another empty nester discussion

[HollyDay]

It is official, youngest dd is pretty much set to transfer from CC to university.  We met with lots of departments yesterday and she is registerd for classes, has her ID, her dorm assignment, finances in place, etc.  All that is left is to buy her books, finish buying some dorm supplies (xl twin sizes, some storage), pack her up and move her in.  I couldn't be happier with her situation.  Everything she wanted has happened.  All the classes, dorm selection, etc. is exactly what she wanted.  I've never seen another situation that fell into place so quickly and how she wanted. 

Oldest moved into a dorm last year.  We thought she would be coming back for summers and such, but she has decided to get an apartment and stay near campus.  She is 2 hours away but we have only seen her a few times since Christmas.  This summer she is working full time, taking 2 classes, boyfriend, etc.  There just aren't enough hours in the day to include a visit home or meeting somewhere in the middle for lunch or dinner. 

So, here I am.  Retired homeschooler.  Empty nester soon to be.   I'm happy for youngest.  It is the right time, right situation, for her to transfer.  It is a good thing. 

So why am I sad?  I know I'll cry when we drop her off

[Lori D.]

(((hugs))) HollyDay.  Being sad at the end of an era is very normal!

You are in good company in rejoicing for the good things that our adult children are moving on to, while simultaneously grieving the loss of the intensely powerful and meaningful homeschool experience, and the close relationship we have with our children when they are younger and living at home. Don't know if it will help, or just make you cry in advance (lol), but these threads are linked on page 5 of the big College Motherlode thread pinned at the top of the College board:

It hits me when I lease expect it 
Having a hard time letting go
Can you avoid the empty nest syndrome?

Edited June 28, 2019 by Lori D.

[GailV]

Congratulations on successfully launching another kiddo! 

And ((hugs)) for how tough that transition is.

[Mbelle]

Hugs! I get it and I'm not yet an empty nester.

I felt that way too when oldest dd moved to college. I was very happy for her and simultaneously there was a loss that i was sad for.  I think what made it harder for me is that there are a lot of people who only see the 100% positive and either truly don't feel any sadness or choose to ignore it and wonder aloud how I could possibly feel sad and insist that I should feel happy.  I just had to keep quiet because I think it truly upset them and they could not understand my sadness at all.   

[G5052]

1 hour ago, Margaret in CO said:

Yeah, it's tough. I go through it all over again when the ids deploy. That will be THREE of them this year!

 

Yes, I hear you. I'm headed that way with mine who is in the National Guard. His unit is on the short list. It's what they signed up for, but it's hard on us too. Mine was actually activated for hazardous duty just six weeks after finishing training, and that was hard. 

[Lori D.]

Not *nearly* as hazardous as what your DC are doing, Margaret and G5052, but I totally understand the "hard" -- that extra layer of worry on top of sad -- with DS#2 off in his 3rd season as a wild land firefighter. This season he's working extensively with a chainsaw (previously, it was hand tools/shovels, etc.), and he's gunning for a hot shot crew position (closer in on fires) for next season... 

[HollyDay]

4 hours ago, Mbelle said:

Hugs! I get it and I'm not yet an empty nester.

I felt that way too when oldest dd moved to college. I was very happy for her and simultaneously there was a loss that i was sad for.  I think what made it harder for me is that there are a lot of people who only see the 100% positive and either truly don't feel any sadness or choose to ignore it and wonder aloud how I could possibly feel sad and insist that I should feel happy.  I just had to keep quiet because I think it truly upset them and they could not understand my sadness at all.   

yes, I've seen this happen as well. 

[HollyDay]

I think this one is hitting me so hard because 1) it is my youngest, the dc I'm closest to (we share the same hobbies, music interests, books, etc). 2) I didn't think she would leave this soon.

Oldest dd finished her AA and left with 60 credit hours.  I was thinking youngest would get her AS and transfer...or at least get her core.  But, a wonderful opportunity opened up for her after she completed just 16 credit hours.  It was just the perfect situation for her and the degree path she wants to follow. 

