My totally anecdotal evidence of the functioning of the average man is that he is far better, (and more comfortable with), expressing needs and wants than the average woman. Even when men ask rather firmly for what they want and need from other men, no one gets in a lather about it. They either say "Yes, I can help", or "No, I can't do that", or "I can do part of what you want, but we will have to figure out a compromise for the other parts", or maybe even a "Dude, don't bother me with that". Men (generally) react unemotionally to requests and having their request denied by other men. Women (often) take it all very personally. Like with the author's example of the heavy tub left out: it's not simply that he left the tub out and didn't put it up. She seems to feel that his forgetfulness or laziness is a thing that's being done TO her or AT her. If he doesn't put the tub away without her saying "Babe, can you put this tub away?", it's a statement about their relationship. If he really loved and respected her, he'd anticipate how annoyed she would be by that tub being out and put it away without a reminder, but he didn't, so it must be that he just takes her for granted and couldn't care less about how overwhelmed she is and that tub will just sit there FOREVER if she doesn't get out a chair and put it away. Meanwhile, he's thinking "Oh, cool. The tub was put away" and not "Score! I got her to do it!".

My ex was one of those guys that never helped, never noticed anything that needed doing, and expected me to handle all details of his life. He once called me at work to ask where his pants were. And no, he wasn't asking where a specific pair of pants were, not a pair that he'd looked everywhere for and could not find, and he was calling me as a last resort. He got mad when I responded with sarcasm, but I didn't know how else to respond to a 30-something year old man-baby that literally could not dress himself without help from me. I have dozens of ridiculous stories about him passively floating through life and not putting forth the barest minimum effort. It is a huge part of why I divorced him. The upside to all this is that he never bothered to fight me on any aspect of the divorce because he couldn't be bothered. He never even showed up in court or got his own lawyer. He figured my lawyer could represent him, too and I'd just pay that bill, (No, dude. No). I have a lot of empathy for women that feel overwhelmed, resentful, and angry about carrying too much of the family load, because holy cats, have I been there! And yet...this article just seemed like a lot of whining about unreasonable expectations. It's not unreasonable to want your yard to be clean. It IS unreasonable to expect your spouse to read your mind and clean the yard up on your time table without you ever speaking a word about it to him. Some parts of home life simply work better when *one* person is in charge, otherwise you end up with duplicated efforts, wasted time, and miscommunication. I don't want DH to randomly show up with groceries, because then we'll have too much of some things and not enough of others. I *do* want him to respond positively to me asking "Can you stop for milk on the way home?" on the days that I forgot. Women have to speak up! I'm not sure if the real problem is that women carry too much "mental load" or that women are conditioned to not speak up about their needs, so they end up with too much on their shoulders. It was hard for me to ask for help when my current husband and I first got married. My marriage improved dramatically after I started speaking up and saying what I needed and wanted. It's also important to ask your spouse for help in a respectful way. I don't understand why the author of the article felt burdened by needing to modulate her tone of voice to get her spouse to help. I'm not very interested in cleaning the yard for someone if they grump or whine at me about it. I'm more inclined to say yes if I am asked nicely. "The yard needs to be cleaned up. It needs XYZ done. Can you get that done? If so, when? If you cant get it done, I will need to hire someone to do it because I have too much ABC to do the next few weeks".

