deleted

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Katy]

Hugs.  I’d definitely do that, but I don’t think I’ve dealt with that kind of rumor ever.  Yes, call her.

[Farrar]

It's not right because it's exclusionary, but I think friends and connections are what tend to nip that sort of thing in the bud. I think I would reach out to your friendly acquaintance who's more in the loop and say that you'd appreciate her help in countering those rumors before they get out of hand. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[HS Mom in NC]

What if you phrase it from this angle:
"Hey, if you hear (give brief description of wrong information), know that it's false info.  Somehow (give brief description of correct information) got twisted and is now running through the rumor mill.  If you hear someone else passing along wrong info, please correct them."

[catz]

I would consider opening with "hey, this is awkward but I heard rumor X is making the rounds for some reason and I am worried about how my kid is going to take it.  " and follow with clarifying info.  Or even say, do you have any advice since we're new to this community on "situation" without even asking her specifically to do anything up front?  It could probably lead to her spreading appropriate info anyway.  

Honestly, stuff like this is what led us to leave some communities behind if I got the sense gossip and jumping to conclusion was a regular part of a community's vibe.  To me it also depends what it is.  Some things I just can't even care that much about.  Sometimes people are just going to talk and modeling knowing when to let that kind of thing go has been a positive for my own kids. 

I might also train your kids to respond appropriately if THEY hear something which they probably will if blabbing is in progress. 

[Farrar]

46 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

When you say it’s not right, what part do you mean?

To be clear, I have no idea who is spreading this, or whether my acquaintance has heard it.  I don’t want to accuse her of gossip but since her kid has been at the school for a few years I figure she probably knows more parents than I do. 

I mean that it's not right that you have to be "in" and "connected" in order to have an opportunity to stop a rumor. That's why communities get cliqueish and how gossip is more often used against people who are in out groups or minorities or just... new to a community. People should just not gossip in the first place and should take things kids say with a grain of salt. But I also think gossip is really... normal. 

I wouldn't assume anyone is trying to be malicious. That just sets you up to be defensive. I'd just go into it saying hey, I sort of heard a rumor and I'm not that well connected here, so I can see that people don't know us and might think it's true, but I just wanted to clear it up and discourage people from spreading false information. 

[pinball]

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I found out yesterday that some information that my kid has shared has led to rumors among the kids and parents in my kids’ school community.  

Like most rumors the rumors have a core of truth but people are jumping from what my kid shared to conclusions that are completely untrue and potentially very harmful to my kids.

I am wondering if I makes sense for me to go to one of the parents I know and say “hey, I know people are saying X, if you hear it can you share Y with them?”  This isn’t someone I would consider a friend, I don’t yet have friends in the community but it’s someone I see regularly who has been friendly with me.  

Has anyone done something like that.

What did you say to the person who told you about the rumor? Did you tell them the actual facts? 
 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

Try living in a small country town. Every interaction with anyone is like a giant game of Chinese whispers.

 

edited to add, I think I would just play Chinese whispers with my kids and explain how rumors start and how they spread. How the reality gets lost in the spreading and what you hear back at the end is hardly recognisable from what was first told

Edited September 19, 2021 by Melissa in Australia

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[pinball]

Just now, BaseballandHockey said:

So, no one said anything to me.  The father of a kid who is friends with my older kid said something to someone close to me, who corrected them and then told me.  But I wasn’t there.  

Well, that’s good that someone spoke the truth!

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[katilac]

I think addressing rumors usually fans the flames. 

Also, a casual acquaintance asking me to address a rumor about them would make me very uncomfortable. 

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Lecka]

I would not do anything.  
 

I would wait for it to blow over or think it was too bad but unlikely to really matter if one of my kids had made a friend at school.  
 

It sounds like it might be a misunderstanding more than malicious gossip.  
 

If you find out your kids are being treated poorly at school that is different and I would contact the school.  
 

 

[NewnameC]

26 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

So, the rumor is along the lines of “Don’t let your children play with (my kids) because . . .”  

For kids who are brand new in the school community it’s devastating.  

How would you address it, it it were your kids? 

