I need advice on a sticky situation, please

[runamuk]

This is our first year homeschooling and are doing without any outside support. I had hoped to find a group in our area for support and friendship, but most of them are denominational or church run religious groups. The ones that aren't are inclusive only for Christians. And I'm a pagan.

 

I recently met a woman with whom I have a great deal in common. We're both military moms (her husband works with mine), our children are the same ages and genders, we're homeschooling for the same reasons, we are using some of the same curricula, and we have the same sense of humor. The problem? She has asked me to go with her to her church and her homeschool group several times and I don't know how to politely decline without hurting our friendship.

 

She has no idea that I'm a pagan and I really don't want to mention it. I've revealed my religious beliefs to others in the past and have gotten several reactions, the first reaction being trying to convert me and the second being ostracized. The military community is pretty small and word spreads quickly. I've been removed from mailing lists, have been disinvited to various functions for spouses and ignored at unit parties. IN the past, my husband has caught flak for my "unusual beliefs" and has been strongly advised to see to the spiritual health of his family. That's not something I want to go through again nor put onto my husband (who is, btw, perfectly fine with my beliefs though the differ from his).

 

In the past, I've simply declined invitations to church services, politely replied that I prefer not to discuss religion in a social setting, or steered the conversation elsewhere. But it's not working this time. We speak on the phone a couple of times a week and have gotten together for study time and playdates. The conversations are getting awkward because I won't tell her why I don't want to come to her homeschool group meetings (which require I sign a statement of faith) or church services. I refuse to lie or to pretend I believe something I do not, nor would I want to set that example for my children. I've tried telling her that I'm not the same denomination she is and leaving it at that, but that invites questions I'm not comfortable answering.

 

So, is there a way to handle this without losing my friend?

[Melinda in VT]

Is the negative reaction you've experienced in the past due to being not a Christian or due to being pagan?

 

You might be able to explain that you are not Christian and aren't interested in converting without going into detail about what you do believe.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you are in this position.

[hornblower]

I think you need to tell her. Either she'll turn out to be a good friend & will not let this stand between you, or she'll drop you. If she's going to drop you, I think it's better to have it happen now rather than months down the road when you've become more friendly & your kids become closer.

 

Depending on how strongly you feel about it you could skirt the issue of your beliefs and just say that the beliefs of her church or the homeschooling group are just not ones that you share. There are still people out there who will let topics like religion, politics and money drop very quickly when they sense you're not sympatico.

 

Good luck!

[Barb_]

Is the negative reaction you've experienced in the past due to being not a Christian or due to being pagan?

 

You might be able to explain that you are not Christian and aren't interested in converting without going into detail about what you do believe.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you are in this position.

 

ITA and don't give off an apologetic vibe as you do it. Do Joanne's bean dip routine...simply respond in a matter of fact way and change the subject.

 

Barb

[dawn of ns]

You might be able to explain that you are not Christian and aren't interested in converting without going into detail about what you do believe.

 

 

I think this is a good way to go about it. I would explain that you've had negative experiences before though so she knows where you're coming from and the boundaries she shouldn't cross. Hopefully she'll be fine and then maybe you can tell her about being pagan later.

 

Really, I probably wouldn't have reccomended you withheld your beliefs a few years ago but I've since had some pagan friends and it seems they often do get singled out for special harrassment by some Christians.

[WTMCassandra]

I am a Christian and would normally say tell you to let the chips fall where they may, but I am aware of how the military works, sigh. It could quickly become a big deal. In this case I would just make a firm but nice boundary, pass bean dip, and be a broken record.

[Melissa B]

Our stock answer when invited to attend a church service is that we have chosen not to attend any church at this time and prefer to worship at home.

 

When asked to come to Christian homeschool group meetings I say that I have simply found homeschool groups to be too time consuming and cause me to lose our school focus, disrupt our routine and interfere too much with our family life and other outside commitments. I wouldn't even mention it is the Christian part that concerns me.

 

My kids have lost friends more than once by admitting we are not Christian, so we just don't mention it any more. :)

Edited February 4, 2009 by Melissa B

[Tutor]

I'm not really sure what to tell you. My first inclination was that you need to be honest with her and find out now if this is a true, unconditional friendship. However, I am not familiar with the closeness and intimacy of the military setting, and I see that your situation goes way beyond just this one friendship. In that case, I am at a loss.

 

I am so very sorry. I wish we were closer. We'd love more homeschoolers to hang out with.

[TraceyS/FL]

Our stock answer when invited to attend a church service is that we have chosen not to attend any church at this time and prefer to worship at home.

 

When asked to come to Christian homeschool group meetings I say that I have simply found homeschool groups to be too time consuming and cause me to lose our school focus, disrupt our routine and interfere too much with our family life and other outside commitments. I wouldn't even mention it is the Christian part that concerns me.

 

My kids have lost friends more than once by admitting we are not Christian, so we just don't mention it any more. :)

 

:iagree: Good answers!!!

 

:grouphug:

[Guest janainaz]

You'll find out just how strong that friendship really is when you put yourself and your beliefs out there. It's a total bummer when religion and belief systems seperate relationships. Hopefully that will not happen in this case. You have to just be you and it's better to find out what your friend is made of now rather than later! It could be a good thing on the other end as well.

[Joanne]

Our stock answer when invited to attend a church service is that we have chosen not to attend any church at this time and prefer to worship at home.

 

I'm usually a direct, up front advocate. In this case, I'd recommend the above. I might even add that "we don't feel comfortable with statements of faith". A lot of people feel that way, and it often garners understanding from even Christians.

[runamuk]

Is the negative reaction you've experienced in the past due to being not a Christian or due to being pagan?

 

The reaction is due to my paganism. Other non-Christians have been accepted without comment or discrimination.

 

There are still people out there who will let topics like religion, politics and money drop very quickly when they sense you're not sympatico.

 

I was hoping this was the case, but she's not picking up on the fact that I don't want to discuss the matter.

 

When asked to come to Christian homeschool group meetings I say that I have simply found homeschool groups to be too time consuming and cause me to lose our school focus, disrupt our routine and interfere too much with our family life and other outside commitments. I wouldn't even mention it is the Christian part that concerns me.

 

My kids have lost friends more than once by admitting we are not Christian, so we just don't mention it any more. :)

 

I think I will try this instead of side-stepping the issue completely. :)

And my kids have lost friends, too, by admitting they've never stepped foot inside a church.

 

I'm not really sure what to tell you. My first inclination was that you need to be honest with her and find out now if this is a true, unconditional friendship. However, I am not familiar with the closeness and intimacy of the military setting, and I see that your situation goes way beyond just this one friendship. In that case, I am at a loss.

 

I am so very sorry. I wish we were closer. We'd love more homeschoolers to hang out with.

 

I'd like to be able to tell her, too. It's just that my past experiences make it hard to feel comfortable enough to do this. The military is a somewhat intolerant place (not to start a debate with this comment) and anything outside of "the norm" isn't well accepted. And if it was just myself that would be affected, I wouldn't be this hesitant about it. But because it has the potential to affect my husband, I'm double thinking things.

 

I love the bean dip routine. I will have to give this a try - it might even work on my mother! lol I like her website, too.

 

Thank you for your points of view and your advice. This has really given me more to think about, but in a calmer manner (instead of grabbing my hair and muttering "what am I gonna do?" over and over, lol). Setting boundaries has always been difficult for me and I'm so afraid of hurting someone else's feelings that I've been willing to overlook my own. I'm 40 years old and I'm still learning.

[TraceyS/FL]

I'm usually a direct, up front advocate. In this case, I'd recommend the above. I might even add that "we don't feel comfortable with statements of faith". A lot of people feel that way, and it often garners understanding from even Christians.

We are Christian, and i refuse to sign a statement of faith. Just not going to happen. My relationship with "whoever" is that, mine. I have lots of friends that feel the same way.

 

I think I will try this instead of side-stepping the issue completely. :)

And my kids have lost friends, too, by admitting they've never stepped foot inside a church.

Well, i have issues with organized religion, and live in the Bible belt, and my kids can say the same thing. I just wanted to share that - in some ways here it has hurt us/them. But i'm not comfortable making major changes at the moment.

 

Thank you for your points of view and your advice. This has really given me more to think about, but in a calmer manner (instead of grabbing my hair and muttering "what am I gonna do?" over and over, lol). Setting boundaries has always been difficult for me and I'm so afraid of hurting someone else's feelings that I've been willing to overlook my own. I'm 40 years old and I'm still learning.

:grouphug: YOu have lots of help up above, i hope some of it can work for you. If you find yourself here in Central FL - you are welcome to come by anytime. And i'm still learning at 40....

