Advice about anxious child

[hjffkj]

This is my 7 year old who used to have terrible meltdowns and just overall lacks coping skills. We are working on that. Here is what I need advice on currently to help her.

 

 

Every year around this time her anxiety is at its worse. The excitement an anticipation of christmas is too much for her. The closer we get to christmas the worse she is. Her anxiety manifests in having poor impulse control and then beating herself up inside because once again she failed to follow simple instructions. She tends to immediately do the complete opposite of what you ask. For example, just now as I tried to get her brother to nap I asked if she'd like to help by singing quietly while I rocked him. She said yes then immediately screamed in his face. Things like this happen all day long now. She immediately feels bad about what she does and then internalizes all that guilt.

 

Any tips on how I can help her and us lower her anxiety about Christmas. She says she's scared she won't get any presents, which we seriously talk about Everytime she brings it up. She always comes to the conclusion that she knows she'll get everything she wants and no one will not get her presents. But everyday her fear comes back.

 

Any help is greatly appreciated. She will be seeing a therapist to help with coping skills in the new year but I'd like to see how I can help her now.

[Bluegoat]

Have you talked with her about what would happen if her fears came true?

 

One thing I have found with anxious kids is that parents often, naturally, want to reassure them that their fear is not rational/necessary/whatever.  In some cases that makes sense, too - like a worry about the parents not loving them.

 

But I think that with some things, what can actually create more coping ability is the experience of having something come to pass, and it actually isn't the end of the world.  You don't realize that being cold, or feeling scared or unsure, is ok, until you experience it and it is actually not so bad as you thought.  And the parent trying to comfort you sometimes can even reinforce the idea that this would be a terrible calamity.

 

I'm not sure what the best way might be to apply that to your situation, but it's certainly true that if there were no presents, or not all the presents she wants, that would not be so bad.  She's seeing a calamity in what would be a disappointment, even though a very unlikely one.  One thing I would say is that in the long term I would really want to de-emphasise the idea that gift giving occasions are attached to receiving particular, expected items, or maybe even a lot of items.

 

 

[hjffkj]

Perhaps next time she brings it up, don't seriously talk about it. I don't mean ignore it, I mean just tell her "we have already talked about this haven't we? And what did I tell you about it? None of that has changed." And then just move on. One thing I have found with my oldest who is a bit of a worrier is that when I indulged the BIG DEAL OF IT ALL every time, it gave more weight to it. Yes, it's important to acknowledge our kids feelings and not make them feel like they are dumb for having them, but it's also important not inadvertently confirm that what they are concerned about is a real possibility worth worrying about.

 

Also this series of books has been recommended here before. I am finishing up a different one with DD9 and it's really helping her. We have the worry one, but I haven't started it yet.

 

https://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1591473144&pd_rd_r=JHR76TZGCR8CMRDZXYY9&pd_rd_w=xzvPK&pd_rd_wg=P6Efs&psc=1&refRID=JHR76TZGCR8CMRDZXYY9

 

Might be something to look into.

Well everytime we talk something new comes out, so I don't really think she's concerned about not getting presents, I think she doesn't know entirely what is causing her feelings and talking helps pull it out. Does that make sense? For example, it started with her fear santa will bring her coal because she's bad. One, we have always explained that the presents she gets has nothing to do with her behavior it's is because she is loved. The next time it was about not getting anything. The next it was about being disappointed with what she gets. Each time it starts the same but digs deeper.

 

Also, if I ignore it how you mention she interprets that as mom not caring about her feelings and she internalizes that negatively. She's so complex

 

Thank you for the book recommendations and the advice. I will look into those.

[AmandaVT]

Perhaps next time she brings it up, don't seriously talk about it.  I don't mean ignore it, I mean just tell her "we have already talked about this haven't we?  And what did I tell you about it?  None of that has changed."  And then just move on.  One thing I have found with my oldest who is a bit of a worrier is that when I indulged the BIG DEAL OF IT ALL every time, it gave more weight to it.  Yes, it's important to acknowledge our kids feelings and not make them feel like they are dumb for having them, but it's also important not inadvertently confirm that what they are concerned about is a real possibility worth worrying about. 

 

Also this series of books has been recommended here before.  I am finishing up a different one with DD9 and it's really helping her.  We have the worry one, but I haven't started it yet. 

 

https://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1591473144&pd_rd_r=JHR76TZGCR8CMRDZXYY9&pd_rd_w=xzvPK&pd_rd_wg=P6Efs&psc=1&refRID=JHR76TZGCR8CMRDZXYY9

 

Might be something to look into. 

