Help me figure out this one.

[Audrey]

Problem: There is a family in our town who is not doing well on many fronts. They have tried to deny/hide things that are going on, but it's a tiny community. The gossip train runs fast and furious. :glare: Anyway, the mother in this family does NOT like me. She vocally disapproves of my family's lifestyle choices (several of them, in fact).

 

However, I think that doesn't matter anymore because their family's problems aren't just about her. No one else that I've talked to in our community wants to get together to help them, mostly citing the irrascibility of the mother. Like I said, though, I don't feel like that matters anymore.

 

The thing is this: I am capable of helping them out at the moment, and want to do so. How? How can I anonymously give them help in such a tiny place with such a watchdog gossip posse?

 

The other thing is: if I have to be so surreptitious about it, does that degrade the value of trying to help? I'm a little conflicted on that point, too.

 

Give me your best shot, here. I'm really at a loss at to what to do. You can even tell me I'm full of cr*p if you want. I can take it.

 

ETA: I am referring to financial help. Sorry I didn't clarify that in the post the first time.

Edited April 29, 2009 by Audrey

[nova mama]

Does your town have a grocery store that sells gift cards? You could buy them one and just mail it with no return address. I know you can also get American Express gift cards, another way to be anonymous if you can't do the grocery cards.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with "surreptitious" giving. If anything, it shows that your motives really are sincere and you're just trying to help, and not get any credit. And won't it be fun to think about how crazy this anonymous gift wil drive her? :D But seriously, I think it's wonderful that you want to help this women. I hope it goes well.

[Sue G in PA]

I,too, think it wonderful that you want to help in spite of this woman's negativity toward you...what a way to show the love Christ! I agree that gift cards would make the most sense financially if you want to be anon. That is, if it is financial help they need. We've done that before when we've wanted to remain anon. Giving anon. doesn't degrade the value of the help...it shows true love when you simply want to give and not be recognized for the giving. Giving is never bad.

[lionfamily1999]

I'm not sure how your tax code works, but...

 

I went to pay our personal property taxes today. They were due last week, we're nearly broke, and I was going to have to throw myself on the mercy of the treasurer's office.

 

Imagine my surprise and delight when I found out someone had paid them last week. I have no idea who did it, only what bank they use, lol. Now, we're going grocery shopping, thank goodness, for all that stuff we've been missing the past week.

 

Here, you go to the county offices and tell them your name, or the names on the property you want to pay. They look it up, tell you what's owed and you pay it. If you could do the same thing, even a partial pay, or something like it, you could stay completely annonymous, help out immensely and know you've made their day, whatever day they find out.

 

Granted, this may not work, but it's an idea.

[nova mama]

I'm not sure how your tax code works, but...

 

I went to pay our personal property taxes today. They were due last week, we're nearly broke, and I was going to have to throw myself on the mercy of the treasurer's office.

 

Imagine my surprise and delight when I found out someone had paid them last week. I have no idea who did it, only what bank they use, lol. Now, we're going grocery shopping, thank goodness, for all that stuff we've been missing the past week.

 

Here, you go to the county offices and tell them your name, or the names on the property you want to pay. They look it up, tell you what's owed and you pay it. If you could do the same thing, even a partial pay, or something like it, you could stay completely annonymous, help out immensely and know you've made their day, whatever day they find out.

 

Granted, this may not work, but it's an idea.

 

I LOVE IT!!!

[*********]

I think it's great that you want to help them. But I'm confused as to what kind of help they need?:confused:

 

My, you must live in a TINY city. I sitting here in my suburb of Detroit, trying to imagine a neighbor even two streets over having any care about if my kids were going 'without' or not.

 

Did I mention how great I think it is that you want to help? :)

 

I just don't know what to suggest without more info on what kind of help they need.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

I'm not sure how your tax code works, but...

 

I went to pay our personal property taxes today. They were due last week, we're nearly broke, and I was going to have to throw myself on the mercy of the treasurer's office.

