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DH going through breakdown. Support only, please.


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#751 Cafelattee

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 05:54 PM

Op I don't post that often anymore since my kids are grown.   I've read the thread and your updates trying to decide if I should contribute.  My dh has mental issues.  We have had some really god awful years.   ONLY someone that has lived day to day with someone with mental instability can understand.  

 

I don't want to give advise cause I dont' know what you can handle or your dh's extremes.  YOU are the only one that can decide.

 

I will tell you as someone that stayed married.  We celebrate 27 years this summer.   I can say with all honestly the last 5 are the only completely nonstress good years for me.   There were so many bad/hard  years.  I had so many times making my exit plan but then he would change thing would be good.  Its was a roller coaster way to live.  

 

I protected the kids and gave them stability even when dh was having outburst.   

 

The thing I couldn't change was they learned how to tip-toe around him.  We all changed our behavior to keep him in control.

 

Since he has been stable  the past 5 eyars.  He is a totally different person now but I honestly have a lifetime of resentment  cause I feel like my happy was stolen kwim   

 

My guys are adults now and we discuss a lot of stuff.  Then thing that they both say is they are glad we stayed.  They love there dad and without us they know his life could of been so different. 

 

So just letting you know as someone that lived it.  I pretty much felt like I lived thorugh years of emotional abuse.  I don't know if that was really the best decision for my kids.  I'm a Christian so I felt like God wanted me stay.  When thing were tough he always gave me peace.

 

I also forgot to mention my dh went through the hyper sex stuff  around age 30.   It was before texting and internet so his stuff was going to strip club.  He also did the prostitute thing.   He paid for oral but he said somewhere in his mind he couldn't' do the whole thing.  He knew he was off but couldn't help himself.  This was not him. He was never a sleep around kind of guy.  THe behavior was irrational to him.   I'm glad some part of his sick mind kept him from the whole thing. It was rough for me.  I know at that time if I would of had any support I would of left.  I had a little baby, sick husband and made like 7 dollars an hour  He has had other episodes but with the internet the porn got him through it .   He has now been stable enough no porn or anything for about 8 years. 

 

Its hard sharing our history but I felt like you need to know someone has walked in you shoes.  I know whatever you decide is hard staying or going.  God loves you.  

 

 

 

 

  

 

 


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#752 maize

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:06 PM

Caffelattee, thank you for sharing. That takes courage in a culture that still has intense stigma attached to mental health issues, but I don't think we will ever overcome the stigma if more of us do not begin to speak out openly and share our experiences.

I'm so glad to hear that your husband has reached a point of stability.
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#753 Spudater

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 08:12 PM

((Moonhawk))

#754 BlessedMom

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 10:27 PM

So sorry you have all been sick.
Continuing to pray for you and your family.
Praying for healing as well as strength and clarity.
Please let the Lord carry you during this time of total exhaustion,
He loves you more than you can imagine!

#755 mominco

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 11:00 PM

:grouphug:



#756 BlessedMom

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Posted 14 June 2017 - 10:52 PM

Thinking of you and continuing to pray for you and your family!

#757 Arctic Mama

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Posted 14 June 2017 - 11:11 PM

How are you holding up? Everyone feeling better?
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#758 Moonhawk

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 10:09 AM

Everyone is better. DH took one more bad turn since my last post, but the third round of antibiotics seems to have done the trick. Kids are all recovered and back to normal.

 
DH has continued to stabilize to more normal.  More “present” when he’s here. He’s said he misses the kids and feels like he never sees them — finally noticed the separation I was doing for 2 months — and so I’ve been reintegrating family time, etc. It’s been going well. He even asked me what he could do to help one evening that I was pulled in too many directions, and then helped happily. That wouldn’t have happened a few weeks ago, he simply would have left the house saying its too chaotic and he’s not meant to be a dad. No compulsion for suicide or self harm for 2 weeks, and he is fully on board with the idea of medication to try and help his depressed feelings, not a begrudging or you-are-forcing-me attitude. He may think he’s just depressed, though, and sees no other signs of mental instability.
 
