JustEm Posted January 21, 2023 Share Posted January 21, 2023 47 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said: Let me clear up my inbox, my apologies!!! ETA: should have some space now. Sent 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted January 21, 2023 Share Posted January 21, 2023 I think it’s fair enough that he came home once, but I think going forward you need to be strong with thinking what you need and want. It’s just a lot better to minimize moving in and out. I think it’s different if you think it is a realistic thing and it doesn’t work out. But for a time when it seems like the prior problems weren’t addressed and he moved back in, it seems like it’s not something to do again. I hope your husband is thinking that way, too. I also think if he chooses to go to therapy or try medication etc then I think you should just be supportive of him doing that. If neither of you are interested I think that is fair, too. Have you read The Body Keeps the Score? I got a lot out of it. It would not have been on my radar as something applicable — it was recommended to my husband, though. I re-read it recently a year or so later and got totally different things from it the second time around. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted January 21, 2023 Author Share Posted January 21, 2023 6 minutes ago, Lecka said: I think it’s fair enough that he came home once, but I think going forward you need to be strong with thinking what you need and want. It’s just a lot better to minimize moving in and out. Don't I know it. I really, really didn't want to do this a second time. In fact, I thought I wouldn't be able to, that it'd be too hard on the kids. But here we are, and this still seems like the best of all the possible cruddy options. He was in a very different place last time, though -- he had been stonewalling and not admitting we had any problems at all our whole marriage. Last time was a wake-up call, but he couldn't keep it up. He just wasn't in the right place mentally -- he was appalled at himself and how he behaved and full of shame and this just wasn't compatible with living our normal life... he just couldn't hack it. I could have just divorced him then, of course. I thought about it. But at the end of the day, it didn't feel right, given what a bad place he was in, and given that he'd only been able to look at our issues honestly for 3 months. I thought this all deserved more of a chance than that. 6 minutes ago, Lecka said: I think it’s different if you think it is a realistic thing and it doesn’t work out. But for a time when it seems like the prior problems weren’t addressed and he moved back in, it seems like it’s not something to do again. I hope your husband is thinking that way, too. He is. He's just in a different place than a year ago. 6 minutes ago, Lecka said: I also think if he chooses to go to therapy or try medication etc then I think you should just be supportive of him doing that. If neither of you are interested I think that is fair, too. This is a hard one. He has historically been most interested in therapy/medication when he's least willing to do the work. It's what he suggests when he doesn't want to make a real effort and wants to be "doing things" for show. (This is a pattern that has been present in our marriage in many, many areas.) I have not been supportive of that. I will absolutely be supportive if that's what he decides now that he's in a better state. 6 minutes ago, Lecka said: Have you read The Body Keeps the Score? I got a lot out of it. It would not have been on my radar as something applicable — it was recommended to my husband, though. I re-read it recently a year or so later and got totally different things from it the second time around. No, but I probably should. From what I've heard, it's applicable. Thank you for the recommendation. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted January 21, 2023 Share Posted January 21, 2023 (edited) I am very in favor of giving marriages a chance. Edit: I don’t think there’s any reason not to try. But I think it would be better to live apart longer than to move back too soon now that he has had one time in and out. I don’t think it something where you haven’t handled things well so far, just some things once you try them once and it doesn’t work, it’s better not to do again, but that can be hard when it’s also something that was a choice that made sense once before. Edited January 21, 2023 by Lecka 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted January 21, 2023 Share Posted January 21, 2023 I do but I’m not going to post it on an internet board. I will say the most important thing is for you to be okay in all respects yourself. That way, you can handle anything for you and for your kids 💪 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melmichigan Posted January 21, 2023 Share Posted January 21, 2023 (edited) I am in favor of giving marriage a chance. I considered divorce about 14-15 years into our marriage. We have now been married 29 years. I wish you the best in dealing with this, be kind to yourself. Edited January 21, 2023 by melmichigan 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted January 21, 2023 Author Share Posted January 21, 2023 39 minutes ago, melmichigan said: I am in favor of giving marriage a chance. I considered divorce about 14-15 years into our marriage. We have now been married 29 years. I wish you the best in dealing with this, be kind to yourself. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 21, 2023 Share Posted January 21, 2023 Yes; a family member. Married ~ 4 or 5 years, did not think she could continue on that road, may have moved out for a period of time. Counseling helped but probably what helped most was the guy said he would not continue indefinitely in limbo; he deserved someone who would return the love he felt he gave. They have now been married more than twenty years. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eilonwy Posted January 22, 2023 Share Posted January 22, 2023 No stories to share, but wishing your relationship and your family well. I hope things get better for you all. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barnwife Posted January 22, 2023 Share Posted January 22, 2023 OP, I can't think of any stories of the type you are asking for. However, I am hoping to be one. We are struggling here, too, although we haven't separated. I will say that for me, I do hope to improve things and end up with healthy, happy marriage with DH. It's going to take a lot of reflection, change, time, and effort for both of us. Anyway, just wanted to commiserate with you. I wish the best for you as you navigate this difficult path. 