 

Imagine my surprise and delight when I found out someone had paid them last week. I have no idea who did it, only what bank they use, lol. Now, we're going grocery shopping, thank goodness, for all that stuff we've been missing the past week.

 

Here, you go to the county offices and tell them your name, or the names on the property you want to pay. They look it up, tell you what's owed and you pay it. If you could do the same thing, even a partial pay, or something like it, you could stay completely annonymous, help out immensely and know you've made their day, whatever day they find out.

 

Granted, this may not work, but it's an idea.

Be careful with this. Last year our mortgage company paid somebody else's property taxes with our escrow. The other people thought it was a "gift" but it was really a mistake. Took me a long time and a lot of trouble, but we finally got it figured out. And they had taxes due again after they thought their taxes were paid. The county clerk told me that this mistake happens very frequently. Funny thing was, the property that was paid in error was not a customer of my bank, and didn't even use escrow to pay taxes. The numbers weren't even close.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

Does your town have a grocery store that sells gift cards? You could buy them one and just mail it with no return address. I know you can also get American Express gift cards, another way to be anonymous if you can't do the grocery cards.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with "surreptitious" giving. If anything, it shows that your motives really are sincere and you're just trying to help, and not get any credit. And won't it be fun to think about how crazy this anonymous gift wil drive her? :D But seriously, I think it's wonderful that you want to help this women. I hope it goes well.

 

I think a gift card is a wonderful idea. If you want to give tangible items (clothes, etc.) maybe there's a way to mail from a different town? I know the expense of mailing may be prohibitative, but that may be the price of anonymity. I prefer to give in secret, too. I once had my husband sneak around in the dead of night to deliver a box of winter clothes to the doorstep of a house I knew needed them.

[OnTheBrink]

The only way I can think to be anonymous is to go the gift card route, or go to the utilities/county/whomever yourself and pay the bill for them, but even with that, you run the risk of someone telling her, since you're in a small town.

 

You could deliver bags of groceries under the dark of night, but it would have to only be non-perishables so nothing would go bad or get eaten by raccoons.

 

I think it's very sweet of you to help her, given her attitude toward you. :)

[Crissy]

I am capable of helping them out at the moment, and want to do so. How? How can I anonymously give them help in such a tiny place with such a watchdog gossip posse?

 

 

Could you share some of the ways you are considering helping? Maybe we can think of a few ways to help you do specific things anonymously.

 

The other thing is: if I have to be so surreptitious about it, does that degrade the value of trying to help? I'm a little conflicted on that point, too.

 

 

I think an anonymous gift might be easier for someone like your neighbor to accept. She wouldn't feel as if she 'owes' anyone, nor would she be forced to face the way she has treated you or others in the past before accepting your kindness.

[Aubrey]

Depending on the nature of the help, I think I'd send it to someone else to send to her, anonymously. That way, the postal stamp wouldn't be traceable to you. Maybe that's going overboard? I love being sneaky, though. :D

[Unicorn.]

OH, could you get a gift card to a local grocery store, or Walmart, or something, and mail it to them? That way it would be from a nonny mouse, and nobody could let it slip who done it! Or similarly buy something they need, (if it's clothes or something) and again, mail it to them. hth It's a wonderful thing that you are trying to do- I hope you succeed!

[bettyandbob]

I dropped off a couple of week's worth of groceries, plus a months worth of diapers at a neighbors once. I left it all on their door step when they weren't home. I waited until a car pulled up and someone went inside to leave two whole chickens. Then, I knocked on the door and ran away. Sounds silly. We were friendly acquaintances at the time, but the mom was stressed and embarassed at the shape they were in and I didn't want her feeling she had to be extra grateful to me. This strategy may not work in a place where people are vigilant about noticing and gossiping. So, I'd get a gift card to the local grocery and mail it with no return address.

 

I like the property tax bill idea. I wonder if you can pay a credit to utility companies on behalf of an address for water/electric/gas.

