ADHD adult question

[busymama7]

I am totally playing armchair psychiatrist here and self diagnosing ADHD as an adult.  My son was diagnosed at 20 a couple years ago and it started making sense for me when I looked at it.   I may not be and it doesn't really matter but I am trying to figure out/learn things about how I work best for self improvement reasons.  

Ok so, this week we planned a grad party for my senior.  I knew all week that I needed to get things ready and I did prep food ahead of time and do a photo slideshow.  But then the day of ALL these cool ideas start flooding in and I ended up rushing around frantically to make them happen.  Multiple runs to the dollar store, hand washing a baby outfit, rummaging through boxes and bins of keepsakes, making changes to outdoor set up etc. 

It frustrates me *every time* that this is the way I function.  Like *why* couldn't I think of these things during the week preceding? I had the party on my mind all week.  I intended to prep as much ahead of time that I could to make the day smooth but NOPE.  My brain just doesn't think of creative ideas etc until the pressure is ON and then I am amazing but also frantic, exhausted and stressed.  

Anyone know why or how to get better at this skill? Then party was a success and everything was fine in the end.   But I had time during the week to do these things but didn't because I didn't think of them.  Sigh.   I really really really function better with external stress and also when I can hyper focus.   Thanks for any ideas!

[heartlikealion]

I have ADHD tendencies but was “borderline” in my test results. 

I have to tell myself no. No, you can’t add to the list in the day of the event. 

No, you cannot shower 10 min before you’re supposed to be leaving the house. 

I don’t always listen to myself but I’m getting better lol 

[Katy]

IME you can’t force creativity, but you can say no. 

[busymama7]

Ok sure I could have said no to myself for my ideas but that really isn't my question.   Why do I do this and how can I figure out how to plan ahead better.   That's the part that frustrates me.  

[heartlikealion]

Just now, busymama7 said:

Ok sure I could have said no to myself for my ideas but that really isn't my question.   Why do I do this and how can I figure out how to plan ahead better.   That's the part that frustrates me.  

Ok well sometimes we have no control over when ideas hit and only control over what we do with those ideas. 
I would say you could begin a list in advance and if ideas hit leading up the event, add them to the list. But people like me have poor time management so unless I execute the ideas in advance, it will serve me no good to just have the list. I routinely procrastinate and am not motivated until I’m deadline is looming. 

Short answer: force a deadline. Create a list 

Reality: Procrastination/adrenaline/motivation may guide you and it’s last minute 

[ktgrok]

If deadlines help you think you can try to create mini deadlines. But my bet is you had other stuff on your mind taking up the creative energy, and only once those mundane things were done could did you have brain space to be creative. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ask yourself what is your greater value and priority?  Having the perfect "Instagrammable" party or being able to enjoy the party without stress?  I'm guessing that you would have had a perfectly fine party with the party prep that you had already done.  Things still would have been fine in the end if you hadn't rushed out to execute all these last minute ideas.  It's also ok to maybe chose one or two of those ideas to add on at the last minute but to limit it to just a couple instead of ending up "frantic, exhausted and stressed". 

[marbel]

29 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

If deadlines help you think you can try to create mini deadlines. But my bet is you had other stuff on your mind taking up the creative energy, and only once those mundane things were done could did you have brain space to be creative. 

This is what I was thinking (but worded better than it was in my brain). I don't really have characteristics of ADHD (I have family members who do) but in a similar situation I always have last-minute brainstorms. I am not always able to implement them, but I try to make note of things like that for the next event. I do believe it's because the main stuff is done -- the food sorted, etc. - and then when I'm relaxing because the work is done, new ideas come in.

[Kuovonne]

I have a slightly different perspective on this. I don’t have ADHD, but it is normal for me to wake up the morning that something is due with great new ideas. I think the combination of being right up to the deadline, having things stew in the back of my brain for a while, and sleep is the source of the ideas. While it is easy for me to reject ideas if I really don’t have time for them, I decided to lean into it. I now plan extra “space” for whatever last minute stuff that occurs to me, and I fret less about why didn’t I figure out those things in advance. 
 

I don’t know what I’m going to do with that block of empty hours before showtime, but I am going to put that empty block of time/$$/resources there so that I have last minute flexibility to do stuff. 

Edited June 3, 2023 by Kuovonne

[busymama7]

59 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Ask yourself what is your greater value and priority?  Having the perfect "Instagrammable" party or being able to enjoy the party without stress?  I'm guessing that you would have had a perfectly fine party with the party prep that you had already done.  Things still would have been fine in the end if you hadn't rushed out to execute all these last minute ideas.  It's also ok to maybe chose one or two of those ideas to add on at the last minute but to limit it to just a couple instead of ending up "frantic, exhausted and stressed". 

I didn't even TAKE many pictures let alone post them.  It has absolutely nothing to do with "Instagramable".  It is more sentimental stuff for me.  I want to mark the occasion in a way that feels special to me. And I did enjoy the party fine. It was lovely once I got past the prep.  