 

Hang in there, and i truly hope you find a way to express it without you and the kids getting hurt. :grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

Gosh, I am learning so much on this board. I have never turned away a friend who wasn't Christian. And I am not one of those who tries to convert everyone either. My ex husband is an athiest which is really a point of contention since I am raising OUR son to be Christian. However, I love him (my ex...as a person, father, friend) just the same as I would if he were a Christian. We just agree to disagree on religion and I teach our son what I believe. Our son is also aware of what he believes and the door of communication with his dad is open in that arena. I just don't understand people who call themselves Christians but turn away others who are not. Can you imagine if Jesus had done that? Really, did God call us to just sit aorund with other Christians and be done with it? OMG! I am just learning about so many things involving religion that I was not aware of before. :( My best friend is married to a Jewish man who doesn't believe in Jesus, my ex is an athiest, I was agnostic for a long time. I love my friend and family for WHO they are not what they believe. I am willing to share what I believe if they ask...but I am not going to shove it down their throats. Does this make me some sort of terrible Christian?

 

To the OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I would be honest with your friend. If she is your friend, she will love you no matter what. If she ostracizes you, then she was not really a friend to begin with. :(

[ChristusG]

If this is someone who you enjoy being around and is a potential good friend, I think you need to be fairly honest.

 

But you know what? A lot of people, myself included, do not know very much about paganism. In fact, I knew nothing until I've read a few posts about it on this board. The people who have rejected you may be confused about your stance. I would honestly explain that you are not a devil worshipper or a witch who tries to cast spells or anything like that. I dont say that to be funny, I really mean it. As you probably know, there can be all sorts of misunderstandings about paganism. Maybe explain a bit about your beliefs to let her know you are not some sort of strange person. Again, I hope that I'm not insulting you by how I'm stating it. I'm just coming at it from someone who had no clue about paganism a short while ago. Not that I know very much about it now.....but I know what it is not.

 

If she is a nice person, a faithful Christian, then she will still be your friend. Jesus was friends with people who did not believe the same as him. But also, she may pray for you in her private time. And please do not be offended by that if she mentions it. As a Christian, we are called to pray for those who do not believe the same as us.

 

It sounds like you guys could make great friends since you have so much in common. I'd hate to see it end due to misunderstandings.

[Kim in Appalachia]

and then I would drop it. I would not offer details, and I would not share your beliefs. She may be fine with it, but it will still get around. Because you are in the military (well, you dh is, same thing), I would not want it spread around that small community.

 

Sorry you're having trouble finding a group to connect with. That is hard.:grouphug:

[texascamps]

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned how exclusive and "Snobby" your attitude sounds.

 

You said that you both have many things in common. If you would like to pursue this friendship then it will require YOU to understand and respect what makes up her personality. Do you really think she wants to convert you or do you think that maybe she wants your companionship when she goes to these things. Maybe she thinks that since you both have so much in common that you might enjoy these events, as well.

 

If you give her the "I'm above organized religion" or "I'm not into that Christian Crap" and no matter how politely you try to explain that it how it may sound, then you may make her think that its YOU who are judging her, for being unsophisticated. If you haven't noticed, practicing Christians aren't too popular these days. Earthy religions are certainly the good guys these days.

 

Perhaps a "You know, I'm not Christian, do YOU still want me to come? I'd like to know more about your interests though." sounds better and doesn't alienate her. She invited you, after all. It takes reall Huevos to invite someone to something like a religious event or outing.

 

Are you so intolerant and closedminded that you can't enjoy a Homeschool function where they might invoke the G word or the J word? Are you so shaky in your beliefs that a Christian Barbecue might just ruin you?

 

I've never turned down an invite to a religious event, ritual, ceremony from someone not of my faith and in return I've eaten some of the best food, had the best laughs, and made the nicest friends. I've been to Buddhist weddings, Hindu events that I didn't even know what they were, suppers with Muslim women where the men stayed in another room, harmonic convergences, feast days...... Like I said, it takes guts to invite someone to something as intimate and personal as a religious event. Take it as a compliment.

 

Its awfully exclusive to just outright reject any invite because you (push up your nose) just don't believe in it. Do you want folks to think you are friendly and open or one of those Pagans that hides out in their homes, who looks down on religous people?

 

Perception works both ways.

