Anyone want to listen?

[TexasProud]

I just need to process and have no one to do it with, so as usual, the hive. Part of it is just helping me to write it out. I am in a serious funk. Looking objectively:

1. The activities I led in the summer are over. All of my friends are back at work and regular activities. I miss interacting with people on a regular basis.
2. We leave two weeks from today for a 5 week RV trip. I can't do much to pack for it yet because hubby has power off while he creates and connects a huge solar system.  He has been talking endlessly about it, asking my opinion, showing me how he is connecting it and I know that helps him to think through it ( sort of like I do here), but it is all Greek to me. I don't understand it and don't care other than I want it to work. LOL.
3.  I have a UTI and possibly a reaction to the antibiotic...  So I don't feel great.
4. On one of our morning walks, we talked about Christmas as the music director was asking me if I would be there for Christmas Eve service... No. All of his family is getting together for Christmas. All of the nieces and nephews and their kids will be here. His mom is doing well in her 80's, but it can all turn on a dime.  I get this.  And so basically, we will be spending all of our Christmases there until MIL passes away.  It makes sense. I get it. I can do it after she dies. But the truth is, if she is like her mother, then she will be in good shape mentally and reasonable shape physically for 10-15 years and then she will slowly lose her mental faculites. Her mom died at 102.  My voice has already deteriorated from lack of use. Honestly, in 15 years, I doubt it will be passable. It barely is now.  And yes, guys, I understand that I could be practicing daily. I have said it before, I won't/can't without something to be working toward, without outside accountability.  Anyway, the thought of never being able to do Christmas music programs made me want to sob ( though I didn't.)  And no, I don't have to go.  I get that. But then I would be at the house by myself while my children and all the rest of the family that I do truly like would be getting together. So why in the heck do i even care about a program that no one will remember in a month much less a couple of years. 
5. I am slowly getting rid of all my writing. I shut down the store for my devotion. I shut down my mailing list and the po box. I have nothing to say anymore. Not that anyone will care.  Again, I know I can do it on my own, but I don't edit and such and make it really really good unless I am doing it for the public.  I need to stop the payments for my one paid subscriber for my newsletter. 
6. I do have a lot of projects to work on, but I am procrastinating on a lot of them.  

• My newsletter which will be about the exchange program is nearly finished, but not nearly good enough. I am tempted just not to do it at all. I know part of that is because when it is published, I know it will be shared with the national organization and get a lot of eyes, which terrifies me. Plus, my piece just feels like it isn't good enough when they had articles this year from the LA Times and I think New York times....  I mean, really, who am I ....  And if I don't do it no one will care.
• I am on the board of an organization that does work in Honduras. We are having a big dinner/fundraiser in October.  I already wrote my table talking points, though my husband did a revision to make them so much better. I am currently making 2 videos for them.  Almost done with the first one that I have to turn in tomorrow. (Hence, why it is actually being finished.) I have received all the clips from Honduras for the second one and will be putting them together soon.
• Personnel Committee at church asked me to make a video for our pastor's 10th anniversary.  I have tons from the mission field and stuff, but none from church and no one has any. The children's minister is out on maternity leave, but she said she may have some. I will work on this video in September when we are on the trip.
• I should be writing my podcast. But I just gave up. I do like it, so maybe after our trip, I will have some fresh inspiration. I had a break scheduled for the month of September, but I just ran out of juice for this last half of August. 

7. I am buying planners like they are going out of style. I am spending time surfing for planners...as if that can give me some kind of organization in this chaos. There is no planner that will help me figure out what to do.  I don't have a clue what my overall goal should be that I want to accomplish.. And I am EXTREMELY task focused and for me not to have some kind of goal I am working on is unsettling. I feel lost, like a balloon that someone grabs and then I float until someone else grabs me. This is our schedule for the rest of the year: (Don's quote as I will delete.)

