It depends on the person and relationship. I have some relatives that operate under the assumption that other people will naturally take care of every single need and want of theirs. I don't like giving things to them because they don't plan or assume responsibility for their lives.

Right? I was thinking "Wow, people have really interesting jobs! I wonder what kind of stunt work they are doing...oh...OH!"

My father has stated he will never marry again. He is recently divorced after a very brief marriage to a woman that has a personality disorder, (no one realized it until after they were married). Older people often have a lot of financial resources and it's messy sorting out what is "fair" once you remarry, especially if one spouse has considerably more assets than the other. My father wanted the bulk of his estate to go to his children and grandchildren, and to leave a smaller portion of money plus survivorship rights to the house to his (now former) wife. She would have been taken care of; we were not ever going to toss her out on the street or let her suffer. She wanted ALL of his estate to go to her and pass on to her children and grandchildren after she died. That didn't sit right with anyone, because she did absolutely zero to contribute to that wealth, but her argument was that once she said "I do", she was entitled to everything as his wife. For what it's worth, I don't really care what my dad does with his money. I had already told him to take me out of his will for other reasons, so I had no dog in the race. But my father worked VERY hard for that money, and it burned up everyone that someone who put in zero work or support while he earned that money would take it all and we'd have to fight her to fulfill his wishes. So that's why some people won't ever remarry. People feel very entitled and greedy when money is involved, and sometimes the only way to protect those assets is to make sure no one has the opportunity to touch them. I do hope that my dad finds a nice girlfriend one day, and preferably someone that has her own money, so she won't be hot to remarry because she thinks her grandkids will get a trust fund.

I am addressing next year's holiday cards NOW. Every year I say I am going to be more organized and get cards written, and every year it is a scramble to get them done. Once they are written and addressed, I will pack them away with the Christmas decorations. Next year, I will just need to stamp them and pop in an updated picture of the kiddo, and put them in the mail.

Our dog sleeps in a crate at night. I'm sure he'd be fine out of it, but it's become our routine, so we stick with it. It's nice to have a safe place for him to go when needed, (broken glass, something messy that I don't want "dog help" with, fireworks that freak him out, etc. We also have a cat, and crate time gives the cat some dog-free time to prowl around. The cat and dog get along fine, but sometimes she's just fed up with him! Whether or not you crate your dog depends on the temperament of the dog and the habits of the household. If your dog is a chewer, it can be a weight off your mind to crate him when you cannot supervise. I've known several people with dogs that like to chew chair legs, table legs, sofa cushions, walls (!!!).

Could you send your spouse home with the kids, and you stay behind for the funeral? I agree that staying with your mom while your aunt is in deep grief sounds like a bad idea. It sounds like there will be drama no matter what you do. If all of you stay at your mom's, there will be drama (kids freaking out? Aunt freaking out? Everyone freaking out?). If you don't stay, there will be drama (Mom throwing a fit?). So I'd pick the option that sucked the least for you and your little family.

"Wow, you sure do ask a lot of very personal questions!" Then silence. If they press on "This is personal/making me feel awkward, so I'm ending the conversation now". Then subject change or walking away. I don't feel either response is rude as long as there isn't a biting tone when spoken. If they feel embarrassed, well, I dunno, maybe they shouldn't ask questions that make others feel awkward. Hand the awkwardness right back to them.

I want to print this out and mail it to both my dad and MIL, who both give gifts based on how giving a gift makes *them* feel, and not at all on how the recipient feels. Very wise!

Good for you! I hope that next Christmas is exactly what you hope for! Your SIL sounds like a bitter little pill. I wouldn't go to any more of their events, either.

Wow, this guy is nuts! I'd make it really clear to DH that he can handle all communication with this "friend" because I would no longer be involved. And then block block block on all available channels!

