I need hugs...Feeling hurt and excluded for my dd

[Guest Katia]

I really need some hugs today. After over a year, I've finally let my 16yo dd get a Facebook account. Most all of her 'friends' have been chatting and exchanging info via FB during that time, but dd didn't really have a huge interest (she didn't really understand what FB was) and dh and I have gone back and forth with the security issues involved, etc.

 

Ok.

 

So, this weekend we helped her set-up her account. She spent a lot of time on there trying to figure it all out....but none of her friends were on. It was the weekend and since she had free time, she thought at least some of her friends would be on. But no.

 

Fast-forward to today, where she gets on after she's finished with school. She has just 30 minutes online before heading out the door to her volunteer job, and she reads a discussion all about the party at her best friend's house....that all of her other friends were invited to....but she was not.

 

We are not talking a large city or a large group of friends. We are talking a close-knit group of girls that number in the range of not more than 5 girls. How can kids do this to each other.....(more importantly to me: to MY dd) and how can this girl's mother, who I mistakenly thought was *my* best friend, do this to dd/me?

 

This family is a conservative Christian type that likes to have events at their home so they can keep a close eye on the appropriateness of behavior, etc. The mom would have organized and coordinated the event; not the dd.

 

I can not explain to you how hurt and excluded she felt...and I haven't stopped crying. Now I have to figure out how to respond to this, or how NOT to respond to this. Can I just stay in my house and never leave it again?

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: to you and dd.

[MamaT]

:grouphug: Just I'm sorry. When your kids are hurt, the pain is worse than if it were you.

 

A couple of weeks ago, my dd, who is adopted and biracial, got into a spat with a friend. The friend called my daughter a n***er. To tell the truth, I had murder in my heart. Her mother grounded her, but that didn't take my daughter's hurt away. It was also the end of their friendship.

 

Have an honest conversation with the girl's mother (once you have your emotions under control) and get the whole story.

[Remudamom]

I'm so sorry. Big hugs to your darling daughter.

[missplacedalaskan]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this hurt and help your Dd through it.

 

I am dealing with a similar situation with my Ds. His buddy is having a Birthday sleepover this Friday and he was not invited, but his sister will be sleeping over here with Dd so that she will not be home with a house full of teen boys. I'm hurt, Ds is hurt.

[Ria]

Katia,

 

Normally I'd say stay out of it, but you mentioned that the girl's mom is your best friend.

 

Call your friend. Explain that your dd saw this info on facebook and was hurt, and just tell her you are confused. See what she says. If she knew her dd was excluding your dd, I would want to know, being that you consider her a best friend.

 

I hope there is a logical and simple explanation.

 

Ria

[Pink Fairy]

Wow. This is horrible! But maybe not all is lost. Three things come to mind. Her "friends" are playing a trick on her--there was no party, they are just being what they think is cute (yuck) now that they know she has a FB account. Second, the party did take place, but your best friend recently suffered a head injury that left her (1) forgetful, but not purposely so, or (2) an evil witch, with bad intentions. :glare: Third, it was just a mistake, as in the mom thought you guys were going to be out of town or something.

 

If it's not one of those things above, then I think you've got some bad news to wrap your head around. These are not your dd's friends, and this woman is not your friend. And I'm really sorry. :grouphug: I hope that's not the case, because no one deserves that sort of treatment! But I think you'll need to ask the mom about what happened to know for sure.

 

:grouphug:'s to you and your dd, Katia, and I'm hoping it's all just a misunderstanding. :grouphug:

[Alicia64]

(((Katia))),

 

Mine are 5, and I think, that a couple of slights they've received went under their radar (at least I hope).

 

I agree w/ talking to the mom with a "I'm confused. Is there a problem?" approach.

 

My overall (remember I'm green w/ young kids so feel free to ignore me) plan, though, is to work with my kids on knowing what is the other person's problem vs. their own. Like the girl who called the daughter a n****r. The name caller has a problem. (In a nutshell, I wish my parents had taught me more about how to have and deal with my hurt feelings.)

 

Last, you and everyone, just have to read Queen Bees and Wannabees. It's a fantastic book written about the culture of tween and teen girls. And it's an eye opener. I'm certain that our hs kids get less of that culture than ps kids (one reason I hs), but the girl culture is probably everywhere girls are. I highly recommend it. There's even one chapter for moms of boys.

 

More Hugs. Only a wonderful mom cares like you do. Friends and hurt feelings can come and go (although some are keepers), but wonderful moms last a lifetime.

 

Take care,

 

Alicia

[Guest Katia]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this hurt and help your Dd through it.

 

I am dealing with a similar situation with my Ds. His buddy is having a Birthday sleepover this Friday and he was not invited, but his sister will be sleeping over here with Dd so that she will not be home with a house full of teen boys. I'm hurt, Ds is hurt.

 

:grouphug: You are a bigger woman than I. My house would be unavailable to that sister on that night. She would have to find another place to stay so as to not rub my ds's nose in the dirt.

 

I'm so sorry for you. Misery loves company, eh? Well, this is some company I could have done without. You too. :grouphug:

[Dobela]

:grouphug: You are a bigger woman than I. My house would be unavailable to that sister on that night. She would have to find another place to stay so as to not rub my ds's nose in the dirt.

 

I'm so sorry for you. Misery loves company, eh? Well, this is some company I could have done without. You too. :grouphug:

First, hugs to the OP. My son has recently gone thru something similar (a friend said he was "boring" and left him out of a party because of that). I don't have any answers. We are just taking it day by day here. I also don't think I could allow the sister to stay at my home either. That just would be too painful for my son and be a reminder the entire time she was left out.

 

Goodness, if I was the mom of that girl, I wouldn't have the guts to send her to your house (but then I wouldn't leave out your son either...)

[Journey]

My daughter recently started school at a Christian school. She has made a few friends. Our district had all of last week off from school. Of the three friends that she has made, she found out (from them talking about it) that they were going to have a sleep over to which she was not invited. I think a part of her really didn't care but I'm sure a part of her would have wanted to be included. When that happened to her (or similar things) I have always made it a purpose to keep her closer to me and to remind her that girls are jerks. Plain and simple, most girls this age (my daughter is 14) are jerks because they are jealous or whatever of other girls. We just need to raise our girls knowing that we love them, that Jesus loves them and that no matter what, they matter more to us than anything. That will build their self confidence and their self esteem, which is something that most girls don't have today. Just tell your daughter that even though her heart might be sad right now, those girls really don't matter. And as for your friend? I was in a very similar relationship/situation as the one you speak of and I ended the friendship faster than you can believe. No friendship is worth my child being hurt (and this woman was a very, very close, long time friend).

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Why would you assume that the girls are jerks? Could it also be that they have known each other for a couple years and have only known your daughter for a few months? Are there other factors like being together on sports teams or going to the same church that you are overlooking? Was there a body count limit on the sleepover?

If Jesus loves your daughter, he also loves the other girls. Even when they are doing things that intentionally or unintentionally are hurtful.

 

I hate to see my kids be excluded from things. But I also have to realize that my kids are also not 100% kind and mature. Sometimes their own actions alienate other people. And they are often the new kids and can't expect that they will automatically have the same bonds with someone that every other friend of that someone has.

[SonshineLearner]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this hurt and help your Dd through it.

 

I am dealing with a similar situation with my Ds. His buddy is having a Birthday sleepover this Friday and he was not invited, but his sister will be sleeping over here with Dd so that she will not be home with a house full of teen boys. I'm hurt, Ds is hurt.

 

This is unacceptable! Why is so hard to be considerate? I mean....I'd rather have cake in the park and nothing else...than to leave anyone out!

 

I think of my child and how she's hurt about things...and then I realize ...big people and little people are just inconsiderate and rude. I sometimes wonder if there is a group of people in the world...that are kind to each other.

[SonshineLearner]

Katia,

 

I'm sorry for you and your daughter. I wish that people thought of others. Sometimes it just seems like it'd be easier to lower the blinds and not come out.

Hoping for some sunshine tomorrow for you!

Carrie:-)

[Karen in CO]

Perhaps the invitation had gone out on FB before your dd joined. There is a whole 'nother level of socialization that goes on with the online social groups. If you guys are going to participate, you will have have a bit tougher skin at least until you learn what is going on. When the kids are FB friends, it adds another layer to the communication. Your dd hasn't been a part of it although she has bee friends with them in real life (IRL). I know she hurts and so do you. And I'd give you hugs if you were here, but you can't hold real grudges about FB things that happened when you don't know the whole story.

 

And I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that it probably won't be the last time that something like that happens. Groups of friends on FB have their own little social structure and culture. She's going to have to learn how to relate to her friends in this new environment if she's going to stay in FB, but now that she has seen that they are there, she probably won't be happy without being a part of the FB group and the IRL group.

[kalanamak]

Dear Katia, I am from the middle of the corn fields, and your post made me really appreciate the fact I was such an oddball I wouldn't have dreamed anyone would invite me to a slumber party. I went to a couple, and it was obvious that the mom had insisted I be included. I wish they hadn't.

 

:grouphug:

Adolescence doesn't last forever! My mother used to say these people would be nothing to me by the time I was 20, and how right she was.

[Starr]

I'm sorry! Wouldn't it be lovely to opt out for a while? I'm avoiding this facebook thing for a while. Girls irl have been so horrible. Yes, they are my friends' lovely daughters in a church group that behaved so badly but no one would believe it. I'm not sure talking to your friend will help. :grouphug:

[Staci in MO]

If you're close to the mom, I would do as Ria suggested and call her in a day or so when you're not quite so upset. But until then, keep in mind that this could be an innocent mistake. Could the hostess have originally just invited one girl, but then another girl's parents had to go out of town? Or maybe it was supposed to be one or two of the girls, and someone popped in unexpectedly and was invited to stay at the last minute? Perhaps it was a last minute thing and they tried to call but you weren't home?

 

Try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I remember a couple of times when friends left me out, and it hurts terribly. But I've also been in situations where someone wrongly assumed that they had been purposely excluded when all the while there was a simple and innocent explanation. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt until you know the whole story.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry. I'd have been devastated too.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Katia,

 

Normally I'd say stay out of it, but you mentioned that the girl's mom is your best friend.

 

Call your friend. Explain that your dd saw this info on facebook and was hurt, and just tell her you are confused. See what she says. If she knew her dd was excluding your dd, I would want to know, being that you consider her a best friend.

 

I hope there is a logical and simple explanation.

 

Ria

 

:iagree::iagree:

:grouphug::grouphug: