A child that is TOO generous?

[Miss Peregrine]

DS lost out snow shovel. It is buried somewhere out there in 3-4 feet of snow. DH and I told him he will have to replace it. It will take all his money. DD 8, who is the most generous child I have ever met told me that she was going to offer to pay for half of it.

 

Do we let her do this?

[BeachGirl]

What a generous offer from one sibling to another. I would allow it. She is taking the spirit of the holidays and giving to her brother.

[Aggie]

I'll be waiting for answers, too. We have a dd who is also beyond generous and it often makes me uncomfortable not knowing how to handle it.

 

Is there a line? Where is it?

[Harriet Vane]

Yes.

 

Encourage that kindness.

 

Encourage her brother to do something nice to thank her.

 

If she ever lords it over him address that heart issue at that time.

 

But for now, yes, absolutely allow her to help her brother, and rejoice that she cares and wants to help.

[coffeefreak]

We have a child like this too. We let her bail her sister out because there are natural consequences to her actions. Some day, she'll need help and I doubt her sister will help her. The reverse of that lesson is, I hope that her sister will learn a little generosity from her. :001_smile:

[Zelda]

I wouldn't. I would praise her sense of caring and charity but explain that you need to teach your son to be more responsible. Let her do something else nice for him to soothe the sting. This lesson is about your son.

[Unicorn.]

I wouldn't. I would praise her sense of caring and charity but explain that you need to teach your son to be more responsible. Let her do something else nice for him to soothe the sting. This lesson is about your son.

 

:iagree: He won't learn if other people keep bailing him out. He needs to fix this himself.

[Miss Peregrine]

She is out there right now, digging in feet of snow where he said he thinks he left it...

[Murphy101]

I wouldn't let either buy it.

I'd send him out to dig it up and then clear the drive.

[JudoMom]

I wouldn't let either buy it.

I'd send him out to dig it up and then clear the drive.

 

This is what I'd do, too.

[Deece in MN]

I wouldn't let either buy it.

I'd send him out to dig it up and then clear the drive.

 

This is what I would do also, but if he is anything like my dd the shovel would not be where he thought he left it.

 

Our dd is always trying to find things that she "knows" she left in a certain spot. We end up finding these things no where near where she thinks they are. :)

 

I would start by sending him out to dig it up and if he can't find it then he can replace it.

[Miss Peregrine]

This is what I'd do, too.

 

 

The problem is no one knows exactly where it is. He was digging out neighbors' drives and left it who-knows-where.

[Jill- OK]

Yes.

 

Encourage that kindness.

 

Encourage her brother to do something nice to thank her.

 

If she ever lords it over him address that heart issue at that time.

 

But for now, yes, absolutely allow her to help her brother, and rejoice that she cares and wants to help.

 

...do generous things that seemed beyond the pale, because I don't want to squelch that. I also try to shy away from managing their decisions like that too much, as they get older. (You learn from making mistakes, too.)

 

"Grace" is unmerited (undeserved) favor, and it's a concept I want my kids to understand. You never know what they'll remember from their childhoods that illustrates something like that to them. This could be a memorable thing for him. (I don't know if you're Christian or not, but I still believe grace and merciful giving are great, universal concepts, regardless of faith/religion. They can teach lessons, too.)

 

If it was one of my kids, I wouldn't worry about the escape from punishment. (To be honest, though, I don't know that I would have punished something like that in the same way. As if you asked, lol. :D)

 

Sometimes a little dose of humility is as good (or better) than a consequence, and if your son is a halfway sensitive child, I'm sure he will be quite humbled. (I'm thinking of my oldest son, not the gentlest soul in the world, lol, and I know even he would probably be humbled if a little sister bailed him out).

[Tabrett]

She is out there right now, digging in feet of snow where he said he thinks he left it...

Aren't you so glad your children love each other.

[LBC]

...do generous things that seemed beyond the pale, because I don't want to squelch that. I also try to shy away from managing their decisions like that too much, as they get older. (You learn from making mistakes, too.)

 

"Grace" is unmerited (undeserved) favor, and it's a concept I want my kids to understand. You never know what they'll remember from their childhoods that illustrates something like that to them. This could be a memorable thing for him. (I don't know if you're Christian or not, but I still believe grace and merciful giving are great, universal concepts, regardless of faith/religion. They can teach lessons, too.)

 

Sometimes a little dose of humility is as good (or better) than a consequence, and if your son is a halfway sensitive child, I'm sure he will be quite humbled. (I'm thinking of my oldest son, not the gentlest soul in the world, lol, and I know even he would probably be humbled if a little sister bailed him out).

