Sarah CB Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I really wish I knew more grammar. I can usually tell when something is wrong, and I can fix the mistake, but I can't often articulate what the problem was. I just bought SWB's middle school grammar program and I plan to go through it myself. Anyway, I'm editing this for someone and I know there's something wrong with the structure of this sentence, but I'm not sure what. I think it would be correct if it wasn't for the last clause. Can anyone explain it to me? When Nathan came back to the world, the packages from UPS had already arrived, the driver staring blankly at him to take one of them off his hands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guinevere Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 The subject is packages, and shouldn't be switched to driver. When Nathan came back to the world, the UPS driver had already arrived, and stared blankly at him to take a package off his hands. I think the sentence is still awkward, though. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I am not grammar expert, but I feel like it reads like a run-on sentence. Nathan returned to the world greeted by the blank stare of the UPS driver who was waiting for him to take a package off his hands. I don't know. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 The subject is packages, and shouldn't be switched to driver. When Nathan came back to the world, the UPS driver had already arrived, and stared blankly at him to take a package off his hands. I think the sentence is still awkward, though. Muddled pronouns. "Him" is Nathan and "his" is the driver's. Yeah. Also "stared" and "staring" seem to make a difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
forty-two Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) "When Nathan came back to the world, the packages from UPS had already arrived, the driver staring blankly at him to take one of them off his hands." I agree, that last part isn't working for me, either. Part of it is that the last bit seems awkwardly worded to me - the combo of "staring blankly" and "take one of them off his hands" doesn't mesh for me - I want to put a "waiting" in there. Also, the verb tenses don't seem to match. The action in the first part is all completed (had already arrived), while the action in the second part is ongoing (staring blankly). And since the action in the last part is expanding on the already-completed action in the middle, it seems like the action in the middle isn't really completed like the wording says it was. If that makes sense. I think I'd fix it by saying something like: "When Nathan came back to the world, the UPS truck had already arrived and the driver was staring blankly at him, waiting for him to take the packages off the driver's hands. Still don't know about the "staring blankly" wording, although I think I get the image the writer is going for. Edited September 28, 2017 by forty-two Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikslo Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I really wish I knew more grammar. I can usually tell when something is wrong, and I can fix the mistake, but I can't often articulate what the problem was. I just bought SWB's middle school grammar program and I plan to go through it myself. Anyway, I'm editing this for someone and I know there's something wrong with the structure of this sentence, but I'm not sure what. I think it would be correct if it wasn't for the last clause. Can anyone explain it to me? When Nathan came back to the world, the packages from UPS had already arrived, the driver staring blankly at him to take one of them off his hands. I like heartlikealion's rewrite. My first inclination was to use a semicolon to separate the two ideas: When Nathan came back to the world the packages from UPS had already arrived; the driver stood staring blankly at him to take one of them off his hands. I also might point out to the writer that chances are the packages weren't actually from UPS. They were just delivering them. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikslo Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) dp Edited September 28, 2017 by ikslo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) I think part of the issue is the mixing of the tenses. The first part is something that happened in the past (the packages had already arrived) and the next part is present (the driver staring blankly). Plus, a blank stare, by definition, doesn't have an implicit meaning. It's blank. So "staring to take a package" is awkward. When Nathan came back to the world, he was greeted by the UPS driver delivering his many packages. (That's still not great, but maybe there's something helpful in there.) Edited September 28, 2017 by Hyacinth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I'd think about splitting it into two sentences. When Nathan came back to the world, the packages from UPS had already arrived. Next sentence can be about the driver. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I'd think about splitting it into two sentences. When Nathan came back to the world, the packages from UPS had already arrived. Next sentence can be about the driver. That is how I felt, too. I just rewrote it in case they were dead set on keeping it as one sentence. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arctic Bunny Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 What about "....and the driver was glaring at him, waiting for him to take the packages." You know, if I can make a suggestion without knowing the technical stuff ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 When Nathan came back to the world, the packages from UPS had already arrived, the driver staring blankly at him to take one of them off his hands. The major problem with the sentence is that "The driver staring blankly at him to take one of them off his hands" is a phrase that does not modify anything in the sentence. The subject is "packages" the verb is "had arrived" but the last phrase does not relate directly to any of the other parts of the sentence. (In addition, it seems awkward in that when I read the sentence I picture packages sitting on a porch--and wonder why the driver is now there.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 The major problem with the sentence is that "The driver staring blankly at him to take one of them off his hands" is a phrase that does not modify anything in the sentence. "The driver staring blankly at him ..." is an absolute phrase which modifies the whole sentence. This is grammatically correct, but kind of old-timey and sounds a little rough to our modern ears. This construction is much more common in Latin, so you tend to see it more in older writing where the English writers are influenced by their Latin studies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 "The driver staring blankly at him ..." is an absolute phrase which modifies the whole sentence. This is grammatically correct, but kind of old-timey and sounds a little rough to our modern ears. This construction is much more common in Latin, so you tend to see it more in older writing where the English writers are influenced by their Latin studies. In this particular sentence it doesn't read to me like the absolute phrase is modifying the whole sentence (maybe in context it would). It reads to me as a run on with a new thought/subject. I am left a bit overwhelmed in reading the sentence wondering if it is about him coming back to the world, about a package having been delivered, or about a driver with a blank stare. The context would probably help. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 The two separate parts don't work well together as a sentence - I would rewrite it as two. It also sounds like a word is missing from the last part of the sentence. It needs a verb like stood or waited. I would probably write it like this. When Nathan returned to the world, the packages had already arrived. The UPS driver sat/stood staring blankly at him, waiting for him to take one of them off his hands. Even that is slightly clumsy. I keep wondering why the UPS driver staring blankly would be important to the story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmseB Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) It's actually two sentences. The second sentence is using the wrong tense. It should be: When Nathan came back to the world, the packages from UPS had already arrived. The driver stared blankly at him to take one of them off his hands. Edited September 28, 2017 by EmseB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I'd think about splitting it into two sentences. When Nathan came back to the world, the packages from UPS had already arrived. Next sentence can be about the driver. I am not a grammar expert but it feels like it should be two sentence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 I knew you guys could be counted on! Thank you very much. Hugely helpful. I really need to spend some time studying grammar. I'm tired of saying, "I feel like something isn't quite right with this sentence..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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