I am not sure I would expect DH to say something to his mother in front of everyone, but I would damn well expect DH to offer some sort of apology/empathetic words to me later in private. Like, "Hey, what my mom said was really awful and I'm sorry you had to hear that", and give me a pass on ever hanging out with her again. My MIL has bipolar disorder and sometimes says or does things that are...incredible, IMO. Telling her to stop will not work, and if it does happen work, it comes with an expensive price tag. I am learning to ignore her and refer all of her nonsense to DH. If I was the Mexican friend, I'd think about what I wanted for an outcome and whether or not MIL was capable of delivering on the outcome. Does your friend want MIL to change her behaviors or does she want her DH to acknowledge the behavior is garbage?

Your BIL is a bully. The argument he had with you about your son was him trying to get YOU to agree/participate in the bullying of your child. When you wouldn't, he moved on to fighting with your DH. I bet that BIL often uses triangulation as a means to get what he wants. Let your DH handle his brother in the way he sees fit. He knows him better than you. As for the kids, it sucks when adults act terribly and it impacts the kids. But it seems like the price of admission to seeing the kids is putting up with BIL's bullying. You and DH will have to decide if it's worth it. Maybe you can direct cousin meet-ups through SIL, and ask if she'd like to get *just* the kids together? It may or may not work, depending on how invested BIL is in making you guys feel bad and be the bad guys of the family. Edited to add: I would not want my kids around BIL. I'd consider contact in public places like restaurants if I had to see BIL, or else I'd stick to the kids like glue and never let them be alone with BIL if we were stuck meeting in private. BIL will likely bully them again or talk trash about you and/or DH to the kids if he has the chance.

I really like all my presents, but my favorite is a pair of socks with chickens on them. They are hilarious and perfect.

This is so sweet. ❤️

I liked it! And I do think I will start to prep a few things way in advance, so I have more time to relax and enjoy the season. I wish my holidays could be 100% relaxed and simple, but I have relatives and in-laws who refuse to read that memo and add all sorts of complication and drama to the season. There's prep work I can do in August that will mitigate my irritation with the extended relations come each November. ❤️

Another idea: you can "love" your brother without loving all the parts of your brother. You can decide what it means when you say "Of course I love my brother". Maybe loving your brother means you only send greeting or post cards, and you never, ever allow him in your house, but you will meet him once or twice a year for dinner at a restaurant where (maybe?) he is less likely to act up. Fully loving your brother doesn't have to mean he gets access to your home, children, or ideals held close to your heart. Other people may think "If you truly love someone, your relationship will look like XYZ and you will tic ABC boxes on my relationship checklist". That's *their* definition of love. You do not have to define it the same way, nor do you have to explain it to anyone else's satisfaction.

Tell uncle to knock it off. Be prepared with a plan for when uncle "forgets" and takes a bazillion pictures anyway.

I think humans are generally hopeful and optimistic. I think we also have the desire for things to become complete and whole. Your relationship with your brother is a chord that never resolves. So you go back again and again, hoping that may this time some part of it will make sense and make the chord finally resolve. It's what keeps me going back for more of my father's nonsense. Part of me keeps hoping he'll finally, FINALLY treat me as the person I am and not a prop in his life-movie. This will never happen. It makes me sad that I have to keep my father at a great distance emotionally, but he demonstrates that he will not respect my boundaries every.single.time I give him a chance to prove me wrong. (This Christmas has already been a humdinger, let me tell you!) People who are troubling, if not downright toxic, are unlikely to change or see the benefit of you wanting to help them be less of an a$$#*!*. They don't think they are doing anything wrong. They can tell there is some tension and weirdness in the relationship, but they will always come to the conclusion that the problem is NOT them, and that it's you. Quite literally, my father once told me that I needed to be more understanding of his wife's need to be nasty, mean, and threatening to me and my child. He does not see that her behavior was problematic and 100% believes that the problem is my reaction and not her actions. It's like trying to make an addict see they have a problem. They won't see it until they are ready to see it. Many of them never see it. I am pondering this a lot myself today, (like I said, it's been a humdinger of a Christmas), and I feel very similar to how I felt when I left my ex husband. My ex was an addict and an alcoholic. A lot of my mental energy was spent trying to control and correct the situation, which proved impossible. When I finally, finally accepted my ex husband for who he was, (an addict and an alcoholic), it was done with enormous love. It hit me that he was living with enormous tension and anger because his wife didn't accept him as he was. He told me one night shortly before I moved out "This is the best that I can do", and I decided that I would believe him. I would not try to control or correct him. It wasn't my job to make him a better person or less of a jerk. As crazy as it sounds, the most loving thing I did was to accept him for who he was, an addict and an alcoholic, and then leave him. It wasn't fair to try to get him to change. Even if he's a disaster as a person, it's not up to me to make that judgement and "fix" him. That's between him and god. Maybe your role isn't to help your brother be less of an a$$h@!e. Maybe your role is to truly accept him for who he is, even if that means you see him less. Maybe loving detachment is the answer?

I have a dog, and would not leave him that long. I'm also firmly in the camp of "We do NOT bring our dog with us to other people's homes", and other people do NOT bring their dog to my house. My dog is crated when guests are here. He's nice but too boisterous. Anyway... I'd pick either the brunch OR the dinner and do that. 11-ish hours would be too long for me, my husband, and my kiddo. We've got about 3-4 hours of people-ing in us, and then we're super crabby and DONE. Not wanting to leave your dogs is a totally valid reason too, IMO. Boarding isn't cheap, especially if you have big dogs, and some dogs really freak out in boarding. So, I'd pick whichever meal I wanted to attend, and tell mom that attending both meals is a really, really long day for all of you, plus you can't leave the dogs that long, so you'll be there between Xpm and Ypm. If grandma is really, really upset that she won't get to see you more, maybe you can invite her over for New Year's Day? My mom used to do a NYD dinner that was very laid back and the meetup for people who had tricky schedules during Christmas.

It sounds like stress plus sleep deprivation. The other day, I was at Subway and they asked what kind of cheese I wanted. I couldn't remember what to call the sliced round cheese, and the more I tried to remember, the more I panicked and could NOT remember. The girl looked at me like I was nuts and I wondered if maybe I was starting to experience early dementia or something and then all of a sudden...PROVOLONE! The brain is weird. The sheepishness might not be guilt over an affair. It might be the embarrassment that he's stressed at work and that stress is spilling into his home life, (ie: he couldn't remember the correct name for the baby). Maybe it makes him feel like he's not in control. Is a lot of his identity tied to be "In charge/in control/Mr. Responsibility"? Any chance that he's worried about getting laid off at work? Maybe the name slip-up isn't "I'm thinking about this affair partner", but worry that "Person X may take my job/wants to re-org my department", and that is why they were on his mind.

Janeway, if you don't want to see your brother, you don't have to. Not even if your father, sister, and brother himself scream and insist you have to do it. It sounds like there may be two issues? The demands of caring for your dad and the demands of your horrible brother. If you didn't have to deal with your brother, would caring for dad be more tolerable? What would happen if you stopped listening to what your brother wants? What would happen if you just ignored him and did what you want? What's the worst case scenario?

Doesn't believe Celiac disease is a real thing...lol. Hoo boy!

Oh no, I would never criticize my host about it. Unfortunately, it's been my experience that many of our previous hosts have been very...rigid...about food and take it personally when I say "The bagels do look great, but no thank you!" We usually just bring something "safe" along with us that everyone can share and ignore my dad when he rolls his eyes and huffs about it, or "forgets". But for something like a Christmas lasagna, I'd just decline because I don't want to deal with a fight about food on Christmas.

If someone is diabetic or Celiac, a lasagna dinner would be tricky. I have people with both conditions in my house, so if we were invited for Christmas lasagna, I'd sadly send my regrets 😞 (I really like lasagna, too! 😞 )

This is very rude to do to your host.