BMW Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 When my teens enter that debate stage and argue with me over things... and they continue on and on... I give in most of the time... I just don't know what to do. It's not like, "I'm the mom and I say so" works with teens. They want to discuss and negotiate and I feel frustrated and give them what they want... a lot of the time. I just don't know what to do. Example: 14yod wants to ride bike to the gym (2 miles straight down the road). I say she has to be back by 8pm (when it is starting to get dark). She says that the exercise class that she likes lasts until 8:30, can she walk to the gym and get a ride home (I know the family giving the ride home). I say okay, call me when you get there, so I know you are there. Then at 9:30pm, I am in my car, driving to the gym to find her... and I'm angry that she hasn't got home. My rule is you are in your room at 9pm, lights off at 10pm. She says her ride wasn't leaving until 9;30-9:45... I put her on 2 weeks restriction for not getting home on time. She says that we never said what time... but she knows my bedtime routine rules for the whole house... It took everything in me to not let her go to the gym a few days later when she really wanted to... pleeease.... and after 4-5 days, she was back to her full activities and I didn't enforce the restriction. Shame on me... I know. But, this evening... my 16yob and his very good friend are in the back part of the house, playing video games... even though we've been sick, the parents let the boy come over because the whole time my son has been contagious, he and this boy have been together doing all kinds of activities anyway... I tell my 14yog that she cannot be back with them... she gets upset because she doesn't want to hang out with the "young kids" and "there's nothing to do". She doesn't see why she can't hang out with them because they say that they don't mind. I find it a bit inappropriate because she's a girl and they are boys... but they are all friends... and I can walk in any time... they are not "interested" in each other... but I was that age once... Also, this 14yog the Dr. thinks has mono and we're still waiting for the blood test result. My 16yob has been totally exposed to it, too, and he's been with his friend all along... They would have to share dishes/toothbrushes/kiss to spread it... And I am frustrated because I don't know if I am overreacting or not... I have this big problem with parenting! I have been a great mom to babies, toddlers, children up to age 13... then they start negotiating and arguing and wanting their way and I lose all skill and know-how... So, who has a kick in the butt for me? Who will say, "You are over reacting, they're just fine"? Who will say, "No way... they shouldn't be back there mixed boys and girls"? Who sill say, "Send that boy home! Shame on you!"?? I need a teen parent course.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sputterduck Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 But it's not your daughter's fault that the family didn't leave on time. What could she have done? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 I think it's really strange that you would have an issue with your daughter being with her brother and his friend. How on earth is that inappropriate? Ria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peri Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 I just hate it when my dd does that and she is only 11. It just makes me mad. I say something and she will look for every possible argument to get me to change my mind. I let her have three arguments and after that i say: Take it any further and it won't happen at all. That whole arguing thing is just such an energy zapper to me. As for not making it home on time ... we are not in the stone age ... phones do exist. She could have called which would have been the responsible thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 (edited) k Edited May 2, 2009 by secular_mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peri Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 :iagree: Does your dd have a cell phone? It seems like the incident with the gym was a learning experience for both of you. I'd have a hard time punishing my kids for a lack of planning and clear communication on my part. I dunno. I think at 14 a kid has enough sense to call their parents so that they don't worry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 LOL, I know. I was editing my post to add more, but MY kids are being freakin' obnoxious arses right now and I can't think. Maybe I'll come back to this later, but by then others will probably have covered what I would have said anyway. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 and they continue on and on... I give in most of the time... They want to discuss and negotiate and I feel frustrated and give them what they want... a lot of the time. and after 4-5 days, she was back to her full activities and I didn't enforce the restriction. I recommend getting a firm grip on consistency...pronto! You don't have to offer, "Because I said so!" They're certainly too old for that. Frequent discussions about what is best for the teens, as well as the rest of the family, and sticking to the agreed upon rules is incredibly important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 The only comment I have to offer is that they can only argue with you if you engage in it. If you refuse to engage, then there's no debate. This has been something that I've been learning and implementing in my home, and it is a skill, lol! At least for me ;) That