Can we talk about 5 year olds?

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, OH_Homeschooler said:

Ouch

Not sure why you are saying Ouch.  I am very very familiar with this family and this is not working out for them obviously.  So yes, if she asked my opinion I would definitely tell her I think she should quit her job and focus on her children.  Her husband already works 60 hours a week so he is not available to help much as it is.

[Shoeless]

57 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Her husband makes plenty to feed the kids.  He works for UPS and works 60 hours a week.  I think they have created a mess of a life for  themselves, but IMO it is not being solved by farming out 3 little girls to various friends and relatives while she goes to work full time.  

It sounds like the kids would be better off in paid daycare or pre-K, if the plan is for both parents to work full time. The 5 year old needs something where there is a consistent routine and expectations. If they could theoretically afford to live off just dad's salary, then surely they could afford to put mom's salary toward daycare? 

The current situation sounds like a mess, but not necessarily abusive or as grim as some people have pointed out.  Everyone sounds young, inexperienced, and overwhelmed. 

[OH_Homeschooler]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Not sure why you are saying Ouch.  I am very very familiar with this family and this is not working out for them obviously.  So yes, if she asked my opinion I would definitely tell her I think she should quit her job and focus on her children.  Her husband already works 60 hours a week so he is not available to help much as it is.

I'd assume the mother and the person who is actually in the situation is well aware of the options available to her and has put a lot of thought into going to work. "Just stay home and raise your own kids," isn't always the best option, even if finances allow for it. This situation may not be working out but maybe it's still better than her staying home all day with the kids.  

You are assuming they are doing fine financially based on her husband working 60 hours a week, but that is a very strong assumption. No matter how much you think you know someone outside your household, there is always more going on than you will or should know. 

[Clarita]

 If the mom does want to work fulltime and they can afford it, she's inexperienced and overwhelmed daycare/preschool is a great option. I learned A LOT as an inexperienced mother when I sent my eldest to daycare while I worked fulltime. I know there are some preschools (especially those offered through the city) even require and offer parenting classes along with the preschool program. Then the parents can get specific advice pertaining to what works with their children. (Sometimes generic advice is hard because the parents think "But you aren't dealing with my child.")

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, MissLemon said:

It sounds like the kids would be better off in paid daycare or pre-K, if the plan is for both parents to work full time. The 5 year old needs something where there is a consistent routine and expectations. If they could theoretically afford to live off just dad's salary, then surely they could afford to put mom's salary toward daycare? 

The current situation sounds like a mess, but not necessarily abusive or as grim as some people have pointed out.  Everyone sounds young, inexperienced, and overwhelmed. 

Yes.  This.  Thank you.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, OH_Homeschooler said:

I'd assume the mother and the person who is actually in the situation is well aware of the options available to her and has put a lot of thought into going to work. "Just stay home and raise your own kids," isn't always the best option, even if finances allow for it. This situation may not be working out but maybe it's still better than her staying home all day with the kids.  

You are assuming they are doing fine financially based on her husband working 60 hours a week, but that is a very strong assumption. No matter how much you think you know someone outside your household, there is always more going on than you will or should know. 

And yet I can bet I know more about their life than you do.  

[Scarlett]

46 minutes ago, Clarita said:

 If the mom does want to work fulltime and they can afford it, she's inexperienced and overwhelmed daycare/preschool is a great option. I learned A LOT as an inexperienced mother when I sent my eldest to daycare while I worked fulltime. I know there are some preschools (especially those offered through the city) even require and offer parenting classes along with the preschool program. Then the parents can get specific advice pertaining to what works with their children. (Sometimes generic advice is hard because the parents think "But you aren't dealing with my child.")

Although it is not a choice I would make, I can definitely say putting them in daycare/preschool would be a better option than what they are doing now.  

[Tanaqui]

If you think her husband should quit her job to watch the kids so she can continue to work, by all means, suggest it.

I think that if two working parents haven't twigged that a single caregiver is a better plan than moving the kids around then the issue is probably that their cash flow is not as good as you imagine from the outside.

[Scarlett]

29 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

If you think her husband should quit her job to watch the kids so she can continue to work, by all means, suggest it.

I think that if two working parents haven't twigged that a single caregiver is a better plan than moving the kids around then the issue is probably that their cash flow is not as good as you imagine from the outside.

Without putting too many details on here I can tell you I do know the husband makes enough to support them.  And if there is a cash flow problem   It could be corrected still on one income.  
 

 

[PeterPan]

18 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Although it is not a choice I would make, I can definitely say putting them in daycare/preschool would be a better option than what they are doing now.  

Well not to be trite, but the parents will solve their problem when others stop solving it for them. People are enabling her to punt by offering to do below value services, etc. If there's no economic direness, why are people watching this woman's problem child??? Doesn't make sense. 