[Nakia]

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned how exclusive and "Snobby" your attitude sounds.

 

You said that you both have many things in common. If you would like to pursue this friendship then it will require YOU to understand and respect what makes up her personality. Do you really think she wants to convert you or do you think that maybe she wants your companionship when she goes to these things. Maybe she thinks that since you both have so much in common that you might enjoy these events, as well.

 

If you give her the "I'm above organized religion" or "I'm not into that Christian Crap" and no matter how politely you try to explain that it how it may sound, then you may make her think that its YOU who are judging her, for being unsophisticated. If you haven't noticed, practicing Christians aren't too popular these days. Earthy religions are certainly the good guys these days.

 

Perhaps a "You know, I'm not Christian, do YOU still want me to come? I'd like to know more about your interests though." sounds better and doesn't alienate her. She invited you, after all. It takes reall Huevos to invite someone to something like a religious event or outing.

 

Are you so intolerant and closedminded that you can't enjoy a Homeschool function where they might invoke the G word or the J word? Are you so shaky in your beliefs that a Christian Barbecue might just ruin you?

 

I've never turned down an invite to a religious event, ritual, ceremony from someone not of my faith and in return I've eaten some of the best food, had the best laughs, and made the nicest friends. I've been to Buddhist weddings, Hindu events that I didn't even know what they were, suppers with Muslim women where the men stayed in another room, harmonic convergences, feast days...... Like I said, it takes guts to invite someone to something as intimate and personal as a religious event. Take it as a compliment.

 

Its awfully exclusive to just outright reject any invite because you (push up your nose) just don't believe in it. Do you want folks to think you are friendly and open or one of those Pagans that hides out in their homes, who looks down on religous people?

 

Perception works both ways.

 

 

Well, I think that is pretty darn harsh! Obviously, runamuk has been hurt in the past, and she is looking for support.

 

I totally agree with Tree House Academy!!

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned how exclusive and "Snobby" your attitude sounds.

 

You said that you both have many things in common. If you would like to pursue this friendship then it will require YOU to understand and respect what makes up her personality. Do you really think she wants to convert you or do you think that maybe she wants your companionship when she goes to these things. Maybe she thinks that since you both have so much in common that you might enjoy these events, as well.

 

If you give her the "I'm above organized religion" or "I'm not into that Christian Crap" and no matter how politely you try to explain that it how it may sound, then you may make her think that its YOU who are judging her, for being unsophisticated. If you haven't noticed, practicing Christians aren't too popular these days. Earthy religions are certainly the good guys these days.

 

Perhaps a "You know, I'm not Christian, do YOU still want me to come? I'd like to know more about your interests though." sounds better and doesn't alienate her. She invited you, after all. It takes reall Huevos to invite someone to something like a religious event or outing.

 

Are you so intolerant and closedminded that you can't enjoy a Homeschool function where they might invoke the G word or the J word? Are you so shaky in your beliefs that a Christian Barbecue might just ruin you?

 

I've never turned down an invite to a religious event, ritual, ceremony from someone not of my faith and in return I've eaten some of the best food, had the best laughs, and made the nicest friends. I've been to Buddhist weddings, Hindu events that I didn't even know what they were, suppers with Muslim women where the men stayed in another room, harmonic convergences, feast days...... Like I said, it takes guts to invite someone to something as intimate and personal as a religious event. Take it as a compliment.

 

Its awfully exclusive to just outright reject any invite because you (push up your nose) just don't believe in it. Do you want folks to think you are friendly and open or one of those Pagans that hides out in their homes, who looks down on religous people?

 

Perception works both ways.

Wow! Issues?

bean dip, anyone?

[secular_mom]

Wow!

[secular_mom]

I agree with what some others have said. Just firmly establish a boundary that the subject is not 'discussable' for you. I'd let her know that I'd been deeply hurt in the past due to disclosing/discussing my beliefs and ask her to please not pursue the topic. Then I'd change the subject to something light, "Gee, Johnny had a GREAT time at the park last week playing xyz with your kid/s!"

Lots of hugs, I know it's really hard for you, especially where you are currently located. I would NOT want to be upfront and risk losing a friend either- especially considering you don't HAVE any other hsing friends.

[WTMCassandra]

You can truthfully say "I have lost friends by discussing religion and I don't want to lose you, so I don't want to discuss it." How can she argue with that?

 

Now this is genius. I like this.