said, some things *are* negotiable. Here, anyways. That's when I do open up a discussion with my kiddo about whatever. Heck, I'd even go so far as to say at this age, a lot of things are negotiable, but Diva is only 10, and her world isn't that large yet :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 The issue with her not getting home on time was that she did not call... we have the bedtime rules for good reason... dh gets up at 4am and I cannot sleep with kids out and coming in later than 9pm... so it's out of consideration for the man making the living and the mom who cannot rest if her kids are out and about... (different rules for those over 18yrs and on weekends) She actually didn't push my buttons too much on that issue... but I didn't follow through with my consequence, either. So, I suppose I should have slept first and given a consequence later... and maybe just had a 2 day restriction to just get her attention to follow the rules... As far as inappropriate... I guess it's just that I was raised old fashioned. Boys and girls did not go into each others bedrooms! Maybe times have changed that... It just feels wierd to me... but I ask so I can have feedback... maybe it's no big deal... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 Crissy, thanks! You picked up on what I am having a hard time with... me! I just don't have confidence about what is "best" for teens... I had strict parents and never argued and almost always just obeyed... because! My children are NOT like me! I wish there were a manual for this... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 I don't think it's a problem that you allow debate and I don't think it's a problem that you put your foot down at times. I think the real issue is that YOU don't know how you feel about things. You have to be sure where you stand before you refuse to budge on something or allow negotiation. Maybe try to think things through to their logical conclusion before agreeing or engaging? Try stepping back and saying, "Let me think about that for a few minutes," before automatically agreeing with a negotiation. Then proactively address the possible snags (exactly when are these people planning to leave? would have been my first question) before agreeing. FWIW, I don't think there's an issue with your teens hanging out together. Your daughter isn't in the neighbor boy's bedroom...she's in her brother's room, right? I don't see the problem, but you have to decide how YOU feel about it. Then put your foot down and stick with it if you must. But no more wishy washy! :D Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elw_miller Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 The issue with her not getting home on time was that she did not call. As far as inappropriate... I guess it's just that I was raised old fashioned. Boys and girls did not go into each others bedrooms! Maybe times have changed that... It just feels wierd to me... but I ask so I can have feedback... maybe it's no big deal... I agree with you--it was the not calling that was the problem While I have not dealt with this as a parent yet, as a teen I knew that if I wanted to or was in a situation where I was going to miss curfew I had to call. It is common courtesy so those who love you don't worry. When I would call I almost always got the extra time. The few times when I didn't my mom had a good reason--like we were going somewhere early the next day or I hadt important homework due the next day. I also always called because I didn't want to lose her trust in me or to be disappointed in me for behaving irresponsibly. As for the not going into opposite sex sibling bedrooms, our family rule was to respect closed doors and knock before entering; if we were playing in any room the door had to stay open. We didn't have any other place to play so we played in one another's rooms; we never gave the opposite sex thing any thought. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyAberlin Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 I just wanted to tell you that I recently had mono and it wasn't from kissing anyone or drinking after anyone. I'm on a restricted diet and I don't even eat anything anyone cooks and so it totally beats me how I could have picked it up. So it doesn't necessarily mean that they have been kissing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peri Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 The issue with her not getting home on time was that she did not call... we have the bedtime rules for good reason... dh gets up at 4am and I cannot sleep with kids out and coming in later than 9pm... so it's out of consideration for the man making the living and the mom who cannot rest if her kids are out and about... (different rules for those over 18yrs and on weekends) She actually didn't push my buttons too much on that issue... but I didn't follow through with my consequence, either. So, I suppose I should have slept first and given a consequence later... and maybe just had a 2 day restriction to just get her attention to follow the rules... As far as inappropriate... I guess it's just that I was raised old fashioned. Boys and girls did not go into each others bedrooms! Maybe times have changed that... It just feels wierd to me... but I ask so I can have feedback... maybe it's no big deal... Call me old fashion but I agree with you. I would not be comfortable with this either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 My two cents: I think your daughter and the work out club is a classic case of push, push, pushing on her part. I'd be curious whether the family really said that they