[Jayne J]

This may be a bit touchy, but it is another option. I realize you are not Christian, so I hope you won't take offence, but perhaps you could contact a local pastor or priest? If the woman and her family attend a church, you could speak to her church leader. We did this one time, anonymously giving food and clothes to another person through the local church. Plus, I bet she'd NEVER guess who sent it!;) It can be much easier to accept help from a church or other charitable organiztion than from an individual, and is a good way to deliver bigger items like food and clothes.

The gift card idea is the simplest though.

[Rose in BC]

Good for you to want to help despite the obstacles that might make helping less seem less palatable than helping someone who's easy to like.

 

A few years back my dh was on strike for four months. That was a tough time for us given that we're a single income family. Several times we came home to groceries on our door step. It was such a blessing.

 

We have also been in the position to help and what I have found, given that I live in a small town, the easiest thing for me to do is to buy a grocery gift card and pop it in the mail. Delivery is the next day.

[lionfamily1999]

Be careful with this. Last year our mortgage company paid somebody else's property taxes with our escrow. The other people thought it was a "gift" but it was really a mistake. Took me a long time and a lot of trouble, but we finally got it figured out. And they had taxes due again after they thought their taxes were paid. The county clerk told me that this mistake happens very frequently. Funny thing was, the property that was paid in error was not a customer of my bank, and didn't even use escrow to pay taxes. The numbers weren't even close.

Except that everything was paid. I'm still in a bit of a tizzy :D It was over $600 worth of taxes on our cars and house. I was worried, at first, that it was a mistake, but once they looked up the cars and other personal property stuff and all that had been paid too we (the various treasury people and myself) decided it was probably not an accident. Of course, I'm just wondering who in the world knew we were neck deep in bills, or if it was sheer serendipity, someone wanted to do something nice for us and it coincided with a really dreadful money moment. Anyway, I can't say enough, how wonderful it is, that someone did that for us, with no expectation of recieving a gift in return.

[mcconnellboys]

I love being anonymous. I'm sure you can find a way! I absolutely think you should help - and good for you!

[Nakia]

I love what you are trying to do! I am so glad that you are listening to your heart in this. I agree that a gift card is probably the best way to go about it. :grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

Mail cash to them. Concealed and anonymous cash.

 

When I feel the pull to help someone, I tend to do it. One year, I mailed gifts to a friend whose dh was away for Christmas. She was due any moment with her 3rd baby and had two little ones to care for at home. She was struggling and had mentioned that Christmas was going to be small with all that had happened. Around that same time, my dh got a bonus. I took a portion of his bonus and bought Christmas presents for her whole family, including her and her dh and the unborn baby who was due in December just before Christmas.

 

I mailed the package anonymously from a different state (that borders mine). When she got the package, she was just flabbergasted. I had planned to remain anonymous, but there was an issue with the tracking and I couldn't be sure she got the package. Finally, I just asked her. She is a very Christian girl and told me later that she had prayed she would find out who sent it just so she could say "thank you." It was such a blessing for me to be able to do it.

 

I think you are right to want to do this for the family even if the mom is not so great. I know you aren't Christian, but I definitely feel that you will be honored/blessed/have great kharma for what you are wanting to do! :)

[Audrey]

I think it's great that you want to help them. But I'm confused as to what kind of help they need?:confused:

 

My, you must live in a TINY city. I sitting here in my suburb of Detroit, trying to imagine a neighbor even two streets over having any care about if my kids were going 'without' or not.

 

Did I mention how great I think it is that you want to help? :)

 

I just don't know what to suggest without more info on what kind of help they need.

 

 

I'm sorry. I thought I had put the word "financial" in the above post, but I see I didn't. Yes, I do mean financial help... going to edit that post now. :)

 

And, yes... we are in a tiny community. I live on a farm several miles away from town. The town itself has around 400 (that's four hundred) people in it. The whole surrounding rural community is perhaps another 600 people tops. So yeah... tiny.