I just feel incredibly lost. So incredibly lost today.  I approached the church staff about doing a churchwide devotion again this fall, which he was going to ask me about anyway. Waiting for him to figure out the theme (Gave him several ideas.) I wanted to spend next week recruiting and then I just have to edit while I am gone on the RV trip. They will just be 21 400ish word devotions.  We are not doing the 40 days like I have done in the past.  Another staff member will figure out all the graphics and format the devotion. I will film the people when I am home in October and then make the videos to upload to Facebook. But again, the other staff member will take care of all of the uploading and all of that. Another staff member will proofread.   I have done 4 of these in the past, and I enjoy it.  So maybe that will give me some focus.  

But I am drawn to planners, but I struggle.  I don't know. Just lost.  

Oh... and the website for the other nonprofit is still down.  I have an idea to just do a one page landing page and have that be it.  But who knows.  And really, it depends on what I want to do because no one else will do it.  So I can certainly choose to do nothing. We just won't have a webpage. We have po box that people can mail donations to. (We don't deal with them. We have a group doing that now.)

I just feel lost and untethered...

Edited August 21 by TexasProud

[prairiewindmomma]

I see a pattern repeatedly in your posts that points to singing/performing as something you love way more than church admin/writing stuff. The emotional undercurrent seems to be that view writing about the missions and devotions as something you feel obligated to do, and might have some talent/training to do well….but your joy comes from singing.

[prairiewindmomma]

Also, I dont think you are lost. I think you likely feel anxious/out of control. You view planners as a way to bring a sense of control back. 

[TexasProud]

 

2 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I see a pattern repeatedly in your posts that points to singing/performing as something you love way more than church admin/writing stuff. The emotional undercurrent seems to be that view writing about the missions and devotions as something you feel obligated to do, and might have some talent/training to do well….but your joy comes from singing.

No, I got burned out of being a children's choir director at our church for 20 years and then teaching music at a private school for 5 years. Our music minister just said to me, "You don't miss it.  Do you?"  And no, I don't really.  So I was ready.  And I have enjoyed the writing.  Though my absolute favorite was the creative writing and writing for publication classes as seminary.  It was just so fun to listen to others and comment and help and have them do the same for you. I felt like I was heard.  It was great.  I keep trying to join various writing groups like that and with my schedule I just don't make the meetings, even if they are online. 

That is the other thing.  I am part of several Patreon Groups that I really like, and something always comes up.. One is a spiritual direction group and the other is the Artists for Joy. 

But yes, singing is probably my joy.  It was when I was a kid. That is for sure. 

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Also, I dont think you are lost. I think you likely feel anxious/out of control. You view planners as a way to bring a sense of control back. 

Yes, exactly.  Did I not write that? Yes, it is my way of bringing or trying to bring order into chaos.  Except it doesn/t work.

A friend's dad died and I was with her at the hospital for most of the day one day.  Then another half a day for the funeral.  And that is valuable.  I know it is.  And I know this isn't something unique.  But yes, I have a craving for order and intimacy that I cannot scratch.

[73349]

In your shoes, I would absolutely be buying (or, let's be honest, trying to design from scratch) all the planners in hopes of feeling like things are under control. You have a flurry of things on the calendar ahead!

Just to throw out some thoughts, because I am not a Good Listener--ignore if you like...

Any chance you could join in the music at MIL's church (or one near her) at Christmas?

What if instead of writing podcast episodes, you jotted down a list of interesting ideas for when you get back to it? Then it's not a "should" on your list until you come back from your planned break.

Keep drinking water! I hope you feel better soon.

[regentrude]

I have written this before, and will do it again: you need peace and doing NOTHING to come to rest.
Looking at your schedule you shared, it is obvious to me that you cannot possibly find a rhythm or become centered because you are too busy being busy to keep your self from sitting still. 

I had a busy summer, with travel and family visits and activities, and then prepared for work. I feel tangibly that my psyche has gotten out of equilibrium, I am not centered and creative, feel out of sorts. I know that in order to restore peace, I need to be still and not squash down the deep thought through constant frantic activity.

My suggestion for you, as it has been so many times before, is to embark on a meditative practice, with stillness. That will bring clarity. Making choices is an unavoidable part of life, but you can learn to make peace with it.

Hope you feel better soon.