 

We got DS in to see a therapist this year and it's been wonderful. 

 

She uses What to Do When You Worry Too Much as well and it's a great book to help worriers. 

 

She also recommended not talking about the worries too much. She says it may feel a little "mean" at first, but when we talk and talk and talk about the same things over and over again, it feeds the worries. The lesson from the book is "letting tiny worry seeds grow into giant worry tomatoes" and it's a great way to help kids think about it. She's done a great job of helping DS take control of his worries. We have a "worry box"  - if he starts worrying about something, he can write it down on a piece of paper and put it in the worry box. Then we have a set time of day (when needed) that we can talk about it. That cuts down on the perseverating. If he brings up a worry outside of that time, I gently remind him that we can talk about it when it's time. 

 

This doesn't apply to everyday stuff - for instance, if he was worried about thunderstorms and one hit, I wouldn't tell him not to worry about it until worry time. But if he was perseverating about Christmas, I'd have him write it down or draw a picture and we could talk about it at the set time. That way he gets to talk about his worries, but they are relegated to a set time during the day and the rest of the day he tries to put them out of his head. It works surprisingly well.

[hjffkj]

Have you talked with her about what would happen if her fears came true?

 

One thing I have found with anxious kids is that parents often, naturally, want to reassure them that their fear is not rational/necessary/whatever. In some cases that makes sense, too - like a worry about the parents not loving them.

 

But I think that with some things, what can actually create more coping ability is the experience of having something come to pass, and it actually isn't the end of the world. You don't realize that being cold, or feeling scared or unsure, is ok, until you experience it and it is actually not so bad as you thought. And the parent trying to comfort you sometimes can even reinforce the idea that this would be a terrible calamity.

 

I'm not sure what the best way might be to apply that to your situation, but it's certainly true that if there were no presents, or not all the presents she wants, that would not be so bad. She's seeing a calamity in what would be a disappointment, even though a very unlikely one. One thing I would say is that in the long term I would really want to de-emphasise the idea that gift giving occasions are attached to receiving particular, expected items, or maybe even a lot of items.

I have not taken this approach but it makes sense. I'll give that a try.

 

As for de-emphasizing, I would love that but it is tough. All the kids know that dh's parents will get them multiple gifts of exactly what they want. Dh and I are not like this. Our Christmas mornings are relatively low key present wise but they've always loved the morning. She really has zero problem once christmas has arrived which is good.

[hjffkj]

We got DS in to see a therapist this year and it's been wonderful.

 

She uses What to Do When You Worry Too Much as well and it's a great book to help worriers.

 

She also recommended not talking about the worries too much. She says it may feel a little "mean" at first, but when we talk and talk and talk about the same things over and over again, it feeds the worries. The lesson from the book is "letting tiny worry seeds grow into giant worry tomatoes" and it's a great way to help kids think about it. She's done a great job of helping DS take control of his worries. We have a "worry box" - if he starts worrying about something, he can write it down on a piece of paper and put it in the worry box. Then we have a set time of day (when needed) that we can talk about it. That cuts down on the perseverating. If he brings up a worry outside of that time, I gently remind him that we can talk about it when it's time.

 

This doesn't apply to everyday stuff - for instance, if he was worried about thunderstorms and one hit, I wouldn't tell him not to worry about it until worry time. But if he was perseverating about Christmas, I'd have him write it down or draw a picture and we could talk about it at the set time. That way he gets to talk about his worries, but they are relegated to a set time during the day and the rest of the day he tries to put them out of his head. It works surprisingly well.

Oh i like the set time idea!

[Bluegoat]

I have not taken this approach but it makes sense. I'll give that a try.

 

As for de-emphasizing, I would love that but it is tough. All the kids know that dh's parents will get them multiple gifts of exactly what they want. Dh and I are not like this. Our Christmas mornings are relatively low key present wise but they've always loved the morning. She really has zero problem once christmas has arrived which is good.

 

Yeah, different family gift practices can be very frustrating at times!  My dh's family is similar, and it's made it tricky to set the expectations we'd like.  I even find myself resenting a little that our gifts end up seeming non-exciting, when I think they would be very exciting if they weren't compared to the latest fad item.

[wendyroo]

DS8 has struggled with severe anxiety since he was a toddler. 