Edited April 29, 2009 by Audrey

[katilac]

Problem: There is a family in our town who is not doing well on many fronts. They have tried to deny/hide things that are going on, but it's a tiny community. The gossip train runs fast and furious. :glare: Anyway, the mother in this family does NOT like me. She vocally disapproves of my family's lifestyle choices (several of them, in fact).

 

However, I think that doesn't matter anymore because their family's problems aren't just about her. No one else that I've talked to in our community wants to get together to help them, mostly citing the irrascibility of the mother. Like I said, though, I don't feel like that matters anymore.

 

The thing is this: I am capable of helping them out at the moment, and want to do so. How? How can I anonymously give them help in such a tiny place with such a watchdog gossip posse?

 

The other thing is: if I have to be so surreptitious about it, does that degrade the value of trying to help? I'm a little conflicted on that point, too.

 

Give me your best shot, here. I'm really at a loss at to what to do. You can even tell me I'm full of cr*p if you want. I can take it.

 

ETA: I am referring to financial help. Sorry I didn't clarify that in the post the first time.

 

I don't see why being anonymous would degrade the value of trying to help; it's always preferable, imo.

 

As far as staying anonymous in a small town, just order a gift card online, Visa or whatever, and have it sent to your house (but with their name on it, obviously). This way you can be sure they don't accidentally include any ID info on the giver. Then, just pop it in the mail to them. Nobody knows that you've done it, so gossip is impossible.

 

Alternately, I'm pretty sure you can send money anonymously via Western Union; all you would have to do is mail them the pick up info.

[Caroline]

I recently did this for a family. The daughter has a brain tumor and is spending lots of time in the hospital. I got an American Express giftcard at the Publix, and mailed it to a mutual friend. See, I don't know the family in need, I just read about them on my friend's blog. Anyway, I remained anonymous at my request. The Am Ex giftcard could be used almost anywhere, even for doctor bills.

 

All of this to say that the giftcard idea worked well. And you can get them just about anywhere now.

[Audrey]

This may be a bit touchy, but it is another option. I realize you are not Christian, so I hope you won't take offence, but perhaps you could contact a local pastor or priest? If the woman and her family attend a church, you could speak to her church leader. We did this one time, anonymously giving food and clothes to another person through the local church. Plus, I bet she'd NEVER guess who sent it!;) It can be much easier to accept help from a church or other charitable organiztion than from an individual, and is a good way to deliver bigger items like food and clothes.

The gift card idea is the simplest though.

 

 

How could I be offended at that? :D After all, I became very good friends with the former priest when I was tutoring him in English. Great man he was.

 

I had thought of that, but the reality is that I couldn't confer with the priest without the secretary knowing, and if the secretary knew then everyone would know. I realise that shouldn't happen and is probably a breach of something, but that's our local gossip mill for you. :glare:

[Audrey]

I don't see why being anonymous would degrade the value of trying to help; it's always preferable, imo.

 

As far as staying anonymous in a small town, just order a gift card online, Visa or whatever, and have it sent to your house (but with their name on it, obviously). This way you can be sure they don't accidentally include any ID info on the giver. Then, just pop it in the mail to them. Nobody knows that you've done it, so gossip is impossible.

 

Alternately, I'm pretty sure you can send money anonymously via Western Union; all you would have to do is mail them the pick up info.

 

 

I think I will check into this Visa gift card idea. It works just like any credit card/debit card transaction, yes?

[katilac]

Correct, anyplace that takes Visa will take a pre-paid Visa card. There is usually a charge of about five bucks per card.

 

Around here, you can buy them at the local drugstore, but you can defnitely get them online as well.

[Guest janainaz]

What would she perceive as love - anonymous or you going to her directly and letting her know that you really do care? It's more about how they will receive what you have to offer. If you truly want to be anoymous, there are ways. Just consider your motives before you do anything. Sometimes it shows more love to let someone know that you love and care about them. Other times it's better to give discreetly..... just discernment.