[busymama7]

23 minutes ago, Kuovonne said:

I have a slightly different perspective on this. I don’t have ADHD, but it is normal for me to wake up the morning that something is due with great new ideas. I think the combination of being right up to the deadline, having things stew in the back of my brain for a while, and sleep is the source of the ideas. While it is easy for me to reject ideas if I really don’t have time for them, I decided to lean into it. I now plan extra “space” for whatever last minute stuff that occurs to me, and I fret less about why didn’t I figure out those things in advance. 
 

I don’t know what I’m going to do with that block of empty hours before showtime, but I am going to put that empty block of time/$$/resources there so that I have last minute flexibility to do stuff. 

Ok this makes sense and is pretty much how it went.   The stuff I knew to do without thought was already done (food etc).   I had the whole day set aside so I could go with my last minute ideas.  I just wish I would think of them before the last minute 🤪

[wintermom]

I'm going to "arm chair psychologist" suggest that while there may be some characteristics you have that are similar to an actual ADHD diagnosis, you do not have it. Your ability to function, follow-through, plan and implement all these details and actions to completion then settle down enough to enjoy the party are super high-functioning. Relax and enjoy life with those fun and exiting creative flashes of brilliance without labeling them at all.

Edited June 3, 2023 by wintermom

[heartlikealion]

11 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

I didn't even TAKE many pictures let alone post them.  It has absolutely nothing to do with "Instagramable".  It is more sentimental stuff for me.  I want to mark the occasion in a way that feels special to me. And I did enjoy the party fine. It was lovely once I got past the prep.  

I didn’t take the post to necessarily mean actual social media photos so much as “instagram-worthy” or cute Pinterest type ideas on display. 

[marbel]

29 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

I didn't even TAKE many pictures let alone post them.  It has absolutely nothing to do with "Instagramable".  It is more sentimental stuff for me.  I want to mark the occasion in a way that feels special to me. And I did enjoy the party fine. It was lovely once I got past the prep.  

Like Heart says above, I didn't take it to mean actual posting, but just having all those extra touches that came about at the last minute. But, I think saying you were "frantic, exhausted and stressed" gave the impression that it was a negative experience for you. 

Actually your experience reminds me of the concept of diffuse thinking, which I encountered via Dr Barbara Oakley in a Coursera course I took many years ago with my high schoolers (Learning How to Learn). People often have insights into something they've been working on after they set it aside and the brain is relaxed. My kids found this very helpful for them when they had that feeling that "my brain is full" and set aside their studies for a while - answers and insights would come to them then. 

 

Edited June 3, 2023 by marbel

[busymama7]

27 minutes ago, wintermom said:

I'm going to "arm chair psychologist" suggest that while there may be some characteristics you have that are similar to an actual ADHD diagnosis, you do not have it. Your ability to function, follow-through, plan and implement all these details and actions to completion then settle down enough to enjoy the party are super high-functioning. Relax and enjoy life with those fun and exiting creative flashes of brilliance without labeling them at all.

Ok that is super interesting.  I appreciate the thoughts. 😍

[busymama7]

4 minutes ago, marbel said:

Like Heart says above, I didn't take it to mean actual posting, but just having all those extra touches that came about at the last minute. But, I think saying you were "frantic, exhausted and stressed" gave the impression that it was a negative experience for you. 

Actually your experience reminds me of the concept of diffuse thinking, which I encountered via Dr Barbara Oakley in a Coursera course I took many years ago with my high schoolers (Learning How to Learn). People often have insights into something they've been working on after they set it aside and the brain is relaxed. My kids found this very helpful for them when they had that feeling that "my brain is full" and set aside their studies for a while - answers and insights would come to them then. 

 

Overall it wasn't negative. The rushing beforehand I could do without.  It frustrates me that I don't think of things until the last minute.  I was stressed in the moment but I got to lay down for 30 mins before the party and then I always am chill once an event starts.   So that's why the actual party was fine.  I'm the same with visitors. Stress stress stress and rush before they come and then nothing matters and I don't care about anything while they are there.   

[Kuovonne]

1 hour ago, busymama7 said:

It frustrates me that I don't think of things until the last minute.

Maybe the answer isn’t to figure out how to think of things sooner, but to accept that you may always have some last minute ideas.

You actually did think of everything that was necessary in advance and took care of those things. The additional things are nice extras. It isn’t as if you forgot something major that would have caused the event to flop. 

[SKL]

I am like that too.  Nothing makes me brainstorm better than having a tight deadline to be doing something else.  😛

I have always had trouble finishing projects.  I can come up with a thousand ideas and plans and analyses, but I can't seem to bring it all together and finalize a project until the minute it's due (or later).

I like the idea of forcing a deadline, but if it's a fake deadline, my mind can't be fooled.  One way to get around that is to set an actual meeting to discuss "final plans" with another human being.  Or promise a "draft in process" to your boss / leader by x date/time.