 

:iagree:

I agree for the above reasons, and also because fostering a sense of healthy sibling relationships is so important. There are a few sibling dynamics between a couple of my dc that break my heart. Any opportunity to encourage them to help each other is worth way more than "learning a lesson", IMO.

 

Lori

[joannqn]

I was curious to see how everyone would answer this one. When I tell my kids to do some chore, my son will often choose to do it by himself, relieving my daughter (who is older than him) of her share of the work. He's also generous with his money.

 

My daughter, on the other hand, never offers to do stuff for him. She doesn't thank him or act grateful in anyway. She just shrugs her shoulders and runs off to play.

 

I'm tired of him being taken advantage of so I often won't allow him to do her work for her.

[Kathy in MD]

I wouldn't. I would praise her sense of caring and charity but explain that you need to teach your son to be more responsible. Let her do something else nice for him to soothe the sting. This lesson is about your son.

 

I agree, too.

[amy g.]

I would let her pay half.

 

I was that over generous child, and my life has been blessed beyond my wildest expectations.

 

My kids often buy things and do chores for each other. I think it is a healthy family dynamic.

 

My sister, on the other hand has a much harder time giving. I would not consider her nearly as happy as I am.

[Alice]

I clicked on this out of curiosity. I've had the same issues wiht my 5 yr old. He really likes to give toys away to his friends. He'll "trade" Legos with his best friend but the trade is always very uneven. And he'll often ask to wrap up a present and take it when we're going to someone's house. I've really struggled with what to do as I worry that he's being taken advantage of and it frustrates me that he keeps giving stuff away that we bought. :)

 

But so far, I've let him do it. I feel like God has used him to teach me some good lessons about being generous. And I've really wanted to be careful about squelching this part of him. And I am grateful that this isn't an issue that we have to work on with him (not to imply that he's perfect...he's got other character issues that we do have to work on). The Mom of the friend that he gives the most stuff to has talked to me about it as she has felt uncomfortable and doesn't want her son to take advantage of mine. For now we've just let them work it out together and kept a watchful eye but kept silent. And interestingly, she has told me her son usually has a really hard time giving or sharing but he now wants to bring stuff to share with mine.

 

Anyway, I would let your daughter help find or pay for the shovel. And I'd just keep a distant watch on their relationship. If you do see her being taken advantage of or think your son is showing consistent irresponsbility than I'd not let her do it in the future.

[Murphy101]

The problem is no one knows exactly where it is. He was digging out neighbors' drives and left it who-knows-where.

 

ah... okay then. I see.:)

 

"Grace" is unmerited (undeserved) favor, and it's a concept I want my kids to understand.

 

If it was one of my kids, I wouldn't worry about the escape from punishment.

 

Jill does have some good points.

 

Firstly - I whole-heartedly agree with the siblings extending grace towards one another. It's important and God-willing will still be happening long after us parents are dead and gone.

 

That said, some possible issues need to be looked at to be sure that's really what's happening.

 

Mom says this is repeatedly not appreciated, but rather taken for granted. I have a problem with that. As much as I would not want to discourage the generousity of one sibling, I have just as strong an obligation to encourage it in the other.

 

If for no other reason, I'd be concerned that he might be getting a message that he can go to an older sibling to get out of a parental obligation. Mom told him to do something and he didn't do it b/c sibling got him out of it. Out of respect for his mother, he should do as requested.

 

Out of respect for his sister, he should not desire to let her be burdened unneccessarily or without gratitude. So I might let sister do it pending HIS attitude towards her generosity and of me when I gave the ruling. (IOW, if he gave me lip about it, he'd be paying. If he was less than grateful to sister, he'd be paying.)

 

secondly - I don't view it as a punishment per se

it's a simple consequence.

you loose the tool = you replace the tool

 

My daughter, on the other hand, never offers to do stuff for him. She doesn't thank him or act grateful in anyway. She just shrugs her shoulders and runs off to play.

 

I'm tired of him being taken advantage of so I often won't allow him to do her work for her.

 

Yes. Generosity is great, but it should be tempered with reason. Some times it's really not generous to do something for someone. Sometimes it's more generous and harder to let them do for themselves.

 

And I would absolutely not allow them to just walk away without so much as a thank you. That's just rude, imo.

 

Also, be careful that the older sibling is actually doing it out of grace.