Edited August 19 by regentrude

[Clarita]

There is a difference between how people approach hobbies vs. something they want accolades for. Hobbies you do when you want to and how you want to do it. The accolade stuff you work on and sacrifice for, and often the people who achieve a lot in a particular thing/field sacrifice a lot to all for that thing. In other words they do that thing like it's a job and a lot of the time that thing is their job. 

Take some time to figure out whether you want accolades or hobbies. Then grieve and deal with the fact that it's not one or the other (aka wallow in pity over the fact that it's going to be one or the other).

In terms of working toward hobbies, you can work toward hobbies, you can get outside accountability via taking a class or getting a teacher without a Christmas performance. To have a performance means there is a time and schedule that you have to commit to, clearly you are unwilling to make those commitments.  

[Carol in Cal.]

Jesus took retreats.  He did not lead them.  He took them.  He rested and gathered His thoughts in quiet meditation and prayer, with few of his disciples around.  

God rested on the seventh day.

Go and to thou likewise.

Also:

You are too busy doing things you don’t really want to do.  You are not doing things that you really do want to do.  This is not the way to live longterm.

[catz]

You periodically write a post like this.  Maybe go through your history and look for patterns.  What I see is

• You seem anxious and/or depressed
• You are not good at setting boundaries.  
• You don't seem to know how to select your own preferences and priorities.  

All 3 of these things can be intertwined and can spiral.

You have a UTI at the moment and aren't feeling well.  So maybe forget about everything for a few days and prioritize resting and hydrating before getting ahead of yourself.  

Is the travel too much?  Start peeling stuff off. Say no on the holidays if you want to be home.  Or are you happy on the travels and then feel discontent when you get home and aren't feeling connected there?  Journaling might help you dig into your feelings on this.  People have suggested following  up on mental health before but that is always ignored, but I still think it could be useful.  Also, have you had a conversation with your husband about everything you wrote here all in a row like this?  If he thinks all is well, he will just keep on.  

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, catz said:

You periodically write a post like this.  Maybe go through your history and look for patterns.  What I see is

• You seem anxious and/or depressed
• You are not good at setting boundaries.  
• You don't seem to know how to select your own preferences and priorities.  

All 3 of these things can be intertwined and can spiral.

You have a UTI at the moment and aren't feeling well.  So maybe forget about everything for a few days and prioritize resting and hydrating before getting ahead of yourself.  

Is the travel too much?  Start peeling stuff off. Say no on the holidays if you want to be home.  Or are you happy on the travels and then feel discontent when you get home and aren't feeling connected there?  Journaling might help you dig into your feelings on this.  People have suggested following  up on mental health before but that is always ignored, but I still think it could be useful.  Also, have you had a conversation with your husband about everything you wrote here all in a row like this?  If he thinks all is well, he will just keep on.  

I definitely don't have a clue what I want.  And yes, I recognize that. If I knew, I would do it.  Example, I wanted to go to seminary and I did it. But I feel so lost.  I am trying to do the lifestyle centric planning that Cal Newport talks about.  So I have a little notebook and I write things down as I think of them or things that make me emotional or people I want to be like or whatever.  I have a little written down in there.  But other than that I don't know how to decide what I want. 

I told y'all this before that hubby and I talked about the traveling and so we decided to cut back in 2025.  Hence, notice I said we have nothing from February to middle of August 2025.  Well, he may go to Kenya in the summer, but I never go these days.  But I still have to survive until then.  Yes, that is exactly it.  I enjoy everything I do, but these transition times I am at a loss.  And honestly, yes I have talked about it, but his response is if we are going to do this, we need to do this now.  We may not be able to travel in 5 years. Heck, he may be dead in 5 years honestly.  We only have this time with my MIL....  My daughter's shows are when they are. I want to support my children and be there. That is a priority for me. I won't NOT do that. 

Anyway, not asking for solutions.  Just needed to talk. 

[TexasProud]

19 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Jesus took retreats.  He did not lead them.  He took them.  He rested and gathered His thoughts in quiet meditation and prayer, with few of his disciples around.  

God rested on the seventh day.

Go and to thou likewise.

