Freezing/other negative reactions when someone is sad (how common is this?)

[Janie Grace]

This is sort of a spin off of the missed anniversary gift thread. Someone said there that their dh doesn't respond well to tears or sadness due to his upbringing and it made me wonder... how common is this? My dh is the same way and I can't figure it out. If I am crying (even if it's not because he hurt me, just some other hurtful thing that happened), he seems panicked. To me, it's so instinctive to reach out and hug someone who is crying or at least say things like "Oh Honey, I'm so sorry. I understand. It's not fair that this happened (or whatever empathetic thing is appropriate)." But dh just seems frozen.

 

He does feel sympathy for people who are hurting but he processes things rationally, like "how can this be fixed?" rather than empathetically (emotionally). It used to really hurt me that he doesn't have an instinct to comfort (doesn't everyone comfort those they love?!?), but I guess I've just gotten used to it. He would hug a kid who got hurt or whatever but then quickly move on to distraction techniques or trying to make the kid laugh. And if a kid's feeling are hurt, it's more about helping the kid figure out how to process the situation correctly (than letting the kid feel the feelings).

 

Is this a stereotypically male thing? A product of upbringing? A function of personality? 

 

He was raised by an unemotional (except anger) military dad and a mom who rarely lost it/cried. So I have wondered if it's partly that he never really saw emotion (and empathy) expressed when he was a kid.

[Laura Corin]

This is sort of a spin off of the missed anniversary gift thread. Someone said there that their dh doesn't respond well to tears or sadness due to his upbringing and it made me wonder... how common is this? My dh is the same way and I can't figure it out. If I am crying (even if it's not because he hurt me, just some other hurtful thing that happened), he seems panicked. To me, it's so instinctive to reach out and hug someone who is crying or at least say things like "Oh Honey, I'm so sorry. I understand. It's not fair that this happened (or whatever empathetic thing is appropriate)." But dh just seems frozen.

 

He does feel sympathy for people who are hurting but he processes things rationally, like "how can this be fixed?" rather than empathetically (emotionally). It used to really hurt me that he doesn't have an instinct to comfort (doesn't everyone comfort those they love?!?), but I guess I've just gotten used to it. He would hug a kid who got hurt or whatever but then quickly move on to distraction techniques or trying to make the kid laugh. And if a kid's feeling are hurt, it's more about helping the kid figure out how to process the situation correctly (than letting the kid feel the feelings).

 

Is this a stereotypically male thing? A product of upbringing? A function of personality? 

 

He was raised by an unemotional (except anger) military dad and a mom who rarely lost it/cried. So I have wondered if it's partly that he never really saw emotion (and empathy) expressed when he was a kid.

 

I don't panic but I tend to react intellectually.  I have taught myself to say the 'caring' words and give the appropriate hugs.  But basically I see tears as a request for a bad situation to be fixed.  It doesn't mean that I don't care, it's just that my caring leads in a different direction.

 

My parents were somewhate unemotional when I was small, but I don't know if it's that or just my personality.

 

Edited February 27, 2018 by Laura Corin

[trulycrabby]

I don't think it's necessarily a male trait to be at a loss for words and/or unsure about how to comfort someone who is upset, esp. when that person is an adult.

[happi duck]

My dh freezes when strong emotion is involved. He was raised to think emotions we're bad.

 

He was never comforted in his foo so he has zero instincts.

 

The freezing frustrates me because in the moment I need comfort I can't understand why remembering to hold me (like discussed in non emotional times) is so impossible, kwim?

 

It frustrates him too. I appreciate that he's trying.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think the only "there there" I tend to give is towards my children.  With adults I am more likely to want to react intellectually.   My husband is the same. 

 

 

[regentrude]

I don't panic but I tend to react intellectually.  I have taught myself to say the 'caring' words and give the appropriate hugs.  But basically I see tears as a request for a bad situation to be fixed.  It doesn't mean that I don't care, it's just that my caring leads in a different direction.

 

Same here. My first instinct is to search for a solution to the problem. I have taught myself to respond the way women expect me to respond and can say the sympathetic words and give hugs etc. But my first response is wanting to fix things.

 

My DH is the same. He has learned to ask whether I need him to help me solve my problem or need him to tell me "poor you". He shows caring by finding solutions to problems. To him, the response "poor you" is illogical because it does not fix anything; but he can hear what it is sometimes needed and respond accordingly to make somebody feel better.

 

Edited February 27, 2018 by regentrude

[Janie Grace]

If its an adult crying, its very common. Its sad, so many cry for little things that the big things (cancer diagnosis, death of a parent, etc) get ignored. 

 

Do you really think this is the case? Like, an emotional adult "cries wolf"(by crying when a family member hurts their feelings or something) and so when they get cancer, no one comforts them???