I've seen siblings do things like this, not so much for grace, but for things as simple as they just didn't want to listen to the other sibling gripe or whine about it.:)

 

so, I change my opinion to a modified maybe I would or not pending the situation and the hearts/motives of the children in question.

 

a totally useless answer!:lol:

[Zelda]

 

Firstly - I whole-heartedly agree with the siblings extending grace towards one another. It's important and God-willing will still be happening long after us parents are dead and gone.

 

As much as I would not want to discourage the generousity of one sibling, I have just as strong an obligation to encourage it in the other.

 

Yes. Generosity is great, but it should be tempered with reason. Some times it's really not generous to do something for someone. Sometimes it's more generous and harder to let them do for themselves.

 

Also, be careful that the older sibling is actually doing it out of grace.

I've seen siblings do things like this, not so much for grace, but for things as simple as they just didn't want to listen to the other sibling gripe or whine about it.:)

 

 

Good points. I also wouldn't discourage generosity but she can show her compassion for him w/o negating the effect of the consequence. Maybe she could make his bed for him.

 

I also worry about the motives of a very generous sibling. Some people are will fall all over themselves to keep the peace and its not always appropriate or healthy. I have a child that will always give away the biggest piece of the best one. I typically give her positive feedback but I do sometimes have to stop her and tell her that she doesn't ALWAYS have to be the one to take the smallest piece. That she both: deserves to get a turn having the biggest piece and needs to share the opportunity to be magnanimous.

 

And I'll just say it, sometimes that person who is always sacrificing for others can be annoying and full of themselves. You know, "How many moms does it take to change a light bulb?" "Its okay, Sweetie, dont' get up. I can just sit here in the dark."

 

So, if there is a child that is *always* extending themselves I think it can have negative consequences. There are plenty of opportunities to be generous when people AREN'T in trouble.

[Miss Peregrine]

...do generous things that seemed beyond the pale, because I don't want to squelch that. I also try to shy away from managing their decisions like that too much, as they get older. (You learn from making mistakes, too.)

 

"Grace" is unmerited (undeserved) favor, and it's a concept I want my kids to understand. You never know what they'll remember from their childhoods that illustrates something like that to them. This could be a memorable thing for him. (I don't know if you're Christian or not, but I still believe grace and merciful giving are great, universal concepts, regardless of faith/religion. They can teach lessons, too.)

 

If it was one of my kids, I wouldn't worry about the escape from punishment. (To be honest, though, I don't know that I would have punished something like that in the same way. As if you asked, lol. :D)

 

Sometimes a little dose of humility is as good (or better) than a consequence, and if your son is a halfway sensitive child, I'm sure he will be quite humbled. (I'm thinking of my oldest son, not the gentlest soul in the world, lol, and I know even he would probably be humbled if a little sister bailed him out).

Thanks for your thoughts, Jill

 

DS was very humbled when he found out. "What, no way! I'll pay HER if she finds the shovel!"

 

I don't see buying a new shovel as a punishment, though. It is something our family needs, he lost it and he will have to replace it.

 

"Grace" is unmerited (undeserved) favor, and it's a concept I want my kids to understand. You never know what they'll remember from their childhoods that illustrates something like that to them. This could be a memorable thing for him. (I don't know if you're Christian or not, but I still believe grace and merciful giving are great, universal concepts, regardless of faith/religion. They can teach lessons, too.)

 

 

Absolutely!

Edited December 18, 2008 by Miss Peregrine

[Miss Peregrine]

Good points. I also wouldn't discourage generosity but she can show her compassion for him w/o negating the effect of the consequence. Maybe she could make his bed for him.

 

I also worry about the motives of a very generous sibling. Some people are will fall all over themselves to keep the peace and its not always appropriate or healthy. I have a child that will always give away the biggest piece of the best one. I typically give her positive feedback but I do sometimes have to stop her and tell her that she doesn't ALWAYS have to be the one to take the smallest piece. That she both: deserves to get a turn having the biggest piece and needs to share the opportunity to be magnanimous.

 

 

 

This is totally DD. She will clean the messiest bedroom for a sibling while he or she is off playing. I guess she is the classic "middle child" in that she is the middle girl.

 

I believe her motives are pure. I will keep an eye on things to make sure no one is taking advantage. I can see it happening with DS, as he doesn't really "get" her. Out of all the kids, it's not like he doesn't like her, they have a like/indifferent relationship:lol: but they get along the least.

 

Lightbulb moment! Most of her generosity is directed towards him...Hmmmm