Also:

You are too busy doing things you don’t really want to do.  You are not doing things that you really do want to do.  This is not the way to live longterm.

Ok, I have spent many days this summer doing absolutely nothing but reading a book, taking a bath, etc.  But I will be honest, a day or two is about all I can take at one time.  I need people.  I have rested.  In fact, if anything I feel too rested.  I have been bored a ton this summer since I chose not to travel.  I mean I did some stuff and some stuff was fun.     But after a day, I can't NOT do something....   

And when I am on the RV trip.  I love it.  When I am on the mission field, I love it.  When I am with his family, I love it.

But I miss being home and being part of a community.  And yes that is the choice I made.  But can I just vent on here? Please? I am just needing to tell someone how I feel.  I don't need you to fix it. 

[TexasProud]

Oh, somehow this never posted and disappeared.  But my days are just so fluid

My friend's dad went to the hospital and I went with her and he died, so I helped her for several days.

I spent 3 hours early this morning taking hubby to get his car fixed and there was a huge line and it was in the next town and we needed to run errands.  Anyway, 3 hours gone. with nothing to show for it. 

Just feeling so scattered and completely lost and like crap.n

a;o]if

 p

[marbel]

15 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Oh, somehow this never posted and disappeared.  But my days are just so fluid

My friend's dad went to the hospital and I went with her and he died, so I helped her for several days.

I spent 3 hours early this morning taking hubby to get his car fixed and there was a huge line and it was in the next town and we needed to run errands.  Anyway, 3 hours gone. with nothing to show for it. 

Just feeling so scattered and completely lost and like crap.n

a;o]if

 p

Most people's days are fluid. People keep calendars and planners so they can plug in what they need to do, and what they intend to do, but it doesn't always work out that they aren't derailed. You have the privilege of time that you can spend with a friend helping her after her father died. You don't have to take time off work, you don't have to worry about taking care of your kids. 

Re: the car: you have something to show for the 3 hours: a working car. You can afford the repairs and you have the luxury of taking the time to deal with the problem. I hope you and your husband went out for a nice lunch or coffee or something while you waited for it.

I agree with @regentrude  about rest. Real rest. Stay home, be alone with yourself and God. I'm willing to bet that when you are "doing nothing" you are fretting about what you should be doing. Without stopping for a time, you will never be able to find out what you really want to do. 

I hope you feel better soon. UTIs are terrible. 

[fairfarmhand]

So your church does a big to-do on Christmas eve? 

That feels kind of odd to me. Most of the churches in our area do their big Christmas programs a week or two before Christmas. Then there might be a small, quiet intimate Christmas eve. Maybe a guy with a guitar singing hymns. But anyway, the big to-do is over well before Christmas so that the people who put on these shows can have time and peace for their own families.

Could you maybe ask about that? Because then, you could participate in the big show for Christmas but still join your MIL for the big family too. And if your church does the big show, I would not be surprised if others face the same choice and would like to scale back for the actual Christmas Eve stuff.

Just musing. 

[TexasProud]

7 minutes ago, marbel said:

 

I agree with @regentrude  about rest. Real rest. Stay home, be alone with yourself and God. I'm willing to bet that when you are "doing nothing" you are fretting about what you should be doing. Without stopping for a time, you will never be able to find out what you really want to do. 

 

Yes, I am so now what.  I conciously chose to stay home this summer and rest.  And I have nothing to show for it. No clarity or anything. If anything I feel worse.  Literally I had weeks this summer with NOTHING on the agenda and much of that hubby wasn't here either.  So I don't know exactly what you guys are asking me to do.  I tried this. 

And I spend an hour just praying and meditating and quieting my thoughts every day.. But really, it just feels like ruminating to be honest.

[prairiewindmomma]

Vent away, and know that my comments below arent trying to “fix” you. I just want to bring clarity to what I meant as you look for what brings you joy.

Choir director = in charge and having to do the bureaucratic hassle

Teaching music = in charge

I think you like to *sing* and *perform*. I view that as being different than the above. Do you see a distinction there?

 

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

So your church does a big to-do on Christmas eve? 