 

I have no category for this. I don't consider anything "too little to cry about" (even though I don't cry over smaller hurts, I would never judge someone who does) and I cannot imagine disqualifying someone for care/compassion because they cry over smaller things. I also can't imagine anyone (including someone like my dh) ignoring the pain of someone with cancer or a dead parent. He might feel awkward but he certainly wouldn't ignore them.

 

Can you explain what you mean?

[SparklyUnicorn]

Do you really think this is the case? Like, an emotional adult "cries wolf"(by crying when a family member hurts their feelings or something) and so when they get cancer, no one comforts them???

 

I have no category for this. I don't consider anything "too little to cry about" (even though I don't cry over smaller hurts, I would never judge someone who does) and I cannot imagine disqualifying someone for care/compassion because they cry over smaller things. I also can't imagine anyone (including someone like my dh) ignoring the pain of someone with cancer or a dead parent. He might feel awkward but he certainly wouldn't ignore them.

 

Can you explain what you mean?

 

I don't know what she means.  But FWIW, I cry pretty easily.  YET I am not one to react necessarily super lovey dovey when someone cries.  Not that I would never comfort.  Just, I do tend to want to solve the problem and am more matter of fact about it.

[TravelingChris]

My first reaction is how to fix things.  I have learned to be more sympathetic and not always try to solve problems/  My dh still complains at times that I am not a more emotional person.  I love my kids but when they have a problem, like my youngest who is having enormous Asthma issues now, my first reaction is to get her help, not spout platitudes.

[Carol in Cal.]

My husband actually gets kind of mean if I am crying.  One time he actually said to me, "Quit your bawling."  I don't cry often, but he just responds badly to it.  

 

I have concluded that while he will help me if I'm sick or injured, he can't stand me being what he considers weak.  So that is fine.  I am a business woman, and I know how to hide weakness.  So that is what I do.  

[Janie Grace]

My husband actually gets kind of mean if I am crying.  One time he actually said to me, "Quit your bawling."  I don't cry often, but he just responds badly to it.  

 

I have concluded that while he will help me if I'm sick or injured, he can't stand me being what he considers weak.  So that is fine.  I am a business woman, and I know how to hide weakness.  So that is what I do.  

 

This makes me sad. :( I'm sorry.

[fralala]

So, that's my husband, and we are basically opposites in this department.

 

I understand it. For him, at least, I am saddened that it is not just the cultural aspect of having been comforted with the words "Don't cry" (which is normal) but the fact of being beaten as a child. For someone who was, I think, a very sensitive child, having to shut off his own expressions of extreme pain (emotional and physical) make it distressing for him to see others showing those emotions (especially his dear children-- he often has to just walk away). I don't think this is uncommon in people who have suffered various forms of abuse that go way beyond the smattering of spankings I received as a child: it is awfully hard to give what one has never received, and denies needing.

 

Now, I'm definitely not saying this is true of strictly rational types who simply think differently, and approach the world pragmatically. This is often a necessary and helpful approach to take. However,

my personal approach is that feelings are not problems to be solved, but simply (oft fleeting) emotional states to be acknowledged, part of the complex gift of being human. Sometimes they are a sign that something needs fixing, but they can also be stubbornly irrational. Ultimately, I believe in regular catharsis, which-- thankfully for my marriage!-- one can also get through hilarity.

[fralala]

My husband actually gets kind of mean if I am crying.  One time he actually said to me, "Quit your bawling."  I don't cry often, but he just responds badly to it.  

 

I have concluded that while he will help me if I'm sick or injured, he can't stand me being what he considers weak.  So that is fine.  I am a business woman, and I know how to hide weakness.  So that is what I do.  

 

By the way, I don't like that this happens, but I'm liking it because this rang very true, for us. I actually feel sorry for my husband, not myself. How sad to be so weak you cannot stand to see your wife cry. It makes me feel strong that there is no emotion I cannot face and accept.

[Ausmumof3]

One other thing that may play into this though it may not. For me I really hate that I'm crying, I find it embarrassing unless there's a really major reason to cry and even then it's difficult. But I cry relatively easily unfortunately.

 

So my urge is to get away from people and go sort myself out. I don't want anyone to notice that I'm crying, about to cry or have been crying. So if I see someone crying I'm likely to not draw attention to it or make it obvious that I've noticed. Because I'm treating them the way I want to be treated!

 

I have learned to be a bit more openly sympathetic but I have to remind myself!

[Carol in Cal.]

This makes me sad. :( I'm sorry.

 

You know, it made me really angry at first, because I think it's entirely inappropriate on his part.

And, I am not sure that my response is entirely a healthy one for a relationship, either.  It's put a callous, more or less, between the two of us.  But, I don't really know of an alternative, and again I don't cry much.  So it's not as bad as it probably sounds.  But thank you.

[happi duck]

This thread is interesting to me because DH and I deal with this.

 

Some of you who've posted seem to see comforting someone as not being productive/helpful. I'm also surprised by comments like 'poor me' or 'platitudes'.

