Most women who are married are going to end up widows

[kbutton]

5 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

But she is still wondering what the whole state of widowhood will bring.

Edited 5 hours ago by Laura Corin

I’ve heard that women who are widowed tend to lose a huge part of their social circle, but I suppose they depends on whether they socialized mainly with or without their spouse.

[hshibley]

10 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I’ve heard that women who are widowed tend to lose a huge part of their social circle, but I suppose they depends on whether they socialized mainly with or without their spouse.

I think that goes for both men and women regardless of how you socialize.
 

My mom died this year leaving my dad widowed. They’d been married over 55 years. It’s the person you built your life with, grown up with, knows you better than anyone. And one day it’s just over and you’re alone. Friends and children just aren’t filling that void. Yes you should prepare financially (know your financial situation) and medically (know their wishes) but nothing truly prepares you for the day it ends. 

[kathyl]

Well, my first reaction when I read your thread title was 'I wish'.  lol

Seriously though, dh and I are 6 months apart.  He's always said I will outlive him based on statistics.  I have no clue who will go first.  I just wish he'd talk about all of it like HS mom in NC said in her post.  I've about decided to go get the appt with a lawyer for a will and just tell him I'm going, and he can come or not. 

 

11 hours ago, DawnM said:

My mom died 3 years before my dad.   But she was also 4 years older than my dad.

My husband and I are the same age.   

I don't think it is fair to say that since it is likely to happen, we shouldn't be surprised by it.  Death is not something you can say how people should respond or handle.   I assume my husband will die first, but I will still be shocked and sad.   

 

 I think the above will probably be true for me.  My life would be a lot easier in a lot of ways if dh goes first.  But I would still be shocked and sad, I suppose.  I won't really know til I get there I guess. 

If I go first, I'm absolutely certain he'd be just fine.    

[Garga]

I have always assumed he’d go first. He’s 5 years older, plus men live 7 fewer years, which means I can expect at least 12 years of widowhood, statistically speaking.

Walk into any nursing home and the women outnumber the men by a large, large margin. 

Edited October 24, 2023 by Garga

[Garga]

1 hour ago, kbutton said:

I’ve heard that women who are widowed tend to lose a huge part of their social circle, but I suppose they depends on whether they socialized mainly with or without their spouse.

I socialize only with women and not couples, so I guess I’m good!

[elegantlion]

My dad passed away in 2015, his grandfather (his grandparents raised him) died when my dad was in high school. My mom is still going quite strong at 87. Her parents both passed away when they were 94. 

My ex-dh died 4 1/2 years after our divorce. 

Now, SO & I talk about this. He's 6 1/2 year older than me, but he is much more healthy. I have chronic conditions brought on by radiation tx. As a group of cancer survivors, our survival rate is high but the long term side effects from chemo and radiation are what is ending our lives. I'm fortunate that at this point my side effects are mild but that can change. I don't know that I will outlive SO. 

 

[DawnM]

22 minutes ago, kathyl said:

Well, my first reaction when I read your thread title was 'I wish'.  lol

Seriously though, dh and I are 6 months apart.  He's always said I will outlive him based on statistics.  I have no clue who will go first.  I just wish he'd talk about all of it like HS mom in NC said in her post.  I've about decided to go get the appt with a lawyer for a will and just tell him I'm going, and he can come or not. 

 

 I think the above will probably be true for me.  My life would be a lot easier in a lot of ways if dh goes first.  But I would still be shocked and sad, I suppose.  I won't really know til I get there I guess. 

If I go first, I'm absolutely certain he'd be just fine.    

It is interesting because my mom was quite dependent on my dad.  I always wanted her to go first, and I know that sounds horrible, but she could literally do nothing for herself.   In all the years I have been alive, she never drove a car.   That is one example.

My mom had a lot of health issues too and I think they only reason she stayed alive as long as she did is because she was married to my dad who took care of her (dad was a physician.).  

 

[HS Mom in NC]

9 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

All true and also, simultaneously, all difficult.

And also, often one partner is better equipped emotionally to face/ talk about hard things than the other partner.

That true and never absolves the struggling partner of the responsibility of talking about hard things.  That's the HUGE disconnect driving this problem-the underlying assumption that just because someone struggles they're off the hook.  And never assume the one doing the talking about it isn't struggling. Talk it through in spite of struggling because it's the job of all the adults to deal with this. The single most important adult skill by far is the ability to do necessary things contrary to how you feel about them. That's what separates psychological adults from psychological children/adolescents: children/adolescents do things because they want to, adults do things because they should, whether they want to or not. 

[Clarita]

No matter how much I may know that DH is likely to pass before me, I will still be in shock when it happens. All the practical parts of our lives are set up in case one or both of us pass (and that shouldn't happen for a good long time). Still I know I'll be devastated and in shock. 

I've just seen it with some of my mom's friends and my mom. No matter what shock is going to happen.

[HS Mom in NC]

4 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

This is one of the most condescending and ugly things I've read here in a long time.  You've got ladies here who are actually living this scenario right now and you really want to act high and mighty?  Really?   