That feels kind of odd to me. Most of the churches in our area do their big Christmas programs a week or two before Christmas. Then there might be a small, quiet intimate Christmas eve. Maybe a guy with a guitar singing hymns. But anyway, the big to-do is over well before Christmas so that the people who put on these shows can have time and peace for their own families.

Could you maybe ask about that? Because then, you could participate in the big show for Christmas but still join your MIL for the big family too. And if your church does the big show, I would not be surprised if others face the same choice and would like to scale back for the actual Christmas Eve stuff.

Just musing. 

No Christmas Eve isn't the big show.  But I won't be at the big show because we will be at the mission conference that weekend.  I am, however, running a Longest Night Service.  I did it last year and people really appreciated it and looking foward to it again.  But it is a very, sedate service.  But yes, I am tweaking the script for it right now.  So I am doing something. 

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, TexasProud said:

No Christmas Eve isn't the big show.  But I won't be at the big show because we will be at the mission conference that weekend.  I am, however, running a Longest Night Service.  I did it last year and people really appreciated it and looking foward to it again.  But it is a very, sedate service.  But yes, I am tweaking the script for it right now.  So I am doing something. 

So can't you in the future do the Christmas show instead of mission's conference? If it's that important to you.

[TexasProud]

Just now, prairiewindmomma said:

Vent away, and know that my comments below arent trying to “fix” you. I just want to bring clarity to what I meant as you look for what brings you joy.

Choir director = in charge and having to do the bureaucratic hassle

Teaching music = in charge

I think you like to *sing* and *perform*. I view that as being different than the above. Do you see a distinction there?

 

Yes, but I was barely talented enough to do it when I was younger. Now, at nearly 60 my voice is deteriorating (You know the control the vibrato thing.)

Yes, I see the distinction, but that ship has sailed.  I CAN be a member of the choir and will do that.  Going to practice tomorrow night. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

So can't you in the future do the Christmas show instead of mission's conference? If it's that important to you.

It isn't a show exactly.  It is big orchestra and 3 big choir numbers. Kids nativity. Etc.  It isn't a musical or anything.  I could.  But  I really enjoy the mission conference as the leaders get together and share stories and you get tips about trips and training (like we went through a kidnapping drill).  It is the only time we see these other leaders. It is a great sharing time.  That said, we didn't go last year because our best friend's dad died and we went to the funeral in Louisiana and helped them move their mom's stuff into the memory care unit here.  But yes, I may not go next year.  But I really missed not going last year.  But really, this isn't a musical. So I could take it or leave it.  I mean I enjoy singing. 

[TexasProud]

And I am very serious and not being flippant.  I have had weeks and time over the last couple of years where I have tried to be quiet and still.  After a day or two, I am binging something on tv.  I don't know how to do what you guys are asking me to do.  I just don't. 

[TexasProud]

nevermind

Edited August 21 by TexasProud

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Sorry..quoted by accident

Can you ask for a back rub? Even if it doesn't lead to anything else, your dh would probably love to hear that you're missing his touch. 

Edited August 19 by fairfarmhand

[TexasProud]

And yet I am hiding here in my room.  Hubby got home from the dentist and is eating.  But I just don't want to hear anymore about the stupid solar system.  I just don't. 

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, TexasProud said:

And yet I am hiding here in my room.  Hubby got home from the dentist and is eating.  But I just don't want to hear anymore about the stupid solar system.  I just don't. 

I HEAR YOU! I married a verbal processor. Engineer, so he can blab on and on about complicated things and I know my eyes glaze over...but it helps him to say it out loud.

[QueenCat]

13 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

No Christmas Eve isn't the big show.  But I won't be at the big show because we will be at the mission conference that weekend.  I am, however, running a Longest Night Service.  I did it last year and people really appreciated it and looking foward to it again.  But it is a very, sedate service.  But yes, I am tweaking the script for it right now.  So I am doing something. 

That's a choice... you can choose to do the big show or do the conference. Despite what your brain may say, it's a choice.

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

I HEAR YOU! I married a verbal processor. Engineer, so he can blab on and on about complicated things and I know my eyes glaze over...but it helps him to say it out loud.

Well, and to be fair so am I.  And I know he struggles to keep his eyes from glazing over.   But I am just so ready for him to get this finished.  He has been planning for months. Diagrams now pieces taped up in the bay of the RV.  I listened to him explain that yesterday.  But yeah, you get it!!

[TexasProud]

Just now, QueenCat said:

That's a choice... you can choose to do the big show or do the conference. Despite what your brain may say, it's a choice.

I know.  But if I do the show, then I will be very sad I missed my friends. 

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, TexasProud said:

I know.  But if I do the show, then I will be very sad I missed my friends. 

Yep. It stinks being human and being limited by space and time. That's reality though. I have to learn to focus on the things that I am ENJOYING vs. the things that I am MISSING OUT ON.

[TexasProud]

And I realize that I am privieleged.  As I mean poor poor Texas Proud....should she do a show or a conference when people are taking care of their disabled child or starving in Africa.  I get it.  But I don't know how to stop.......................  

 But also why you guys are the only ones that ever hear about this. None of my friends know anything about these secret thoughts.

[QueenCat]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I know.  But if I do the show, then I will be very sad I missed my friends. 

It sounds like you know which is more important to you. Just own it & move on.

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

None of my friends know anything about these secret thoughts.

Maybe it would help you to talk to people IRL? So you could stop playacting?

[marbel]

We all, to some degree, suffer from FOMO. Choices are hard. 

Physical touch... that isn't just about teA. Do you snuggle on the couch while watching tv/a move, sit close to each other when you are both reading, hold hands when walking?  I know it's not the same, of course, but if it's physical contact you crave, you can still have that, at least. 

[fairfarmhand]

You know, my oldest dd would struggle with this stuff pretty bad. She was an extrovert and wanted to do ALLLL the things and even while she was enjoying one thing she would mourn missing out on the other thing. I would encourage her to share those things. and we'd imagine "What if we could split in half for the day and attend both things? Or what if I had a twin who could attend for me and then absorb back into my body so I could remember and enjoy both events. WOuldn't that be fun?" 

[marbel]

Does your husband at least know that you feel so scattered and lost? Or do you hide this stuff from him too? (You have probably talked about this in past threads, but I don't remember.)

[TexasProud]

On 8/19/2024 at 1:24 PM, marbel said:

 

 

Edited August 21 by TexasProud

[prairiewindmomma]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Nope. That has never been his thing.

If you need it, ask for it. It may not be how he is naturally wired but they are behaviors he can learn.

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, marbel said:

Does your husband at least know that you feel so scattered and lost? Or do you hide this stuff from him too? (You have probably talked about this in past threads, but I don't remember.)

To a certain extent. But he can't fix it. He more often than not expects me to tell HIM what he should do.  I mean.  He listens, but doesn't feel like he can change anything. So here we are. 

I mean. He has to be busy.  You think I am bad, but he is me on steroids.  When I was going to therapy when he was in his burnout faze before the stroke, my therapist suggested we sit on our porch swing for 30 minutes every day.  It was the most painful 30 minutes. Eventually, he brought his computer so we could plan the next trip.  He just cannot sit still.

[forty-two]

23 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, I have spent many days this summer doing absolutely nothing but reading a book, taking a bath, etc.  But I will be honest, a day or two is about all I can take at one time.  I need people.  I have rested.  In fact, if anything I feel too rested.  I have been bored a ton this summer since I chose not to travel.  I mean I did some stuff and some stuff was fun.     But after a day, I can't NOT do something....   

And when I am on the RV trip.  I love it.  When I am on the mission field, I love it.  When I am with his family, I love it.

But I miss being home and being part of a community.  And yes that is the choice I made.  But can I just vent on here? Please? I am just needing to tell someone how I feel.  I don't need you to fix it. 