 

Ime, being comforted *does* help me, it *is* part of the solution. When I am comforted I never want platitudes.

 

I thought that everyone needs/appreciates to be comforted (by my definition) from time to time but from this thread I'm thinking that's not true.

 

Very interesting.

[SparklyUnicorn]

You know, it made me really angry at first, because I think it's entirely inappropriate on his part.

And, I am not sure that my response is entirely a healthy one for a relationship, either.  It's put a callous, more or less, between the two of us.  But, I don't really know of an alternative, and again I don't cry much.  So it's not as bad as it probably sounds.  But thank you.

 

I don't know why your husband does this, but I admit I get almost angry when my husband is sick or upset.  I absolutely positively NEVER let on about this fact, but in my gut that is how I feel.  My theory as to why is I grew up surrounded by people who were never well and always highly emotional and unpredictable.  I basically rely heavily on my husband's sanity and even keel nature.  I think it is completely unfair of me to expect it and I REALLY hope he does not realize I think this way, but if I'm being brutally honest...that's the deal.

 

So..ya never really know exactly why people respond the way they do.  It might not be because they are a jerk.  I am not a jerk (I don't think).

 

But I am sorry he responds this way to you.  It's not cool.  

[Carol in Cal.]

I don't know why your husband does this, but I admit I get almost angry when my husband is sick or upset.  I absolutely positively NEVER let on about this fact, but in my gut that is how I feel.  My theory as to why is I grew up surrounded by people who were never well and always highly emotional and unpredictable. 

 

You know, I tend to be like that about depression and habitual, relentless complaining.  Same reason, with an NPD rellie in the mix just to make things more interesting.  So I get that.  Thanks.

 

[BooksandBoys]

You know, it made me really angry at first, because I think it's entirely inappropriate on his part.

And, I am not sure that my response is entirely a healthy one for a relationship, either. It's put a callous, more or less, between the two of us. But, I don't really know of an alternative, and again I don't cry much. So it's not as bad as it probably sounds. But thank you.

My husband is like this. He cannot be near me when I (or the kids) am upset. It’s definitely damaged our relationship. I’m not a crier, so when I do cry, I’m very, very hurt. To have to process that hurt alone is painful. To have to manage all of the children’s tears alone as well is exhausting.

[HS Mom in NC]

Some people are by nature doers and long term thinkers.  It makes sense in our minds to emotionally detach so we can intellectually process and strategize about how to solve the problem that caused the crying so as to make the crying and sad feelings go away.

If I'm talking about about something that has upset me it's because 99% of the time I want it FIXED. NOW. and I discuss it with the person I think can solve it.  I find it extremely condescending when someone has a there there attitude toward me. I want solutions. The other 1% of the time I preface my venting with, "I have to say this so this vein in my head doesn't explode......" 

I rarely cry, so when I do something catastrophic has happened, like someone has died. I've been married 25 years and probably can count the numbers of times I have cried on one hand. A hug is nice, but I don't need people telling me it will be OK or telling me "don't cry".  Otherwise I'm usually able to handle it on my own emotionally.  I'm baffled at how some people cry so easily about so many things. 

Yes, I can give other people a hug and hold them and tell them I'm so sorry, but it's not what I want when I'm feeling that way.

My husband usually handles it well, but none of us are criers so it doesn't come up often.

[Pam in CT]

re discomfort with / inability / unwillingness to "hold" other people's pain:

 

...  As far as someone ignoring the pain - emotional or physical -- of a cancer patient, its a well known fact that many people choose to drop the person as soon as they hear the diagnosis. They do not offer comfort or aid.  Its as if the person is already dead. 

 

 

This is so true, and to me gives a window into understanding the quandary of the "fix it" oriented problem-solvers, of which my own husband is one.

 

A terminal cancer diagnosis is the extreme example of a problem that isn't fixable.

 

It's a long miserable emotionally terrifying physically ghastly road, with one end.  Nobody, but nobody, no matter how much of a "fixer." denies or trivializes the reality of the pain... but, also, no one can fix it, either.

 

The only thing to be done, ultimately, is comfort.  Being there.  Trying to lighten the pain in tiny increments that are nearly useless in the moment and ultimately futile.

 

And it makes the fixer feel helpless.  The pain is both undeniable and vast, it's not fixable, it renders the person who loves the patient existentially impotent, run away.

 

 

It's a special circumstance but to me it gives an insight into why "fixers" like my husband, a good man, turn away from other, lesser forms of pain.

 

 

 

(Also a deep gratitude for those who DO come forward and try to hold one another's pain, even for a moment.  My father recently died of cancer, and I would not have guessed, beforehand, which of his friends and acquaintances would be the ones to come visit to the end.  Or what people who did, would DO, in those at-the-end perfectly futile "there, there" comfort visits.  They... mattered.)