[in Training in Texas]

Wow! Thinking outside the box, and one answer that has considered the POV of the inviting friend... a little harsh, but I'm impressed with the completely different perspective. I could probably use you, texascamps, to straighten me out in a few areas.

[Barb_]

Holy Cow, I don't know where you got:

 

If you give her the "I'm above organized religion" or "I'm not into that Christian Crap"

 

...from this:

 

 

She has asked me to go with her to her church and her homeschool group several times and I don't know how to politely decline without hurting our friendship.

 

and this:

 

 

So, is there a way to handle this without losing my friend?

 

She said the group would require her to sign a statement of faith (which she obviously cannot do) and in the past her faith had caused trouble for her husband professionally. It's a bit of a leap to go from that reality to calling her snobby, exclusive, intolerant and close-minded which is honestly beside the point because personal attacks are against board rules. You really owe the OP an apology.

[Garga]

Was Texascamps saying that the op was those things, or that the Christian might perceive the op as those things?

 

The last line texascamps wrote said, 'perception goes both ways.'

 

Yes, it was a tough post, but I think (and I'm just guessing) that she was trying to say that maybe the Christian friend could be hurt in this, too, which is what the op was concerned about, so maybe they're on the same page? Dunno.

[Barb_]

Was Texascamps saying that the op was those things, or that the Christian might perceive the op as those things?

 

The last line texascamps wrote said, 'perception goes both ways.'

 

Yes, it was a tough post, but I think (and I'm just guessing) that she was trying to say that maybe the Christian friend could be hurt in this, too, which is what the op was concerned about, so maybe they're on the same page? Dunno.

 

Are we reading the same post?

[OnTheBrink]

I can't stand any sort of pretense in a friendship. So, imho, you need to be honest with her. Personally, I'd be hurt if a friend hid from me or dodged from me her true beliefs. How deep you'd want to go into your beliefs is up to you, but I'd not hide it. Personally, I can't hide my beliefs from people; it's too much of who I am. I'd have a horrid time trying to hide it.

 

However, I don't really understand how being in the military affects what you tell people, so maybe my opinion doesn't fit with the situation.

[Garga]

Nevermind. I just re-read the post. I don't think I want to talk about it anymore.... Don't want things to get off track from the op.

 

Back to the op question:

 

Be very gracious about the invitations, but eventually you'll have to come out and tell her no thank you. Or you could go and see what it's like just once, and then tell her afterwards that it wasn't for you.

[Avila]

I don't have any words of wisdom, just a BTDT and some encouragement, I hope.

 

I often can't join homeschool groups because we are Catholic, and I am unwilling (I feel unable really) to sign the statement of faith. One of the groups won't even let us in their spelling bee! I don't have the military issue going on though, so I am usually very upfront, so I don't invest time and energy into a relationship that just isn't going anywhere for me or the kids.

 

One of my closest friends and I actually met this way at a homeschool park day. I said, "I'm Catholic. Is that a problem?" She said, "Not if you don't think it is a problem that I am an atheist." And we both laughed.

 

I try to be respectful of other people and their beliefs, but there is no reason for me or them to be uncomfortable OR for my kids to be put into situations that are beyond their scope at their ages to deal with it either.

 

Good luck and best wishes on this! There are lots of other people out there in the same boat as you, so if this doesn't work, something else will.

[Melissa B]

I can't stand any sort of pretense in a friendship. So, imho, you need to be honest with her. Personally, I'd be hurt if a friend hid from me or dodged from me her true beliefs. How deep you'd want to go into your beliefs is up to you, but I'd not hide it. Personally, I can't hide my beliefs from people; it's too much of who I am. I'd have a horrid time trying to hide it.

 

However, I don't really understand how being in the military affects what you tell people, so maybe my opinion doesn't fit with the situation.

 

 

 

This is interesting to me. I don't see that choosing to keep something private should hurt a friend (even a good one.) I keep lots of things private. I keep much of my personal history and medical history private. I keep many political beliefs private. I keep our financial situation private. And I keep our religious beliefs private. I have found that good friends respect one another's privacy and don't feel a need to have everything out in the open in order to have a pleasant, friendly relationship.

 

I think that simply declining to go is being honest. I don't really see why a friend would feel she has the "right" to know anything about another friend. Determining how to decline respectfully and sincerely without choosing to share private information to me is considerate and honest.