This board is something like 80% introverts, and it shows with stuff like this.  "Needing people" sounds like "unable to be alone with oneself" and that sounds like a big, honking problem to an introvert.  (And it *does* suck to be an introvert who becomes unable to be alone with herself.)  I used to think that it was essential for everyone to be able to be alone with themselves, but now idk.  My middle dd is more emotion-based than logic-based and she loves to be with people, and she's stuck in a house with a bunch of super logical introverts, poor kid.  I'm trying hard to learn and grow for her, but I really fell down on the "it's important to be able to be alone with yourself" thing.  She got the message it was important to be able to do, and she tried her hardest to change herself, to not be with people even when she really wanted to, and ended up feeling lonely and depressed and rejected.  I didn't find out how she was feeling till it all came to a head, and it has definitely made me question is the ability to be alone with yourself is really the end all, be all.  Maybe it's just one good thing among many, and if you lack it, it *is* a lack, but not one that *has* to be solved in order to have a good life.

And wrt to feeling better when active, I don't think that's necessarily all bad, either.  I have anxiety and depression, and tbh, I do better when I have *less* free time (to a point).  There's a sweet spot of moderate good activity with sufficient-but-not-excessive time to rest that does me better than copious amounts of free time.  It's definitely true being too busy to avoid addressing real problems is not good, but deliberately doing some good activity to avoid setting off anxiety/depression brain?  I think that's a net plus, myself.  I've realized that, thanks to anxiety and depression, I *don't* do well completely alone, with no one but myself to set the day's structure.  I'm working on it, because I'm an introvert and like to be alone (so I need to be able to be alone without falling apart), and because it scares me, just how fast I spiral when left to my own devices - I don't want to be like that.  But a lot of my solving involves deliberately bringing in some outside interaction in ways that help to maintain a basic structure to the day.

I do agree with pp that being sick probably is affecting how you feel about all this - I'd wait till you are feeling better to make drastic changes. I know that even feeling mildly under the weather messes with my mental health something fierce.

[TexasProud]

Also, I have realized that I do not know how to be with people unless I am doing an activity, and that includes my children.  Otherwise, we just sit in silence. I like being with people DOING something if that makes sense. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, forty-two said:

This board is something like 80% introverts, and it shows with stuff like this.  "Needing people" sounds like "unable to be alone with oneself" and that sounds like a big, honking problem to an introvert.  (And it *does* suck to be an introvert who becomes unable to be alone with herself.)  I used to think that it was essential for everyone to be able to be alone with themselves, but now idk.  My middle dd is more emotion-based than logic-based and she loves to be with people, and she's stuck in a house with a bunch of super logical introverts, poor kid.  I'm trying hard to learn and grow for her, but I really fell down on the "it's important to be able to be alone with yourself" thing.  She got the message it was important to be able to do, and she tried her hardest to change herself, to not be with people even when she really wanted to, and ended up feeling lonely and depressed and rejected.  I didn't find out how she was feeling till it all came to a head, and it has definitely made me question is the ability to be alone with yourself is really the end all, be all.  Maybe it's just one good thing among many, and if you lack it, it *is* a lack, but not one that *has* to be solved in order to have a good life.

And wrt to feeling better when active, I don't think that's necessarily all bad, either.  I have anxiety and depression, and tbh, I do better when I have *less* free time (to a point).  There's a sweet spot of moderate good activity with sufficient-but-not-excessive time to rest that does me better than copious amounts of free time.  It's definitely true being too busy to avoid addressing real problems is not good, but deliberately doing some good activity to avoid setting off anxiety/depression brain?  I think that's a net plus, myself.  I've realized that, thanks to anxiety and depression, I *don't* do well completely alone, with no one but myself to set the day's structure.  I'm working on it, because I'm an introvert and like to be alone (so I need to be able to be alone without falling apart), and because it scares me, just how fast I spiral when left to my own devices - I don't want to be like that.  But a lot of my solving involves deliberately bringing in some outside interaction in ways that help to maintain a basic structure to the day.

I do agree with pp that being sick probably is affecting how you feel about all this - I'd wait till you are feeling better to make drastic changes. I know that even feeling mildly under the weather messes with my mental health something fierce.

Yes. Yes. Yes.  And I think when I am involved in the activities I do much better. The sweet spot of moderate activity.  I just don't have it and won't have it before we leave.  And yes, running to the bathroom doesn't help either, though the antibiotics are finally helping.  I've never bled and cramped when I have had this before. 

But thank you very much.  What you said made a lot of sense.  

[TexasProud]

And own the choice.  What the heck does that mean.  I don't get it.  I mean. Yes, I made a choice.  But I can still be sad about the choice, right? Or should I just stuff that feeling because I do feel it even though I  know.  YES I AM CHOOSING THIS>  i get it. 

[TexasProud]

On 8/19/2024 at 1:39 PM, prairiewindmomma said:

 

 

Edited August 21 by TexasProud

[Terabith]

You like traveling, and you feel morally obligated to travel constantly for your husband and others, but you really want to be rooted and grounded in a community, rather than running hither and yon.  
 

And that’s a really sucky dynamic. I would be a puddle with your schedule.  I would despise my life, even if each individual trip was valuable and I saw the good in it.  

[marbel]

So my husband is an engineer, and thus likes to fix things. When I get scattered and overwhelmed, I tell him, but I start with "you can't fix this." And he has learned to listen to me and keep his mouth shut unless/until I ask for advice.  It's hard for him because he is wired to fix things, but he loves me so he gives me what I need. And he would rather I tell him that hide it from him because he can't fix it. 

Though I will admit, if I start having a meltdown in the morning, say around 10am, he will ask "did you eat breakfast?" because he knows the answer is no. And I approve of him asking that. 🤣

Re: physical contact. I don't like snuggling on the couch while watching tv. I don't even really like watching tv all that much but if I do, I prefer to be able to sew or something to keep my hands busy while I watch. And physical touch isn't a big need of mine, in fact, too much and I get wigged out. (I guess "touched out" is the correct term.) But when we watch something, I snuggle up with him because it's a preference, I'll go so far as to say a need he has.  I do get restless and bored sometimes, but it pays off in our relationship overall. 

Spouses/partners sometimes go against their natural inclinations in order to care for the other person. 

I didn't type that all out to show that we are a superior couple. Just, we both learned how to do things to care for the other. Not being wired for something is a pretty poor excuse, in my opinion. (That doesn't mean I think people should do things they find abhorrent. morally wrong, painful, etc,; just to be clear.)

[prairiewindmomma]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I will. But it isn't the same as Tea.  But he was gone for 3 1/2 weeks and came back and got sick (I think it was Covid, but we didn't test as he wasn't going anywhere so it really didn't matter. He stayed home from church. I slept in a different room for a few nights.)  He is feeling much better and I was thinking about making a move and I get this stupid UTI, which means we probably should brew TeA for what a week after my symptoms.  Just so so frustrating.  And to be honest, I am a little like a man. When I drink TeA, I feel FABULOUS for several days.  I long for the 2 times a week instead of 5 times a year. I'm just tired...

You might consider buying an electric instant TeA pot, if you catch my drift. If the pinnacle of TeA drinking and the dopamine rush that comes with is something you crave, brew TeA on your own. I could not make it on five teacups a year. I am cranky without regular brewing. 

[regentrude]

20 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Also, I have realized that I do not know how to be with people unless I am doing an activity, and that includes my children.  Otherwise, we just sit in silence. I like being with people DOING something if that makes sense. 

You don't have things to talk about? Are you not interested in their lives? They don't want to share what's up with them? 

I talk to my mom who lives overseas for 30-60 minutes every day. We never run out of things, and she is a strong introvert. When my extrovert friend comes over, we talk for six hours straight.

My introverted DH and DS have animated conversations about areas of mutual interest.

What you describe seems completely alien to me. None of you feel comfortable opening up, and none of you are interested enough to ask questions about each other?

Edited August 19 by regentrude

[TexasProud]

On 8/19/2024 at 1:56 PM, prairiewindmomma said:

 

 

Edited August 21 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

Oh, I probably shouldn't have said, it isn't his thing.  It is.  But the problem is that we cuddle for more than a minute and I have sweat poring off of me. It is so incredibly frustrating. Neither of us are comfortable.  I do not have hot flashes, but I have always tended to be warmer when touching someone else and that had gone completely on overdrive.