[Scarlett]

49 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Well not to be trite, but the parents will solve their problem when others stop solving it for them. People are enabling her to punt by offering to do below value services, etc. If there's no economic direness, why are people watching this woman's problem child??? Doesn't make sense. 

That is what I told the sitter.  Everyone needs to stop solving the parents problems for them.  Overall solutions look easy from here, but I was just trying to help with the question asked of me....dealing with the difficult 5 year old. 

[Katy]

DCS in Oklahoma won’t care.  I once called for something involving children and meth that was obviously criminal and abusive, but the police didn’t care and CPS’s tone was that I was wasting their time. 

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Katy said:

DCS in Oklahoma won’t care.  I once called for something involving children and meth that was obviously criminal and abusive, but the police didn’t care and CPS’s tone was that I was wasting their time. 

Right.  I know that is true too, but honestly in no way do I believe this parenting or sitter is CPS worthy.  

[kiwik]

On 7/18/2021 at 2:57 AM, FuzzyCatz said:

I haven't read all the responses, but that sitter sounds awful.  If you want a young child to wash their hands and not play, walk them into the bathroom and remove toys.  Preferably with a sing song voice "let's go wash our hands, scrub scrub scrub.  Time to eat, I will hold your toy.  What do you want to do after lunch?".  Her methods are boarderline abusive.  And mom sounds awful too if she thinks regularly hitting a 5 year old is a solution.  

Well she is refusing to spank the kid as the mum suggests.  The other punishments sound like things that were done with her so she may know no other way.  The fact she is asking for advice and appears to be listening suggests she is able to learn.  

[kiwik]

On 7/20/2021 at 4:31 AM, Scarlett said:

Not sure why you are saying Ouch.  I am very very familiar with this family and this is not working out for them obviously.  So yes, if she asked my opinion I would definitely tell her I think she should quit her job and focus on her children.  Her husband already works 60 hours a week so he is not available to help much as it is.

I am assuming they can afford to do without her income? I would never advise a woman to totally give up work though.  Marriages fail and it is a hell of a lot easier to get back on your feet if you haven't been out of the workforce for years.  Although are your schools open yet? Because the older 2 will be at school soon won't they? And then maybe she could afford to send the little one to daycare.

Edited July 23, 2021 by kiwik

[Scarlett]

49 minutes ago, kiwik said:

I am assuming they can afford to do without her income? I would never advise a woman to totally give up work though.  Marriages fail and it is a hell of a lot easier to get back on your feet if you haven't been out of the workforce for years.  Although are your schools open yet? Because the older 2 will be at school soon won't they? And then maybe she could afford to send the little one to daycare.

There is zero doubt in my mind they could live on her husband's salary if they chose to do so. 

Becoming divorced or widowed is always a possibility....but certainly not absolute.  The 3 little girls are an absolute and they need their mother at this point in their life.  

I am not clear what the are going to be doing for school.  They have been doing virtual all through the pandemic, but I saw on her FB the other day that the 2 older ones are going to be going back to school.  I hope they do.  As much as I love homeschooling it is probably not the best choice for this family.

[SKL]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

There is zero doubt in my mind they could live on her husband's salary if they chose to do so. 

Becoming divorced or widowed is always a possibility....but certainly not absolute.  The 3 little girls are an absolute and they need their mother at this point in their life.  

I am not clear what the are going to be doing for school.  They have been doing virtual all through the pandemic, but I saw on her FB the other day that the 2 older ones are going to be going back to school.  I hope they do.  As much as I love homeschooling it is probably not the best choice for this family.

I'm not so sure this family is better off with the mom being the direct caregiver 24/7/365.  Money isn't the only reason to have other adults involved with kids.  Nor is it the only reason moms benefit from working out of the house.  And like it or not, a happy mom is better for a child than a trapped, frustrated mom.

My opinion might be influenced by how my mom used to say her job kept her sane enough to not kill her [6] children.  The "kill" part was a joke, but the "sane" part wasn't.

[Scarlett]

23 minutes ago, SKL said:

I'm not so sure this family is better off with the mom being the direct caregiver 24/7/365.  Money isn't the only reason to have other adults involved with kids.  Nor is it the only reason moms benefit from working out of the house.  And like it or not, a happy mom is better for a child than a trapped, frustrated mom.

My opinion might be influenced by how my mom used to say her job kept her sane enough to not kill her [6] children.  The "kill" part was a joke, but the "sane" part wasn't.

I can agree with this.  In fact, the mom's aunt who is my very close friend says this mom does not need to be the primary caregiver. That makes me terribly sad, but it is what it is.  I would prefer she learn some coping skills to be able to mother her own children full time or at least until they go to school, but second choice would be quality consistent child care.

 

Edited July 23, 2021 by Scarlett