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted January 22, 2023 Share Posted January 22, 2023 I am sorry that you have to ask this question. No advice, and I hope the path forward becomes clear. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted January 22, 2023 Author Share Posted January 22, 2023 24 minutes ago, barnwife said: OP, I can't think of any stories of the type you are asking for. However, I am hoping to be one. We are struggling here, too, although we haven't separated. I will say that for me, I do hope to improve things and end up with healthy, happy marriage with DH. It's going to take a lot of reflection, change, time, and effort for both of us. Anyway, just wanted to commiserate with you. I wish the best for you as you navigate this difficult path. Same to you. It's not a place anyone wants to be 😕 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emba Posted January 22, 2023 Share Posted January 22, 2023 (edited) I do have an aunt and uncle who got a divorce and then after a year or two remarried and have stayed remarried for more than ten years now. I don’t know all of the story. I suspect that there were issues caused by PTSD he had/has from his job. Edited January 22, 2023 by Emba 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 22, 2023 Share Posted January 22, 2023 I’m so sorry your family is going through this. I know of two couples who spent time apart - both came back together. One couple needed space to process trauma individually. I wish you each peace as you walk through this. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted January 28, 2023 Author Share Posted January 28, 2023 Gosh, this stuff is so hard 😕. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WildflowerMom Posted January 28, 2023 Share Posted January 28, 2023 2 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said: Gosh, this stuff is so hard 😕. Yes, it is. I nearly ruined my marriage about 4 years into it. We made it through and are happier than ever. But it's hard as hell when you're in the midst of it. 💛💛💛 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted January 28, 2023 Share Posted January 28, 2023 (((( #Not_a_Number )))) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted January 28, 2023 Author Share Posted January 28, 2023 34 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said: Yes, it is. I nearly ruined my marriage about 4 years into it. We made it through and are happier than ever. But it's hard as hell when you're in the midst of it. 💛💛💛 What’s your story, if you don’t mind me asking? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WildflowerMom Posted January 28, 2023 Share Posted January 28, 2023 3 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said: What’s your story, if you don’t mind me asking? I'll pm you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 28, 2023 Share Posted January 28, 2023 (edited) The pastor of our church went through this many years ago. Their marriage had become so broken over the years, that when they finally went to counseling, even the Christian counselor advised them to divorce! It wasn't what they wanted to hear, so they stubbornly went to five more. Finally the sixth one agreed to work with them. Our pastor had suffered physical and mental abuse as a child and has ADHD. He is a brilliant person and I think that was also an obstacle, in a way. Through sheer determination they worked through layers of issues. (Our pastor admits that most of the issues were his.) That was 20 years ago, and they are a really lovely couple and so happy together. He can barely talk about her without tearing up because he is so grateful and loves her so much. I think key here was their determination to make it work and their willingness to actually do the work and change. I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish the very best for you! Edited January 28, 2023 by J-rap 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eilonwy Posted January 28, 2023 Share Posted January 28, 2023 @Not_a_Number, wishing you all strength and healing. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted January 28, 2023 Author Share Posted January 28, 2023 5 hours ago, J-rap said: The pastor of our church went through this many years ago. Their marriage had become so broken over the years, that when they finally went to counseling, even the Christian counselor advised them to divorce! It wasn't what they wanted to hear, so they stubbornly went to five more. Finally the sixth one agreed to work with them. Our pastor had suffered physical and mental abuse as a child and has ADHD. He is a brilliant person and I think that was also an obstacle, in a way. Through sheer determination they worked through layers of issues. (Our pastor admits that most of the issues were his.) That was 20 years ago, and they are a really lovely couple and so happy together. He can barely talk about her without tearing up because he is so grateful and loves her so much. I think key here was their determination to make it work and their willingness to actually do the work and change. I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish the very best for you! That's really inspiring. Yeah, DH is also brilliant, and it also kind of gets in the way. Do you know how it made things harder for your pastor? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 28, 2023 Share Posted January 28, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Not_a_Number said: That's really inspiring. Yeah, DH is also brilliant, and it also kind of gets in the way. Do you know how it made things harder for your pastor? I think he just saw the world very differently as a result. And it was harder for him to get out of his own head and see different perspectives because he was so focused on his intellectual pursuits. ETA: I believe he's on the spectrum too, which adds another layer. Edited January 28, 2023 by J-rap 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted January 28, 2023 Author Share Posted January 28, 2023 54 minutes ago, J-rap said: I think he just saw the world very differently as a result. And it was harder for him to get out of his own head and see different perspectives because he was so focused on his intellectual pursuits. ETA: I believe he's on the spectrum too, which adds another layer. Ah, yeah, spectrum issues are their own thing. DH is not on the spectrum at all despite being a math professor... he has his own issues. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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