Have you ever felt "cherished?"

[Murphy101]

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Well, someone who doesn't accept me for who I am, but who feels like they have to mold me into someone different is not someone I consider a healthy relationship partner. . . .

There was a time when I would have agreed. But truth is there are times in many, if not most, marriages where one of them just does love more or better than the other.  I don’t think it’s unhealthy or horrid to wish it were more reciprocal. That we could DO something to make it more reciprocal. Alas. Free will is a b—. Even so, most of the times, they just keep loving anyways and get through it somehow. Or divorce I suppose. 🤷‍♀️
 

My Dh says he feels cherished by me. Though when I asked he also said “This sounds like a trap?!” LOL

Then he asked if I feel cherished to which I thought a second and shrugged and said “Yeah, I’m good.” Which he felt was not a very complimentary to him response .

He didn’t say he was hurt but I suspect it did hurt his feelings.  So now I’m stuck in this trap and will have to elaborate all weekend on how much I’m spoiled to make him feel better.  I don’t have a romantic bone in my body.  Pray for me.

 

[elinnea]

So if you do not feel cherished what can you do about it?  I grew up in a household where my parents always did little helpful acts of service and this is how I show love as well.  I thought this was "normal".  My spouse likes it when I do things for him but he doesn't really reciprocate.  I have tried talking to him about it but he gets annoyed and makes it sound like I am needy. 

[Melissa Louise]

6 minutes ago, elinnea said:

So if you do not feel cherished what can you do about it?  I grew up in a household where my parents always did little helpful acts of service and this is how I show love as well.  I thought this was "normal".  My spouse likes it when I do things for him but he doesn't really reciprocate.  I have tried talking to him about it but he gets annoyed and makes it sound like I am needy. 

Switch to doing helpful little things for yourself instead?

[Amy Gen]

30 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Switch to doing helpful little things for yourself instead?

I have had good success with this method, even though I know that is completely unsatisfying for other personalities. 
 

I love holidays. I always like to celebrate big. In fact, I’m already feeling happy since I decided I’m throwing a big Valentine’s Day party. My husband comes from a family where birthdays and holidays were no big deal. 
 

He was actually out of town on my birthday this year, so I planned what would make me happy. I got 4 of my kids and we packed a fancy picnic and went to the lake and had the best time ever. I even bought myself a birthday cake. I was happier planning what would make me happy than waiting around for my husband to do it for me. 
 

Our 30th anniversary is this summer. He wants to take me to Hawaii, but I don’t think I will be recovered from my second knee surgery  enough by summer to enjoy myself. I told him to “Just give me a budget.” Which seems unromantic, but it will suit me better to plan what I will actually enjoy. 
 

I’m thinking of saving the money until next Christmas and then surprising the kids with a Disney cruise. I’ll still get a vacation, but I’ll get to choose where when and with whom. 
 

My husband is happier when I’m happier, so sometimes I just have to treat myself! 

[Jean in Newcastle]

50 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

There was a time when I would have agreed. But truth is there are times in many, if not most, marriages where one of them just does love more or better than the other.  I don’t think it’s unhealthy or horrid to wish it were more reciprocal. That we could DO something to make it more reciprocal. Alas. Free will is a b—. Even so, most of the times, they just keep loving anyways and get through it somehow. Or divorce I suppose. 🤷‍♀️
 

My Dh says he feels cherished by me. Though when I asked he also said “This sounds like a trap?!” LOL

Then he asked if I feel cherished to which I thought a second and shrugged and said “Yeah, I’m good.” Which he felt was not a very complimentary to him response .

He didn’t say he was hurt but I suspect it did hurt his feelings.  So now I’m stuck in this trap and will have to elaborate all weekend on how much I’m spoiled to make him feel better.  I don’t have a romantic bone in my body.  Pray for me.