 

We have gone through What to Do When You Worry Too Much, and it was good, but it is hard because most of DS's worries are vague and nebulous.  He has ASD, so he finds it very hard to put any of his feelings into words.  I know when he is extra anxious because of his sleeping, eating, pacing, teeth grinding, and general behavior, but the best I can figure out is that it is general anxiety about change and uncertainty.  He always has a really hard time around holidays, but it is just because his life deviates a bit from the standard routine and that unsettles him.

 

The #1 thing that has helped is medication.  I know it is a big step, but his anti-anxiety medication (which he started when he was almost 5) has truly allowed him to cope with life.  It has been an unmitigated success, and I am thankful every day that he gets to experience things, even minor things like decorating the Christmas tree, without feeling overwhelming anxiety.

 

#2 has been keeping life as normal as possible until the last minute.  Our house was Christmas-free until this past weekend; he obviously knew it was coming because of store displays and extra curricular parties, but our house was a haven of normality.  We are still doing school as normal this week, because the more we deviate from the usual schedule, the more he will fret.

 

Third, has been adjusting my expectations during periods of increased anxiety.  When I know he is struggling, I preemptively start giving him more behavioral supports.  I mentally adjust his functional age down by a couple years and try to set him up for success by limiting chances for him to make poor choices.  For example, in your case I probably would not have asked your DD to sing for the baby during a time when she is struggling with anxious behaviors.

 

Wendy

[fairfarmhand]

WRT to Christmas, has she watched the old, animated version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas? This kind of message emphasizes the Christmas is fun even without presents. And I'd make a big deal about Christmas being family and pretty decorations and music, and 500 other things besides Christmas so even if the gifts aren't PERFECT it can still be fun.

 

My oldest was like this. She had a vision in her head about how things should go and if reality didn't match that ideal, she didn't know how to handle it. So we really had to work on flexible thinking, being able to go "well, it wasn't how I expected it, but it was great." I had an object lesson when my oldest was 10 and I was pregnant with my youngest. I was hoping for a girl and it was a boy. But things were fine.

 

So rather than reassuring her that x,y, z won't happen, it was important for my dd to hear, but if x,y, z does happen, that might leave room for a,b,c and that might be even better! 

 

At 7 that's a little young to understand, but she needs that vision of perfection in her head challenged a little bit. Not just about Christmas, but real life seldom meets ALL of our expectations, and things are okay anyway. 

 

So we'd talk through okay, you went to your friend's house and it was time to leave before you were able to play ponies. But you did get to swim, and bake cookies, and do puzzles, so it was a good time, even if it 100 percent wasn't what you expected. 

[OneStepAtATime]

DS8 has struggled with severe anxiety since he was a toddler. 

 

We have gone through What to Do When You Worry Too Much, and it was good, but it is hard because most of DS's worries are vague and nebulous.  He has ASD, so he finds it very hard to put any of his feelings into words.  I know when he is extra anxious because of his sleeping, eating, pacing, teeth grinding, and general behavior, but the best I can figure out is that it is general anxiety about change and uncertainty.  He always has a really hard time around holidays, but it is just because his life deviates a bit from the standard routine and that unsettles him.

 

The #1 thing that has helped is medication.  I know it is a big step, but his anti-anxiety medication (which he started when he was almost 5) has truly allowed him to cope with life.  It has been an unmitigated success, and I am thankful every day that he gets to experience things, even minor things like decorating the Christmas tree, without feeling overwhelming anxiety.

 

#2 has been keeping life as normal as possible until the last minute.  Our house was Christmas-free until this past weekend; he obviously knew it was coming because of store displays and extra curricular parties, but our house was a haven of normality.  We are still doing school as normal this week, because the more we deviate from the usual schedule, the more he will fret.

 

Third, has been adjusting my expectations during periods of increased anxiety.  When I know he is struggling, I preemptively start giving him more behavioral supports.  I mentally adjust his functional age down by a couple years and try to set him up for success by limiting chances for him to make poor choices.  For example, in your case I probably would not have asked your DD to sing for the baby during a time when she is struggling with anxious behaviors.

 

Wendy

Routine.  Like Wendy said.  

 

DS has anxiety issues.  If routine is disrupted the anxiety ratchets up rapidly.  DH also has anxiety issues.  He loves Christmas decorations so we do put those up but only in one room so both DS and DH can ignore Christmas stuff as they need to.  Other than that we try not to talk about Christmas until MUCH closer.  And we keep to our routine as much as possible.  The kids are even still doing light school work this week even though many local schools are out.  

 

Predictability and routine have helped here.  Not solved everything but definitely helped.  Along with regular meals and consistent sleep schedules (which has been hard with DS because he struggles with sleep issues).