 

I don’t consider that a rumor, I consider that plain mean. (Unless you are saying, I was told by a friend that someone told her not to allow her children to play with your children, because of xyz reasons. Since you know it was said to a friend of yours, you now want to know if this mean statement has been said to others.)
 

I would address either instance similarly to how Fuzzy suggested. However, I would phrase it as asking her advice on what you should do as a new parent in school facing this situation and I would not ask her to do anything. She may volunteer to do something, but I would allow it to be completely her offer.

 

 

[katilac]

3 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

So, the rumor is along the lines of “Don’t let your children play with (my kids) because . . .”  

For kids who are brand new in the school community it’s devastating.  

How would you address it, it it were your kids? 

 

I don't think that I would. I can't imagine what would come after the ellipses that's anyone's business, a valid reason.  and also quickly and easily addressed. If it helps, I can't imagine a school full of tweens and teens who are going to not play with someone because their mama said so. And I can imagine lots of parents gossiping for sure, but I can't imagine very many going so far as forbidding their kids to play with yours. 

We did have more than one similar experience, so I'm not completely guessing at what I would do here. We homeschooled, and the social pickings were slim sometimes, but I'm not going around explaining my life choices to people. If it's a question of safety, like someone said you have an unsecured gun in the house, then yes, I would say something as relevant (when issuing an invitation). 

So, I don't see a situation where I would decide to address it. Rumors come and rumors go. If I felt it was necessary for some reason, I'd be more likely to go through the counselor or principal over a parent I barely know. But I don't think I would. 

 

[J-rap]

I guess I'd need a little more info, and dealing with incorrect information being passed around about my children for sure might require a different approach.

The only experience I've had with rumors about our family was several years ago when my dh was trying to decide whether to split his company and move part of it to a new city.  We decided to temporarily rent a home in that new city, and our oldest kids went to a charter school there for the year while I homeschooled all of our younger ones.  We considered it an adventure, and I was closer to my own siblings which was fun.  My dh had to go back and forth between our real home/company base and our temporary home.  

In the end we decided against it, but --oh!  the rumors that spread that year!  Anyone who knew us well would know how ridiculous it was, but other people surmised that my dh and I had separated!  We decided to just let it go and let people think what they wanted.  Time eventually reveals the truth. 

 

[NewnameC]

53 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

So, the rumor is along the lines of “Don’t let your children play with (my kids) because . . .”  

For kids who are brand new in the school community it’s devastating.  

How would you address it, it it were your kids? 

 

I read your post earlier in the week about your son’s reaction to lunch, and I’m going to use it as how I would reply.

So, the rumor would be don’t invite those new kids, because their parents won’t let them do anything because they are scared of ….

I would counter that by having your sons inviting others to do things that are in your family’s comfort zone or hosting events that are in your family’s or kid’s comfort zone. 

If it is something like that, I would consider the rumor, if it was mainly true, to be folks trying to be  helpful. This way your kids aren’t required to explain why they are saying no to every invite. 

In his early teens, my son once invited a Muslim friend to spend a night at his grandparents at the last minute. He made sure to tell his grandmother that the friend was Muslim and therefore couldn’t eat xx. My son wasn’t spreading rumors, he was making sure his friend had suitable food while visiting. 
 

 

 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

@BaseballandHockey I'm so sorry your family is having to deal with this. 🌻

[Lecka]

I also don’t think kids this age listen to their parents that much about who to play with.  And I also don’t think they would really not let kids be invited.  
 

I would picture maybe something like “would you be allowed to come over?” said to your kid.  And then your kid says yes or no.  
 

If it is something more extreme than this — I don’t know.

 

Like — is the gossip that you are bad people who have bad children?  Or more that you are strict?  
 

I am picturing more along the lines of that you have a reputation for being strict.  
 

This is really not the worst reputation to have!  But people do talk about it, lol.  But it’s not a reputation where people don’t want their kids to be friends with your kids.

 

If the gossip is more that your kids are mean or you are bad parents — I would say, it sounds like it couldn’t be “that” bad if you heard about it from the dad of *one of your kids’ friends.* 

 

The gossip about strict parents is not really “bad, mean” gossip.  And people don’t feel bad because it’s not mean-spirited gossip as much as “they are so strict!” but nobody thinks it is a real problem.  
 

And if this is way off — oh well 😉