Youngest is my quilting, embroidery, used book store shopper, old movie watcher.  We do so much together.  She is going to leave an real empty spot

Edited June 28, 2019 by HollyDay

[frogger]

I'm not there yet but I feel like my family is splitting up and am sad because we've always been all together. One teen is working out of town for the summer and the oldest son is always working and will be on the far side of the country to me. I'm just hoping teen 3 gets home before teen 1 leaves. It feels like the begining of the end. 😢 

 

I can't imagine dealing with deployments. That's a whole 'nother league.

[DawnM]

I had two away at college this last year and I was so sad.  The house was so empty and quiet and I wanted my babies home.

Next year middle has decided to transfer closer and live at home.  I didn't tell him how secretly thrilled I was that he was coming home.  

I don't want them all to move away.  I want opportunities for them but I don't......if that makes sense.

[regentrude]

Perfectly normal.

I had a hard time after my oldest left because we were very close and very similar. I thought it would be easier with the younger and was surprised that it hit me again. But that time, I got over it quicker.

You are grieving the end of an era in your life. The end of the hands-on active parenting years. All the time and energy you poured into this leave a hole, and it will take time to fill it. Give yourself grace.

[PeterPan]

21 hours ago, HollyDay said:

Youngest is my quilting, embroidery, used book store shopper, old movie watcher.  We do so much together.  She is going to leave an real empty spot

Aww, I'll bet this dd calls you and keeps up better. She'll be busy, but it sounds like you have a different type of relationship. She might. 

I think the other thing is you're going to make new friends to do those things with. Do you have plans to join a club or something? That's what I'm looking into. My life is just different with ds, and we don't fit in homeschool circles so much. I was realizing maybe I need to branch out and try post-homeschooling things, clubs, that kind of stuff. 

You could start planning cruises. That's my thing now. I'm going with a girlfriend this winter, so I'm psyched. Two frumpy women sitting in the hot tubs... Last cruise I took I ended up in a hot but with a man from the MAFIA! This time I'm being more careful. 

[marbel]

On 6/28/2019 at 2:00 PM, Mbelle said:

Hugs! I get it and I'm not yet an empty nester.

I felt that way too when oldest dd moved to college. I was very happy for her and simultaneously there was a loss that i was sad for.  I think what made it harder for me is that there are a lot of people who only see the 100% positive and either truly don't feel any sadness or choose to ignore it and wonder aloud how I could possibly feel sad and insist that I should feel happy.  I just had to keep quiet because I think it truly upset them and they could not understand my sadness at all.   

Both my kids are transferring to universities this fall.  They are not going far, but they will live on campus. I find it a bittersweet time. I'm happy and they are moving on in their lives and I'm kind of excited to have some of the house to claim.  But it's still a bit sad.

I know a few people like that. I don't get it. It seems perfectly normal to me that there would be sadness mixed with the happiness.  I'm sorry you had to keep quiet about your own feelings. 

 

[GailV]

On 6/28/2019 at 1:00 PM, Mbelle said:

Hugs! I get it and I'm not yet an empty nester.

I felt that way too when oldest dd moved to college. I was very happy for her and simultaneously there was a loss that i was sad for.  I think what made it harder for me is that there are a lot of people who only see the 100% positive and either truly don't feel any sadness or choose to ignore it and wonder aloud how I could possibly feel sad and insist that I should feel happy.  I just had to keep quiet because I think it truly upset them and they could not understand my sadness at all.   

Our church had a Bible study group specifically for parents who had a child leaving.  We met about once a month, and talked about the mixed emotions of them leaving AND of them coming back home for breaks. The participants were pretty much all over the spectrum on the road to empty nests -- first child going off to college, last child finishing up Masters degree.

It was nice to know there was a group who would automatically listen to all the thoughts.  And the fact that the church had the group gave it a vibe of "everyone here in this congregation gets it, even if we don't need to be in this group right now ourselves."

[regentrude]

4 hours ago, Seasider too said:

I keep feeling like I’m living in The Giver, only I don’t have a chosen/assigned place in productive society to return to. I mean, I work, but it’s not my life’s calling, kwim?

I am happy for where my kids are/are going. I’m glad they are independent. But I am not quite oriented to the new order of things yet. 

Oh boy, can I relate. I had a thread a few years ago when I as in that situation and received so many great suggestions, I'll post a link here, in case some of you find it helpful.

 

 

[HollyDay]

On 6/30/2019 at 8:20 AM, GailV said:

Our church had a Bible study group specifically for parents who had a child leaving.  We met about once a month, and talked about the mixed emotions of them leaving AND of them coming back home for breaks. The participants were pretty much all over the spectrum on the road to empty nests -- first child going off to college, last child finishing up Masters degree.

It was nice to know there was a group who would automatically listen to all the thoughts.  And the fact that the church had the group gave it a vibe of "everyone here in this congregation gets it, even if we don't need to be in this group right now ourselves."

I wish I could find something like this.  I've of course tried our church, and other churches in the area.  I've also tried library groups.   Many of the midlife groups I'm hearing about focus more on "living it up now that we are 'free.'" That is not my focus, but I would consider attending if we had one in our area

[Mbelle]

Getting oriented and finding a direction is where I am right now and it is confusing.  I find myself going around in circles.

11 hours ago, Seasider too said:

I keep feeling like I’m living in The Giver, only I don’t have a chosen/assigned place in productive society to return to. I mean, I work, but it’s not my life’s calling, kwim?

I am happy for where my kids are/are going. I’m glad they are independent. But I am not quite oriented to the new order of things yet. 

  I do still have my little one and he's going to be the important thing, but I do have time to work and right now I'm in the middle of figuring it out.   I started by just applying to the Tech school for radiology tech and was accepted, I talked to a BS to BSN program and I recently talked to another one that had half online half in clinical rotations which would work for me but it super $$$.  My other option is starting a tuition based coop and I have years of experience with that by participating and teaching, but I haven't thrown out a line to see if there is any interest and I'm not sure how much I would make.  I love teaching, but also like making money.  We will have 2 college at the same time for 2 years.  

[G5052]

On 6/29/2019 at 4:44 AM, frogger said:

I'm not there yet but I feel like my family is splitting up and am sad because we've always been all together. One teen is working out of town for the summer and the oldest son is always working and will be on the far side of the country to me. I'm just hoping teen 3 gets home before teen 1 leaves. It feels like the begining of the end. 😢 

I can't imagine dealing with deployments. That's a whole 'nother league.

 

You'll find your way. Plan more adult activities to ease the transition. I do some volunteering that brought in a new circle of friends that I'm enjoying. I am taking classes and found one career path that I definitely have ruled out. I only have one class left in the certificate and will finish it, and then I have something else I'm pretty sure I'm going to pursue that is a better fit. So I'm busy with my own life now. 

I'm renting for probably another 2-3 years until I see what the college kids are going to do. Both want to stay in the area, but who knows. I like where we are, so I'm not leaving this area. What they do is up to them. 

[HollyDay]

On 6/29/2019 at 3:12 PM, PeterPan said:

Aww, I'll bet this dd calls you and keeps up better. She'll be busy, but it sounds like you have a different type of relationship. She might. 

I think the other thing is you're going to make new friends to do those things with. Do you have plans to join a club or something? That's what I'm looking into. My life is just different with ds, and we don't fit in homeschool circles so much. I was realizing maybe I need to branch out and try post-homeschooling things, clubs, that kind of stuff. 

You could start planning cruises. That's my thing now. I'm going with a girlfriend this winter, so I'm psyched. Two frumpy women sitting in the hot tubs... Last cruise I took I ended up in a hot but with a man from the MAFIA! This time I'm being more careful. 

I've been trying to plug in but haven't had much success so far.  We are fairly new to the area.  Not so new that we are a novelty and folks are curious about us.  But, we have been here a little while now.  Those years have been packed with major medical issues, deaths in family, etc. so plugging in has not been possible.  Now I'm finding folks aren't too receptive.  It is like, "why are you doing this plugging in now...why not when you first moved here?" I'm not giving up, just not finding many choices

[PeterPan]

2 hours ago, HollyDay said:

I'm not giving up, just not finding many choices

Maybe become a snowbird and go somewhere else part of the year? 

[Ali in OR]

I've had one leave, one who will never leave (disabled), and one with 2 more years. I spent a year getting courses done, etc, to go back to work, then a year subbing, then a year as an educational assistant in the high school which I love (but I'd rather teach if an opening come up). It has really helped to start having my own life. I was way too guilty of living through my kids. I know I'll be sad when youngest leaves and the house is more empty, but it won't be as bad now that I have something to do. And I do like making money and I do like being around high schoolers.