wanted to stay until 9:30 or 9:45. And whether she a) knew this beforehand and b) didn't tell them that she needed to be home at a certain time. I'd ask the other family. I think you're normal for feeling exhausted by all of this. Now I'm scared! Alicia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 when you have a clear win. Your daughter talked you into trying something different with the YMCA visit. It didn't work out. Okay, it was a bit of an inconvenience for you and your DH, but in the end, you win. Next time she wants to stay at the Y past 8:00, you can simply tell her, "Sorry, but remember last time? It didn't work. The rule is now a non-negotiable 8:00 and you will have to just miss that class." It's probably a mistake to exercise hard up until 8:30 if you have to be in bed at 9:00 anyway. In my book, you won. You gave her rope, she proved she didn't handle it well, you can now confidently pull it back in! Yeah Mom. You were cool enough to let her try it, and you can remind her of that:) As for the boys and girls together, I think you have to do what you are comfortable with. I would wouldn't let the kid in my house in the first place if I thought he was contagious, but that's your choice. I only have sons so I may not be seeing this clearly, but we wouldn't have girls in my sons rooms. That rule would be different for a sister though. I think if I had a daughter, I would allow her in her brother's room as long as he didn't mind. I might not allow it late at night .... I'm not sure. But I think family members are just different than friends of the opposite sex. It would be very hard for me to explain to my children why they weren't allowed in a brother's room or a sister's room. Even the presence of another friend wouldn't really change that unless there were something really fishy about the situation or unless I didn't trust the kids for some reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 With teh gym visit...I am careful that I don't impose punishments/consequences that are too far in the future, or that hurt me. It would hurt me if my child was stuck home for 2 weeks when they wanted to go get some exercise or whatever- the issue is not too major and the consequence is too distant from the misdemeanor, because within a few days the issue is long gone and forgotten. A closer, more appropriate consequence would be to ban it for a couple of days, or tell her she wont be able to go later if she cant have the decency to phone you. I have teenagers and I think its all about them learning they are not the centre of the universe, but they truly think they are and need to be trained. But its not mean or malicious, it's just thoughtless. As for girls in brothers' bedrooms with friends, I think its a great way for them to demystify the opposite sex and socialise while being under the watchful eye of a parent. Too much restriction makes it too big of a deal. Keep the door open, no big deal. I wouldn't worry about the illnesses myself, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Well I don't have teenagers of my own but I taught teenagers for 11 years and I had 3 teenage foster children so here is my take.... 1. As one poster mentioned, they can't argue and wear you out if you don't engage. Arguing happens a lot in the high school classroom: me- Susie, turn around and stop talking to Johnny susie- i wasn't talking me- yes you were, now turn around and get back to work susie- but he talked to me first and on and on and on........ So I do not argue. I state my position and when they back talk I simply stare at them (they can't argue if there is nothing to argue with) until they comply. It works every time. 2. You should give the expectation and the consequence for not complying in advance so they know the score. Susie, you may stay until the class is finished at 8:30pm but you are to be home by 9pm. If you are late then you will no longer be able to stay out past 8pm. She needs to know in advance so she cannot say she didn't know, ya know? :D 3. Don't give punishments that you can't/won't back up. Two weeks is a long time to be grounded...for YOU. ;) When you give in, they win and all she learned is that if she pesters you enough you'll cave. 4. I'm on the conservative side. I would move the videogames to a common area like family room, playroom, basement, etc. and avoid the bedroom thing all together. It's fine when they are little but when kids are teenagers, bedrooms need to be separate and private, IMHO. Raising teenagers is like being on the frontlines of combat. Only engage in battles with them when it is absolutely necessary and when you do engage you have to win the battle or you WILL lose the war. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Wisc Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 (edited) "Are you arguing with me or are you politely requesting me to reconsider based upon data that I may not have had when I made the decision?" "Set forth your case and I will reconsider...but I will not argue." Teach them new phrases: "Mom, would you reconsider this?" "Mom, did you know that....." Another thing--put together in your mind what you think would be right and then tell them what you are thinking. Let them discuss the options with you BEFORE you give the final decision. In fact, ask them what the options would be and work it through with them, giving your side to the situation and listening to theirs. (Have they discussed what is right/wrong with the situations of being home late or playing with the boys?)There will be much less frustration if both of you know the whole situation. As they mature they are going to have to learn