 

Hugs OP.  Have you talked with the pediatrician about a full medical work up?  

[hjffkj]

Yeah, different family gift practices can be very frustrating at times! My dh's family is similar, and it's made it tricky to set the expectations we'd like. I even find myself resenting a little that our gifts end up seeming non-exciting, when I think they would be very exciting if they weren't compared to the latest fad item.

I happily let them but the most wanted gifts. Dh and I usually get things they love but didn't know they'd want so those are hits too. It helps a bit that we exchange with fil before Christmas morning so some of the pressure for the most wanted gifts are gone already.

[hjffkj]

Wendyroo, adjusting my expectations is so hard but necessary.

[hjffkj]

It is funny because she enjoys everything leading up to Christmas; getting the tree, decorating, making wish lists, talking about why we celebrate Christmas, celebrating advent, etc. She does not complain about any of it and thoroughly enjoys it all. It is just the lead up to it that she can't handle.

 

For next year I think we will try harder to keep it low-key until right before Christmas

[gardenmom5]

It is funny because she enjoys everything leading up to Christmas; getting the tree, decorating, making wish lists, talking about why we celebrate Christmas, celebrating advent, etc. She does not complain about any of it and thoroughly enjoys it all. It is just the lead up to it that she can't handle.

 

For next year I think we will try harder to keep it low-key until right before Christmas

 

it sounds like she's getting overstimulated.   it's hard, but as moms, we need to be watching that, and preventing the over stimulation.  when they like the stimulation - they'll go for it without realizing they are seeking more than they can handle.  until suddenly they can't handle it..

 

I had one - suspense WOULD kill him.  never seen a kid like that.  (why dudeling doesn't impress me when he tells me how much he hates suspense.)   I would tell him what he was getting for christmas.  he just really needed that - he could wait just fine, but  the not-knowing was more than he could take.

[Bluegoat]

I think exciting things can cause anxiety like symptoms even when we like them.  

 

Anxiety is not unlike a kind of excitability, in a way.  Like a sense of "something is going to happen".  Maybe it's a magic elf bringing gifts, maybe it is a scary guy who is going to whip you or send you to Spain in a cage.

 

It takes practice and maybe a certain amount of physical maturity to be able to manage that kind of physical emotion.

[wendyroo]

Wendyroo, adjusting my expectations is so hard but necessary.

 

It is so hard.  Especially when there are a million things to do and the last thing you need is a kiddo who can't handle "age-appropriate" expectations.

 

Peter is my oldest, and Elliot who is next in line also struggles with mental health challenges.  During stressful periods, like before holidays, both of them regress and I am left with four kids who are all functionally 5 and under.  In the last week I have had to lock up ALL writing implements in the house because Peter started compulsively drawing on walls and furniture and poking himself with pencils until he bled.  He can't articulate why he does it, but I think that is part of anxiety's sneakiness - the sufferer is often so anxious about something that they can't let themselves talk about it or even consciously think about it.

 

What I have had to do over the years is simply scale thing back to a manageable size.  Since their stress level will inevitably be high, I need to keep mine very low.  Since I know going in that the kids' behavior will deteriorate, then I need to prepare myself to stay calm by making sure there aren't a lot of other things vying for my attention.  All my Christmas shopping was done by the beginning of November, and all my wrapping was done before we hit December first.  We are hosting the extended family this weekend, but I am serving a grand feast of tacos, because I can make a lot of those components ahead of time so that before and during the party I can focus on helping the kids manage their emotions.

 

Wendy

[eternalsummer]

Wendy, you're a gem.

 

 

I have always had a high level of anxiety; as a kid it manifested largely as phobias (some of which kept me awake until 2 in the morning for years on end, and kept me from sleeping in my own bed until I was 15).  As I got older, I developed more anxiety about finishing things - that last bit of a paper, or the last 10 minutes of a test, or the last few dishes in the sink make me just insane.  I compulsively don't finish things or medicate myself through the finishing (or, when I was younger, I would wait until the absolute last minute and the adrenaline rush of maybe not finishing would overcome the anxiety enough to finish the paper or project or whatever).  I still leave the last bit of orange juice un-drunk and the last dish unwashed.

 

I never experienced this with holidays but I can see how it would work - you get more and more anxious about the thing as it gets closer and it just makes for a lot of stress.

 

Distraction may help - either through routine (things she normally does that have nothing to do with Christmas) or something else newish to focus on that also has nothing to do with Christmas - a new book series if she likes to read for pleasure, maybe.

