Your perspective? It’s my mom.

[Indigo Blue]

19 minutes ago, wintermom said:

My dh has a wonderful way of dealing with situations where others have suggestions about what he should do, he simply says, "That's a good idea." Then moves on. It doesn't mean he is going to do it. He makes no more statements. Just acknowledges the other's suggestion. Just because a family member, friend or acquaintence makes a suggestion does not mean you have to do it, and for some people they just want their idea validated. Whether their suggestion is actually followed is none of their business in most cases. And truly, they'll likely forget about the entire conversation very quickly.

That’s a good idea!

Lol. 😁

No, seriously, it is. What a simple benign, and neutral thing to say. I’m going to remember it. 

[fraidycat]

5 hours ago, wintermom said:

My dh has a wonderful way of dealing with situations where others have suggestions about what he should do, he simply says, "That's a good idea." Then moves on. It doesn't mean he is going to do it. He makes no more statements. Just acknowledges the other's suggestion. Just because a family member, friend or acquaintence makes a suggestion does not mean you have to do it, and for some people they just want their idea validated. Whether their suggestion is actually followed is none of their business in most cases. And truly, they'll likely forget about the entire conversation very quickly.

Another one is "Well now, there's an idea" or "That's something to think about" which acknowledges an idea that is not necessarily good. 😁

[Clarita]

12 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

So, am I awful for not calling my husband? Is my mom being crazy and unreasonable when Dh and I are both grown adults who know when it’s time to check in with one another? 

No you are not. No she does not sound like she is actually concerned either. If she were concerned her tone would be more surprised and she let you get off the phone faster so you would have an opportunity to call him, instead of spending precious time berating you.

[Janeway]

You are not being an idiot, BUT, on that note, I would recommend caring toward your mom on this. She is in the wrong, but anything could be going on with her right now. How old is she? Our parents can struggle with their own emotional issues before we realize because we always see them as parents, not as people who need us, maybe even more than we need them. I actually think it is kind of sweet that she is worried about your husband. 

I would just send her the text that he is fine and let it go. Next time she asked, it would be okay to say "yes, I checked in with him and all is good, thanks for asking." I remember my grandpa always stressing when us kids would drive to visit him. Now it is funny to realize that when I was in college, he was only in his early 60's. He loved us and was happy to see us, but he could also imagine everything bad possible happening on the drive to his loved adult grandkids.

Edited January 11 by Janeway

[Kassia]

33 minutes ago, Janeway said:

You are not being an idiot, BUT, on that note, I would recommend caring toward your mom on this. She is in the wrong, but anything could be going on with her right now. How old is she? Our parents can struggle with their own emotional issues before we realize because we always see them as parents, not as people who need us, maybe even more than we need them.

I would agree with this in a normal relationship, but I think looking at the history this doesn't apply.  I'm not saying @Indigo Blue shouldn't be kind or that her mom doesn't have her own issues, only that Indigo has to do what she needs to do to keep herself safe first and then decide what she will do to satisfy (or not satisfy) her mom.  

[prairiewindmomma]

I think your mom tries to manage her own anxiety through controlling behaviors and yesterday was another manifestation of that. I wouldnt have contacted my husband and he wouldnt have contacted me. 

[Indigo Blue]

@Janeway, thanks. The types of hurtful things she does aren’t aging issues. These are lifelong. However, yes, she is aging. I get angry and frustrated at her, but I don’t think I have never actually been mean or unkind to her in my whole life, and I do have empathy for her. 

[Indigo Blue]

This thought just came to me. It’s just a one-paragraph description of the essence of who my mom is and how she behaves. This just popped into my head, so I’m just going to put it here. 
 

Her whole essence is based on the idea that she thinks she is “good”. She does look “good” to everyone. She sits at the very tippy top of the pile and assesses where everyone else falls, using a pass/fail, black/white basis. You can move up or down and you can be at the bottom or top. She loves talking about helping people, being a kind-hearted person, etc. She puts people on pedestals. If anyone does anything “bad” she will assign motives to them. She will latch onto “good” people and sing their praises until they do something that is not “good”. Then to the bottom they go. And they will then be talked harshly to or talked about behind their back. She sees two random children playing. One is labeled “being the culprit”. The other is good. One of her children is “good”. The other two are treated as if there is something wrong with them, especially when they began to see through her and back away. One political figure is the smartest, nicest, most caring person in the world. The other one is horrid. She truly sees herself as meek, kind, and good. She is blind to the fact that she literally chronically lies and is deceitful. She has done some very covert and egregious things. She truly focuses on good vs bad, and believes she is good and some others bad. She assigns diseases, mental illnesses, and character flaws to people. But you can NOT say one critical, defensive, or unkind thing to her. Anyone who meets her loves her. No one sees these things she does behind the scenes. Everyone thinks she is as good of a person she thinks herself to be, because she sees to it that they do. Method acting, chameleon personality, and attention-seeking others are blind to. Her whole premise is focused on being a “good” person. When someone is no longer “good”, they go to the bottom, even if it is her fault that the relationship took a bad turn, because the cause and effect is completely lost on her. This describes her, and I don’t think I could write anything more or different that would do a better job. 
 

I think this describes the essence of narcissism, and all the above is indicative of someone who has lived their own traumatic life. Why some emulate and others break cycles is a mystery to me. 
 

Yesterday was an example of me being “bad”. It was really a small thing, but it happens over and over and over. Death by 1000 small cuts. But some of the cuts are really big. 
 

[saraha]

Hugs @Indigo Blue

[Amoret]

Have you read any of the work by Bethany Webster on the mother wound? You might find that some of it resonates. I am sorry for your struggles.

Edited January 11 by Amoret

[Katy]

You're right, it's textbook narcissism.

[prairiewindmomma]

I really hope that you can get to a place where you have positive feelings towards your mom and dont fear hear and also dont GAF about how she perceives others. You already know her perceptions arent reality, and I hope in time you can be completely ok with her viewing you as “bad”—knowing you really arent. It truly is freeing when you can get there. 

[katilac]

23 hours ago, bolt. said:

I could be wrong, but she doesn't sound that reasonable or respectful. She sounds prickly and hard to get along with. I'm really not sure that most of the people she relates to are going to be believing her stories or taking her seriously.

A lot of people who are like this are very well able to not be like this with everyone. They may have a pretty good contingent of people who have never seen their rude, unreasonable, and prickly side. 

It can be maddening. 

[scholastica]

2 hours ago, katilac said:

A lot of people who are like this are very well able to not be like this with everyone. They may have a pretty good contingent of people who have never seen their rude, unreasonable, and prickly side. 

It can be maddening. 

To an extent they can be not like this. As a relationship deepens and they become invested, they tend to show their true colors. The only time they don’t is if the other person is always as they wish them to be. Those tend to be more surface relationships. The better you get to know someone, the more you are likely to find something that you disagree over. 
 

I would be willing to bet IB’s mom has a long line of used to be friends who eventually figured it out. It’s so hard for kids to figure out since that’s all they’ve ever known and it’s a close relationship.

[katilac]

3 hours ago, scholastica said:

To an extent they can be not like this. As a relationship deepens and they become invested, they tend to show their true colors. The only time they don’t is if the other person is always as they wish them to be. Those tend to be more surface relationships. The better you get to know someone, the more you are likely to find something that you disagree over. 
 

I would be willing to bet IB’s mom has a long line of used to be friends who eventually figured it out. It’s so hard for kids to figure out since that’s all they’ve ever known and it’s a close relationship.

I've had experience otherwise, which I only make a point of because it can be really, really hard when other people don't eventually see through them. It can make a person doubt themselves. Yes, there is often a list of former friends, but there can also be a list of long-term friends. Like if IB's mom does have plenty of long-term, deep relationships where those people don't see the other side of her, that doesn't make IB's experience any less true.