No texting or talking about wanting new relationships for about 3 weeks now. He hasn’t mentioned his anti-marriage stance or thoughts recently, idk if he views this as still “the truth”, if he is back to pro-marriage, or if he’s just forgotten it altogether. Frankly I’m afraid to ask because I don’t want to reopen the can of worms right now, I’m not sure I can handle a negative response yet, or what my own response would be. All I know is he’s being affectionate, says the L word, and is back to future planning that includes me and kids and our long term goals. No wedding ring, though, and no apology or bringing up anything that touches on this part of the past 3 months. 
 
Despite the good news, there are still areas of concern. He says he feels depressed even when he can see everything is how he wants it. He doesn’t have full control over emotional outbursts and gets worked up quickly (again no physical violence, just 0 to 60 for irritation in 3 seconds flat). 
 
He doesn’t seem to see the severity of what has happened, either. We were talking and he said something about the business being a rollercoaster recently, I replied “Yeah, it’s been a stressful few months.” He responded, “You’ve been stressed, too? Really, why?” I tried to keep my jaw from dropping and just replied with a vague, “Everything that’s been going on, you know, with…everything.” (this wasn’t a time or place we could get into it) He paused for a moment and then said, “Huh. I didn’t mean to worry you or anything. I’m feeling less depressed, I think the worst is over."
 
On meds: He called his caseworker twice requesting to be set up with a psychiatrist to start medication. No reply. So yesterday he decided to go to a hospital to be evaluated and hopefully get a prescription or something. But, now his symptoms are not severe enough to get admitted (even I don’t think there is enough anomalous behavior to warrant it, even though I really really wish they would), so he was discharged after a quick assessment. He emailed his caseworker again after this, hopefully something is set up before either he recovers enough he decides he doesn’t need meds, or he goes back downhill and changes his mind again. 
 
So, that’s where I stand. I’m trying to focus on the positive progress. I know 3 weeks ago I was saying I just wanted the texting to stop, then I could handle everything better. Well, I get my wish, and here I am clamoring for more, ha. Now I want to know “what his intentions are” and if we are starting the recovery process or if his thoughts are still wanting other relationships, etc, and he’s just not acting on them. But I have to focus on the positive and get us both to a better spot, I think, before we can really address this part and try to heal. I’m concerned that, if he really is past it, that he thinks everything is just going back to normal and we don’t need to do anything extra to patch it up. Because he really doesn’t seem to see what’s happened. Maybe he has amnesia? If I were in his shoes I’d certainly consider acting that way to avoid consequences and embarrassment, but I really can’t say any of his behavior points towards acting or avoidance; it’s simply like it didn’t happen. I can’t let this just fade away, but I don’t want to undo any progress made until I’m sure he’s stable and on meds. 
 
So, my mind is boggled and I’m still constantly on alert for signs, but I’m thinking the hurricane is over and now I just have a huge mess to clean up. I’d edit this for succinctness, but the house is waking up so I’m sorry for the length or repitition.

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#759 happi duck

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 10:18 AM

(hugs)

#760 Mimm

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 10:25 AM

As always I'm impressed with your patience and your ability to love your husband through all this. And as always, I'm appalled at how difficult it is to get mental health care. I've been through that (and am still going through it) with my daughter.

 

:grouphug:  Still praying for you.

 


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#761 maize

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 11:26 AM

You really need to go with him when he does see a psychiatrist. I would also make sure the doctor has a written account from you of his bipolar behavior and history.

If your Dh perceives the problem as depression and presents that way the real problem will not be addressed. He will likely be prescribed antidepressants, which on their own can exacerbate bipolar symptoms.

I do not think the professionals are going to get an accurate account of symptoms from your husband; your input here is absolutely critical.

I am glad the immediate crisis is subsiding.

Edited by maize, 15 June 2017 - 11:26 AM.

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#762 maize

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 11:32 AM

Memory impairment is a symptom of bipolar disorder; I think it is likely that your husband does not in fact remember a lot of what happened during his recent manic phase--it was never encoded into long term memory.
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#763 BlessedMom

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 11:35 AM

((((((((Hugs))))))))
Thank you for the update.
Praying for you & your family!