how to make decisions, and walking through the options and the reasons you both have will help you today and help them in the future when they have to make decisions on their own. Whenever the kids are leaving the house I follow them out the door. I have a list of questions for them. This could include things like: What time will you be home? Who is driving? How are you going to let me know if plans change or if you are going to be late? Then I watch them leave and this is when I pray for them--their safety and friendships and, well, you know... Lots of times with teens you do not have to be strong. Pushing them to do what you want them to do simply quits working at some magic age as they grow up. This is the time that you have to let them know that you are listening to them...but that you do still have the final say. Finding a compromise can often keep relations strong between you and your kids--and be certain that the issue you fight tooth 'n nail really is "the hill you are willing to die on." Remember, this is the rhetoric stage...make them give you strong reasons for their actions and decisions and make sure they are doing a good job of it. As you weigh their arguments, let them know when they are weak and when you can see their side well. Require a GOOD logic-based argument and not a wine and dine. My super-strong-willed child and I have learned that we must give in to each other as often as possible. This allows us to bow to the wishes of the other when one of us has really strong feelings about an issue. Of course, in the past I've had the final say in these things, but now that she is 20, I don't necessarily have the final say any more--she still lives in my home, so that is the "control" I have over her. I would not want her to move out just because mom is unreasonable in her eyes...so if you don't build a communication trust with you kids at this age, how can you have it when they are 20? At some point you need to change your relationship to that of adult to adult, and these are the years that you s-l-o-w-l-y start making that adjustment. One step at a time. And...buy a cell phone that you send with them when they are out without you. You can insist on their calling when they arrive or calling when they are leaving (so you know when they are on the road), or calling when they are going to be late--whatever is appropriate. If they forget to call, you can call them or text them. Ramble ramble ramble ramble. O.K. I'm done. LOL! Jean Edited May 2, 2009 by Jean in Wisc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 :iagree::coolgleamA: Well I don't have teenagers of my own but I taught teenagers for 11 years and I had 3 teenage foster children so here is my take.... 1. As one poster mentioned, they can't argue and wear you out if you don't engage. Arguing happens a lot in the high school classroom: me- Susie, turn around and stop talking to Johnny susie- i wasn't talking me- yes you were, now turn around and get back to work susie- but he talked to me first and on and on and on........ So I do not argue. I state my position and when they back talk I simply stare at them (they can't argue if there is nothing to argue with) until they comply. It works every time. :iagree: 2. You should give the expectation and the consequence for not complying in advance so they know the score. Susie, you may stay until the class is finished at 8:30pm but you are to be home by 9pm. If you are late then you will no longer be able to stay out past 8pm. She needs to know in advance so she cannot say she didn't know, ya know? :D 3. Don't give punishments that you can't/won't back up. Two weeks is a long time to be grounded...for YOU. ;) When you give in, they win and all she learned is that if she pesters you enough you'll cave. 4. I'm on the conservative side. I would move the videogames to a common area like family room, playroom, basement, etc. and avoid the bedroom thing all together. It's fine when they are little but when kids are teenagers, bedrooms need to be separate and private, IMHO. Raising teenagers is like being on the frontlines of combat. Only engage in battles with them when it is absolutely necessary and when you do engage you have to win the battle or you WILL lose the war. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 "Are you arguing with me or are you politely requesting me to reconsider based upon data that I may not have had when I made the decision?" "Set forth your case and I will reconsider...but I will not argue." Teach them new phrases: "Mom, would you reconsider this?" "Mom, did you know that....." Another thing--put together in your mind what you think would be right and then tell them what you are thinking. Let them discuss the options with you BEFORE you give the final decision. In fact, ask them what the options would be and work it through with them, giving your side to the situation and listening to theirs. (Have they discussed what is right/wrong with the situations of being home late or playing with the boys?)There will be much less frustration if both of you know the whole situation. As they mature they are going to have to learn how to make decisions, and walking through the options and the reasons you both have will help you today and help them in the future when they have to make decisions on their own. Whenever the kids are leaving the house I follow them out the door. I have a list of questions for them. This could include things like: What time will you be home? Who is driving? How are you going to let me know if plans change or if you are going to be late? Then I watch them leave and this is when I pray for them--their safety and friendships and, well, you know... Lots of times with teens you do not have to be strong. Pushing them to do what you want them to do simply quits working at some magic age as they grow up. This is the time that you have to let them know that you are listening to them...but that you do still have the final say. Finding a compromise can often keep relations strong between you and your kids--and be certain that the issue you fight tooth 'n nail really is "the hill you are willing to die on." Remember, this is the rhetoric stage...make them give you strong reasons for their actions and decisions and make sure they are doing a good job of it. As you weigh their arguments, let them know when they are week and when you can see their side well. Require a GOOD logic-based argument and not a wine and dine. My super-strong-willed child and I have learned that we must give in to each other as often as possible. This allows us to bow to the wishes of the other when one of us has really strong feelings about an issue. Of course, in the past I've had the final say in these things, but now that she is 20, I don't necessarily have the final say any more--she still lives in my home, so that is the "control" I have over her. I would not want her to move out just because mom is unreasonable in her eyes...so if you don't build a communication trust with you kids at this age, how can you have it when they are 20? At some point you need to change your relationship to that of adult to adult, and these are the years that you s-l-o-w-l-y start making that adjustment. One step at a time. And...buy a cell phone that you send with them when they are out without you. You can insist on their calling when they arrive or calling when they are leaving (so you know when they are on the road), or calling when they are going to be late--whatever is appropriate. If they forget to call, you can call them or text them. Ramble ramble ramble ramble. O.K. I'm done. LOL! Jean Excellent advice! :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherInWI Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 As far as inappropriate... I guess it's just that I was raised old fashioned. Boys and girls did not go into each others bedrooms! Maybe times have changed that... It just feels wierd to me... but I ask so I can have feedback... maybe it's no big deal... You'd said back of the house, I believe, not bedrooms. I'd put all gaming/video equipment in a living room or family room area, where it's easy for Mom, Dad, and siblings to breeze through on a regular basis and make sure all activities are acceptable. Girls and boys alone together can lead to stupidity and coarse joking, but it's far less likely if they know that someone could be watching/listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Another excellent post. "Are you arguing with me or are you politely requesting me to reconsider based upon data that I may not have had when I made the decision?" "Set forth your case and I will reconsider...but I will not argue." Teach them new phrases: "Mom, would you reconsider this?" "Mom, did you know that....." Another thing--put together in your mind what you think would be right and then tell them what you are thinking. Let them discuss the options with you BEFORE you give the final decision. In fact, ask them what the options would be and work it through with them, giving your side to the situation and listening to theirs. (Have they discussed what is right/wrong with the situations of being home late or playing with the boys?)There will be much less frustration if both of you know the whole situation. As they mature they are going to have to learn how to make decisions, and walking through the options and the reasons you both have will help you today and help them in the future when they have to make decisions on their own. Whenever the kids are leaving the house I follow them out the door. I have a list of questions for them. This could include things like: What time will you be home? Who is driving? How are you going to let me know if plans change or if you are going to be late? Then I watch them leave and this is when I pray for them--their safety and friendships and, well, you know... Lots of times with teens you do not have to be strong. Pushing them to do what you want them to do simply quits working at some magic age as they grow up. This is the time that you have to let them know that you are listening to them...but that you do still have the final say. Finding a compromise can often keep relations strong between you and your kids--and be certain that the issue you fight tooth 'n nail really is "the hill you are willing to die on." Remember, this is the rhetoric stage...make them give you strong reasons for their actions and decisions and make sure they are doing a good job of it. As you weigh their arguments, let them know when they are weak and when you can see their side well. Require a GOOD logic-based argument and not a wine and dine. My super-strong-willed child and I have learned that we must give in to each other as often as possible. This allows us to bow to the wishes of the other when one of us has really strong feelings about an issue. Of course, in the past I've had the final say in these things, but now that she is 20, I don't necessarily have the final say any more--she still lives in my home, so that is the "control" I have over her. I would not want her to move out just because mom is unreasonable in her eyes...so if you don't build a communication trust with you kids at this age, how can you have it when they are 20? At some point you need to change your relationship to that of adult to adult, and these are the years that you s-l-o-w-l-y start making that adjustment. One step at a time. And...buy a cell phone that you send with them when they are out without you. You can insist on their calling when they arrive or calling when they are leaving (so you know when they are on the road), or calling when they are going to be late--whatever is appropriate. If they forget to call, you can call them or text them. Ramble ramble ramble ramble. O.K. I'm done. LOL! Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loupelou Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 :iagree: "Are you arguing with me or are you politely requesting me to reconsider based upon data that I may not have had when I made the decision?" "Set forth your case and I will reconsider...but I will not argue." Teach them new phrases: "Mom, would you reconsider this?" "Mom, did you know that....." Another thing--put together in your mind what you think would be right and then tell them what you are thinking. Let them discuss the options with you BEFORE you give the final decision. In fact, ask them what the options would be and work it through with them, giving your side to the situation and listening to theirs. (Have they discussed what is right/wrong with the situations of being home late or playing with the boys?)There will be much less frustration if both of you know the whole situation. As they mature they are going to have to learn how to make decisions, and walking through the options and the reasons you both have will help you today and help them in the future when they have to make decisions on their own. Whenever the kids are leaving the house I follow them out the door. I have a list of questions for them. This could include things like: What time will you be home? Who is driving? How are you going to let me know if plans change or if you are going to be late? Then I watch them leave and this is when I pray for them--their safety and friendships and, well, you know... Lots of times with teens you do not have to be strong. Pushing them to do what you want them to do simply quits working at some magic age as they grow up. This is the time that you have to let them know that you are listening to them...but that you do still have the final say. Finding a compromise can often keep relations strong between you and your kids--and be certain that the issue you fight tooth 'n nail really is "the hill you are willing to die on." Remember, this is the rhetoric stage...make them give you strong reasons for their actions and decisions and make sure they are doing a good job of it. As you weigh their arguments, let them know when they are weak and when you can see their side well. Require a GOOD logic-based argument and not a wine and dine. My super-strong-willed child and I have learned that we must give in to each other as often as possible. This allows us to bow to the wishes of the other when one of us has really strong feelings about an issue. Of course, in the past I've had the final say in these things, but now that she is 20, I don't necessarily have the final say any more--she still lives in my home, so that is the "control" I have over her. I would not want her to move out just because mom is unreasonable in her eyes...so if you don't build a communication trust with you kids at this age, how can you have it when they are 20? At some point you need to change your relationship to that of adult to adult, and these are the years that you s-l-o-w-l-y start making that adjustment. One step at a time. Jean At 14 your daughter is testing the waters, trying to find her way. It's an extremely important time for you to know what standards you want to uphold and what you expect from your kids. Hopefully, you were able to instill these in them as children. Your daughter clearly proved that she was not ready for the responsibility that you allowed, you now have the upper hand. Use it but don't abuse it:). There are fine nuances to dealing with teens, and many a book has been written about it. LOL! Here are a few I suggest: Parent and Teen: Teamed for Success, Ronald Zirker 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Stephen Covey Are Your Standards Fences or Guardrails?, John Bytheway How to Talk So Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk, Faber & Mazlish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine Posted May 3, 2009 Share Posted May 3, 2009 When my teens enter that debate stage and argue with me over things... and they continue on and on... I give in most of the time... There are a few things I've learned, that I'm ever so grateful didn't take me too long to figure out. 1. I don't make rules (curfews, bedtimes, etc.) unless they are VERY important to me. They are then made terribly clear to the kids. 2. This phrase: "This topic is not open for discussion / debate." and 3. I DO NOT discuss what I claimed was "un-discussable" in #2. In fact, should a child attempt to discuss it, there is an immediate and harsh punishment. Now, that is not to say that sometimes I will say "no" to something and a child will try to work me into a "yes". If there were "reasons" I said "no" (like the child is grounded, or hasn't completed their school work), then the child is informed of said reasons and we go to #2. If there aren't reasons, because I admit to sometimes feeling overwhelmed and my "no" answers flow freely at those times, I will listen to their arguments, and if they are "good", I may change my mind. I actually figure it's good for them to argue some points. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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