 

But you are defining love by your definition.  If I know that my husband loves me, why can't I just accept the way he shows it?  I've come to the conclusion that our marriage is much healthier if I do that.  Now both of us have grown in our marriage and do compromise and do try to reach out to each other.  But I don't think that it's fair if I hold him to my "romantic" idea of marriage or my "Hallmark" idea of how he should show his love on Valentine's Day etc. etc.  

When we were first married, my dh's first Christmas present to me were baking sheets.  I was a bit appalled inwardly.  How romantic was that?  It wasn't what "society" had told me was what he should get me for Christmas.  But then he excitedly told me about how he called local bakeries in town to ask all the professionals for advice on the very best baking sheets to get me.  It might not have been diamonds or flowers or something slinky but he wanted the very best for me.  And I have used those baking sheets for 30 years now and they are the best.  (And no, I don't know a brand.  I think that they were restaurant supply ones.) 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Melissa Louise said:

That song is probably why I hate the word so much!

It’s all starting to make sense to me now…. 😉 

[TheReader]

1 hour ago, elinnea said:

So if you do not feel cherished what can you do about it?  I grew up in a household where my parents always did little helpful acts of service and this is how I show love as well.  I thought this was "normal".  My spouse likes it when I do things for him but he doesn't really reciprocate.  I have tried talking to him about it but he gets annoyed and makes it sound like I am needy. 

This may not be what you want to hear, but what helped me was to really learn and look for how my DH shows love. 

For ex, early on in our marriage, he would come home from work and do the dishes, clean the kitchen, etc. And I would just feel so JUDGED, like he was silently, passive-agressively saying "Why didn't you do this today??"  Because, growing up in the family I grew up in, that's the kind of thing I learned to expect. (that kind of meaning)

Eventually, we took a course that involved the Love Languages book (which I know not all agree with/feels applies to them), and his strongest love language was acts of service. Huh.  (mine is words and touch, which are his 2 lowest). 

It wasn't overnight, but eventually, after some discussion/honest conversations, where I had to really make myself hear him (and believe he meant what he said), I realized.....when *he* does those things, what *he's* thinking is "Oh, she didn't get a chance to do this; let me help her out so it's not hanging over her head tomorrow" -- zero judgement, just him seeing a thing that still needs doing, and doing it. 

NOW, all these years later, that's how I have learned to interpret it when he does stuff like that. But I had to learn to speak his language/understand his language. Yes, it goes hand-in-hand with learning to also show him love in his preferred language, and, ideally, him learning to show me love in my preferred language -- what I've realized there is, as the "tank" for the main language gets filled, it gets easier to use the others.  

Long story short -- what things *does* your DH do to show you that he loves you? Look for those things. 

[DawnM]

4 hours ago, hjffkj said:

Haha, dh started singing this song to me when I first brought up this thread and I just stared at him blankly for a few seconds. Then I told him I had never heard that song

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree it's unfair to demonstrate your love for someone else using your preferred love language, then feel hurt/slighted/disappointed that they don't use your preferred love language to demonstrate their love for you. That's a double standard.   If you think it's cool for you to show someone else love using your love language, then you need to graciously accept their love for you using their love language. And if you decide they should love you using your preferences, then you need to love them using their preferences.  Fair is fair.

[hippymamato3]

On 1/25/2022 at 6:49 PM, Quill said:

I don’t really know where that connotation comes from, but it was definitely there since I was a teenager. My mother had a very romanticized view of relationships but I have a very pragmatic view. 
 

I mean, if I go way back to my teen years, I remember there was this sycophantic guy who wanted to date me. He literally would call my *mom* and say, “Miss Carol, what do I need to do to get Danielle to go out with me?” And my mom was always saying, “Oh, he just thinks the word of you. He would put you on a pedestal; he worships the ground you walk on. You should at least consider it…” But I did not *want* to be on a pedestal; I didn’t want someone worshiping the ground I walked on. I wanted someone who would be an equal partner to me. “Cherish” doesn’t sound like an equal partner. It just sounds needy to me.

This sounds gross - and not at all like what I consider feeling cherished.