What a strange response.  I'm responding to the article posted.  You don't really think it's normal for a married woman of any age to have never considered the possibility that she could end up a widow do you?  Are you seriously suggesting to me that it's normal, in spite of all the widows every single woman on the planet has witnessed that it's rational to not expect the real possibility of widowhood?  That's what I'm addressing-the disconnect from reality that's so easily observable.  Every married woman has heard that she and her husband should have a will (especially if there are kids) and life insurance and retirement planning and work out eldercare for their parents and all that stuff for decades of their lives, but it's perfectly reasonable and normal adult behavior to have never considered being a widow!?

And you think pointing it out is mean because there are actual widows present?!?  That just doesn't make any sense. Whether there are widows present or not and what they did or didn't expect is irrelevant to the obvious reality I'm trying to get people so see and address for everyone's sake-especially the future widows.  This isn't personal, it's the general state of things that so many people are willfully ignoring like teenagers.

How the heck did we get to a state where talking about a common reality is mean!?! This is the problem, folks.  Talking about cold hard reality in blunt terms when the indirect, avoidant nonsense is failing women (like the one in the article) is interpreted as cruel.  What a mess this culture is. It's arrested development. No one should be emotionally upset about planning for the inevitable in blunt direct terms. For heaven's sake.

[HS Mom in NC]

Some posters are missing the nuance here.  No is saying a spouse should never be surprised by the other spouse's death-that's a given in cases when a prolonged terminal illness isn't part of the  equation. A woman surprised by the idea widowhood in general is what shouldn't be shocking-that's something that's so common it should be accepted as a likely possibility at the time of marriage, regardless of age,  and planned for over the course of the marriage.  Yes, there should be plans made for a man losing his wife too. 

[Ditto]

5 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

This is one of the most condescending and ugly things I've read here in a long time.  You've got ladies here who are actually living this scenario right now and you really want to act high and mighty?  Really?   

Well said.

[WildflowerMom]

1 hour ago, HS Mom in NC said:

What a strange response.  I'm responding to the article posted.  You don't really think it's normal for a married woman of any age to have never considered the possibility that she could end up a widow do you?  Are you seriously suggesting to me that it's normal, in spite of all the widows every single woman on the planet has witnessed that it's rational to not expect the real possibility of widowhood?  That's what I'm addressing-the disconnect from reality that's so easily observable.  Every married woman has heard that she and her husband should have a will (especially if there are kids) and life insurance and retirement planning and work out eldercare for their parents and all that stuff for decades of their lives, but it's perfectly reasonable and normal adult behavior to have never considered being a widow!?

And you think pointing it out is mean because there are actual widows present?!?  That just doesn't make any sense. Whether there are widows present or not and what they did or didn't expect is irrelevant to the obvious reality I'm trying to get people so see and address for everyone's sake-especially the future widows.  This isn't personal, it's the general state of things that so many people are willfully ignoring like teenagers.

How the heck did we get to a state where talking about a common reality is mean!?! This is the problem, folks.  Talking about cold hard reality in blunt terms when the indirect, avoidant nonsense is failing women (like the one in the article) is interpreted as cruel.  What a mess this culture is. It's arrested development. No one should be emotionally upset about planning for the inevitable in blunt direct terms. For heaven's sake.

You're being intentionally obtuse.  At least, I think/hope it's intentional.   After a few women said they've dealt with losing their spouse within the past year, you snark about how embarrassing it is for women to be surprised or unprepared when their spouse dies.    You comment on their intelligence and maturity.  
Women who find themselves unprepared are neither unintelligent, immature, or an embarrassment to anyone.        

Edited October 24, 2023 by WildflowerMom
Removed my own ugly response to this poster

[Clarita]

5 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

A woman surprised by the idea widowhood in general is what shouldn't be shocking-that's something that's so common it should be accepted as a likely possibility at the time of marriage, regardless of age,  and planned for over the course of the marriage.  Yes, there should be plans made for a man losing his wife too. 

There is only so much you can plan for. People going why haven't you purchased a burial plot/cremation cubby/coffin/etc. yet, what do you mean you didn't know that one password for their new investment account (because company decided 2 months prior to switch investment firms), DH didn't tell you the exact placement of his bridge toll device before he unexpectedly passed away, wait you didn't already have a plan for health insurance ready to swap over to in a month following your spouse's death are not helpful and quite frankly as much as you did plan for widowhood the amount of things that you are expected to have prepared for are shocking. 

Having dealt with my dad's sudden passing I'm 100% sure as much as DH and I have financial plans in place for and we've routinely talked about the what ifs, I know there are going to be details that we didn't get a chance to figure out or didn't think of. To top it all, there is no preparing for the grief emotional rollercoaster when one loses a life partner (even if you don't really like your husband, maybe it's worse if you do like him). Then you have to figure out all the details you didn't get around to when you are first hit with this emotional rollercoaster, things like getting a death certificate - a lot of your preparations are still going to depend on having that certificate, what is healthcare going to look like for your family next month (unless you are fortunate that you aren't a dependent on your deceased spouse's insurance), where is your spouse going to go and how are you getting them from point A to point B.

To me a part of being "prepared" for this involves knowing you will be unprepared for this.