#764 Seasider

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 11:40 AM

Do you have an IRL counselor for YOURSELF? It seems like you could really use someone there on the ground with you tonhelpnyou sort through this. You are taking a great deal of responsibility for the current circumstances onto your own shoulders. Seems it would be good to have the advice and assistance of a personal professional, apart from whoever is working with your husband.
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#765 Cafelattee

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 01:17 PM

 

Everyone is better. DH took one more bad turn since my last post, but the third round of antibiotics seems to have done the trick. Kids are all recovered and back to normal.

 
DH has continued to stabilize to more normal.  More “present” when he’s here. He’s said he misses the kids and feels like he never sees them — finally noticed the separation I was doing for 2 months — and so I’ve been reintegrating family time, etc. It’s been going well. He even asked me what he could do to help one evening that I was pulled in too many directions, and then helped happily. That wouldn’t have happened a few weeks ago, he simply would have left the house saying its too chaotic and he’s not meant to be a dad. No compulsion for suicide or self harm for 2 weeks, and he is fully on board with the idea of medication to try and help his depressed feelings, not a begrudging or you-are-forcing-me attitude. He may think he’s just depressed, though, and sees no other signs of mental instability.
 
No texting or talking about wanting new relationships for about 3 weeks now. He hasn’t mentioned his anti-marriage stance or thoughts recently, idk if he views this as still “the truth”, if he is back to pro-marriage, or if he’s just forgotten it altogether. Frankly I’m afraid to ask because I don’t want to reopen the can of worms right now, I’m not sure I can handle a negative response yet, or what my own response would be. All I know is he’s being affectionate, says the L word, and is back to future planning that includes me and kids and our long term goals. No wedding ring, though, and no apology or bringing up anything that touches on this part of the past 3 months. 
 
Despite the good news, there are still areas of concern. He says he feels depressed even when he can see everything is how he wants it. He doesn’t have full control over emotional outbursts and gets worked up quickly (again no physical violence, just 0 to 60 for irritation in 3 seconds flat). 
 
He doesn’t seem to see the severity of what has happened, either. We were talking and he said something about the business being a rollercoaster recently, I replied “Yeah, it’s been a stressful few months.” He responded, “You’ve been stressed, too? Really, why?” I tried to keep my jaw from dropping and just replied with a vague, “Everything that’s been going on, you know, with…everything.” (this wasn’t a time or place we could get into it) He paused for a moment and then said, “Huh. I didn’t mean to worry you or anything. I’m feeling less depressed, I think the worst is over."
 
On meds: He called his caseworker twice requesting to be set up with a psychiatrist to start medication. No reply. So yesterday he decided to go to a hospital to be evaluated and hopefully get a prescription or something. But, now his symptoms are not severe enough to get admitted (even I don’t think there is enough anomalous behavior to warrant it, even though I really really wish they would), so he was discharged after a quick assessment. He emailed his caseworker again after this, hopefully something is set up before either he recovers enough he decides he doesn’t need meds, or he goes back downhill and changes his mind again. 
 
So, that’s where I stand. I’m trying to focus on the positive progress. I know 3 weeks ago I was saying I just wanted the texting to stop, then I could handle everything better. Well, I get my wish, and here I am clamoring for more, ha. Now I want to know “what his intentions are” and if we are starting the recovery process or if his thoughts are still wanting other relationships, etc, and he’s just not acting on them. But I have to focus on the positive and get us both to a better spot, I think, before we can really address this part and try to heal. I’m concerned that, if he really is past it, that he thinks everything is just going back to normal and we don’t need to do anything extra to patch it up. Because he really doesn’t seem to see what’s happened. Maybe he has amnesia? If I were in his shoes I’d certainly consider acting that way to avoid consequences and embarrassment, but I really can’t say any of his behavior points towards acting or avoidance; it’s simply like it didn’t happen. I can’t let this just fade away, but I don’t want to undo any progress made until I’m sure he’s stable and on meds. 
 