 

So I am simply curious, why would others be offended at not being told of a friend's religious beliefs?

[runamuk]

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned how exclusive and "Snobby" your attitude sounds.

 

You said that you both have many things in common. If you would like to pursue this friendship then it will require YOU to understand and respect what makes up her personality. Do you really think she wants to convert you or do you think that maybe she wants your companionship when she goes to these things. Maybe she thinks that since you both have so much in common that you might enjoy these events, as well.

 

If you give her the "I'm above organized religion" or "I'm not into that Christian Crap" and no matter how politely you try to explain that it how it may sound, then you may make her think that its YOU who are judging her, for being unsophisticated. If you haven't noticed, practicing Christians aren't too popular these days. Earthy religions are certainly the good guys these days.

 

Perhaps a "You know, I'm not Christian, do YOU still want me to come? I'd like to know more about your interests though." sounds better and doesn't alienate her. She invited you, after all. It takes reall Huevos to invite someone to something like a religious event or outing.

 

Are you so intolerant and closedminded that you can't enjoy a Homeschool function where they might invoke the G word or the J word? Are you so shaky in your beliefs that a Christian Barbecue might just ruin you?

 

I've never turned down an invite to a religious event, ritual, ceremony from someone not of my faith and in return I've eaten some of the best food, had the best laughs, and made the nicest friends. I've been to Buddhist weddings, Hindu events that I didn't even know what they were, suppers with Muslim women where the men stayed in another room, harmonic convergences, feast days...... Like I said, it takes guts to invite someone to something as intimate and personal as a religious event. Take it as a compliment.

 

Its awfully exclusive to just outright reject any invite because you (push up your nose) just don't believe in it. Do you want folks to think you are friendly and open or one of those Pagans that hides out in their homes, who looks down on religous people?

 

Perception works both ways.

 

I guess I didn't make it clear in my original post that I'm not anti-Christian or any other faith, for that matter. I have attended religious and social events in the past, not only with my husband's family but also with our friends. I'm quiet and respectful during the prayers offered at the family events with my husband's unit and I don't expect anyone to avoid talking about their religion. I know that other's beliefs are as important to them as mine are to me and I enjoy the chance to get to know a different faith - and my friends - better.

 

I also don't mind attending homeschool functions where there is mention of the Bible or anyone in it. What I don't want to attend is a homeschool group or meeting that turns into a religous service. I don't imagine that you would feel comfortable attending a group that revolves around pagan beliefs.

 

I do know that for someone to invite me to their church services or events is an honor. Many churches are very close knit (at least they were where I grew up) and are an extended family. I have accepted those invitations I've felt comfortable with and politely declined those that I did not. I do not feel that I'm above anyone because of my beliefs and I will say again that I'm not anti-Christian.

 

As for closeminded and intolerant, unfortunately that's the reaction many Christians have had to me. There have been a small number of people in my life that have accepted my beliefs without comment other than to ask me about them. They have been far outweighed by the people assume that I haven't read the Bible, haven't been shown the way, insist that I will never enter Heaven because I haven't been saved, that I will burn in Hell because I don't believe exactly the same way they do. All I have to go on are my past experiences and most of them haven't been very good ones.

 

I don't go about announcing my beliefs because of the military community we must live and work in. Being a pagan in a primarily Christian environment is not readily accepted. I have been treated unfairly while accepting those around me without questioning the state of their soul or the name of their holy book. As for not telling my friend about my paganism, I don't want to lose her friendship. I've heard many people here tell me I should be open with her and let the chips fall where they may, and I would like to do that. However, the reprecussions may affect my husband and make future events very uncomfortable. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but the closeness of the military units and their families is very important. We draw our support from one another and are able talk about things that many civilians don't understand about military life. We call each other every day and cry on each other's shoulders when our husbands are sent to Iraq. We worry together and vent together and talk about what it's like to uproot your family every three years. We're each other's family because our own are so far away. To lose that makes a tour of duty anywhere much harder than it should be. So yes, I'm concerned with the affect my beliefs may have on me and my family.

 

I feel very fortunate to have found these forums where I can be myself and ask questions such as these. Thank you all for your advice, words of wisdom, and support. It really does make a difference to me.

 

Bean dip anyone? :)

[texascamps]

Boy,people sure are quick to judge on here! Iguess I should have included more smiley faces and popcornboxes. :chillpill:I will try to clarify my position.