I know a little about dna testing, but not enough to make me an expert. Before you fret too much, please know that Family Tree DNA's ancestry estimates are VERY inaccurate. They put me at 91% British Isles and 9% Eastern Europe. This is wildly inaccurate for me! I am more like 60% German and 40% Irish, (5 of 8 gr grandparents were German, the other 3 were Irish). My Dad tested and he was put at 96% British Isles and 4% Scandinavian. Not even close! He is 50/50 Irish and German. Norway may be a non-reporting country, but Family Tree DNA would have likely tagged your dna as generally "Scandinavian". The FTDNA database should not be completely devoid of Norwegian samples; there are full-blooded Norwegians that live in other countries, and they have submitted their dna to the database for testing. My ancestors are from northern Germany and my dna is identified as "German" even though Germany is supposedly a non-reporting country. But, because my ancestors were from a small town near the North Sea, my dna is sometimes identified in other databases as Frisian or Danish. There's enough genetic overlap between those groups that some databases don't know exactly in which group to place me, so they pick something "close enough". "British" and "Western European" don't sound close enough, IMO. I'm not sure what you mean when you say your father's lineage could possibly only be on his Y chromosome. I'm no expert, but I don't think the dna works like that. You will inherit 50% of your father's dna, regardless of whether you get an X or Y chromosome. If your father is 100% of Norwegian heritage, you'd still get Norwegian genetic markers because that is all he has to give. If he is only part Norwegian, maybe it's possible that *only* the Norwegian genetic markers landed on the Y chromosome, and everything else landed on the X he gave you, but I don't think it exactly works that way. Some other possibilities include your father not being your bio dad, (which it sounds like is not likely) or a non-parental event further in the past, making your dad also not-Norwegian. But I'm putting my money on Family Tree DNA being inaccurate. If you want to get a better idea or confirmation of what your heritage is, you can upload your dna file to genesis.gedmatch.com and play around with the Oracle function there. It's much more accurate.

I love the character of Miss Lemon from the Inspector Poirot series, so there you go. 🍋

A $5 bill in a book I bought for a quarter.

I want to spend two weeks in London for my next milestone birthday. Me, DH, and DS. No big party, please. Just the three of us having fun.

Everything is terrible in February.

I would not send my child. I have a kid like this, (a young Sheldon, indeed), and he has grandparents that are... lacking, to say the least, (and that includes my own parents). I don't think you are mean, unfair, or wrong for objecting to this. She has made a weird request and her motive for it likely has little to do with getting to know your kiddo better. Maybe her ego needs stroking or maybe she doesn't really want to see him but wants it to look like she is trying to have a relationship, (and then you conveniently become the fall guy when you decline the request). Who knows? What I do know is your kiddo isn't a pizza she can order up because she is feeling a bit peckish. It really grinds my gears when grandparents treat the kids like commodities that can summoned and dismissed. That's not how you People! I mean seriously, she blocked you on FB, is cruddy to the kid, doesn't talk to her son, is weird about communication but wants your son for a week?! Absolutely not.

IMO, there are a LOT of people who have no business working with children because they have zero understanding of typical behavior and immediately jump to judge and assume the worst of a family. I avoid programs run by the park district, the Y, the school district, etc because every single time we have tried those programs, the person running them has insanely high standards of behavior for the kids. Invariably, my little question-asker gets yelled at and I get a lecture from the instructor on "appropriate behavior", which usually means "Tell your kid to stop asking questions and follow my directions immediately, without question" (I quite literally had a teacher tell me this). I've also had the 20-something year old park district instructor "diagnose" my kid with autism after she bullied him and made him cry. Her total experience working with children was "Well, I have a 4 year old brother, so I think I'm good with kids". She had grave and patronizing concerns about my kiddo because he couldn't effectively defend his opinion that he be first in line to enter the classroom and instead burst into tears. Good grief. So it doesn't surprise me at all that some busy-body at the Y called CPS. It's always the Mrs. Kravitz of the world who don't know what they are talking about but feel "empowered" because they took a 3 hour child-abuse-prevention course.

I'm confident you will get through this.

Who did you tell about the pull-ups? Did you mention it in passing to another mom in homeschool group? Did your 9 year old mention it to a relative on the phone? Did your husband tell a co-worker? Someone you know called this in. Not to add to your worry-load, but I'd be trying to figure out who called this in and going scorched earth on them. That person would be forever dead to me.

GAH, I keep forgetting about the giant smileys!

Yes, you can major in Violin. Or flute or clarinet or Percussion or... I was a flute major.

For those of you who’s parents were not involved in your applying to college I’m curious about how that worked. My parents were only partially interested. I don't think they really cared what I did as long as I moved out of the house, and preferably far away. They gave me the information for FAFSA and wrote the checks for the application fees. My mother, step-mother, and step-father had zero interest in my college acceptance beyond that. My father was kind of interested, but only superficially. Did you tour the colleges you were interested in? If so did you drive yourself? The same question for college interviews. Did you audition for your college program? If so how did you arrange that on your own? I applied to 3 colleges; two were local, private schools, and the other was a state school 500 miles away. I was semi-familiar with one of the local schools because my boyfriend and some of my friends attended that school. I did not tour the other local school. The long-distance school was a state school and my father booked plane tickets for us to fly up and visit. We received a tour and they interviewed me. I don't think an interview was an application requirement, however. It was a long time ago, and requirements have changed since then. I filled out the applications, the FAFSA, sent in letters of recommendation from my teachers, sent in my transcripts and test scores, and wrote some essays. I arranged all of that. I was a music student and auditioned for all 3 schools. The long-distance school had many applicants from my area, so they sent faculty to hear and record auditions. The other two auditions I got rides with my boyfriend. I set up all 3 auditions. I don't feel like I got anything out of touring the schools. Knowing where the buildings were on campus didn't really give me any information on whether I'd be happy there, whether I'd get a good education, or whether I'd get mentoring on finding a job. Maybe if I was applying to a school in a big urban area where I would depend on public transport a tour would have mattered, but these were all "closed campus" type schools where I'd be in a dorm and could walk where I needed to go. I received scholarships to all 3 schools. The scholarships to the local, private schools were enough to make tuition the same as the state school, which gave me a smaller scholarship. I was accepted to the music program at the private schools but not the far away, state school. Due to family pressure to move far away, I ended up at the state school because that is where family insisted I go, where I had to take remedial music classes and re-audition after a semester. I was finally accepted to the program then, but really hated the whole situation and changed majors a few times before dropping out to join the USAF. I think I would have been happier at a local school, but I also think that I would have been infinitely happier if I had an adult that took an active interest in me and my interests and supported me. I didn't really want to be a music teacher and wanted to be a paleontologist or archeologist instead, but family pressure dictated otherwise. When my son is ready to make college decisions, my intention is to help him figure out what HE wants and offer suggestions on how he can find a school that will meet his needs and fit our budget.

I'm pretty content with my life. There's a few petty or mundane things I'd change, (like I wish I could wave a magic wand and all my home reno ideas were completed), but I'm generally pretty content with the way life is.

Ack! How did that happen!? I can't seem to delete the giant emoji. Yikes, attention seeking much, Miss Lemon? lol

My mother is like this, as well. She's currently holding my great-grandmother's china, my baby photos, and my grandmother's jewelry hostage. Oh, and she threw away all the hand-crochet linens and lace that were made by FOUR generations of women in my family. Never offered them to me or anyone else. She periodically dangles the hope of great grandma's china in front of me and then later claims she never promised to give it to anyone and it's HERS and she'll do what she wants with it. She's convinced it's worth a small fortune and I'm afraid that she'll throw it out once she realizes old, fussy china has dropped in value. Just, ugh. Keep the jewelry, just let me have the photos and the china! But no...it's more fun to be spiteful about it.

We don't seem to get sick as often as my niece and nephew that go to daycare and school. But I've also met a lot of homeschoolers that roll their eyes over the suggestion they stay home with their sick children because mom is bored and/or thinks a cold is "no big deal". Seasonal illness does seem to rip through the homeschool groups, just maybe not as often as in school.

Dental pain is the worst, hands down. I'm so sorry! I hope you get relief quickly.