So, my mind is boggled and I’m still constantly on alert for signs, but I’m thinking the hurricane is over and now I just have a huge mess to clean up. I’d edit this for succinctness, but the house is waking up so I’m sorry for the length or repitition.

 

 

gosh this sounds like my life.  I learned for our stability that I take all stressors as possible away.  I handled, money kids any major life up sets.  When my dad died this past winter I didn't even have him come to the hospital .  He wouldn't of been help. He would of just been someone else to handle.  I've had to be strong and it's lonely..  I basically protected him emotionally from as much stress as I could.  He doesn't have appropriate responses to emotions..  He get overly angry at stuff that doesn't really need the level of his emotions or the opposite withdrawn.

 

I also would also just be afraid to bring up anything cause you didn't know if he would "handle it like a proper adults or go off.  My dh has never been physical violent just those big giant emotional roller coaster.    What I learned is you can bring up the stuff they did wrong but they conveniently don't' remember.    Then months later we would have another issues then he would apologize for the previous one LOL.  I just stop caring.  I decided to enjoy the happy stable man and when he was off just mentally became a "caregiver" and just ignored the crap.    

 

I so understand what you are experience.  Take some time for yourself if possible.   I found finding someone to watch the kids a few hours each Sunday afternoon was a life safer.  I would just go sit a books store or park and just let my mind and emotional rest.

 

You and your family still on my mind.  


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#766 Patty Joanna

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 01:28 PM

May I suggest that you go to the doctor with him and because there are not enough "signs" at the moment, you take your notes with you so the doctor can read them?  If you have to, copy/paste into a document your posts here, if you didn't have time to take contemporaneous notes, and put them into a document (you don't have to tell that you put them on a discussion board!).  

 

Things are OK now, and please God, may they stay so.  But if it is a roller coaster...  It's sort of like being wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove.  Hope for the best, but be watchful and wise.  You're not going for the Pollyanna Prize; you want a successful and healthy husband, marriage and family--which includes you.


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#767 zoobie

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 02:23 PM

I'm horrified by the road blocks to receiving mental health care and the hoops you're having to jump through. I hope your DH is able to get treatment ASAP. You're a rockstar. :grouphug:


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#768 NorthwestMom

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 02:56 PM

Memory impairment is a symptom of bipolar disorder; I think it is likely that your husband does not in fact remember a lot of what happened during his recent manic phase--it was never encoded into long term memory.

 

This is so true that I want to re-post it to emphasize it. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:


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#769 Cafelattee

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 03:37 PM

Memory impairment is a symptom of bipolar disorder; I think it is likely that your husband does not in fact remember a lot of what happened during his recent manic phase--it was never encoded into long term memory.

 

 

Yeah my dh has big memory gaps of events if they are major episodes.  He does remember some of the milder but wants us to ignore it.  THen other times he will apologies and have some recognition of his behavior.    He will also say i'm exaggerating his behavior.    I figure out for us  years ago was to record events for playback.  It was eye opening for him and the therapist .  THe only way I got him therapy was recording on my old "huge VHS" recorder" his behavior /speech.   He refused help.  We had a intervention so to speak.  I dont' know how things are handle now days.  I was dealing with this 25 years ago.  


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#770 Melissa in Australia

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 04:35 PM

Hugs

#771 texasmom33

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 04:43 PM

:grouphug:



#772 maize

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 05:37 PM

Yeah my dh has big memory gaps of events if they are major episodes. He does remember some of the milder but wants us to ignore it. THen other times he will apologies and have some recognition of his behavior. He will also say i'm exaggerating his behavior. I figure out for us years ago was to record events for playback. It was eye opening for him and the therapist . THe only way I got him therapy was recording on my old "huge VHS" recorder" his behavior /speech. He refused help. We had a intervention so to speak. I dont' know how things are handle now days. I was dealing with this 25 years ago.


I have recorded stuff as well; haven't had to use it yet but when I'm the only witness to profound irrationality and personality changes I figure it is best to have proof.
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#773 Spudater

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 05:55 PM

Still praying for you Moonhawk, hugs.

#774 joyofsix

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Posted 18 June 2017 - 08:14 AM

Prayers for you. It is so hard to get help. Our mental health system is btoken. I hear your frustration. Again, prayers.

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#775 BlessedMom

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Posted 20 June 2017 - 09:12 PM

You are on my heart today!
(((((((Hugs & Prayers)))))))

Edited by BlessedMom, 20 June 2017 - 09:12 PM.


#776 Harriet Vane

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Posted 20 June 2017 - 11:08 PM

:grouphug:



#777 Moonhawk

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 03:33 PM

So, a peetering out update, for those of you who have reached out, thank you, and those who have been following and supporting, thank you. I have been talking to IRL people but I've found the support here in some ways more helpful. 

 

Wedding ring reappeared a couple days before Father's Day. 

 

He has been pretty upbeat about everything, affectionate, nice, etc, for about 95% of the time. But, still hyper-effected by negative anything. We had a brief discussion where he did apologize "for everything" and said he wished he had never done any of it. Seems to have a memory of what happened generally but none of the emotional memories. You know that book you were required to read in high school but kind of rushed and didn't particularly like? That's his level of memory and emotional involvement.

 

He says he hasn't had any inclination to act out except for after one conversation where I started to describe - very generally, no detail or belaboring - why I wasn't exactly happy with him going to the class where he sees the other person. He was surprised, shocked, "how would that be an issue?" Then kind of got upset and said he didn't want to think about it or talk about it anymore, he didn't want those thoughts entering his brain again. After that he's been a bit more sedate, and I hope it didn't do too much damage to his stability. 

 

So, I'm not going to push anything and just enjoy this level of recovery/normalcy until he is on medication and more removed from volatility. I don't think his caseworker has returned his calls yet re: psychiatrist, though, and so I have been pushing a bit on this. I also called the caseworker, but idk if he did get back to DH and I just don't know about it.

 

For myself, my appt for a caseworker is early (edit) July, then they will set me up with a counselor :\ So a while to go still for that. Continuing to see priest and Stephen Minister.

 

It's been good, though, I have been able to start to rebalance every day life. A lot of stuff has piled up these past few months that I now have to deal with. But one thing at a time, it's actually a relief to have "run of the mill" problems. Who'd've thought I'd be happy to need to deal with mice in the attic, lol. 


Edited by Moonhawk, 23 June 2017 - 03:38 PM.

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#778 mysticmomma

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 03:38 PM

Glad to see an update. Still praying.
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#779 Arctic Mama

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 05:09 PM

That's a very positive update overall! I'm disappointed in the level of care he is receiving though. Praying about that and your own mental wellbeing too!

Thank you for keeping us in the loop so we can pray for your family :grouphugs:
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#780 Spudater

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 05:13 PM

Glad to hear it! Continuing prayers that you both can get the help you need. God bless you!

#781 displace

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 05:29 PM

Praying for you to have strength. I really hope he gets on successful meds soon.

#782 AnnE-girl

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 05:34 PM

Continuing to pray for you and your family. I hope he is able to receive more of the care he needs soon.

#783 joyofsix

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 05:44 PM

Continuing payer. Remember just because he is "back to normal " doesn't mean you gave to feel that way.

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#784 Seasider

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 05:45 PM

Thanks for update. I'm glad you are having a near-normal stretch. I will pray you have a real chance to catch your breath. I also hope that you will be able to formulate a plan of action in case there is a next time, so you don't have to endure such a rough experience.
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#785 BlessedMom

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 07:08 PM

Thank you for the update.

My thoughts and prayers are still with you and your family. 

 

 



#786 maize

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 07:29 PM

I'm glad you are getting a breather, and hope he gets medication soon.

Please keep taking care of yourself; this is a marathon you are running.
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#787 gardenmom5

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 09:10 PM

hugs.



#788 Melissa in Australia

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 03:56 AM

Hugs

#789 Catwoman

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 04:02 AM

Still praying for you and your family! :grouphug:

#790 joyofsix

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Posted 25 June 2017 - 09:08 PM

Just thinking of you today.

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