[fralala]

7 years old has pretty much been the most anxious age for my anxious child, FWIW. I mean, I don't know if it helps, but it's like the lack of self-control and immediate self recriminations peaked at 7.

 

I know this is not what you're asking for-- you want to help your daughter!-- but for me, the most helpful thing for improving the happiness of our household has been pretty much to accept that my oldest DD has anxiety over many things and it is beyond my ability to make her NOT feel this. Her anxiety is out of proportion to what we would wish for her, but there it is. She feels it. We all love her so much and are there for her (and this takes extreme patience sometimes) but some things are going to be hard for her, and they're going to still be hard for her even if we do everything right. She isn't going to just get over it because we engineer the environment, or comfort her, or listen to her...it's still going to be there.

 

I will say that my attitude about this partially comes from having a family history of this-- I would say that having a mother who constantly rearranges everybody's lives around the reactions of the most explosive child is neither helpful to that child or to her other kids. I do think that having a parent who helps you with avoidance to prevent you from feeling anxious is quite a scary thing, when it comes down to it. I guess my inclination is to just spend some extra 1:1 time with that kid (if possible) listening and observing non-judgmentally. Often they have a LOT they have to get off their chests, and reassurances make them feel like you just don't really get them at all and if you DID get them, you would understand how DIRE things are. (And often the fears are symptoms of something much bigger...such as when my daughter kept asking, "Have I been good? Have I been good?" The real problem wasn't the potential of coal in her stocking, but her extreme guilt about some of her behavior and, frankly, her parents' -- our-- reaction to it.)

 

P.S. The scream in her brother's face sounds hard to handle with aplomb. ARGH! And after you'd done everything right and tried to include her, too. Blah. Totally BTDT and if you conducted yourself better than I have, hats off to you. I tell myself that my daughter's overreactions have been a gift to teach me to hold onto my composure even when I'm overtired, exhausted, and frustrated beyond belief. So, there's one kind of present. Probably not the kind your daughter is worried about.

[MotherGoose]

I agree with the worst case scenario thing. I used to be a therapist and did that with kids. I also like the time limit thing. I would also caution you against letting her anxiety become the entire focus of the family and letting her learn to use it to control you. I'm not suggesting that you are doing that, and I know she's seven. I just leap to the adult version of her where she controls her kids and her grandkids because she tells them she will worry about them if they do x or y. Even if it's a totally normal thing to do, they can't do it in peace because grandma will worry. And she spends all her time interacting with them focusing on the worry. Just throwing that out there...have had to and still struggle to get away from being controlled by someone else's worry.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Just a quick bit about doing the opposite...um, that's me! I would suggest vs tell. "Maybe you'd like to sing quietly to brother. If not that's ok." It's not possible in every situation but when it is I'd avoid exact demands. ( Really a stay off the grass sign demands I run on the grass even if I hadn't thought of it before. It's a red flag to a bull.) For the anxiety I like these tips https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5651006

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

[RootAnn]

Well, 7 surely wasn't the peak here. I have found that puberty increases anxiety symptoms.

Something else that has helped that I didn't see mentioned yet is exercise, especially outside exercise.

 

I'd try now to find a good therapist and once you find one, keep going. It'll help so much when things ramp up to have coping techniques in place before things get crazy again. (Summer is our best time because of all the outside exercise. The closing of the pool and starting of school start the downward worry cycle. Hard winter is the peak of anxiety since there isn't as much exercise opportunity and it seems like it'll be forever before summer again.)

 

Going through "worst case scenario" discussions is a weird experience as what their brain tells them is possible can be pretty insane. (We've run into where the "bad situation" that their brain tells them will happen actually does happen a lot of the time (50%), so it adds a bit of difficulty to convincing the child their worries are unfounded. We do discuss probabilities. Chance that our house will explode with everyone in it while you are at a friend's house? Very low. Chance that rain will cancel an outdoor thing you've been looking forward to? Moderate. Chance that someone will get sick so we can't go to something? Fairly high...)

[Terabith]

My youngest has struggled with severe anxiety since she was a toddler.  And honestly, we had professionals suggesting medication by three or four.  And I resisted until five, but when I gave in, it was THE BEST parenting decision I ever made.  Honestly, I can't even say the difference it made.  It was tremendous.  We absolutely should have done it earlier.  It makes a huge difference.  Honestly, for us, a much bigger difference than therapy, although we've certainly done that as well. 

 

I agree that talking about it too much feeds it.  If possible, I'd scale back the size of your whole celebration.  Keep it as calm as possible as long as possible. 