 

Perception goes both ways. If you want to keep your religion a secret then fine, but if its part of you and you intend to be friends with this person beyond the occasional "howdy" in passing then you need to be upfront or they will sense you are hiding something from them. And when people sense you are hiding something, they fear the worst....right?

 

Oh, those friendship traps we can get ourselves into when we assume we know what the other person will do and say! The author sounds like a righteous girl wanting to do the right thing and avoid the possible disappointment. But what about the friend? Your wording can really offend the friend! Something to consider since you mentioned how it could hurt your husband's standing. Wasn't that the glue that made the initial situation "sticky" in the first place?

 

 

And no, I was not calling the author, conceited, snobby or any of those things. Just the perception. My point was about how she is already condemning her new friend when she doesn't really know what she will do. In addition, those feelings of exclusion, derision and condemnation she has felt from others in the past may be just the feelings she gives her new friend. The new friend may be really hurt if the friend doesn't have a clear idea of why. She may think that her assumptions about you are wrong. (we don't have much in common, she doesn't really like me, she only puts up with me) You don't have to embrace her faith, but it seems to me that judging her faith already, is doing to her what you think she might do to you. Golly, a homeschooling group is already filled with a group of women used to being made fun of, you know you must have something in common with them.

 

It depends on how close you'd like to be with this friend....Maybe you can put off any kind of refusal for a while until you know her better and her feelings about religion in general. Feel her out a little more, get her to know how great you are before you share with her.

 

I was invited to dinner to a person house of a different faith. They seemed edgy and nervous. They were apologetic because they didn't have anything to drink other than juice. I felt weird because I didn't know how to act in their house or at their table. Toward the end of the evening the wife said almost sadly "You must think we are a little silly." She was worried of my perception of her conservative, religious, non drinking values, etc. when I was worried about her perception of me, drinker, smoker, worldly type!! Of course, when we realized that we were both being paranoid, we became the best of friends, still are over a decade later.

 

Everyone out there has a story about how miscommunication or a wrong assumption has ruined a great friendship! Marriage! Superbowl! Stimulus Package! I'd hate for anyone to throw some relationship away, in its infancy, because you already know how its going to turn out!

 

Maybe any action at all is premature!

 

Anyone?:bigear:

[Frankie]

Holy cow.

 

I'll be very honest with you: This is the very attitude that keeps me away from homeschool co-ops, and I am a Christian.

 

Wow.

 

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned how exclusive and "Snobby" your attitude sounds.

 

You said that you both have many things in common. If you would like to pursue this friendship then it will require YOU to understand and respect what makes up her personality. Do you really think she wants to convert you or do you think that maybe she wants your companionship when she goes to these things. Maybe she thinks that since you both have so much in common that you might enjoy these events, as well.

 

If you give her the "I'm above organized religion" or "I'm not into that Christian Crap" and no matter how politely you try to explain that it how it may sound, then you may make her think that its YOU who are judging her, for being unsophisticated. If you haven't noticed, practicing Christians aren't too popular these days. Earthy religions are certainly the good guys these days.

 

Perhaps a "You know, I'm not Christian, do YOU still want me to come? I'd like to know more about your interests though." sounds better and doesn't alienate her. She invited you, after all. It takes reall Huevos to invite someone to something like a religious event or outing.

 

Are you so intolerant and closedminded that you can't enjoy a Homeschool function where they might invoke the G word or the J word? Are you so shaky in your beliefs that a Christian Barbecue might just ruin you?

 

I've never turned down an invite to a religious event, ritual, ceremony from someone not of my faith and in return I've eaten some of the best food, had the best laughs, and made the nicest friends. I've been to Buddhist weddings, Hindu events that I didn't even know what they were, suppers with Muslim women where the men stayed in another room, harmonic convergences, feast days...... Like I said, it takes guts to invite someone to something as intimate and personal as a religious event. Take it as a compliment.

 

Its awfully exclusive to just outright reject any invite because you (push up your nose) just don't believe in it. Do you want folks to think you are friendly and open or one of those Pagans that hides out in their homes, who looks down on religous people?

 

Perception works both ways.

[dawn of ns]

And no, I was not calling the author, conceited, snobby or any of those things. Just the perception.

 

I think your perception of her post is something you are responsible for. No one, including other Christians, seemed to get the same impression so it's probably safe to assume you read things into the post that weren't there.