Maybe consider having a rule that a rough % of final decisions can be last-minute.  It does keep life interesting, as long as it's totally optional and doesn't interfere with the more important things.

In your example, you had the important stuff done (date, venue, invitations, food, cake, photos), so your last-minute ideas were not likely to ruin the party.  You get a new idea, ask yourself if you have time, and decide it's a yes or a no.  Where it would be a problem would be if your bunny trails resulted in a messy party venue, unfinished / insufficient food, or other issue that took away from the party.  Or if you got yourself all worked up and couldn't be a joyful host.

[bookbard]

I keep researching ADHD in order to keep up with current findings but still find it difficult to put my finger on what it is. I have taught a few kids who have had the classic ADHD - as in literally could not keep still, had to get up and touch the walls or sit on the floor and could not stop themselves interrupting. It was debilitating for those children - learning was constantly interrupted and relationships were so much work. 

The current idea of women self-diagnosing ADHD because they cannot keep up with the endless demands of modern life bothers me. They blame themselves when let's face it - the world expects too much of us. I now work almost full time, homeschool 2 children, do volunteer work and do almost all the housework. I'm not alone (personally I think homeschooling has reduced stress, the demands of schools are just ongoing and unpredictable). 

I have a friend who experienced an unusually traumatic childhood. I met her as a teen and she was like an adult - I was ten years older and she was like a peer. Now she's wondering if she has ADHD because she can't articulate her feelings. 

I will continue to keep an eye on the studies as to what ADHD actually is. Is the 'immature brain' theory correct? Is it a frontal lobe connection issue? But I am also aware our world is toxic. Actually toxic as in plastics/air pollution/weird chemicals, and emotionally toxic because we're disconnected from nature, expected to do and take responsibility for everything and we're bombarded by the media. In this kind of world, how can any of us really be healthy?

 

[busymama7]

34 minutes ago, bookbard said:

I keep researching ADHD in order to keep up with current findings but still find it difficult to put my finger on what it is. I have taught a few kids who have had the classic ADHD - as in literally could not keep still, had to get up and touch the walls or sit on the floor and could not stop themselves interrupting. It was debilitating for those children - learning was constantly interrupted and relationships were so much work. 

The current idea of women self-diagnosing ADHD because they cannot keep up with the endless demands of modern life bothers me. They blame themselves when let's face it - the world expects too much of us. I now work almost full time, homeschool 2 children, do volunteer work and do almost all the housework. I'm not alone (personally I think homeschooling has reduced stress, the demands of schools are just ongoing and unpredictable). 

I have a friend who experienced an unusually traumatic childhood. I met her as a teen and she was like an adult - I was ten years older and she was like a peer. Now she's wondering if she has ADHD because she can't articulate her feelings. 

I will continue to keep an eye on the studies as to what ADHD actually is. Is the 'immature brain' theory correct? Is it a frontal lobe connection issue? But I am also aware our world is toxic. Actually toxic as in plastics/air pollution/weird chemicals, and emotionally toxic because we're disconnected from nature, expected to do and take responsibility for everything and we're bombarded by the media. In this kind of world, how can any of us really be healthy?

 

I totally get that and honestly it annoyed me too.  When my son was diagnosed formally I started to look into it more. It does make me wonder but only for the purpose of learning how to manage life better and make improvements.  

[busymama7]

47 minutes ago, SKL said:

I am like that too.  Nothing makes me brainstorm better than having a tight deadline to be doing something else.  😛

I have always had trouble finishing projects.  I can come up with a thousand ideas and plans and analyses, but I can't seem to bring it all together and finalize a project until the minute it's due (or later).

I like the idea of forcing a deadline, but if it's a fake deadline, my mind can't be fooled.  One way to get around that is to set an actual meeting to discuss "final plans" with another human being.  Or promise a "draft in process" to your boss / leader by x date/time.

Maybe consider having a rule that a rough % of final decisions can be last-minute.  It does keep life interesting, as long as it's totally optional and doesn't interfere with the more important things.

In your example, you had the important stuff done (date, venue, invitations, food, cake, photos), so your last-minute ideas were not likely to ruin the party.  You get a new idea, ask yourself if you have time, and decide it's a yes or a no.  Where it would be a problem would be if your bunny trails resulted in a messy party venue, unfinished / insufficient food, or other issue that took away from the party.  Or if you got yourself all worked up and couldn't be a joyful host.

That's true. It really didn't mess anything up.  I just wish I could be more creative/come up with ideas without the pressure.  But I've always performed better under pressure. Sigh.  

[SKL]

You could also put "brainstorm / research party ideas" as a specific to-do for a week before the party.  Then get on the internet and google a search term.  If that isn't inspiring enough, get on the WTM forum and ask for ideas.  🙂

[Eos]

6 hours ago, busymama7 said:

I've always performed better under pressure. 

I'm guessing you are/were an excellent midwife 🙂

Most midwives I know have depleted adrenal systems, so maybe the last minute focus just feels normal. Exhausting, but familiar. 

Edited June 4, 2023 by Eos