving, committed parents who want to provide adequate food and shelter. They want to educate their children and pay for art, music, or sports training, for travel, for long term security. Sometimes we limit our options out of fear or self doubt. Some of the young women she is counseling aren't even in relationships yet! They can devote all the energy they want to individual achievement. They may need to have the faith in themselves to reprioritize as circumstances change. Perhaps they will later decide to surrender the pursuit of professional exceptionalism in favor of professional competence. Most of us would not tell our children that they should not finish school unless they can achieve an excellent GPA, that musical education's only reasonable goal is perfection, that sports are worthwhile only for those who are exceptional. Perhaps these women will choose to revise their professional goals, and I hope if they do so, they can do so with pride. Deciding to stay at home to raise kids is a perfectly reasonable choice (and was my own choice). However, whether at home or at work, the burden of perfectionism can be painful. I don't want my children to believe that their professional lives must be consumed with striving for some unreachable ideal of excellence. I would rather see them set reasonable goals in whatever pursuit, care about doing things well, pay attention to the details, and value a job well done even if not done perfectly. I hope they do not burden their children with the idea that work is not worth doing unless the results are somehow exceptional. I hope that if they or their spouses leave the workforce to raise children, they will take pleasure not just in their relationships, but also in reaching (different) goals, learning new things, pursuing new skills.
  4. Danestress

    WWYD?

    These are the stickiest of issues. Been there, done that. I I finally decided that I would not hold one of my twins back because of the pride of the other. They did better with it than I thought, They are in college now - states apart - and are really proud of each other's accomplishments. It's probably easier with twins then with an age gap like yours, but I think with daughters I would be even less inclined to place a daughter below her natural level. Women get pressure their whole lives to restrict their ambition, downplay their accomplishments, and deflect credit for their achievements. I would err on the side of promoting her academic reach.
  5. Can you not reach DH at all? If he wanted it, I would be inclined to defer (since you seem to have at least some bit of willingness to consider it) If he objects, I would tell MIL that you don't think it's a good idea while DH is out of town. When he gets back, he can break it to her.
  6. My husband and I know each other's pass codes. I think my children do too. I use my husband's cell phone pretty often to call my own, because I seem to have trouble with misplacing things. I don't do things on my phone, nor does my husband, that we would consider a secret or shameful. However, I do think that the people we might email or text deserve privacy. People use their cell phones in business. Sometimes they have an obligation to safeguard confidentiality of clients. We use our phones to text and email friends and family, and I consider those conversation private. I am not one who believes that anything you tell a friend becomes the business of his or her spouse. Honestly, I may not really want my husband to know that I am posting on this forum right now instead of doing something productive :). He has my code and I have his, but it would feel like a violation to use it in order to see texts or emails or the browsing history of a spouse.
  7. Custody determinations are ideally about what is in the best interests of the child (or should be). What is 'fair' to each parent is not the standard. Courts can try to divide financial assets 'fairly,' but should not focus on what is 'fair' to parents with respect to custody. 'Best interests of the child' may be a subjective determination, and one that is made by a person who carries opinions and biases. Judges may get it wrong sometimes. But ideally a court looks at the facts presented to it and tries to figure out what is going to be in the child's interests. That might mean the custodial parent moves and the noncustodial parent, through no fault of his or her own, suffers a loss of time with the child. Or it may be that custody is transferred to the other parent. Either way, the child is losing something too, but Judges are forced to make decisions when parents can't.
  8. I probably would say something to any adult neighbor who drove like that on my street. To an adult son I might say, "I know you are an adult, but I saw how you drove the other night and was upset about it. There people walking, driving and playing in this neighborhood, and they have a right to do so without that kind of recklessness. As your mother, I also very much hate to see you put yourself at risk of making a mistake that could change your life forever.
  9. I am afraid to file it, but a finger cot is a brilliant thing that I did not even know existed! Thanks!
  10. I cracked the nail on my thumb to almost the halfway point. I keep my nails short so there is nothing to cut off from the end, but the nail is jagged across the surface. I don't think I can do much until it grows out, but I need to protect it, and bandaids/waterproof tape are not cutting it. To keep it from snagging, I could apply multiple layers of clear polish, I guess? Or maybe cover the nail with superglue? This seems like such a stupid thing, but I am wanting to do all the housework, yard work, cooking etc I normally do, and this is making it hard! I am not vain about how solutions look, but bandaids/tape quickly get gross!
  11. Sure. I would never want to do in-home childcare for many reasons, including low pay and the headaches you described. My point was just that figuring out the hourly rate for regular daycare is not an appropriate guide for what to pay a babysitter, in my opinion.
  12. But in home child care is different. Often there is more than one child for whom to be paid. The sitter is in her own home and often caring for her own children. People pay less per hour for group settings either in home or in a center. When someone comes to your house on a babysitting gig, she's giving up her full time and all the other things she could be doing. If it's a regularly scheduled, dependable commitment by both parties, sometimes one will do that for less.
  13. So basically the message is that a young woman's time is worth $3.33 an hour. No thanks. Not a message I would want my (imaginary) daughter to absorb.
  14. The Decision of the court of appeals is online. You can read it hear: http://cases.justia.com/south-carolina/court-of-appeals/2016-2016-81.pdf?ts=1481840663 Here is a quote from the court decision: "In sum, Father (1) voluntarily started his prison term early so he could complete the sentence as soon as possible, (2) sent a letter to the DSS caseworker expressing his desire to visit Child, (3) asked for Foster Parents' telephone number so he could call Child, (4) asked Grandmother to use $50 per month to support Child instead of sending it to Father in prison, (5) sent a letter to his attorney asking for an update on the case, (6) voluntarily signed an affidavit acknowledging paternity, (7) obtained a DNA test proving paternity even though DSS failed to assist with the test, (8) sent a letter to the GAL seeking to pursue a relationship with Child, (9) completed and returned a questionnaire from the GAL within one week, and (10) sent Child a birthday card expressing his love for Child. Under these facts and circumstances, clear and convincing evidence does not exist to show Father willfully abandoned Child by evincing an intent or settled purpose to forego parental duties. Thus, the family court erred by finding a statutory ground for TPR existed based on willful abandonment."
  15. I am so sorry. This must be very hard. Scheduling a wedding for right after a divorce is supposed to be final is a terrible idea. Terrible. Divorces get delayed for many reasons. It happens all the time. I also want to say that, as someone who's married a widower, I am shocked by how some posters are so sure that every second wife is a greedy and insensitive. But my heart goes out to you, because this is happening so fast and your grief over your mother' death must still be very raw. I can't imagine what it must be like.
  16. Whether she is entitled to that, however, if a legal matter. It's not about what feels fair. In most states, property that is inherited or given as a gift to one spouse is "separate" property and not subject to distribution in a divorce. If my parents give me $10,000 and I put that in my own checking account, it's my separate property and remains so. if I deposit that money in the joint account with my husband, it can lose its "separate" character and become marital property. It may be considered a gift to the marriage in that kind of case. In my state, if my parents put me on a deed to their home but continue to live in it, maintain it, and handle it's expenses themselves, my interest in that home would almost certainly be my separate property. Obviously, this is fact specific and also subject to the laws in that jurisdiction. I hate to feel like I'm being argumentative here, but I also hate to see OP get bad advice. Since the OP has an attorney, I am sure her attorney can advise her best. There can be a real risk in pursuing claims that are clearly legally without merit - such as a court ordering that the party bringing the meritless claim pay the other party's legal expenses.
  17. That may or may not be true. What does your attorney say about that? In many cases, his interest in his parent's home would be seperate property and not divisible, but your state law and specific facts would determine this.
  18. So she doesn't like him and has posted nothing you consider "inappropriate" and they have never met, but people are concerned about statutory rape? I think it's great that as a coach you have this concern and care for the kids you're coaching. I think it's great that a coach would want to talk to her girls about safety beyond their actual practice and competition time. However, you need to tread very lightly. Neither of these children have done something particularly wrong. It's pretty normal for kids to want to look older than they are. That is so human. And they aren't doing anything wrong by talking to each other, commenting on each other's posts, etc. Since you say she doesn't like him, I think the fact that he is "thinking" about dating her seems less threatening. It takes two people to date. But I also think it's great that you've warned him about her age and that he knows you're aware of the situation, and that learning that Information made him feel weird. Honestly since you're looking at the things she posts, I think what I might do is just to respond myself. Can you just post comments like, "Great photos! You look older than 12 in this photo," or " I remember feeling that way myself at 12 years old." In addition to broadcasting her actual age, it also lets her know do you have an eye on this.
  19. Which would require knowing which state's laws apply.
  20. Some of the answers you need really depend on what state your niece lives in. But generally I will say that custody and visitation determinations are supposed to be based on the child's best interests. Courts generally presume that a meaningful relationship with both parents is in a child's best interests, unless there is strong evidence otherwise. Your niece needs an attorney. And I agree that she needs to prepare herself for the likelihood that a court will award the father significant parenting time. It actually sounds like she is being responsible - getting that college degree, working part time, leaving the child with a (presumably) responsible adult. What is his living/work situation like?
  21. Yeah, sometimes. But my mind knows that's men are more likely to be assaulted than women, that women are more likely to be assaulted at home and/or by someone they know, and that statistically women fair better in terms of hiking/wilderness accidents and injuries than men. I use reasonable precautions, but I think fear is almost inevitable for women. I try not to let fear control and limit me. When hiking alone with younger kids, we talked through safety and emergency procedures, and I was very clear that when hiking, my word was LAW. I knew having a child (or me ) injured would be a small crisis. If I couldn't reach help, it would be tough for an injured me to hike or for me to carry an child child and still keep the others safe. This would be true for a man too, though. I actually feel more nervous in an urban/suburban park than I do camping/hiking in remote areas.
  22. I can't believe so many of you wouldn't say anything. I am somewhat private but tend to think I am not confrontational. Even so, I would have no problem telling a snooping relative (calmly) that I would like her not to do so again. I don't think I need a reason. Even if it was were a stack of coupons, it just doesn't seem like anyone has a right to do that. I would never ask anyone, including my adult kids, what their child scored on such a test. I might say, "how did he do""?" But would not press at all if my DIL said, "He did fine." I think this is a family culture thing. I can't imagine my mother looking through my mail or my papers.
  23. Also make sure you cut back landscaping around the windows so that it's difficult for someone to hide close to the house.
  24. I don't think many adults use Sir/Ma'am it for all members of the older generation, and mostly it is used in response to questions (yes Sir/no Ma'am). For example, we don't as often use it at work with older coworkers. It would be uncommon to hear a 45 year old woman consistently answer her 65 year old housekeeper with 'ma'am.' I guess there can be a rank based distinction here, which is troublesome. However, kids use Sir/Ma'am for all adults. They don't get away with using it for the doctor but not the maid. I have gotten used to it, but I used to find myself startled when I asked a child a question and he/she replied 'yes' or 'no' without the 'Ma'am.' I am used to it now and understand it's about culture and not character. But those of you elsewhere, you do use these words when you don't know someone and have to address them, right? As in, "Excuse me Ma'am, you dropped your keys." Or "Sir, you can not park here, they will ticket you."
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