[hjffkj]

Not going to quote because it is a pain on my phone.

 

joyofsix, this dd peaked 2 Christmases ago, at 5 and a half. That was an awful lead up to Christmas because it had never happened before. It really doesn't help that all her siblings have winter bdays and hers is Spring. That causes added anxiety. Also, we don't revolve much around her anxiety at this point but we do try to set things up to lessen the blow for her.

 

MotherGoose, i appreciate the advice of not letting it be the entire focus. It is not and only want for a short period of time 2 years ago when she really was melting down ten plus times a day. But that was short-lived.

 

Sadie, I suppose I don't really reassure her each time. It is really only the times where it seems to effect her entire day, which seems daily for the last few weeks.

 

I think next big even or holiday we will make it low key leading up to it

[hjffkj]

My youngest has struggled with severe anxiety since she was a toddler. And honestly, we had professionals suggesting medication by three or four. And I resisted until five, but when I gave in, it was THE BEST parenting decision I ever made. Honestly, I can't even say the difference it made. It was tremendous. We absolutely should have done it earlier. It makes a huge difference. Honestly, for us, a much bigger difference than therapy, although we've certainly done that as well.

 

I agree that talking about it too much feeds it. If possible, I'd scale back the size of your whole celebration. Keep it as calm as possible as long as possible.

See she doesn't have a problem with Christmas itself. She loves every second of our celebration on Christmas Eve and Christmas. It is the lead up to it where all her fear is. Dh and I will reassess how we handle holidays and such after we get through this one.

[Bluegoat]

Well, 7 surely wasn't the peak here. I have found that puberty increases anxiety symptoms.

Something else that has helped that I didn't see mentioned yet is exercise, especially outside exercise.

 

I'd try now to find a good therapist and once you find one, keep going. It'll help so much when things ramp up to have coping techniques in place before things get crazy again. (Summer is our best time because of all the outside exercise. The closing of the pool and starting of school start the downward worry cycle. Hard winter is the peak of anxiety since there isn't as much exercise opportunity and it seems like it'll be forever before summer again.)

 

Going through "worst case scenario" discussions is a weird experience as what their brain tells them is possible can be pretty insane. (We've run into where the "bad situation" that their brain tells them will happen actually does happen a lot of the time (50%), so it adds a bit of difficulty to convincing the child their worries are unfounded. We do discuss probabilities. Chance that our house will explode with everyone in it while you are at a friend's house? Very low. Chance that rain will cancel an outdoor thing you've been looking forward to? Moderate. Chance that someone will get sick so we can't go to something? Fairly high...)

 

To me the issue with worst case scenario isn't that the thing is unlikely.  It's that the thing is almost certainly not that awful.  For the most part, the things that are more likely are not really terrible.  They might suck, but they are things you can live with.

[Sandwalker]

Is it in the winter that the anxiety gets worse, or just around the holidays? Some kids with vitamin D deficiencies display anxiety, rather than depression. Second idea is to make sure she gets a lot of large muscle exercise. Ballet dancing helped my dd with her prepubescent anxiety/ADHD issues.

[hjffkj]

Is it in the winter that the anxiety gets worse, or just around the holidays? Some kids with vitamin D deficiencies display anxiety, rather than depression. Second idea is to make sure she gets a lot of large muscle exercise. Ballet dancing helped my dd with her prepubescent anxiety/ADHD issues.

It is the holidays, birthdays, when she tests for her next belt in kung-fu, and other big events.

 

She dies kung-fu and ballet(no ballet this fall because of scheduling issues but it will start again in February.)

[Peaceseeker]

My anxious kid really struggles with the NOT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT. There are some control issues in there, and she really wants everything to be very predictable. This is where the worst case scenario stuff can be helpful, because they really want to be able to control all the variables and outcomes. If they have a plan for the worst case, sometimes they feel better like they are back in control.

 

Some things we tried were writing every worry down (once it is written down you can't worry about it again because you already covered that one), the worry at a specific time and get them all out approach, and a lot of breathing techniques and positive thinking. These days we do a lot of talking about what anxiety is and how it works and how to avoid some of its traps. Back then I think we tried to breathe in bright colorful rainbows of good thoughts, and then we would take all the bad black thoughts and breathe them right out of the house. Imagery like that worked well for my kid who is quite visual and creative. Of course the anxiety always comes back. But we have learned to navigate it somewhat over the years.

 

More physical exercise can help with the increased anxiety as others have pointed out. Something quite strenuous, like swimming or running.

Edited December 20, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming