Be gentle plz... How do you "be calm like a duck"??

[Um_2_4]

PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE, WILL DELETE!!

So, I don't know how many remember my post: http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/651356-can-i-virtually-cryscreamrant-update-in-op/  back in July??

And while the absolute worst case outcome did not come to pass, things have changed. But the other party does not think so. They think things are okay-dokey. 

I want to put a 5 year plan into place. NOTHING is going to happen fast, it just can't. I have a business I want to get up and running. I want to get oldest DS ready for college. 

 

I have seen some people here give this advise to be "calm like a duck" to people in stressful, life changing situations (spouse abandonment, etc.). Meaning to appear calm on the outside, but paddle furiously "under the water" to get things in motion. (and just fyi, no, I am not looking at divorce, more a change in living situation where I want to be more self reliant)  But HOW do you do that??? And daily contact with this person is unavoidable. As is discussing the BIG things. 

 

I am the type who where's my heart on my sleeve, can not function well whilst emotionally overwhelmed, and cries at the drop of a hat.

 

I can do the work to get the business started, get some credentials I need, focus on my dc's education. But then an emotionally charge grenade gets thrown in my lap and BOOM, I get thrown off course.

 

I am seriously looking at going back on zoloft (I have generalized anxiety, but stopped meds a while ago). Think that would help? Maybe a gratitude journal (though my entries might sound not so happy)?? Focus on the BIG picture?? Is there online therapy?? Going to an appt 1x a week by myself, not gonna happen, but I could carve out some time 1x a week online or via phone.

 

If I focus on my 5 year plan, then I won't be focused on maybe not needing the 5y plan, kwim??? I want this to be my backup plan, whilst hoping things might heal and get better, but if my eye is on the exit door, well then????????

 

So any advice???

[Guest]

I guess my advice is different if it is a spouse or someone else. If it is a spouse it becomes a LOT trickier to move things and get them in order than someone who you don't share a bank account and bed with.

 

But we essentially did the duck thing in our job search and move here, with my husband's family. We said nothing except explaining, off hand every few months, that things weren't great with work and we were unhappy. Meanwhile we are sending out wads of applications and checking out feasible areas to live, prepping our house to go on market, etc. didn't say a word to them and didn't let on until something was actually moving. Then we drew a careful discussion around the things we had indicated over the years, framed it so they could place themselves in our shoes, and gently but firmly informed them of our decision.

 

Key to peace was not letting on the details as they were happening, so there couldn't be a lot of sturm und drang. It worked as well as it could have. And much of it was just subtly or gently deflecting questions our criticisms while we privately moved our chess pieces as needed, know what I mean?

 

Key to me, the more vociferous and emotional one, maintaining my cool was having complete confidence in my decision and plan with my spouse. I knew exactly my reasons and we talked through every objection and variance we could think of. So when it came to dealing with others I had peace in knowing I was making exactly the right decision and would let them in on it at exactly the right time. That took the turmoil and urgency out of the decision in a big way - it became something I couldn't not do.

Edited August 31, 2017 by Arctic Mama

[Rosie_0801]

I think it means crying where that person can't see until you learn not to care about them, whilst administering the TLC they like so they don't bother to watch you properly.

[Carol in Cal.]

You know how when you have a toddler who is winding up it is counterproductive to let yourself get excited, so you kind of don't? Or you do, but  you don't show it, and you project calm?  Like that.

[myfunnybunch]

I would see....am seeing....a counselor.

 

I am in a situation which is likely quite different from yours but fits your broad explanation. Counseling has given me a safe objective place to process the things I cannot process elsewhere and input on ways to set boundaries and deal with the daily contact.

 

Many hugs. I know I am essentially a stranger, but I am sending you thoughts of peace and strength.

[FaithManor]

I guess in your situation I would say to be very insular, very closed. Make your decisions, be confident in them, and do not discuss with the difficult party. Try to channel your inner Mr. Spock so to speak. Maybe keep a journal of timelines, goals, and plans. Check things off as you get them done, but do not feel that you have to explain them to others.

 

I am no where near your situation, but I will say that dh's work from home arrangement is not being renewed at the end of this year. They are going to let it go until our youngest graduates in May, and then dh has to start driving into south Michigan every day. We can't actually move because my mom is a pauper and cannot afford anything in a higher cost of living, and while his mom is better off, she really can't do a move either. Neither are willing to live with us, and since my brother has had a stroke and a heart attack this year and my sister lives in France, there isn't anyone but me to watch over them. So dh will be living in an apartment during the week, coming home on weekends. I will have a LOT of responsibility here and must return to the work force in order to help pay for college with three young adults in school at once. When dh and I have discussed this it is clear that he doesn't quite visualize what should be done to streamline things for me. The things he focuses on are very low on my priority list. Since I am the one living with the most difficult aspects of this situation, I finally gently but firmly said that I would make the plans, and puts the ducks in a row that will make things better for me as I see them and encounter them. He has come to terms with the fact that I am exclusively in the driver's seat with this show once it commences.

 

One of my decisions was to discontinue the use of wood after this winter. Since I'll be going back to work and will not have one of the sons here to help keep it stocked during the day, my options were to either fill it to the brim in the morning after walking the dog and before getting ready for work, closing the damper so it burns low during the day and won't go out, turning the temp down pretty low in the house, and then coming home to a cold house - I am sensitive to cold due to chronic anemia - or using more propane. Yep. Propane is more expensive, but that is what I'm doing. It is too much with everything else going on to burn the wood even though that is his preference. I am also hiring a lawn service for the first lawn mowings of the season before the boys move out of the dorms. I will also hire out the yard work in the fall when the kids go back to college. This way I don't have to think about it during the week when there will be THREE lawns to mow because the elderly mothers can't do their own, and when he is home Friday night through Sunday night, he isn't trying to get three done. I want that time for us to spend together and not doing things like yard work. This will eat a little into my earnings, but oh well. He'd much rather plan to do the mowing on the weekends and save the money. I vetoed, firmly.

 

We aren't arguing about things like this. It's just a big transition for him to go from always worrying about this stuff and planning for it, and me just taking over and making arrangements and plans, being so independent.

 

I am not sure exactly what your situation is which sounds serious while mine is not,  but all I can say is that you take the reins when you need to and with as much rationality, firmness, and calm you can muster go ahead and do what you need. Don't justify it. It take two to argue, it takes informing other people to get unwanted opinions about it. So don't inform people who aren't going to be supportive or who may get nosy about it when you want privacy.

 

ETA. I am also going on Zoloft to help me cope with some stress. It is a first step in some increasing BP, and the nurse practitioner is hoping that this will kind of nip the trend in the bud. I will be looking at some other self care things as well. I may be able to trade some music lessons for massages, and since I tend to carry stress in my shoulders, that would be a good thing. Check into what you can do to make things better for yourself even if it is carving out a couple of hours to eat popcorn while watching your favorite tv show or movie and NOT talking to people, or reading, or embracing a hobby of some kind, or coloring, or....

Edited August 31, 2017 by FaithManor

[Acadie]

You're handling a lot, so put your hand over your heart and acknowledge just how much you've been managing and what good energy you've brought to it.

 

Prioritize your well-being. Working toward your 5-year plan sounds very important and empowering, but it will be a lengthy process, and you must be good to yourself today, while you chip away at the longer term things. In a sense, the stuff that seems larger is probably partly about taking care of yourself as well, so your small daily kindness and care for yourself and your desires for a future that looks different are all the same energy, and work powerfully in concert with each other. Stretch. Eat salad and protein and drink plenty of water. Get plenty of sleep.

 

I don't know specifics about online therapy, but I'm sure it exists. Or would it be possible to see a therapist in person a couple times a month, rather than weekly? Though your own emotions are most important, it can be empowering to be able to name and learn more about whatever psychological issues you're dealing with in the other person. 

 

Search with an open heart for whatever feels supportive right now--an online or in person yoga class, a sister or good friend, guided meditation, exercise, journaling? There are resources out there and there's truly a path forward to a better place for you. 

 

Amy

[Um_2_4]

I think it means crying where that person can't see until you learn not to care about them, whilst administering the TLC they like so they don't bother to watch you properly.

 

Deleted for privacy............................ Thanks Rosie!

Edited September 2, 2017 by Um_2_4

[Um_2_4]

Again, Please don't quote, but I wanted to respond to you all....

 

Thanks!

Edited September 2, 2017 by Um_2_4

[Guest]

Read the book, "It Takes One to Tango." I can't think of the author's name at the moment, but it's Winifred something. Maybe Winifred Reilly. This book is on the subject of repairing a relationship without help or cooperation from the other party. Now - maybe repair is not what ultimately happens, and maybe it is, but the author speaks quite exactly to what you have asked; by working on yourself and your responses and your independant life, you pave the way for a great outcome.

[Carol in Cal.]

You might look at "The Dance Of Anger".  It's about changing your relationship dynamics *slightly*.  Sometimes that is most effective.

[myfunnybunch]

I think this is what I need, I will look into a local option, I have Kaiser Insurance, so all that is in house. I know I am not only dealing with anxiety, but insecurity. I don't want to sabotage my own relationship, but I don't want to be a doormat either. 

 

I want to respond to this specifically because I actually discussed this very issue *today* in a counseling session: Once I started separating myself and setting some internal boundaries, I found that much of my anxiety was "borrowed" anxiety and anxiety over unpredictability.

 

You are strong. You can do this, whatever it is you need to do, wisely and with compassion and grace.

 

[Laura Corin]

I've found that meditation helps. There is a free app from Australia called Smiling Mind that will help to train you.

[AmandaVT]

Breakthrough may be a good option for you for online therapy: https://www.breakthrough.com/

 

From a therapist's point of view, they are very professional and thorough. One of the clinicians I work with is currently in the sign-up process with them and they have been just as stringent (if not more) with requirements as any insurance company we've credentialed with. 

[Lizzie in Ma]

No advice, but many :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Everyone's situation is different and I have yet to find a real way to deal with my stress and anxiety.  I am guessing my strategy of binge watching Netflix is more avoidance than dealing, but we all do what we need to do.

[Soror]

My dh had a medical issue that changed his personality completely. It was a rough few years. this was how I coped when things were really rough. Thankfully for us this was a temporary thing, although i didn't know or understand that at the time. It is resolved now and life is back to sanity, many hugs to you and others going through similar situations.

 

 

Close yourself off. Avoid eye contact and physical touch.

 

Make a decision that you are living as roommates, nothing more. Unless absolutely necessary do not rely on them for anything, arrange your life as a single mom as much as possible.

 

Make boundaries and keep them. If the other party crosses that line, disengage and leave the situation. Repeat, You may not speak to me/treat me that way.

 

Speak to them only as needed, make yourself busy with other things when they are around. 

 

Have ways to vent. I stress clean and have a couple of close friends, although I didn't share until things were on the upswing, dh's personality changed so severely I had a hard time figuring out what the hell was going on and kept thinking this must be temporary b/c it was all so out of the ordinary. It had to get really rough to push him to go to a dr. and then we had to hunt around for one who would figure out the root of the problem.

[J-rap]

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

What helps me remain "sort of" calm during extremely difficult times is to focus mostly on one day at a time, while still covering one or two of the more urgent/important, longer-term needs.  So, what are the things I need to do and think about just for today?  For the longer-term things that need my attention, I jot down notes whenever they come to mind, so that I don't have to hold them in my head.  

 

Also, taking time during each day to do something special -- a walk with one of my children, a coffee break out on the porch or at a favorite coffeehouse, a good book, soaking in a hot bath.  Those little things really can help relax your brain a bit.

 

You take care.

 

 

[Irish]

there is an app called "doctor on Demand" and counseling appointments can be done via your phone.

[Miss Mousie]

Haven't read the thread yet - just wanted to mention Talk Space for a possible therapy option.  I have not tried it, nor do I know anyone who has - I have only heard it exists.

 

https://www.talkspace.com/

 

And here's a hug.  A big one.   :grouphug:

[Um_2_4]

Deleted for privacy.........

Edited September 2, 2017 by Um_2_4