This is definitely the case with my 2nd step-mother. Her mother died when 2nd step-mother was 4 years old. At age 67, she was screaming at me into the phone about how she didn't need to listen to anything I was saying because her mother died when she was 4, therefore she was entitled to anything she wanted and blah blah blah... I thought "My god, this woman is permanently broken. She will never heal". It's just so sad, really. I feel so sad for the 4-year-old version of her that never got what she needed to heal from her mother dying. How absolutely awful to be stuck in this horror for over 60 years and have no idea how to break free and feel safe in the world, so you lash out first before someone becomes strong enough to lash out at you. Part of me feels so badly for her, but part of me also hates her because she knows what it is like to lose someone so important to you, she knows what that feels like and she chose to take that feeling, weaponize it, and threaten to "make it like he (my child) never even existed". She's angry that other people got the love she never received and feels she's justified and entitled to say anything she wants or make other people feel frightened and hurt, because hey, what makes YOU so special that you shouldn't have to deal with those feelings? She felt them, so you should have to feel them, too! After that ugly, ugly scene my father blew the whole thing off and said "Well, she can't help it" and cried and yelled about how all of this was so hard for him, and now Christmas would be ruined and won't I please just talk with her on the phone so he can have a nice Christmas? Then a few extended family members huffed and sighed about how *she didn't really mean it* and *stop making a big deal out of nothing* and *it's not like she was going to actually hurt your child* and how *not everything is all about YOU, MissLemon. Stop taking things so personally and think of others for once*. That's where gaslighting starts, with the "It's no big deal! Stop being so sensitive!" type talk, which I finally shut down by responding "Then I guess we won't talk anymore because this is how I am! I am *sensitive* when people threaten me and my kid, so if you can't deal with it and insist that I need to be ok with being threatened so you can have a nice life? Then we simply won't talk. Ever. Again." After this horrible experience with dad's wife, I just knew that I *had* to do better than this. I cannot allow this terrible pattern to continue in me and again in my son. How in the world could I ever look him in the eye if I didn't try to do better? I have to learn how to be a whole person with healthy boundaries. He is entitled to a mother like that. I've seen first hand what happens to people that don't get that type of mother, and that's why I absolutely have to do better. Don't' quote any of that, please. I may delete it later (I'm still working on that boundary of 'oversharing vs appropriate level of sharing', and I'm not sure if I've crossed into oversharing territory).

It's the cycle of abuse, like with physical abuse. You grow up in a setting where abusive action is the norm, so it gets perpetuated in further generations. I don't think many abusive people consciously choose to hurt others, but the behavior has been taught as a valid way of relating to others and getting their needs met. So it continues on and on. Sometimes there is a break in the chain of abuse, where the abused starts questioning what's going on. Maybe they have friends with "normal" families and they start to wonder why their family is different. From what I can tell, the emotional abuse goes back at least 2 generations in my mom's family and 3 generations in my dad's family. I can trace through the family tree who was the scapegoat and who was the golden child in each family branch for a few generations. I have no idea what originally started this, but have some theories in my dad's family (parental abandonment by the great-grandparents due to death of one great-grandparent and mental illness causing divorce with the other set of great-grandparents). With my mom's family, the bizarre behavior goes back MUCH further. I have been in contact with a distant cousin in Germany who describes similar antics in the relatives that stayed in Germany compared to the relatives that came to the US. It's remarkable how similar they acted and makes me wonder if there is some sort of genetic predisposition in my family to all this "Me me me! It's all about me!" nonsense.

My dad definitely leans into "covert" territory. He is definitely not malignant. While he has had some "overt" moments that leave you saying "What did he just say? What just happened here?", he is mostly covert. Unless you are hypervigilant, you don't realize until half-way through that he's just blasted past a boundary you never thought you had to articulate. Sometimes it's not until days or weeks later that you realize you've been had.

It doesn't sound to me like you want to go, Scarlett, so I say don't go. Send your regrets and a nice card that says you wish them well as they start married life. Offer support and love without being a cheerleader. We can offer love and support without approving of, (or even commenting on), someone's foolish choices.

They probably have not had it. What I have noticed with the anti-vaxxers in my homeschool group is that the parents have generally enjoyed very good health and have never met anyone that has been ill. They do not ever consider that their very good health might be due in part to vaccines they received as children or the fact that they live in middle-class Western homes with good nutrition, sanitation, and generally good public health departments. They've never lived in places with epidemics. Most of the illness they've experienced falls under the heading of "minor inconvenience". Since they've never experienced or observed anything worse than a minor inconvenience, they don't understand why whooping cough or polio is a BIG DEAL and not something you can power through with some garlic or coconut oil.

Thank you! I enjoy your posts very much, too!